How do you find your strength?

[Together4ever 1]

I was just sitting here pondering some things. I thought maybe it might be nice to share what we do to manage the stress of our visa journeys. What are some of your tools, rituals, techniques for getting through this... particularly those melt down moments?

I know personally there have been too many times I have NOT coped. I have cried. I have ranted to friends (sorry). I have comfort eaten. I have sulked and sulked a lot.

When I get fed up with myself, I turn to other more positive diversions, like tending my orchid, art and writing, and I PRAY. I don't pray for his visa because my personal opinion is I should not pray for things. I pray for strength. I pray for strength and good fortune for others. I pray for clarity of mind. I pray for the ability to accept whatever comes. Then I babble on incoherently about how much I love Mohammed. (I'm such a dork.)

Anyway... anyone else care to share?

[UmmSqueakster 54]

I guess I didn't take the immigration process too hard. Tamer and I had a long distance relationship for 3 years before we started the visa process, what was one more year of waiting?

I try to look at things in terms of the big picture. My husband and I promised that we'd be together for 80 years (don't know how we arrived at that number, since he'll be 105 and i'll be 101 then, lol). So, a year for the visa, 3 years ldr, that still leaves 76 years to be together. Immigration is just a blip on the radar compared to the time we have to spend the rest of our lives together inshaAllah.

For particular meltdown moments, when I feel helpless about something, I look to these prophetic dua -

Hasbiya Llahu wa ni'ma l'wakil - Allah is my sufficiency, and how perfect a benefactor [is He].

Ya Hayyu ya Qayyum, bi rahmatika astaghith - Oh You, the Everlasting and All-Sustainer, persistently do I invoke Your mercy

Alhamdulilahi ala kulli ha - Praise be to Allah, in ever state.

inshaAllah you'll get through it, you'll be together for 50 years, and when you're 80, you can look back on this whole process and laugh together

[bornot2b 0]

Today is a hard day for me and I was happy to find this topic. There are not enough tears for how this process makes me feel, and my brain constantly is on scramble.

When I am able to be objective, prayer is a great strenghther. Reading VJ help some and other support groups. When I am away from the PC I bury myself in work, homemaking and my children.

I am thinking of take up biking and this will give me and my son one more activity we can do together.

It really does not become a big problem for me, until my quiet times.

My husband does his best to help fill some of those quiet times, whether it is on phone,text or PC. Still

when that is finished the realization that we are not physically together sets in. Holding my pillow tight is

my only option and praying myself to sleep.

Thanks for the vent!

[ya falaha! 0]

Mohamed and I had a long distance relationship for about 1.5 yrs before we were married. I handled that beautifully but as soon as we were married and I returned to the states alone...I fell apart. It seems every time I go to visit when I return to the states it takes me a good two months to get over it. It helps to be around ppl. I always feel better at work or when visiting friends. I saw my personal physician yesterday to ask her what I can do to get the "edge" off. She told me that she has another patient in the same circumstances. That made me feel relieved that my doctor understood me and my feelings (my doctor is also an immigrant so she knows how difficult the visa process is first hand). She told me she knows how difficult it is...how it feels like your future is in someone else's hands and you're completely powerless..she hit the nail on the head! She asked if I thought seeing a counselor might help and I told her that I had found a support group online (VJ). She thinks VJ is an excellent idea! She also prescribed me an antidepressent/antianxiety medication. Inshallah this will help too.

[Henia 11]

Esalaamu Aleikum....

Personally, I cope since I know all the trails and hardships are from Allah (swt) and if I get through them.... inchallah I will be rewarded by the gates of al Janna...

Also in every prayer I thank Allah for all I have...never ask why dont I have this and this...as Allah(swt) never leaves the believer.

And lastly cos I know I have very special guy my inchallah (future) husband that makes it worth while.

Peace and Blessings

[Together4ever 1]

When I was at my lowest point, Mohammed reminded me that we still have each other no matter what happens and NOTHING will break that. There is a lot of strength in that for me as well.

Z... I have danced back and forth with the meds idea. I always end up running away from them. Maybe I would be better off with them? Moh encouraged me at one point to do it, but I cancelled the appointment.

[Aymerlu 3]

I cry a lot and I fill Jeans mailbox with tears too! LOL On the weekends I do everything possible to stay out of the house and do things with the kids. I also did start taking a low dose antidepressant which as helped out a lot.

Well....off to the pool again today! Oh.....then to the grocery store. Man I hate going there.

[jamrok 0]

I was just sitting here pondering some things. I thought maybe it might be nice to share what we do to manage the stress of our visa journeys. What are some of your tools, rituals, techniques for getting through this... particularly those melt down moments?

I know personally there have been too many times I have NOT coped. I have cried. I have ranted to friends (sorry). I have comfort eaten. I have sulked and sulked a lot.

When I get fed up with myself, I turn to other more positive diversions, like tending my orchid, art and writing, and I PRAY. I don't pray for his visa because my personal opinion is I should not pray for things. I pray for strength. I pray for strength and good fortune for others. I pray for clarity of mind. I pray for the ability to accept whatever comes. Then I babble on incoherently about how much I love Mohammed. (I'm such a dork.)

Anyway... anyone else care to share?

You are no Dork....it's rather cute..

[Together4ever 1]

Amy, you mean like the night I called you sobbing incoherently??? Email me more tears! I owe you!

and I am TOO a dork... (hahaha)

[M+S 0]

IN this whole long process I really don't know how I get that power to wait that long and I know it was a gift from god ..

My husband is wonderful man ,he definetly helped me alot .. he saved every penny he had he even had to eat less to save the money for the one of his trips ..sold his laptop once to be able to visit me ..he did everything he can just to be with me in these days he visited me ..I did my best by going online for weeks looking desperatly for the cheapest airline tickets for us ..and Thank god we could find cheap ones after long time searching ..so My husband visited me 3 times in 9 months that made thinsg easier ...i had left my job to be able to travel when the visa is ready and I was supposed to study for my USMLE but I never could ..every time I study i feel depressed and I can't dissociate my mind from thinking of Mark and being with him and thinking if this will ever end !!! so I only studied few chapters in 2 or 3 books of my USMLE!!!!!!!!!!!! Ifeel like a loser!!!

but lately 2 months ago I start to feel physical syptoms in my body ...like i had a horrible feeling of chest tightness and sever pain in my pelvis and inability to breathe , I knew that all these things are happening to me because I am depressed esp that I live in the room where Mark and I used to sleep and in my parents house were we had lots of memories and in the streets and every where I go there was a place we have been there together so that made me feel depressed..

so My husband forced me to go to Gym .."although they are expensive in Cairo 120$ a month"...so going to the Gym helped me alot I used to spend there like 4 -5 hours daily woking out..

another thing I did ..I moved to my brother room to stay and sleep in it since my room was make me feel depressed and sad..

and definelty VJ helped me alot and you guys and your support really helped me alot..THANK YOU

I am a dork too ..lol

Edited July 29, 2006 by M+S

[Looking4Wife 0]

Good post, and good question...

I'm not sure coping is the right word for us... surviving may be a better word for us...

We pray, we talk about each other to our friends all the time, and tell them how much we miss each other.

We try to stay busy with work, and I also get diversions from my (inconsistent) exercise.

We talk on the phone usually once in the morning and once at night. We also do an internet chat once per week.

More often then not, she falls asleep talking to me on the phone at night. After she falls asleep, if I can't get to sleep, then I check VJ and/or do some more immigration prep/research.

I try to visit her every 2 months. I will visit in August, but the airfares after August thru Jan 2007 look scary...

In fact I think I will call her now...

[MrsBruce5 0]

First off, there is nothing wrong with loving someone-therfore, you aren't a dork.

I waited for 2 years. First, for my ex husband to sign the divorce papers, and then for all of our CR1 papers to go through. I had my days where I thought I would fall to pieces, but somehow, I carried on. Yes, I did pray for strength, and I prayed for patience.

I also found that I worked and worked and worked. Sometimes 7 days a week if I could. I saved up some money, and passed away the time.

Keeping busy and not focusing on how much I wished my life was differerent helped. And when I began to get down on myself, and the situation, I would make plans for the future in my head.

Some of these plans have been done, some still are yet to be done when he comes home next week.

Looking toward the future helps greatly. Do not lose your hope, and keep in your pocket that this is only temporary. One day it will indeed be over.

Best Wishes.

[iceyspots 0]

Prayer and vigorous exercise works!!

[morocco4ever 63]

Mohamed and I had a long distance relationship for about 1.5 yrs before we were married. I handled that beautifully but as soon as we were married and I returned to the states alone...I fell apart. It seems every time I go to visit when I return to the states it takes me a good two months to get over it. It helps to be around ppl. I always feel better at work or when visiting friends. I saw my personal physician yesterday to ask her what I can do to get the "edge" off. She told me that she has another patient in the same circumstances. That made me feel relieved that my doctor understood me and my feelings (my doctor is also an immigrant so she knows how difficult the visa process is first hand). She told me she knows how difficult it is...how it feels like your future is in someone else's hands and you're completely powerless..she hit the nail on the head! She asked if I thought seeing a counselor might help and I told her that I had found a support group online (VJ). She thinks VJ is an excellent idea! She also prescribed me an antidepressent/antianxiety medication. Inshallah this will help too.

Thats funny....I handled the year between when we met and when we married just fine too, and bam...once I got married it took both of us about 2 months to adjust after each visit. I am going again in a few weeks and I have to admit I am frightened on how bad it will be when I come home alone...again.

Amy, you mean like the night I called you sobbing incoherently??? Email me more tears! I owe you!

and I am TOO a dork... (hahaha)

I think we have many many dorks here...lol

The way I have coped is that I put everything about the visa, even my husband, out of my mind. I take off somewhere with my kids and forget everything and just enjoy them. Its just my way of pretending I have a normal life again.

Good luck, we are all here for you.

Prayer and vigorous exercise works!!

And get off my lazy behind?

[sarah and hicham 3]

I have been lucky enough to visit Hicham after every quarter of school in the past year: August, December, March, and June. Luckily I was in school so that kept me pretty busy but coming home at night alone is always tough.

We are all brave for going through this knowing how long it could take. Good luck to everyone.

Sarah