Dilemma

[moana 0]

Hi everybody. I'm new here though I've been reading some posts in this forum. I'm glad to find a place where you can share similar life experiences. I'm from Peru and I'm getting married next week. I knew my fiance in a dating web site almost two years ago, he went to visit me to Lima a few times, we had a good time and after 8 months dating we applied for the K1 visa. I've been in the States since early May but I don't know if I'm ready to give that big step yet. As you well know the K1 visa is valid only for 90 days and there's no extension. Next week my visa will expire.

When I came here I left everything behind to start a new life with the man I dated for a year and a half. He is a good guy, and also I am, but during these months we've had a hard time getting along. I knew the adjustment wouldn't be easy because he has lived by himself for a long period of time as well as me. We are having silly arguments and each one is on the defensive all the time, which is odd because we used to get along great with each other while we were dating online. I know living together is something really different but I always thought we could do it great.

I feel unsecure about marriage, I don't know if after that we could fix our differences or maybe they get worse. Is he maybe feeling I'm threatening his freedom?

Sometimes I'd like to come back to my country, but I do also feel I love him. We did a lot to be finally together but I think we are not doing much for keeping it.

I'd appreciate your comments because an outsider can see many things I probably don't. Thanks

[ardilla 0]

HI ArcanaLima, sounds like you need more time to sort out normal adjustment issues vs lifetime committment issues. Adjustment is very difficult and getting married does not fix it, just makes it more real because you have a lifetime committment to one another. Have the two of you definately decided to marry? Would he go live with you in Peru? Does he speak your language? If not is he willing to learn? Since it will be for the rest of both of your lives (=forever!) it's important that you be sure about it. If you are both unsure and need more time, you have several options. You don't have to get married just because your "time is up." One thing you could do is reapply for the K-1. That would require you to go back to Peru (or a third country outside of the US), and return to the US later when the second K1 has been approved. There are others who have done this. It is not unheard of and there should be no problem if the two of you are committed to one another. Another option is for you to return to Peru and he could go be with you there, and the two of you could decide what to do after that. I know it is very hard but it's important that both of you feel good about your decision. Do what feels right and it will be

[000OOO000 0]

Dont do it if you feel this way. Dont let the expiration scare you into doing it.

[sarah and hicham 3]

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time.

I guess I would say that if you are having doubt and if you can't imagine a happy future with him or that things are not going to change- then you should wait. Don't let the immigration process force you to get married just because of the time constraint.

Good luck to you

Sarah

[Mew 0]

I think you should probably say all these things that you explained to us directly to him. Have a very open and honest conversation about it.

[MandR 0]

Hi everybody. I'm new here though I've been reading some posts in this forum. I'm glad to find a place where you can share similar life experiences. I'm from Peru and I'm getting married next week. I knew my fiance in a dating web site almost two years ago, he went to visit me to Lima a few times, we had a good time and after 8 months dating we applied for the K1 visa. I've been in the States since early May but I don't know if I'm ready to give that big step yet. As you well know the K1 visa is valid only for 90 days and there's no extension. Next week my visa will expire.

When I came here I left everything behind to start a new life with the man I dated for a year and a half. He is a good guy, and also I am, but during these months we've had a hard time getting along. I knew the adjustment wouldn't be easy because he has lived by himself for a long period of time as well as me. We are having silly arguments and each one is on the defensive all the time, which is odd because we used to get along great with each other while we were dating online. I know living together is something really different but I always thought we could do it great.

I feel unsecure about marriage, I don't know if after that we could fix our differences or maybe they get worse. Is he maybe feeling I'm threatening his freedom?

Sometimes I'd like to come back to my country, but I do also feel I love him. We did a lot to be finally together but I think we are not doing much for keeping it.

I'd appreciate your comments because an outsider can see many things I probably don't. Thanks

[MandR 0]

Hi...I'm writing you cause I've here, in Florida, for about 7 months. I can understand your feelings and doubts right now..It happen to me during the first couple of months that I was here. But I can tell you something, it takes a longgg time to get along with your couple. I was dating my husband for about 8 months. I remember that everytime that he went to Peru to visit me, we expend wonderful days, they weren't arguments, fights, etc...No it's a different reality, cause you're knowing each other a little better.

Also being apart from your country, your family, your culture makes it even more harder.

That was my experience too, and I can just tell you something...if you really love someone you should make any sacrifice to make them happy. I think that if you are really not sure about your feelings, it's just better to finish with the relation before it takes more time. It's not fear for each other. And if you decide to stay and get married here, remember that the months that are going to come are going to be even more difficult, cause you will miss even more be alone and if you don't know how to manage these difficult time it could be really worst. Listen to your heart and listen to your spirit. Don't make him suffer with these situation. Talk with him once you have decided what you really want.

[RosaMystica7 0]

I think you should probably say all these things that you explained to us directly to him. Have a very open and honest conversation about it.

I agree. My boyfriend and I have been fighting a LOT on the phone over the past few weeks. It's stress that's getting into us, though... and stress is what you've both got PLENTY of right now. You both need to do something special and relax. I'm going to guess that he's working while you're not? So, you're in the perfect position to surprise him. Clean the place up while he's gone, prepare food that both of you really love (even if it means buying Chinese), light some candles, bring out the champagne. When he comes in the door from work, wrap your arms around his neck and just kiss him. Make it an in-house date, just relax and be in love with each other. You guys NEED quailty time like that right now. And make some time to talk it all out - be honest about what you're feeling and thinking, your fears, your worries, and don't be afraid to cry if you feel like you need to. He's probably got a lot running through his head too, and you two need to communicate about it.

...Or maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic.

[ChasUK 0]

...........................I feel unsecure about marriage, I don't know if after that we could fix our differences or maybe they get worse...........................

There's your answer right there. People should only get married if they both love each other and can confidently say that they want to spend the rest of their lives together. That is what marriage is, a declaration of that love and commitment to each other.

A visa to be able to be together is nothing more than a by-product of that relationship, NOT a reason to get married.

Sorry if that sounds brutally cold, but if the love and desire to be together is not there, in BOTH directions, then you have to ask yourself, "is this the relationship I want to be in till I die?"

[danae 0]

Hi,

Im sorry to hear what you are going through. I too found the adjustment hard at first, and was having doubts about getting married. The stress of everything was causing us to bicker all the time, and we felt as though the whole process had taken away some of our passion and fun. A week before the wedding I was really tense, and one day just let it all out. I cried for hours, and we discussed everything thoroughly. He too was feeling the pressure- and the talk brought us closer together at the time we really needed it. We attributed our doubts to the stress of the AOS process and general pre-wedding jitters.

Since then things have been wonderful again. We feel we have made the right decision, im settling in more each day and much of the pressure has been taken off.

My advice would be as other posters- you really need to talk through everything with your partner in order to better understand the feelings you are having.

I wish you the very very best with your decision

Good luck

[gimygirl 0]

i completely agree with Chas ... you seem to have already answered your own question in your post.

not to add more pressure but if you do not marry within the 90days ... your K1 visa will not be valid and you will have to return home. i'm not sure what the ramifications of marrying after 90days and then filing for AOS are.

[Mew 0]

i completely agree with Chas ... you seem to have already answered your own question in your post.

not to add more pressure but if you do not marry within the 90days ... your K1 visa will not be valid and you will have to return home. i'm not sure what the ramifications of marrying after 90days and then filing for AOS are.

I may be wrong, but from memory, I think they first thing they'd have to do would be apply for an I-130.

[john_and_marlene 162]

If you get married after the 90 days, you just have to file I-130 along with the I-485.

Here's the real dilema: If you stay beyond 90 days, all of the days after the I-94 expired are overstay days. If you subsequently decide to marry the petitioner and adjust status, the overstay will be forgiven with a successful AOS. If you decide not to marry, the overstay days stand.

Where the real possibility exists that you may not get married, it might be best to return home while you decide what you want to do.

Edited August 1, 2006 by john_and_marlene

[Angelica 0]

When in doubt...don't . I'm sorry you are going through all this and I hope you find your way

Kim

[Dr_LHA 3]

I think the feelings you're having are perfectly normal. My wife and I had a long distance relationship initially, although we both lived in the USA. When she finally moved in with me it was a big adjustment and things were tense for a while. After a while we settled in, and have been happily married for over 2 years.

The trouble is that the 90 days you get with K1 is really not enough to decide whether or not you really want to get married if you don't really know the person that well (and IMHO you can't really know a person until you've lived with them for a while).

Give it some more time, but if things don't get any better my advice would be to return to your home country rather than enter a marriage you're not sure about.