K1: Civil ceremony, then a later, bigger ceremony?

[Andy and Kayla 45]

This is more out of curiosity than anything, since we're having trouble coming up with some answers.

We were thinking, for the sake of taking some extra time to save money and plan things without being rushed, that we would go through a small, civil ceremony by ourselves within the 90 days of the K1 Visa to become legally married (sometime in 2011, we're expecting; we haven't filed yet and won't until April or May as we're waiting on a final divorce decree) and then have a bigger, more traditional ceremony with our family and friends in spring/early summer of 2012.

Our questions come during that in-between period after the civil ceremony but before the big ceremony. We would be legally married after the civil ceremony and it certainly isn't going to be a secret, but socially, among family and friends, should we refer to each other as husband/wife or fiance/fiancee until the big ceremony? Do I start using his name after the civil ceremony or do I wait until the bigger ceremony? Which day should be considered our anniversary?

Yes, we realize some of these questions might be a little neurotic but that's kind of how we roll.

We were hoping for some input from everyone (general opinions, what would you do if it was you, how would you feel if it was a friend/family member) and especially interested in hearing from other people who've gone this route.

Thanks guys,

-K

[payxibka 10,045]

You are only legally married once... so the date of the civil ceremony would be the "official" date.... what date you choose to celebrate it is a personal decision.

[Carolina+James 1]

I would suggest a "First Anniversary Party", so that you would not be confused about how to refer to each other, and no confusion about the anniversary day either, of course. Also, you celebrate the first anniversary at the same time... sounds economical to me, and no need to "pretend" you were not married yet. That gives you a whole year to drive people crazy about which color the napkins should be too!

You need a cake though, to eat the icing after the one year! When I heard of that tradition I was like "eeeeww" but it sounds fun and I'll make it!

In my case, I'll do the civil ceremony with a simple celebration, with our close family and friends from US with a lunch party and a wedding cake his mother will make. Once my parents visit me in US, around June or July, we do another celebration for the family meeting (and another wedding cake, wooot!). Both me and James are not "party people" and didn't plan to have a big wedding, so we enjoy this idea very much

[Carolina+James 1]

Sorry for double post, but edit didn't work for me...

...me and James met on WoW too! (Kirin Tor US /flex)

So here goes an expensive suggestion! Get some cake top character figure prints

[Ayselin 0]

My Husband and I did something similar with no issues. We were married in CO which is one of the few places where you can marry yourselves and don't even need to go before a judge. We had a small little dinner party with a few of his family members (my family was unable to come on short notice), took a few pictures and considered ourselves married. We did this back in Sept 2008.

We then had a nice big wedding with all our family in July of 2009. Since we were already legally married it took some of the pressure off and we could have whoever we wanted "marry" us. We did let our families know about us already being married prior to the interview on the off chance they would be called and questioned.

In between those to ceremonies (march 2009) we had our interview. We brought the pictures from the dinner with us signing the papers, as well as, all our other documentation and pictures. We had a lawyer for all this and she recommended we not bring up the fact we were planning on having another wedding, unless they asked. She said she'd had multiple clients who had done a small ceremony and gotten through all the travel restrictions before doing a larger one. She said she'd never had any problems with this unless there were other red flags in their documents, answers or demeanor.

The one thing you need to remember is after you go through the first ceremony you are married in every way shape or form! All the second ceremony does is let you have a nice big party with you family, but it doesn’t make you any more married especially in the eyes of immigration.

At the interview we made sure to refer to each other as husband and wife. Also, I opted to take his last name so when we filed the paperwork we filed using my new name, started the process of switching over my drivers license, SS card and everything else over to my new name. I'm not sure that you have to switch all the stuff before filing, but our lawyer recomended doing it all then so we wouldn't have to file changes of name later.

Edited February 9, 2010 by Ayselin

[Ayselin 0]

It's not letting me edit my post either, but I wanted to add:

As for anniversaries..... well we celibrate both and have both engraved inside our wedding rings. Gives us an excuse to celibrate and go out for dinner twice right? Really I think you can choose to celibrate whichever you'd like or both as the case may be.

[Wei&Shu(Joe) 2]

This is more out of curiosity than anything, since we're having trouble coming up with some answers.

We were thinking, for the sake of taking some extra time to save money and plan things without being rushed, that we would go through a small, civil ceremony by ourselves within the 90 days of the K1 Visa to become legally married (sometime in 2011, we're expecting; we haven't filed yet and won't until April or May as we're waiting on a final divorce decree) and then have a bigger, more traditional ceremony with our family and friends in spring/early summer of 2012.

Our questions come during that in-between period after the civil ceremony but before the big ceremony. We would be legally married after the civil ceremony and it certainly isn't going to be a secret, but socially, among family and friends, should we refer to each other as husband/wife or fiance/fiancee until the big ceremony?

Luckily Emily Post is here to put your mind at ease! I believe in this time it is most correct refer to one another as Flubenstork and Flubenstein. Fluben being the German word for one who has married but not yet drunk to excess before their new in-laws, and the stork and stein, of course, indicators of gender. Anything else would be a huge social faux pas! Don't be surprised if you are excluded from polite company if you use any other terms to address one another in this period of time!

Do I start using his name after the civil ceremony or do I wait until the bigger ceremony? Which day should be considered our anniversary?

You should start using half of his last name after the civil ceremony and add the other half after the larger ceremony. If his family name has an odd number of characters, add the larger number of characters after the big ceremony. If splitting your fiance's family name in half results in a word usually considered an expletive, then one should not leave the house until the large ceremony is completed. You don't want to be announced at the ball until you can be know to the world as Mrs Stanley Shithens!

US Civil code actually requires that persons who have completed dual wedding ceremonies observe an anniversary "fiesta" that begins, annually of course, on the date of the civil ceremony and culminates on the date of the big ceremony with fireworks and the drinking of the traditional Taboshkin, a drink distilled from all vegetable waste materials accumulated during the festival. In between, there are days of compulsory fasting as well as the highly popular "days of the naked dancing" for which a Beetlebob, the traditional American naked dancing stage must be constructed on your front lawn. (See the VJ guides for detailed instructions on the construction of the the Beetlebob) Take care to observe the law carefully, as the fines for deviating from the prescribed functions can be substantial. The fines for skipping the naked dancing days are particularly steep. As we always say here at VJ, it pays to follow the law to the letter. Although I must caution that the local police have indicated that, while my wife is encouraged to participate in the days of naked dancing, I would actually be severely fined for joining her. So I guess local customs may vary.

I hope that is helpful and sets your mind at ease concerning American customs for the dually married. And yes, my wife and I are among the doubly ceremonied. We are looking forward to our upcoming anniversary fiesta and I hope you'll all come help with the building of the Beetlebob!

Yes, we realize some of these questions might be a little neurotic but that's kind of how we roll.

WHAT?! Neurotic?! No way!!! Good questions!!

We were hoping for some input from everyone (general opinions, what would you do if it was you, how would you feel if it was a friend/family member) and especially interested in hearing from other people who've gone this route.

Thanks guys,

-K

[JlovesA 109]

(sometime in 2011, we're expecting; we haven't filed yet and won't until April or May as we're waiting on a final divorce decree) and then have a bigger, more traditional ceremony with our family and friends in spring/early summer of 2012.

Hey, we're waiting on that, too. It makes things even more frustrating, doesn't it? This whole year is going to be chewed up on waiting for paperwork, blah.

For the record, we're going to do a small thing at the courthouse and then plan a big party for a few months later. That's the plan so far, anyway. I think a lot of people do that.

[Andy and Kayla 45]

Thanks for the replies so far, guys. It looks like a lot of it is up to us and is more preference, I suppose. That doesn't help the neurosis very much but the ideas are definitely cool to read.

...me and James met on WoW too! (Kirin Tor US /flex)

So here goes an expensive suggestion! Get some cake top character figure prints

rofl! That wouldn't be a bad idea, though I bet some of our less-nerdy, older family members will probably wonder why there's a blood elf and a big cow on top of the cake.

As for anniversaries..... well we celibrate both and have both engraved inside our wedding rings. Gives us an excuse to celibrate and go out for dinner twice right? Really I think you can choose to celibrate whichever you'd like or both as the case may be.

That's actually pretty cool. Again, I guess it's all preference (I'm not sure if anyone got the impression that we would be pretending not to be married or that we didn't think we would be married with the civil ceremony, but if so I apologize; we were just wondering if it would be weird to call each other husband/wife to our family and friends without a ceremony they've been to, or for me to use his name for the same reason)

Hey, we're waiting on that, too. It makes things even more frustrating, doesn't it? This whole year is going to be chewed up on waiting for paperwork, blah.

For the record, we're going to do a small thing at the courthouse and then plan a big party for a few months later. That's the plan so far, anyway. I think a lot of people do that.

It definitely does make things frustrating, Which State's divorce laws are you waiting on? We initially were waiting for North Carolina, which won't grant the divorce decree until one year and a day after the separation (separation defined as when they began living separately, regardless of the fact that they had decided they wanted a divorce months before his ex was able to move out) and so that sucked, but when his ex-wife moved out she moved to Georgia, where she can file after she's been there for six months and they should have the decree within six weeks of that. Luckily, it was pretty amicable and so they don't have a lot of extra court stuff to go through.

But yes, this will be the year of waiting on different government officials to okay different sets of paperwork.

And that's cool - have you guys talked about how you would treat the relationship between the ceremonies?

Edited to add a big :lol: @ Wei&Shu's reply. That made me giggle.

Edited February 10, 2010 by Andy and Kayla

[TBoneTX 45,288]

Get officially married (civil ceremony) within the 90 days. Order several copies of the marriage certificate; you'll later appreciate having done so. File for AOS/EAD/AP immediately. Begin the process to change her name to yours, etc., if desired. Have a family party later. The wife & I were civilly married (we didn't argue that day) on Hallowe'en, and our big party was on Pearl Harbor Day. And, remember these two axioms: The most dangerous food is Wedding Cake. Bigamy is having one wife too many, and monogamy is the same thing. Si, man.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

It is probably the most coomon route for K-1s to follow. Have a civil ceremony, meet the visa requirements and then take your time to plan a big wedding. Happens all the time.

The visa process is such that it is completely foolish to try to plan anything but a simple civil ceremony until the visa is in YOUR HAND.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I do not advise asking strangers, on the internet (even VJ strangers who are a little less "stranger" than other strangers) what you should refer to your wife as after you are married. You are grown up boys and girls, I think you can handle that yourself.

[littlecrazyangel 1]

After the civil ceremony you will be husband and wife. You can have the name changed as well. The religious ceremony is in front of God. We had our civil ceremony last year in October and we are planning to have the religious ceremony in the spring of 2011. We didn't wanted to be rushed.

[baron555 934]

it certainly isn't going to be a secret, but socially, among family and friends, should we refer to each other as husband/wife or fiance/fiancee until the big ceremony?

Depends on how secretive you need to be. Don't you love your wife/husband? Aren't you proud to be with them? What's the big deal? Do you let the perception of others dicttate how you live your life?

Do I start using his name after the civil ceremony or do I wait until the bigger ceremony?

Up to you.

Which day should be considered our anniversary?

There is only one marriage. The latter ceremony will only be that. The minister will not refile it with the county. You will be already married.

Yes, we realize some of these questions might be a little neurotic but that's kind of how we roll.

We are doing the same thing and we live our own lives....together now.

We were hoping for some input from everyone (general opinions, what would you do if it was you, how would you feel if it was a friend/family member) and especially interested in hearing from other people who've gone this route.

True friends will be very happy for you. Anyone who feels less, then you can fell the same for them.

Thanks guys,

-K

[Andy and Kayla 45]

I do not advise asking strangers, on the internet (even VJ strangers who are a little less "stranger" than other strangers) what you should refer to your wife as after you are married. You are grown up boys and girls, I think you can handle that yourself.

Well, a) I am the female in the situation and b) it was for opinions on what to do in that in between time as we're both more on the traditional side. I don't see any reason for the snarkiness.

I think the last couple comments got the wrong idea - we're not secretive, embarrassed, unsure of whether or not we would be married, unsure of whether or not we're doing the civil ceremony first, followed by a traditional ceremony (we are) and we love each other very much - we were just looking at what others who had gone this route had done in the in-between time as it is less common than a single ceremony. That's all.

Sheesh.