Tips to help your SO adjust

[jordanianprincess 0]

I speak classical arabe fluently, learning the Algerien djzar daily, also speak French pretty well amoung other languages... so I am OK on that front LOL

I never realized or gathered from your other posts that spoke it fluently. Where did you learn it and what do you mean Classical? Do you understand other dialects? If I am being noisy just smack me. ok but not too hard.

In response to the men being the head of the house: Abdel did bring presents for me - lots of beautiful outfits, some he even had custom made. He also painstakingly chose presents for each member of my family. I know he had to work hard to get the money to do that since work wasn't something easy for him to come by.

He also refuses to let me put his name on the house until he can pay me "his half" of what I've already paid into it, even though he has done a ton of the renovation we've done since he got here, and I've told him that labor is very expensive here for much of the work he's done.

He does want to be able to pull his weight financially, but thank goodness he is not hung up on the normal Arab macho man image. He is a feminist and can respect that he married an intelligent independent woman that doesn't need a man to support her. He certainly does want to be self-supporting, but realizes that sometimes life doesn't always give us what we want right away. He is having a hard time accepting how long that can take sometimes, but he is accepting it.

Incidentally, my last husband who I feel was using me for a green card did pay for everything himself, and refused to ever let me support him. As I look back on my life I realize that marriage is a place where people depend on each other. When one party doesn't look out for the other party's needs it causes problems in the marriage. It doesn't matter what the nature of those needs are, needs are needs - even financial needs. There will be times when each spouse gets their turn to take care of the other one in most long-term marriages.

I'm not saying a woman should let a man use her, but she shouldn't be so proud either. It's a fine line, but I think if you are careful you can successfully navigate it.

I'm not proud and I don't expect him to support me financially either. I have a really good job and make enough money for the both of us and then some. That is not the point. Even if he made 1/4 of what I make, that is fine with me. I don't think this is Arab macho man, this is his responsibility as a husband and man. My fiance has a saying, "its better to work in Sh!t, then to live in Sh!t". He is willing to do anything when he gets here and realizes that he has to start over.

I'm not sure if this is something just anyone can understand, this is a huge part of our culture. Lets just say I were to pay for him to come here and support him financially, if anyone found out, he would be humiliated. I'm not saying this is right or wrong, but its just how things are. I am more than willing to look out for his best interests and help him every step of the way, but I am by no means going to support him financially. He would not accept that, his family would not accept that, my family would not accept that and furthermore neither would I.

This doesnt mean that I am not supportive.

[Veiled Princess 1]

which I have saved on my computer and set as my desktop background.

Am I the only one who finds that a little bit creepy?

Apparently you're the only one who didn'tk now I was kidding? hahaha.

Apparently you didn't catch the laughing face attached... that should have been an indicator that I was also kidding

[Moe_lisa 0]

Amal, oh my goodness that made me smile! you are so right! patience is the biggest thing you can give to them. Everything you said is sooooooooooo true! Just be patient cuz u do have to teach them every thing. not ONE thing is familiar to them. and not ONE custom here is like "home". But trust me they do catch on, it might take some longer than others but they do see how "america is not like the movies"! (that's my favorite saying!) They will adjust, just be there for them and have lots of patience because you do have to go over so many things.

[~*Dorothy*~ 2]

I am on a verge of losing all of my patience I I used to consider myself very patient...It is all gone up the smoke...

[Henia 11]

I am on a verge of losing all of my patience I I used to consider myself very patient...It is all gone up the smoke...

Why Ella?

[amal 4]

Amal, oh my goodness that made me smile! you are so right! patience is the biggest thing you can give to them. Everything you said is sooooooooooo true! Just be patient cuz u do have to teach them every thing. not ONE thing is familiar to them. and not ONE custom here is like "home". But trust me they do catch on, it might take some longer than others but they do see how "america is not like the movies"! (that's my favorite saying!) They will adjust, just be there for them and have lots of patience because you do have to go over so many things.

I am on a verge of losing all of my patience I I used to consider myself very patient...It is all gone up the smoke...

I'm glad to hear that someone knows what I'm talkin about! Mine has adjusted really well but there were certainly obstacles (as afore stated) and there are only a couple more small things we have to adjust...after that, all should be good in "not like Jordan" land... I agree that one of my favorite things was..."I've seen American movies....etc.." and the look on his face when he would say that here and end it with..."but that's not what the movies portrayed".... I have told him before..."think about it...would you want me to believe about you what the movies portray about arabs"?... that made him REALLY think and he hasn't said that phrase since......

I HAVE lost my patience before and it wasn't pretty at all... I STILL get frustrated when I am misunderstood...that's one of the things that most p!sses me off.... at first..it was kind of cute..the whole language barrier thing (and his english was pretty good) ... but for example... the other day..we got into an argument over something stupid..and after I said my piece..I finnished it with the word "dammmn" and he thought I was using the word bad towards him and got really heated about it. I'm sure most of you know that in this case it is just used to express frustration and nothing more... yeah it really bent me out of shape to continue arguing over the meaning of that word...

PATIENCE

PATIENCE

PATIENCE

breathe IN the nose

and

OUT the mouth!!!!!!

amal

[honeyblonde 0]

Don't worry Amal, you're not alone. I've had to bite the tip of my tongue off more than once with Abdel. In fact, the more homesick they get, the worse it is. He went through a phase where he could complain about his family, but I didn't dare even act like I heard him, much less agree. The minute I did, they became perfect and I was a villain. Of course I've also heard a hundred times how there are no differences between here and there - Morocco is just as advanced as the US - uh, ok.

I've heard it gets better after they go home for a visit and suddenly realize that this is home now. I can't wait until we can afford to try that theory out.

Oh yeah, Abdel is always telling me what I meant too, but of course if I do the same I am wrong, he never meant what I thought he did. I've learned to give up and just apologize and later maybe he will understand that wasn't what I said. It is getting better though as he learns the subtle meaning of everyday words.

Hang in there, I know what you're going through.

[mybackpages 0]

One of the things about helping your SP adjust is to understand the symptoms of culture shock. This link is written for a volunteer organization located in Africa, but it is applicable to anyone who finds themselves ina foreign culture for more than just a short holiday.

Sometimes the little problems or behaviors are the result of culture shock and we do not even realize it.

http://www.volunteerafrica.org/red/cultureshock

[honeyblonde 0]

MBP, Wow, thanks so much for the link. I'm going to show it to Abdel tonight. I think it should help him a lot because he is definitely having a lot of those symptoms.

[Henia 11]

Wow I looked at that www and I almost checked yes to every one...Snaps I guess I suffer form culture shock too

One of the things about helping your SP adjust is to understand the symptoms of culture shock. This link is written for a volunteer organization located in Africa, but it is applicable to anyone who finds themselves ina foreign culture for more than just a short holiday.

Sometimes the little problems or behaviors are the result of culture shock and we do not even realize it.

http://www.volunteerafrica.org/red/cultureshock

[Veiled Princess 1]

Wow I looked at that www and I almost checked yes to every one...Snaps I guess I suffer form culture shock too

One of the things about helping your SP adjust is to understand the symptoms of culture shock. This link is written for a volunteer organization located in Africa, but it is applicable to anyone who finds themselves ina foreign culture for more than just a short holiday.

Sometimes the little problems or behaviors are the result of culture shock and we do not even realize it.

http://www.volunteerafrica.org/red/cultureshock

Hmmmm.... OK so you're here... what's the update already????????

[Together4ever 1]

I know what I through personally while I lived all those months in Egypt. You can be quite the happy little camper and it still messes you up until you adjust. Open communication helps a lot, especially if its honest and not taken personally... you can talk your way through a lot.

[mybackpages 0]

MBP, Wow, thanks so much for the link. I'm going to show it to Abdel tonight. I think it should help him a lot because he is definitely having a lot of those symptoms.

Glad it helped. There are a lot of good sites about culture shock online. I just grabbed the first one. Worth doing a google on it.

I know I've experienced on long travel and seems i always have a little culture shock when returning home! I am just so happy when away

[babybunny 2]

Yeah I don't get why some people just won't give them the bidet... seems strange to me!

I was just gonna say that... what's the big deal?

I don't know. Honestly I have no idea why someone would be so upset about doing something for their fiance who moved half way around the world to be with her. Maybe it's a controlling issue?

Oh I wanted to add that Hicham doesn't care about Arabic channels but he does looove to see his favorite soccer team when he can.

I guess we can just ask!

shannon what is the big deal with the bidet? If Samir wants one are you going to get one?

it would be like us going to visit or SO's and them saying "ewwww you don't use a bidet?? that's so weird... youre gonna have to get used to it, because I don't want toilet paper in my bathroom!!"

come onnnnnnnnnn

I have to quit laughing and add my 2cents.

in pakistan my husband provided TP for me. sooooooo why not provide his watering deal.

as far as pakistani TV. My husband dont watch bollywood. he cant stand it.

he gets HBO in pakistan. I have lived in other countries and I certainly rember me adjusting to American life - that will add to how my Bingo will adjust.

my added advise is 2 things..

1... if he wanna go to see his family allow him to - not be bychen about it!

2... allow him to make phone calls to his family- dont treat him like a kid!

I have seen couples argue no matter what country you are from- about those 2 things! one thing when I lived overseas when I wanted to be home for 2 or 3 months I was given that opportunity. I certainly will encourage that to my husband.

Edited October 13, 2006 by babybunny

[honeyblonde 0]

I've lived in the Southern US for over 15 years now, and I think I'm still in culture shock. Maybe I need to move north for a while again.