Tips to help your SO adjust

[Imua 0]

My husband doesn't like the store bought roti but he knows how to make it himself - also he just started a cooking class yesterday and will be learning to make Indian, Italian and Chinese dishes - so we will be eating well....

[childress_london 3]

Good points Amal. My husband is not here yet and I already know some of these problems. Instant dream job, plenty of money expected, children should be perfectly behaved and always respect him and I KNOW I'm going to have to explain that America is not perfect when he gets here and it's not what he expected. Then again, maybe I'll be wrong and he'll absolutely love it. I am lucky in one respect that my husband has lived in Canada for over four years now, so he is very familiar with how things will be here. But the culture is still a little different, so I know there will still be some adjustments. Oh and the point someone above made about in America men and women are equal. Good point. OH and I can think of an extra one here....the LAWS are different too. Make sure he knows what is legal and what isn't. LOL.

I want to forewarn everybody that I'm in a horrible mood this morning so I hope this post doesn't come off as nasty..... here goes

1 thing to do is...TELL THEM EVERY DAY THAT AMERICA IS NOT PERFECT

2nd thing to do is...TELL THEM EVERY DAY THAT AMERICA IS NOT PERFECT

3rd thing to do is ... TELL THEM EVERY DAY THAT YOU ARE NOT BORN AND BRED TO SPIT SHINE THE HOUSE ON AN HOURLY BASIS!!!

other things that can help... explain to them, at great length, just HOW HARD it IS to get money and save it here.

DON'T buy a house before they come ..just in case they HATE your town and want to move to TEXAS to work with their friends no matter how you really feel about the issue....coz all they will say is ..."i moved from my country and left everything so i could be with you...why CAN'T we move to another state"...so they totally lay the guilt on you for that one...

Don't think for 1 minute that they're going to be ok with any dogs in the house...I tried to tell mine before he got here that we had a dog and even showed him that she had a bed in the house....HE THOUGHT I WAS JOKING...

if you don't have any middle eastern markets nearby...FIND ONE!!! even if its 2 hours away (which is our situation) make plans to go and buy at least 2 weeks worth of food at a time to make it worth your trip!

STOCK UP ON ARABIAN PITA BREAD!!!!

baby wipes in the bathroom are your best friend and completely change the arabian husbands attitude

get the ATHAN on ur computer so u know when prayer time is

Know that he is going to expect a car soon...a cell phone soon...and won't understand the phrase.."we don't have enough money right now" and he will probably follow that phrase with "then we will never have the money" and get all mad about it

i've said it and will say it again just in case u glanced over it and didn't catch it before....EXPLAIN THAT YOU HAVE TO WORK A LONG TIME TO SAVE MONEY AND OUR BILLS ARE EXPENSIVE AND THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS HERE.....NO, HE CAN'T COME HERE AND IMMEDIATELY GET HIS DREAM JOB..if it were that easy, we would all have our dream jobs!!! He JUST MIGHT HAVE TO WORK IN A JOB THAT HE DOESN'T LIKE ...

ohh ohh..and ... the time here goes WAY faster than it does in their countries so they will feel like they are losing their lives really fast....this is hard for them so they get really impatient for their dream job....

PATIENCE PATIENCE PATIENCE...AND A LITTLE MORE PATIENCE IS REQUIRED IN ORDER TO HAVE A HAPPY HOUSEHOLD!!!!! I can't stress patience enough.. yes, its like we're adopting a teenager (temporarily) until they really get a grasp of things.......

sorry for the rant here..but there are just so many miniscule things that will make such a big big difference...things you never thought of...so i'm just trying to help

amal

oh yeah, i forgot 1 thing...if you have young children...let your SO know that our children are not perfect "like their children are ALWAYS" .. sometimes our kids don't get the shower curtain shut all the way and the bathroom floor WILL get wet....and more than likely, we will be the ones cleaning it up, not the kid. and they should also be aware that kids here have toys and they like to play with them in the front room sometimes....and they occasionally forget to clean up their mess and you have to remind them to do their chores on a daily basis (NO THEY DON'T GET IT THE FIRST TIME YOU TELL THEM "LIKE THE ARABIAN KIDS DO")....

That is just another thing to think of....

[childress_london 3]

I could care less if mine comes with any money at all as long as he comes!!! I know his financial situation and I know that he's starting even now to save for the time that he won't be able to work so he can still send his sisters money but I make plenty and live very comfortably and I'm not marrying him for anything other than the fact that I'm in love with him. I know in time he will be able to support me but realisitically speaking I know it won't happen overnight.

I second that.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

:gonna spend an hour reading this one over the weekend:

thanks for bumping it!

[nunyab 0]

wow Amal how are you doing these days

I have told my husband many many times all that you just said, i don't have a dog so that's cool and shop halal. I already told my husband i found him a job but it's in a gas station down the street. When i told him it sells alchohol he said no... my reply good luck then when you have your income you can have your own money.

[hurriya 0]

This may have already been addressed by someone, I don't get to check in everyday and there are SO many pages of previous posts that I didn't take the time to go back through to check. Nevertheless, it is EXTREMELY important to warn your SO (especially if it is a man) that he is NEVER to exit the vehicle when stopped by a police officer unless/until instructed to do so. While we were living in Rabat I regularly witnessed many men, my husband included, immediately jump out of the car and storm back to the police officer when we were stopped. He would flail his arms aggressively while arguing/shouting with the police over whatever infraction we were stopped for (usually running a red light or stop sign) There, the usually unarmed police officer, would hear him out and/or argue his own stance, but it was always a lenghty process with alot of hystrionics.

I won't know if the idea has truly seeped in until he is here, but I repeatedly told him even then and regularly tell him now that he will be shot if this happens here.

[Staashi 371]

This may have already been addressed by someone, I don't get to check in everyday and there are SO many pages of previous posts that I didn't take the time to go back through to check. Nevertheless, it is EXTREMELY important to warn your SO (especially if it is a man) that he is NEVER to exit the vehicle when stopped by a police officer unless/until instructed to do so. While we were living in Rabat I regularly witnessed many men, my husband included, immediately jump out of the car and storm back to the police officer when we were stopped. He would flail his arms aggressively while arguing/shouting with the police over whatever infraction we were stopped for (usually running a red light or stop sign) There, the usually unarmed police officer, would hear him out and/or argue his own stance, but it was always a lenghty process with alot of hystrionics.

I won't know if the idea has truly seeped in until he is here, but I repeatedly told him even then and regularly tell him now that he will be shot if this happens here.

OMG, but yeah!!!! Our police officers don't play any games.

[Aymsgirl 0]

This may have already been addressed by someone, I don't get to check in everyday and there are SO many pages of previous posts that I didn't take the time to go back through to check. Nevertheless, it is EXTREMELY important to warn your SO (especially if it is a man) that he is NEVER to exit the vehicle when stopped by a police officer unless/until instructed to do so. While we were living in Rabat I regularly witnessed many men, my husband included, immediately jump out of the car and storm back to the police officer when we were stopped. He would flail his arms aggressively while arguing/shouting with the police over whatever infraction we were stopped for (usually running a red light or stop sign) There, the usually unarmed police officer, would hear him out and/or argue his own stance, but it was always a lenghty process with alot of hystrionics.

I won't know if the idea has truly seeped in until he is here, but I repeatedly told him even then and regularly tell him now that he will be shot if this happens here.

OMG, but yeah!!!! Our police officers don't play any games.

I never even thought about telling my husband this. I could see him getting out and going to shake the officer's hand!!!

[UmmSqueakster 54]

*bump a lump*

[UmmSqueakster 54]

I don't know if I mentioned these before:

*Get the resume right before he gets here! At least in Egypt, their "resume" is NOT what we're looking for here. If there are any additional skills he can acquire while back home (microsoft computer training comes to mind), get those to fill out the resume.

*Gather any college documents he has and bring them with. Certified copies of transcripts are good. If possible, see if he can have them evaluated (we used ece.org).

*Practice practice practice the cover letter. Abu Squeakster has spent hundreds of hours reading various cover letters and articles on cover letters and then writing and revising until his template cover letter sounds like a native english speaker wrote it.

*Practice interviewing. There are lots of sample interview questions available online. You be the interviewer and practice interviewing him.

*Practice office phone conversations and office talk.

*Practice filling out job applications. Find some job applications online and fill em out.

*Once he arrives, don't delay in getting a volunteer position if he's comfortable with english. Non profits are always looking for volunteers. It may be possible to even find a position that is similar to what he actually wants to work as. Plan to work in a volunteer position for several months before getting an EAD. This looks great on the resume and provides references, which are essential to getting a decent job.

*If his english isn't up to snuff, english classes. Here in the Twin Cities, we thankfully have a lot of options since we have a large refugee population. Local churches and the literacy council all offer them.

[Mommy2ZaidnSalma 11]

I would say the biggest things to prepare for are the fact that money does not grow on trees and they will probably not land the dream job or open the successful business they had been told they would.

The other things like arabian food, dogs, alcohol, clean house, previous kids, etc. I would say thats a case by case basis. Maybe im lucky but my husband cleans and cooks on days I work late and he takes care of the baby and changes diapers when I cannot. We do have a dog who sleeps on the couches and licks us and the baby to death. My husband is not a shamed that he enjoys hamburger helper, stouffers meals, and hot dogs on the grill. Dont get me wrong, we make our fair share of gourmet meals but he and I both know that an elaborate meal everyday is not practical. He doesnt mind if his food is halal, as long as its not touched by pork its all good...We do drink alcohol and personally dont see anything wrong with it. I guess what im geting at is only YOU know what type of person your marrying. Dont think that they "will change when they come to america" chances are if they are controlling and overbearing and bossy from the beginning that WILL NEVER CHANGE.

The biggest factor for us was finding stability. We were 20 and 22 when we married and neither of us went to college. 4 years later, THANK GOD, we are making a decent living and are able to have nice things, but it took a long time and many many obstacles to overcome to get here.

[Aymsgirl 0]

I would say the biggest things to prepare for are the fact that money does not grow on trees and they will probably not land the dream job or open the successful business they had been told they would.

I can't stress the above enough. It doesn't matter how honest you are with them about how hard things are here in America they still have Hollywood glasses on when they arrive. We are dealing with major issues regarding landing the dream job and it is tearing things apart.

[UmmSqueakster 54]

I can't stress the above enough. It doesn't matter how honest you are with them about how hard things are here in America they still have Hollywood glasses on when they arrive. We are dealing with major issues regarding landing the dream job and it is tearing things apart.

I think this is a common thing many people experience. You have to determine how much you're willing to put up with. Hypothetical questions for those preparing for a MENA man's arrival - Can you handle a year or more of unemployment? And if he wants to hold out for a better job, is he willing to put the effort to do what he needs to do to get it? Is he willing to put in a 10 hour day looking for a job, studying english, practicing skills x, y and z?

America may be the land of opportunity, but that opportunity doesn't come right away, and it requires a lot of hardwork and dues paying before you find the opportunity.

Another thing to ask - how long is he willing to wait before he visits home again? AbuS has not been home since he got here. He was planning on visiting this fall, 4 years after he arrived. Guess what? He got laid off. Oops, there goes that plan. Now it's pushed back to sometime next year.

[MrsAmera 41]

I second what UmmSqueakster just said. However I don't think they really DO get it. Another question is how much are they planning to support their family at home. Although some wives may say "no way no how" that might cause a MAJOR bump in the relationship. I think it's best to be understanding and at least let him voice his desire. One thing that we did was plot out all of our bills and then give each of us an "allowance" how we spent that was completely up to each of us. If he decides to send it home that's fine (although we do send more than just that).

The biggest issue is how much work are they willing to put into it. Jobs are not a dime a dozen and not the kind of jobs that they will most likely want. They will have to spend time applying, preparing and getting the skill set needed to compete for those dream jobs. Be realistic about the level of involvement you can have, if you can't offer hours a day to help him let him know that. Guide him but don't do it for him!

[doodlebugg 10]

This may have already been addressed by someone, I don't get to check in everyday and there are SO many pages of previous posts that I didn't take the time to go back through to check. Nevertheless, it is EXTREMELY important to warn your SO (especially if it is a man) that he is NEVER to exit the vehicle when stopped by a police officer unless/until instructed to do so. While we were living in Rabat I regularly witnessed many men, my husband included, immediately jump out of the car and storm back to the police officer when we were stopped. He would flail his arms aggressively while arguing/shouting with the police over whatever infraction we were stopped for (usually running a red light or stop sign) There, the usually unarmed police officer, would hear him out and/or argue his own stance, but it was always a lenghty process with alot of hystrionics.

I won't know if the idea has truly seeped in until he is here, but I repeatedly told him even then and regularly tell him now that he will be shot if this happens here.

OMG, but yeah!!!! Our police officers don't play any games.

I never even thought about telling my husband this. I could see him getting out and going to shake the officer's hand!!!

me too!!!!!!!!

Also don't spit seed shells near a police officer 'cause it's offensive!!! Husband had a ton of seeds in his pocket in nyc and we were walking around and passed by a police officer and he spit his seeds which nearly hit the guy's feet! The officer gave him a look to kill and my husband kept on walking oblivious to what he did.