Tips to help your SO adjust

[ya falaha! 0]

Yes..Michigan does produce a lot of weirdos!

Weird is cool!

[Bosco 1]

I'm reading these lists (which are great, btw) and thinking to myself...are these husbands/fiances we're waiting for or have we adopted children? I've been thinking that since I started this process...it's like I'm adopting an orphan from overseas. Forgive me if that sounds rude or weird.

Hmm... never thought if it that way. Quite the contrary. I sometimes feel "less adult" He approached coming here with such a sense of duty and responsibility, not only to me and my daughter but his family back home. From the very beginning I felt humbled and wondered if I had lived up to my part. He started by coming with enough money so I would never feel I was providing, to heading out alone on his first day here, and from then on continually tackling new things without hesitation. He has been much more "aggressive" in making this his home than I can ever imagine myself doing in a foreign country. I sometimes feel like I am the dependent.

[amal 4]

Most of the things I would have suggested , have already been suggested...GREAT IDEAS EVERYONE!!! Having the right food around has been a big thing in my house...

I would recommend to any of you that have a muslim husband and also have dogs....it is important to have a room that the dog can't enter ... that ur husband can pray in....big thing here...

Pictures are nice but mine prefers to have albums so that he can be reminded when he wants and not have it out in the open when he's depressed.

will comment later...gotta get back to work now...

[ya falaha! 0]

I didn't mean I feel more adult than my husband. He's way more adult most of the time than I am! I just meant with all the beaurocracy, red tape, background checking, etc. plus all the fussing we make over the guys it seems like we're adopting babies instead of waiting for husbands.

I'm reading these lists (which are great, btw) and thinking to myself...are these husbands/fiances we're waiting for or have we adopted children? I've been thinking that since I started this process...it's like I'm adopting an orphan from overseas. Forgive me if that sounds rude or weird.

Hmm... never thought if it that way. Quite the contrary. I sometimes feel "less adult" He approached coming here with such a sense of duty and responsibility, not only to me and my daughter but his family back home. From the very beginning I felt humbled and wondered if I had lived up to my part. He started by coming with enough money so I would never feel I was providing, to heading out alone on his first day here, and from then on continually tackling new things without hesitation. He has been much more "aggressive" in making this his home than I can ever imagine myself doing in a foreign country. I sometimes feel like I am the dependent.

[browneyez40 0]

For Moroccan SO, it is helpful to have dried mint around the house just in case you run out of the fresh variety. Oh, and getting a "arabic" tea set is a nice reminder of home. My husband loves the tea set my sister bought us for Christmas.

-Carrie

[samir_shannon 0]

great post rahma!!!!! i will do all of the above but he just has to get used to toilet paper LOL no watering can in my bathroom.

[UmmSqueakster 54]

bump, anyone have anything new to add?

[Veiled Princess 1]

great post rahma!!!!! i will do all of the above but he just has to get used to toilet paper LOL no watering can in my bathroom.

I hope this doesn't sound rude but the whole water issue isn't nessecarily purely cultural... meaning it may be something important to him religiously so I'd ask him about it and if he feels he needs a way to clean himself with water at the toilet then it really wouldn't kill you to buy a bidet and let him install it on at least one of the toilets in the home.

Wanted to add... this a great topic... keep it up ladies... learning a lot here!!!!

Why did I think he'd just get off the plane and everything would go on as normal without anything adjusting in our lives???

Edited October 11, 2006 by Veiled Princess

[honeyblonde 0]

My parents did lots of little things that helped more with independence rather than long-term adjustment.

They printed out a big map of the immediate area that he could walk/bike ride too, including places he could run. Highlighted the bank, library, grocery store, mosque, etc. I hung it in our kitchen. (they blew up the pages from mapquest and taped them together).

They attached a quarter, dime, nickle, penny on a small piece of cardstock and laminated over the coins and wrote its value and it equivalent to a dollar. It was wallet size, so he could carry it for easy reference.

They typed up helpful phone numbers and laminated this for his wallet too.

My stepdad took him on the bus, metro and light rail shortly after he arrived, and took him to the transit station to get maps of all the routes. This was HUGE in making my husband feel comfortable navigating the public transportation system himself.

My parents gave him a stock of phonecards.

Explain 911. Explain sales tax. If they only have a dollar and something costs a dollar, they won't have enough.

It is so important to give them their own space, especially a clean spot to pray if they pray. If you have other household members, explain to them the importance of not disturbing him, passing directly in front of him.

Thanks so much for bumping this thread. Abdel has been dealing with issues of not feeling independent and I think I need to try a few of these. He doesn't feel like he can go anywhere because he doesn't feel at home here. It's funny because when he first got here he went all over. I guess now he realizes just how dangerous that was.

I think I need to do the map thing and show him what he can get to easily in our area (especially the library and the park with a lake where he can fish and run) and get the hours things are open put on it.

I think I'm also going to do a bus map for him to show him how to get to places like the department of labor (he hates his job but doesn't really know how to find another one), the malls, the local technical college, not sure what else.

He does know where the Starbucks is - funny how he found that on his own really fast.

I've been meaning to make him the wallet card with all of my family members phone numbers on it too, but still haven't gotten around to it. Thanks for the reminder that I need to get that done.

Shannon, if you don't want the watering can a box of baby wipes is a decent substitute.

As for tea, Abdel found Earl Gray to be a decent substitute for the tea he was used to back home. Also, Mr. Coffee makes an espresso machine that can be bought at Walmart for about $25. Definitely a good investment.

Edited October 11, 2006 by honeyblonde

[UmmSqueakster 54]

I think I need to do the map thing and show him what he can get to easily in our area (especially the library and the park with a lake where he can fish and run) and get the hours things are open put on it.

Map reading is definately important. Since map reading skills were taught to me in school at a relatively early age, I've just taken them for granted. Don't

Here's my newest tips:

Ask your SO if he knows how to read a map, and if not, plan some map lessons

Do everything you humanly possibly can to help him become independant as soon as possible.

[sarah and hicham 3]

great post rahma!!!!! i will do all of the above but he just has to get used to toilet paper LOL no watering can in my bathroom.

I hope this doesn't sound rude but the whole water issue isn't nessecarily purely cultural... meaning it may be something important to him religiously so I'd ask him about it and if he feels he needs a way to clean himself with water at the toilet then it really wouldn't kill you to buy a bidet and let him install it on at least one of the toilets in the home.

Wanted to add... this a great topic... keep it up ladies... learning a lot here!!!!

Why did I think he'd just get off the plane and everything would go on as normal without anything adjusting in our lives???

I agree... I think the water thing is cultural and for some it has religious implications such as being clean. Hicham isn't used to using paper so I think we will install a shower head with a hose which is what he is used to at home. I don't see anything wrong with making adjustments such as this to make your SO feel at home and to give them what they are used to.

[morocco4ever 63]

I wish I had some suggestions, but to be honest this is weighing heavily on me right now. Hopefully my husband will have his interview soon, and this of course brings about the reality that he might actually be here soon.

Now as wonderful as that sounds, I am nervous. My husband and I have friends that he just went to England to be with his wife. Although he is so happy to finally be with her, he finds himself extremely homesick. I also hear it time and time again here.

So thanks for bumping this thread, and please all, what are your thoughts?

[sarah and hicham 3]

There is only so much you can do to help with the homesickness in my opinion.

For the first 2 weeks that Hicham was here I tried my best to make him feel at home and we went shopping for clothes for him and food he likes etc.

I think I got pretty lucky though with Hicham as he doesn't seem to be homesick at all and has no desire to return to Morocco until maybe next summer to visit family. I hope you get as lucky as I have been because I think it can make things very stressful and difficult if they are extremely homesick. I also think that Hicham working has been a total lifesaver. It keeps him out of the house, he makes money, he has made friends, he is learning English, and he really appreciates his time off and our time together. I think ght temp. EAD was really worth it for us.

Sarah

[ya falaha! 0]

Liz..your tea comment reminded me of the electric teapot that I'm gonna pick up for Mohamed. It boils water instantly which will be handy for him when I'm at work. The man drinks tea constantly! I've discussed the bidet thing with him and he says that a small watering can in the bathroom is sufficient for him. I already have a small plastic cup that I use in there. I agree with the other posters in regards to being sensitive to their SO's needs whether culturally or religiously. Remember ladies..these men are leaving their countries, families and other comforts to be with us the least we can do is make them comfortable at home. Keep the suggestions coming!

[dawnnhatem 0]

great post rahma!!!!! i will do all of the above but he just has to get used to toilet paper LOL no watering can in my bathroom.

I know you've already taken a lot of heat on this but if I could just add that you would be doing yourself the favor in caving on this one....if he's the butt-watering type, hook him up- or he'll just use your kool-aid pitchers, empty pepsi bottles, your larger coffee mugs...you'll be checking the bathroom every time you do dishes. Really, just move the magazine rack over and find one you can stand looking at. I promise its not a big deal.

Theres a lot of good advice in here, I can't think of anything that hasn't already been given except a cell phone. In the beginning, it seemed that every time he left the house, he needed directions back or he would have a question about why someone said this or that. Having a direct line of communication made him independent very fast. (maybe too fast)

About money tho, theres a lot of us money going around over there. saw it in Jordan and Egypt. I don't think too many are unfamiliar with using US currency.

Food is important, not just being stocked up, but showing him where the good stores are, too.

Don't assume he knows how to use the stove or oven or that foil and forks stay out of the mic.

cant think of anything else right now

later