Tips to help your SO adjust

[Ruthanne 0]

Abdell and I have been practising English since we met online. I have sent him pictures of the neighborhood, our house, the car , the grocery store etc. We already went through the money and I have asked him money questions. He is a whiz at math so dont think its going to be an issue. We have talked about converting kilometers and temperature. Oh yes and the date is not day-month - year but month day- year. I have figured out the animals in the house thing really bothers him. So am working on a nonanimal room although i have 3 dogs and 3 cats so this will be a challenge. (yikes) He is prepared to make a doggie door and a dog house and fence in the yard when he comes. I have learned to make couscous the way his mom makes and this makes him happy. I dont think we need a bidet. He didnt have one at his house. Found an awesome organic store as he has explained that natural foods are the way to be. I have already located the prayer times, mosque's in the area and explained that there are many Muslims here too. Other than that just cleaning out all the junk I have accumlated over the years. But he knows he gets to help me make it his home also.

[MrsAmera 41]

Food is important, not just being stocked up, but showing him where the good stores are, too.

Don't assume he knows how to use the stove or oven or that foil and forks stay out of the mic.

This is imperative!!! First, my husband had no idea what a microwave was, then he didn't understand that he couldn't just put whatever he wanted in it. I think one of his first adventures was putting a piece of bread in for 3 minutes --- let's just say the microwave was smoking black like I have never seen.

Another thing is make sure that he has things and a way to get out of the house. It will be a struggle for awhile (even if he is an outgoing guy) but it really makes a difference. It increases their independence and forces them to practice English (I know I sound mean but it's really the only way). Also, make sure he has a $20 in his pocket (or something) at all times. This will be hard at first esp. if he isn't working but he needs to know the money is both of yours and he has some access to it.

Fiances are a huge deal - I think from the beginning, after setting in a bit, sit down with them and show them the bills, explain to them what everything means (it sounds juvenile but remember most things there are not billed the same way they are here). Then show them a payment stub from your work, explain to them what everything means. My husband could not believe the amount of money that went towards paying bills and still grapples with the thought of having over $1000 a month in bills to pay. I think the best outcome of doing this is allowing them to see how hard and long you have to work to make money here. For many of them (and their families too) they think that money is easy and plentiful in the US. The sooner you get them involved in the financial process the sooner they will understand. One of our big struggles came from his family at home not understanding why he wasn't working. They believe that he they can come here and work immediately and make a lot of money. Allowing your SO to be involved will really help. The first few months I paid bills, I had Youssef do them seperate, I let him write the checks to practice (oh yea teach them how to write a check too!) and then I showed him how I payed the bills online. We opened a joint checking/savings after we were married and he got an ATM card, he's still afraid to use it but he has it in case he needs to.

Also - explaining credit, loans and income taxes. He wasn't very familiar with any of these things and was very interested in learning and understanding once I started to explain.

Those are some of my thoughts.

[Moe_lisa 0]

Just a couple suggestions! My husband has been here almost a year now and sure he gets homesick. No matter what you do or get its still not the same as home or his mother's cooking. You can get cable tv with arabic channels. Also download music to burn on cd's so he can listen to them in the car, running, etc. Also, we got an arabic converter dictionary for the computer. This is very helpful in translating english and helping them understand what the word really means. We also joined a telephone program online where its really reasonable to call home. He has all that info on a card in his wallet and programmed in his phone. As for the bathroom thing, ladies just give in and let them add it to the bathroom. Took 3 weeks of hanging out in all kinds of hardware stores to find the correct fittings to add this addition to the bathroom but once it was done, much happier husband! We searched and found places that served arabic dishes and cafes. In doing so he found 2 ppl in our small city that was from Jordan. This enables them to keep speaking their language which after time feels odd to them. Hope these ideas help! You wont make it go away totally but at least they know you care enough to try.

[sarah and hicham 3]

Yeah I don't get why some people just won't give them the bidet... seems strange to me!

[hollyw 0]

Yeah I don't get why some people just won't give them the bidet... seems strange to me!

I was just gonna say that... what's the big deal?

[sarah and hicham 3]

Yeah I don't get why some people just won't give them the bidet... seems strange to me!

I was just gonna say that... what's the big deal?

I don't know. Honestly I have no idea why someone would be so upset about doing something for their fiance who moved half way around the world to be with her. Maybe it's a controlling issue?

Oh I wanted to add that Hicham doesn't care about Arabic channels but he does looove to see his favorite soccer team when he can.

I guess we can just ask!

shannon what is the big deal with the bidet? If Samir wants one are you going to get one?

[morocco4ever 63]

Liz..your tea comment reminded me of the electric teapot that I'm gonna pick up for Mohamed. It boils water instantly which will be handy for him when I'm at work. The man drinks tea constantly! I've discussed the bidet thing with him and he says that a small watering can in the bathroom is sufficient for him. I already have a small plastic cup that I use in there. I agree with the other posters in regards to being sensitive to their SO's needs whether culturally or religiously. Remember ladies..these men are leaving their countries, families and other comforts to be with us the least we can do is make them comfortable at home. Keep the suggestions coming!

The thing that surprised me is that Islam is against interest. So I like to save money, but in the bank it accrues interest....I just can't win!

Everyone is really pointing out some great tips here!

[hollyw 0]

Yeah I don't get why some people just won't give them the bidet... seems strange to me!

I was just gonna say that... what's the big deal?

I don't know. Honestly I have no idea why someone would be so upset about doing something for their fiance who moved half way around the world to be with her. Maybe it's a controlling issue?

Oh I wanted to add that Hicham doesn't care about Arabic channels but he does looove to see his favorite soccer team when he can.

I guess we can just ask!

shannon what is the big deal with the bidet? If Samir wants one are you going to get one?

it would be like us going to visit or SO's and them saying "ewwww you don't use a bidet?? that's so weird... youre gonna have to get used to it, because I don't want toilet paper in my bathroom!!"

come onnnnnnnnnn

[libragodess 1]

I would like to purchase some Halal meat/products to stock up the fridge before My Love's arrival. Is there a place that's recommended to order from online?

[Henia 11]

I would like to purchase some Halal meat/products to stock up the fridge before My Love's arrival. Is there a place that's recommended to order from online?

Hello Libra I am not sure what city you are but I do know of a market in Pheonix called Baiz Market and Resturant. It is on 20th Str. Baiz Narket is the best place in Phoenix to find halal food. They have the meat delivered to them fresh every week. They have everything you need. They have goat meat, beef, chicken, fresh vegetables, cheese. They also have a restaurant within the grocery store.They are also the best halal restaurant in town; fantastic food, very nice fresh bread, halal meat, the best sweet in Arizona. People works there are very friendly and provide you the best service. Make sure and try out the beef shawarma. It is only $4.99 And is the best I have ever eaten.

Also you might want to go to www.islamifinder.com and type in your city and look for masjids, schools, muslims businesses, etc... the listing is actually a very good one.

Hope I helped.

[Henia 11]

stock up : wheat thins, mayo.... and plenty of algerian posters and pics from back home

LOL hmmm Icey there may be a Mayo and Wheat Thins shortage soon after Yacine arrives

I'm reading these lists (which are great, btw) and thinking to myself...are these husbands/fiances we're waiting for or have we adopted children? I've been thinking that since I started this process...it's like I'm adopting an orphan from overseas. Forgive me if that sounds rude or weird.

Ye it does seem like we are Kara... well I feel like that anyway... I find myself *teaching* my husband everyday normal things...and he seems to be in awe...

Here are some of my add-ons to the list:

Find out ahead of time, if you donnot ready know where your local masjid is

Decorate the home with some of his countrie's cultural decorative pieces

Keep reminding him before he comes that USA is ALOT different then his native country

Try to take photos or make videos of your home, city, various everyday things (like the laundermat, the grocery store)

Explain him that in the USA women and men are equal

Explain him all the "haraam" or close to haraam things he will encounter in the USA, so he is not shocked

Explain to him first off the the "money system" in the US and the pricing/taxes/banking--->debit cards

Take him on a tour of the neighbour and city and also make him a map to follow later on

Encourage him to make American friends as well as people from his country (other MENA men)

Practise with him his English skills before and after he arrives

Try to install some arabe (or french) channels he can watch

Try to see if some arabe newspaper are availible in your area

If nothing else, make sure you have net connection...so he is connected to family, news, enterainment

Be supportive ( you are the only one in the USA with him afterall)

Be patient ( he can be annoying at times, but it takes baby steps)

Explain them how many people *dislike* MENA people and get him ready for some possible reactions

(I feel it is esp frustrating for MENA who are so used having their cake and eating it too in their own native countries... it is a real shock to be a place where you are not in total control, you are depending on a women afterall and people are thinking worse things on you...)

Let be a part of everyday things he normally would and would not be a part of in MENA

Give him duties and responsitblities he can actually do and be proud of (praise him too)

Do all things possible together (shopping, cooking, making plans, budgets)

Explain him that in the USA are many haraam foods...show him what they are, how they raw and cooked, in what foods they are *hidden* in...so if he is ever out alone he will know

Show him people and places to avoid

Show him things and places he has never experienced before (amusement parks, arcades, Best Buy, etc) He might actually forget he is homesick

Try to get your family/friends to support and welcome him

Introduce him to common American applicances like the washing machine, microwave, toaster, electric coffee maker ...(hmm you would be surprsied how much is unknown to them LOL)

Have alot of quality time together

If you have children, try to be patient with both, him and the children...they will bond on there own terms

Also if you have children, get him in the habit of doing everyday things for the children, like picking them from school, preparing snacks etc...this will be good bonding tool to unite the family, also life lesson for him if he wants children of his own...(Hmm I keep asking my husband how he will act if we had a baby...with all the crying, diaper changes, etc...he seems to think he wil be a whiz at it...hmmm I donnot think so LOL)

[Veiled Princess 1]

The thing that surprised me is that Islam is against interest. So I like to save money, but in the bank it accrues interest....I just can't win!

Everyone is really pointing out some great tips here!

Open a second checking account..... usually those don't bear interest... and use it as your savings account... I have two open checking accounts... one for actual checking that I do and the other to put my savings... the second one I don't keep an ATM card or anything for and I didn't order any checks for it.

[Henia 11]

The thing that surprised me is that Islam is against interest. So I like to save money, but in the bank it accrues interest....I just can't win!

Everyone is really pointing out some great tips here!

Open a second checking account..... usually those don't bear interest... and use it as your savings account... I have two open checking accounts... one for actual checking that I do and the other to put my savings... the second one I don't keep an ATM card or anything for and I didn't order any checks for it.

VP has got a point... that is what I do in the states.

[ya falaha! 0]

The checking account idea is great! I only have a checking account myself.

[amal 4]

I want to forewarn everybody that I'm in a horrible mood this morning so I hope this post doesn't come off as nasty..... here goes

1 thing to do is...TELL THEM EVERY DAY THAT AMERICA IS NOT PERFECT

2nd thing to do is...TELL THEM EVERY DAY THAT AMERICA IS NOT PERFECT

3rd thing to do is ... TELL THEM EVERY DAY THAT YOU ARE NOT BORN AND BRED TO SPIT SHINE THE HOUSE ON AN HOURLY BASIS!!!

other things that can help... explain to them, at great length, just HOW HARD it IS to get money and save it here.

DON'T buy a house before they come ..just in case they HATE your town and want to move to TEXAS to work with their friends no matter how you really feel about the issue....coz all they will say is ..."i moved from my country and left everything so i could be with you...why CAN'T we move to another state"...so they totally lay the guilt on you for that one...

Don't think for 1 minute that they're going to be ok with any dogs in the house...I tried to tell mine before he got here that we had a dog and even showed him that she had a bed in the house....HE THOUGHT I WAS JOKING...

if you don't have any middle eastern markets nearby...FIND ONE!!! even if its 2 hours away (which is our situation) make plans to go and buy at least 2 weeks worth of food at a time to make it worth your trip!

STOCK UP ON ARABIAN PITA BREAD!!!!

baby wipes in the bathroom are your best friend and completely change the arabian husbands attitude

get the ATHAN on ur computer so u know when prayer time is

Know that he is going to expect a car soon...a cell phone soon...and won't understand the phrase.."we don't have enough money right now" and he will probably follow that phrase with "then we will never have the money" and get all mad about it

i've said it and will say it again just in case u glanced over it and didn't catch it before....EXPLAIN THAT YOU HAVE TO WORK A LONG TIME TO SAVE MONEY AND OUR BILLS ARE EXPENSIVE AND THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS HERE.....NO, HE CAN'T COME HERE AND IMMEDIATELY GET HIS DREAM JOB..if it were that easy, we would all have our dream jobs!!! He JUST MIGHT HAVE TO WORK IN A JOB THAT HE DOESN'T LIKE ...

ohh ohh..and ... the time here goes WAY faster than it does in their countries so they will feel like they are losing their lives really fast....this is hard for them so they get really impatient for their dream job....

PATIENCE PATIENCE PATIENCE...AND A LITTLE MORE PATIENCE IS REQUIRED IN ORDER TO HAVE A HAPPY HOUSEHOLD!!!!! I can't stress patience enough.. yes, its like we're adopting a teenager (temporarily) until they really get a grasp of things.......

sorry for the rant here..but there are just so many miniscule things that will make such a big big difference...things you never thought of...so i'm just trying to help

amal

oh yeah, i forgot 1 thing...if you have young children...let your SO know that our children are not perfect "like their children are ALWAYS" .. sometimes our kids don't get the shower curtain shut all the way and the bathroom floor WILL get wet....and more than likely, we will be the ones cleaning it up, not the kid. and they should also be aware that kids here have toys and they like to play with them in the front room sometimes....and they occasionally forget to clean up their mess and you have to remind them to do their chores on a daily basis (NO THEY DON'T GET IT THE FIRST TIME YOU TELL THEM "LIKE THE ARABIAN KIDS DO")....

That is just another thing to think of....