Things I hate about my ex

[Marilyn. 340]

no exes for me or my husband.. and I hope to never have an ex..

[Nagishkaw 510]

I have scars on my body from my ex....enough said.

[scandal 951]

Sorry I'm late. Eating lunch.

I hate my ex. He has blown my kids off for 7 weeks in a row now. He calls them and tells them he's going to come and take them out to the movies, Friendly's, etc. and never shows. Then, when I try to call him, he ignores my phone calls.

There's a lot of other things I hate about my ex too. He hasn't paid child support, ever. He works as a barber and gets paid in cash so they can't garnish his check. He bought his girlfriend a diamond necklace for christmas. He says he has 'no' money what an a-hole.

There's a lot of other things I hate about him but I'd like to see what you guys have to say about the winners you guys were with.

He sounds like a real loser, Susi. Maybe we can set him up with my ex, they'd be a good match.

I can relate to your story. In reverse.

My ex has custody of the 3 kids, and she lives with them in Brazil. Our divorce agreement specifically describes the access (phone, Skype, etc.) I'm supposed to have to the kids considering that they would be living in a different country. She entirely disregards this. She's instructed them to never give me their cell phone numbers. My daughter once gave me her number, I called her, and my ex then had the number changed. She refuses to provide me the address where they live, so I can't send any mail or packages. I do have their grandmother's address in Brazil so I've been able to send packages there, most of which mysteriously get "lost" or "delayed" in the postal system. She only allows them to Skype with me when she's physically present in the room to overhear our calls. The result is that we Skype only infrequently due to her "schedule". She "forbids" them to chat with me using MSN or Facebook. I contacted the school they were attending to find out how they were doing, she sent me a threatening email warning me that if I did so she would pull them out and put them in a different school. Then a few months later she pulled 2 of them out anyway, forbidding them from even telling me which school they are now attending. These are not young kids we're talking about, they're teenagers.

I've been to Brazil 3 times since they moved there after the divorce, at roughly 6 month intervals. The kids are great, they love to spend time with me, but they are really feeling pressured by this need of hers to control and limit my contact to them. I'm very upset and resentful of her pressuring the kids in this way. Whatever problems she has with me, she should address with me rather than putting the kids in the middle.

As to money, I volunteered a generous child support amount in our negotiated divorce agreement. It was never my intention to shortchange my kids - I want them to have the standard of living we had before the divorce. I prepaid 18 months of child support in advance in consideration of the move they were making to Brazil and her need to set up her new life there. She, in turn, played some dirty tricks with some joint accounts we had that were agreed to be split post-divorce.

I have every intention of honoring my child support obligations, and then some. My eldest son came to me with a request to pay for his private school tuition, above and beyond the support agreement. We're talking about many thousands of dollars, which I have paid so that he can graduate and go on to university and get on with his life. He's a senior and is graduating this year and wants to come to university in Canada. I can't wait for him to leave her house and come to Canada. I plan to drive up there with him, settle him into his dorm and his studies. My hope is that all 3 kids leave her home when they turn 18 and enter college. I hope they all leave Brazil and come to Canada or the US to study. I have every intention of helping them financially through their university years, and till they establish themselves as young adults. My long term focus is on having good healthy relationships with them after they've matured and set up new lives.

I encourage them to maintain good ties with their mother - she will always be their mom. We will always be linked. There will be college graduations, weddings, birth of children (our grandchildren) that we will BOTH want to be part of. I wish she would act more civilly towards me in light of that, but she refuses to even be in the same room with me. Oh well.

[scandal 951]

Easy said than done. It is easy when its out of sight out of mind kind of situation. But in situations where you have to deal with your ex for number of reasons, then NO, issues still remains.

A lot of people do have kids involved and they have to have ex involved in their current life because of that situation. So I do think give some space to people if they do want to vent.

Thanks trinket. That's exactly right.

If all my ex and I ever had were material possessions, there would be no issue here. We would have just split the IRA accounts, sold the house and divided the proceeds, and moved on with our separate lives. I wouldn't give a damn where she lived, what she did, or how she behaved.

But the fact is I have 3 kids, kids I love very much, that are with her. So I DO care where and how she lives, and how she behaves. And it DOES matter that she throws obstacles into my relationship with my kids.

She will always be a factor in my life, for the rest of my days, because we share these kids. As they grow, get married, have kids of their own, we will BOTH be intimately involved. Our kids will ALWAYS feel the stress of having to placate her need to not be anywhere near me, and my need to be part of their lives.

This has nothing to do with moving on and starting a new relationship. I am happily remarried, I have no residual feelings for her. I wish her the best personally, I really do. I hope she finds happiness - in relationships, with friends and family, in life in general. I have a vested interest in her doing so. If she finds happiness, that can only be beneficial for my kids. If she harbors resentment, that can only hurt them.

People who haven't been through a messy divorce with kids really shouldn't judge. Just sayin.

I have scars on my body from my ex....enough said.

I hope he spent time in jail, Nagi. Seriously.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

This thread makes me think thAt wanting to rant about an ex could only mean unresolved issues; I think one should resolve those issues first because I think it is inevitable not to project those issues on the new love. That's why I don't believe in people saying finding someone new to get over an ex, i think people should stop ranting and focusing their energy on the ex/exes and gear that energy towards the new one person you're with..

If you're still ranting, then you're clearly not over your ex yet.. that's my own opinion

besides ur new love do not really wanna hear about exes that much

I wholeheartedly disagree. It's like having a ###### friend, sometimes YEARS later someone reminds you of that ###### friend and so you whinge and complain about them. I'm still scarred from ###### friends, scarred from my last ###### job, just as I'm scarred (emotionally) from my ex so it's only natural every now and then to be reminded of them. It's when you obsess and think about them all the time that you're not truly "over it" and should seek counselling or another form of emotional support.

My ex was emotionally abusive, not physically, just emotionally. I rarely think about him (except in posts like this ) but my husband has heard a LOT about him because we were friends while I was still with my shithead ex. The trouble was he WASN'T an awful person when we first got together. He was actually nice and sweet and he slowly changed. He was (is) highly intelligent and was very irritating about it. LOVED to correct EVERYONE. The problem is because he WAS nice it was very easy to blame myself for it. That I must have done something, or I was doing something to change him. BUT in the end I finally got out and he still wanted to be friends. He never realised (and still doesn't) just how bad it was. I tried to remain friends to stop him getting "depressed" (he was prone to it and would cry every time I tried to leave) and he revealed to me that he went and saw a psychiatrist and has since been diagnosed as having "rapid cyclic bipolar disorder" (makes complete sense now). As an aside his mother came to visit from Malaysia with his sister. His mother asked for my email address and wrote me an email telling me that I deserved better and that he reminds her of her husband (his dad) and that she doesn't want me to suffer. His Aunt also admonished him publically when we were at a restaurant and he was pulling his usual stunts. So i know it wasn't all in my head. If his family can see it, maybe it's not just my fault..

Some random things he would do:

- I HAD to go to bed when he went to bed because I "woke" him when I got in

- I HAD to get up when he got up otherwise he wouldn't be able to wake up and it was my fault he was late for stuff

- He refused to come grocery shopping with me, and would instead sit at home on his computer. We kept a record of who owed who what and he said he shouldn't have to pay for petrol because I was the one driving. I said "yeah to get US food" so eventually he was okay with it

- He told me i was "allowed" to buy a new laptop (even though I was the one working, his parents paid for everything for him as an international student) because it wasn't "necessary". He told me that if I did it showed that when we got married i would be irresponsible with our money. I bought one anyway and told him that as it was MY money and I EARNED it that i would spend it as i wished and that as long as i can still afford to pay rent etc then it has no effect on him and that when the time came that it was "our" money i would of course talk to him about it

- I wasn't allowed to play "World of Warcraft" because it was an addictive game and it was unfair to have it in the same house as him as a "temptation". I played it in secret and it's how I met Tony.

Tony is so the opposite of my ex. He is just everything anyone would want in a partner and friend. Eternally loyal, loving, attentive, caring, smart, strong, and a solid character too. I might not be where I am if it wasn't for my ex so I suppose I have to thank him a little for that...

Edited February 13, 2010 by Vanessa&Tony

[Kathryn41 3,205]

That's tough, Scandal. I really don't understand why ex spouses have to be such dogs in the manger about their children.

My ex-partner (- with whom I have no issues - our relationship just went in different directions after 9 years and we parted on good terms) - had a similar situation with his ex and their two sons. She had actually abandoned them with him when she left him for someone else and for the first few years of their divorce. Then she broke up with this guy and wanted back into her kids' lives. He was pleased that she wanted to be involved and they worked out terms of sharing physical custody - until she tried to abduct them from him out of state. It was actually her parents who notified him of the attempt because they didn't feel their own daughter was the right person to have physical care of the boys and preferred that he did. She tried to throw all sorts of roadblocks in his way and he kept trying to work things out for the boys' sake. She finally sued for full custody, he counter-sued for full custody, - then after 2 years of back and forth wrangling, she dropped her suit when it appeared that the Friends of the Court investigation would likely award him full custody and they settled again on joint custody. Nothing was changed except he ended up loosing their home to pay his lawyers' fees for all of this nonsense. Once they were old enough, both boys cut her out of their lives.

[Calypso 464]

Now I see why you've started this thread.

[Susita 175]

This thread makes me think thAt wanting to rant about an ex could only mean unresolved issues; I think one should resolve those issues first

Hey unfortunately, you can't 'resolve' the fact that the father of your children is a hurtful, irresponsible, poor excuse for a human being. I rant because it's comforting to know that other people are going through something similar and also need someone to vent to.

As for my husband, if I need to talk he is always there to listen. He's great. I say, if someone really loves you they will be there for you in 'thick and thin' and he definitely is. He also acts as the father that these kids really deserve.

That being said, Scandal - that must be so hard. It's so exciting that your son wants to study in CA though, you'll be able to see him a lot more, that would be great.

[Susita 175]

If you're still ranting, then you're clearly not over your ex yet.. that's my own opinion

*ahem*

you're wrong. If someone was hurting your child and you had little/no control of it, how would you feel? My kids are everything to me. I personally wouldn't care if my ex disappeared and never came back... but I think of my two little boys and how disappointed they are everytime he says he's coming and doesn't show up.

This is a thread to talk about exes. If you don't have one, good for you, I envy you! But geez, please do not pass your judgement on us.

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

I have scars on my body from my ex....enough said.

I'm with scandal on this one. There is no excuse for this nonsense. He likes to hit women, maybe he'll like it better in jail where there are some kind and gentle people.

[Susita 175]

I'm with scandal on this one. There is no excuse for this nonsense. He likes to hit women, maybe he'll like it better in jail where there are some kind and gentle people.

I second that.

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

no exes for me or my husband.. and I hope to never have an ex..

Hear, hear, I'm single and I've never been married, if I do take the plunge I pray it's only once and I never have an ex.

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

*ahem*

you're wrong. If someone was hurting your child and you had little/no control of it, how would you feel? My kids are everything to me. I personally wouldn't care if my ex disappeared and never came back... but I think of my two little boys and how disappointed they are everytime he says he's coming and doesn't show up.

This is a thread to talk about exes. If you don't have one, good for you, I envy you! But geez, please do not pass your judgement on us.

I agree. Once you have kids there is no such thing as a true ex. The kids are always going to bind you together, even if he is a worthless POS. I suppose that is an unresolved issue, newlyweds, but I've seen some really, really nasty situations in my time and there are no feelings of love or even kindness, only pure hate. Those people started out all lovey dovey too, newlyweds. Word to the wise.

Edited February 13, 2010 by IR5FORMUMSIE

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

Thanks trinket. That's exactly right.

If all my ex and I ever had were material possessions, there would be no issue here. We would have just split the IRA accounts, sold the house and divided the proceeds, and moved on with our separate lives. I wouldn't give a damn where she lived, what she did, or how she behaved.

But the fact is I have 3 kids, kids I love very much, that are with her. So I DO care where and how she lives, and how she behaves. And it DOES matter that she throws obstacles into my relationship with my kids.

She will always be a factor in my life, for the rest of my days, because we share these kids. As they grow, get married, have kids of their own, we will BOTH be intimately involved. Our kids will ALWAYS feel the stress of having to placate her need to not be anywhere near me, and my need to be part of their lives.

This has nothing to do with moving on and starting a new relationship. I am happily remarried, I have no residual feelings for her. I wish her the best personally, I really do. I hope she finds happiness - in relationships, with friends and family, in life in general. I have a vested interest in her doing so. If she finds happiness, that can only be beneficial for my kids. If she harbors resentment, that can only hurt them.

People who haven't been through a messy divorce with kids really shouldn't judge. Just sayin.

Scandal, I had no idea. I have a newfound level of respect for you and all the people here who have had to deal with mean, manipulative and just plain psycho exes.

[Calypso 464]

Scandal, I had no idea. I have a newfound level of respect for you and all the people here who have had to deal with mean, manipulative and just plain psycho exes.

I admire you all who are giving your best for your children and also those who have found a better spouse.