Deciding not to have child/ren

[Susita 175]

Ultimately it is hers and her husband's decision, however, I would venture to guess that she has a lot of respect for her family and is finding it difficult to come to peace with the decision, which is why she came here looking for solace. I'm saying that I understand both perspectives.

Respect goes both ways. They should have respect for her and her decision or indecision. I'm not naive, I know that every family has certain expectations... but we don't always have to fit within their parameters.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Having respect for ones family does not include being riddled with guilt for making a perfectly valid decision.

Family dynamics are much more complex than that. I have no doubt she means the world to her family and vice versa. That is one cultural trait (if I can generalize here) of Filipinos that I truly admire.

[trillium13 84]

Interesting thread.

I'm 38, and at this point I've decided not to have kids. There are many reasons for it, and well all have our own reasons one way or another. You and your husband alone have to decide what's right for you. Ultimately it's really no one else's business why you do or don't want to.

I can't say it's something I haven't struggled with at times. There is a lot of pull from outside forces saying that you should have kids, you should want to have kids, or your life will not be complete without kids. I've decided that I don't subscribe to any of that. If I was 10 years younger and in the same situation I am now, would I feel differently? Sometimes I wonder. But at this point in my life, the answer is no, and my husband supports that. We're certainly in no financial position to have any, and at my age I don't have a lot of time left. Do I want to still be raising children into my 60's? Do I want to be struggling financially even more than I am now? Do I want to have to give all of my attention to another living thing that needs my constant care? The answer to all of these questions, for me right now, is absolutely not. There are many things I still want to do in my adult life that I wouldn't be able to do with children. Those things are important to me. There is, in my opinion, much more to life!

I was married before and my husband at the time was always against having children. His Italian family didn't really get this at all and for a long time there was constant nagging. When? Why not? After hearing it enough times that the answer was no and just because, they stopped asking.

You have to make the decision about what's right for you. Only you can do that. You have to look inside yourself to know the answer. You may never feel 100% either direction. Just know that no matter what decision you make, it's ok. It's not up to anyone else.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

Having respect for ones family does not include being riddled with guilt for making a perfectly valid decision.

It does if you are a Pinay,

[Calypso 464]

I met a retired couple in the Philippines who doesn't have children. They built an amazingly beautiful house in Busay, Cebu. They look truly happy together.

Just as we can say that success is relative (to some it's wealth, to others austerity and a lifetime of service like most dedicated religious missionaries do), how we view having children is also relative. Happiness isn't a goal but a lifestyle and you can design it according to your own definition.

You might also consider adoption if one day your biological clock goes to sleep mode and you decide you want to have kids. You may choose from relatives or friends in the Philippines or some orphans in the U.S. (just be very careful if you'd adopt a kid, select the best).

Personally, I really want to have my own children but this is not the time for that yet. My parents asked my husband last month when they are going to have their first grandchild. This month, I got delayed for 10 days which has never happened to me before and I got super anxious. I'm glad that was merely false alarm.

Lululemon says, "Children are the orgasm of life. Just like you did not know what an orgasm was before you had one, nature does not let you know how great children are until you have them."

Better advice from "Desiderata" (how to deal with nagging people and your own dreams... I keep quoting this):

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even to the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;

they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals,

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love,

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

[JSVP08 3]

The OP doesn't appear to be constrained by such a cultural perspective, even if her relatives are. That's the point though, it's what she thinks is important that matters, not what her relatives might want - she should feel no obligation to explain herself to them unless she wants to as well, that's the American way

the bolded line is true. i have no issues with pi cultural thing... 100% dont want at this stage (am saying this as NOW bcoz few years down the road, i may or may not have change of perspective, who knows ) and my family as a whole weren't into marrying early nor being pressured to have children albeit parents want to (like most parents wanting their children to settle down and have grandkids from them i suppose). I have siblings that aren't married yet (one sis who is a yr older, by choice and then fiance tragically died in 2007) and cousins in late 20s and mid 30s not married but are into healthy relationships... its just that about why people keep asking when? ... like its the normal procedure soonest u get marry. ....

[Neja 0]

If it's my mom that's asking (which it usually is) I just tell her we'll have a kid if she buys us a house and pays for the kid's college education. She gets the point. We'll have one someday, just not right now.

[JSVP08 3]

Family dynamics are much more complex than that. I have no doubt she means the world to her family and vice versa. That is one cultural trait (if I can generalize here) of Filipinos that I truly admire.

[JSVP08 3]

Interesting thread.

I'm 38, and at this point I've decided not to have kids. There are many reasons for it, and well all have our own reasons one way or another. You and your husband alone have to decide what's right for you. Ultimately it's really no one else's business why you do or don't want to.

I can't say it's something I haven't struggled with at times. There is a lot of pull from outside forces saying that you should have kids, you should want to have kids, or your life will not be complete without kids. I've decided that I don't subscribe to any of that. If I was 10 years younger and in the same situation I am now, would I feel differently? Sometimes I wonder. But at this point in my life, the answer is no, and my husband supports that. We're certainly in no financial position to have any, and at my age I don't have a lot of time left. Do I want to still be raising children into my 60's? Do I want to be struggling financially even more than I am now? Do I want to have to give all of my attention to another living thing that needs my constant care? The answer to all of these questions, for me right now, is absolutely not. There are many things I still want to do in my adult life that I wouldn't be able to do with children. Those things are important to me. There is, in my opinion, much more to life!

I was married before and my husband at the time was always against having children. His Italian family didn't really get this at all and for a long time there was constant nagging. When? Why not? After hearing it enough times that the answer was no and just because, they stopped asking.

You have to make the decision about what's right for you. Only you can do that. You have to look inside yourself to know the answer. You may never feel 100% either direction. Just know that no matter what decision you make, it's ok. It's not up to anyone else.

... that thought pops up sometimes too

[Aklem 0]

I'm 23 and the thought of having kids right now scares me; My husband and I are truly not ready to bring someone else into this world. Although most of my girlfriends in high school all have kids and are contemplating having a second; I have drifted apart from friendship with them since I feel like there is nothing I can contribute to the baby talks or for them to ever stop talking about it. I'm most concerned with finishing University and figuring out what I want to do with my life(career wise) than think about having a baby.

I believe its more important to lay out a foundation before I would even bring up the baby subject and the husband feels the same way. We both grew up in poor homes and we both know how taxing it is for the children to have to stress about money. My husband is making good money now, but eventually I want to be able to contribute and have my own career instead of being tied to the home. Also I want to be able to have some money saved away when we finally do decide it is the right time.

Eventually when its right I want at least one, but I don't think I want to go through the trauma of being pregnant a second time. If I wanted a second than I would consider adoption; otherwise that's it for me. Im the oldest of a family of 5 from a single parent so for me I do not want to go through the financial stress again. I will not consider kids for at least 4 years, but if there is an accident what can you do right? lol I will just hope that wont be the case for me, because right now I love the freedom to do what I want and not have to be responsible for anyone.

[JSVP08 3]

Respect goes both ways. They should have respect for her and her decision or indecision. I'm not naive, I know that every family has certain expectations... but we don't always have to fit within their parameters.

these expectations are hard to meet sometimes when u happen to have totally different perspective as one grows older..... however, there's also a part that u wish u can grant their every wishes yet a question of "what about me?" thing... i don't deny the fact that like any pi families, we are a close-nit thou they haven't had much influence on overall life i have lived or choices i made.... its about everyone i know...that.... .... bcoz i finally got hitched at the ripe old age- they feel that am racing againts a time bomb (which is literally true at 36,actually 37 this 2010 ) therfore the nagging question is ... are we there yet? ... i say NO ! ...then next, why? or why not? ... maybe never..... and goes on...

i do admit that... this nagging question.... sometimes affects that decision whether its right or ... if i would look back and wish i had...

[Aklem 0]

true and am not easily influence by others esp when it comes to a huge responsibility such as a child.... its just the nagging question thats irritating now when people cant just believe and simply put.... that not all are into baby thing

....makes them think ur not normal

Its annoying to have family or friends nag about having kids! I have been married for about a year to my husband and all my family members are expecting me to have a kid soon; cause why else would we get married right? At least in my family's point of view!

[Peikko 1,575]

Family dynamics are much more complex than that. I have no doubt she means the world to her family and vice versa. That is one cultural trait (if I can generalize here) of Filipinos that I truly admire.

Much more complex than what? I didn't post anything about family dynamics, I simply said that having respect for is not the same as feeling guilty about, nor should it be. I am quite sure this person loves her parents and they love her, but loving them should not mean feeling bad about herself should she draw a different conclusion as to what is best in resepect of having children in her life, than what is 'culturally normal'.

I am also not quite sure what is so peculiar to Filipinos about loving ones family - I am entirely sure I love mine and vice versa, and as far as I am aware that's fairly normal among British people. Meaning the world of course could demand that one places ones family above oneself in decisions which should be properly made at the individual level, which is not something I admire, or think is particularly helpful.

[trillium13 84]

i do admit that... this nagging question.... sometimes affects that decision whether its right or ... if i would look back and wish i had...

I went through that exact same thing, at about age 33-34. Am I making the right decision? What if I don't? What if what if?????

It can be agonizing at times. I think you have to essentially make "pro and con" categories. It still all comes down to what's best for you and what you want out of life.

I feel you! I'm much more comfortable now with my decision than I was then. You will be too, eventually, whatever you decide.

[trillium13 84]

Meaning the world of course could demand that one places ones family above oneself in decisions which should be properly made at the individual level, which is not something I admire, or think is particularly helpful.

Could even be detrimental, in some cases. Speaking generally here.