Just For The Men

Marilyn. · January 30, 2007

THE MALE PRIME DIRECTIVES:

*On car trips with the family, never ask for directions when you're lost... Just keep driving aimlessly around, searching for the mysterious Lost Street of The Damned. Navigate by the seat of your pants like the great Lewis and clark explorers of old.

*But it's okay to stop for directions when driving with another guy... Because he won't sit patiently as you pass the same McDonald's for the third time.

*Inch forward at stoplights to keep up with the guys in the cars on both sides... it's all about who's in front.

*Even if you don't know a hubcap from a distributor cap, never admit you're a stranger to the male domain of auto mechanics... If your car won't run, and you're at a loss for words, try, "Could be a cracked ring. Have you checked the compression?"

*A real man doesn't need the instruction sheet to figure out something as simple as programming his new VCR... but to cook something as simple as oatmeal, a guy will follow the recipe with the exactitude of a chemical engineer.

*Don't confess that you know little, and could care less, about a particular sport, especially if it's during the finals...."Yeah, that Bo, he's really something. WOW! Did you see that hook shot?"

*Never admit you don't understand a political issue... Opinions are like whiskers. You're not an adult male without them.

*There's no need to consult a TV Guide when there's a remote control handy... Just divebomb through all 51 channels, evading commercials like flak, in the never-ending search for a suitable landing spot.

*If you spill something on the floor, clean it up with a bath towel... It's unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel around with your feet.

*Never pay one of your buddies a compliment. Instead, say things like "Where'd you get your haircut? The school for the blind?" or "Who is that awesome blonde I saw you with, and what are you going to do for a date once she meets me?"... He'll instinctively get the message that this means you value his friendship.

*If a man cuts you with one of his insults, tell your girlfriend that it hurt your feelings, and you'll come off as more sensitive than Phil Donahue. But never reveal it to the other guy... "Coach, when you said I was a low-life turdbrained doofus for striking out with bases loaded, it made me feel small and sad."

*NEVER reveal anything about your true, actual, authentic, and biological sex-life to another guy... unless the guy is a urologist.

*A man should make as much or more money than his girlfriend or wife. He should be as tall or taller, and at least as smart. Naturally, he should be able to outplay her in many activities, from Ping-Pong to Chess...Having met these requirements, he should be liberated enough to be unconcerned about such things.

*If there are more than two urinals in a restroom and one is being used, proceed to the farthest available urinal. If a line has formed, maintain proper spacing of at least three feet back from the guy using the urinal... Above all, if nothing happens within 30 seconds, don't just stand there like a geek; shake (3 times maximum, any more and the guy next to you will probably ask you for a date), zip up your fly, flush the toilet, and walk away.

*When you're in the men's room alone, you needn't wash your hands when you're finished...but if another guy is in there with you, scrub your hands as if you were preparing for brain surgery.

*If you can't take it, you're not a real man (whatever "it" might be)... Maybe you're scared of roller-coasters, but if your buddies want to go on one, you'd better gird your loins and groan through the zero-Gs or you'll never hear the end of it.

*Ignore or deny physical pain... As comedian Billy Crystal reports, "Mike Tyson once hit Trevor Berbick so hard, Trevor did the dance Ann-Margaret did in "Bye Bye, Birdie." Did he hurt you, Trevor? 'I was, ah, stunned, that's all. Just stunned.'"

*Never openly display a broken heart or discuss it with other guys... That's between you, your six-pack, and your collection of Frank Sinatra records.

*Don't tell another man your deepest hopes or fears... That's like saying, "How do you like my suit of armor? It's only got two weak spots in it: here and here."

*If you want to lose weight, don't even think about giving up Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream... Instead, pull on your running shoes, and pound those calories into submission.

*If your girlfriend is looking on, flip aloofly through that issue of Playboy as if it were a Better Homes and Gardens special issue on Tupperware. In a huddle of your peers, pause regularly to utter appreciative comments like "WOW! Check that out"... and if you're alone, study and quantify each curve like a forensic scientist.

*When shopping with your mate, do not trail her into the women's lingerie department... Stand clear of those racks of silk and lace panties like a mechanic would avoid the Whirling Fanblades of Death...

Robor007 · January 30, 2007

The 'Rules of being a guy' were classic. Here's some funny ones...

ManLaws.com

The only downside is it's done in annoying Flash. Why do people make Flash pages anymore?

Marilyn. · February 2, 2007

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Marilyn. · February 6, 2007

Training Courses Now Available for Men:

=============================

= > 1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

= > 2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

= > 3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral

= > 4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

= > 5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference!

= > 6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away

= > 7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back

= > 8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

= > 9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

= > 10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In

= > 11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

= > 12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

= > 13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

= > 14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill

= > 15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts

= > 16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves

= > 17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

= > 18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means

= > 19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's

= > 20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category

= > 21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

= > 22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh

= > 23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet

= > 24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed

= > 25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!

= > 26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

= > 27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them

= > 28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

= > 29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

Marilyn. · February 15, 2007

Why its great to be a guy...

* Your a$$ is never a factor in a job interview

* Your last name stays put.

* Wedding plans take care of themselves.

* You can be president.

* You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

* You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

* Car mechanics tell you the truth.

* You don't give a rat's a$$ if someone notices your new haircut.

* Same work... more pay.

* Wrinkles add character

* You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

* Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

* Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

* Movie nudity is virtually always female.

* All your orgasms are real.

* You don't have to shave below your neck.

* One mood, all the time.

* Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

Ric Flair · February 15, 2007

Why its great to be a guy...
* Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

Woooooo!

*runs into the ring, bounces off the ropes, and kicks off the shoes*

lak&ajm · February 18, 2007

I have enjoyed reading these and the ones in "Just for the Women" so much. My fiancé has been sending me this kind of stuff lately and I thought I would share. Believe me though I have been sending stuff right back - mostly from "Just for the Women"

Enjoy!

Lori

GIRLS ARE COMPLEX CREATURES

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman

If you don't, you are not a man

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying

If you don't, you are good for nothing

If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp

If you don't, you are not understanding

If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring

If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy

If you don't, you are a dull boy

If you are jealous, she says it's bad

If you aren't, she thinks you do not love her

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her

If you don't, she thinks you do not like her

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait

If she is late, she says that's a girl's way

If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"

If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold

If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage

If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting

If she is stared at by other men, she says that they are just admiring

If you talk, she wants you to listen

If you listen, she wants you to talk

In short:

So simple, yet so complex

So weak, yet so powerful

So confusing, yet so desirable

That's a Woman For You...

--------------------------------------------

March is the month in which Albert Einstein's was born. He was born March 14, 1879.

Few remember that the great scientist married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

Einstein stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

Marilyn. · March 5, 2007

The top six reasons computers must be female:

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as

"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

Marilyn. · March 24, 2007

Spring Classes for Men

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL

OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5

Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?

Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning

at 7:00 PM

Class 6

Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7

Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.

Open Forum.

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8

Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.

Graphics and Audio Tapes.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?

Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11

Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.

Online Classes and role-playing.

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion

Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.

Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14

The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.

Live Demonstration.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Marilyn. · March 28, 2007

Further Men Courses

A two-year degree is being offered at Life University that many of you should be interested in:

Becoming a Real Man.

That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man.

Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

MEN 101 Combating Stupidity

MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework

MEN 103 PMS - Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule:

MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques

MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to getting in at 4am

MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception

EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook

EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II

ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:

MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like an ####### When You're Wrong

MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence

MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex

MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers

SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It

SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower

MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex

MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down - Elective (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:

MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children

MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver

MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise, Especially When Naked

MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:

MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)

MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary

MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions

MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important II

Course Electives:

EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu

EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils

EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly

MEN 231 Mothers-in-law

MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening

MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"

ECON 001B Cheaper to Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001A)

almaty · March 28, 2007

good stuff as always sister marilyn

Marilyn. · April 10, 2007

THE MALE PRIME DIRECTIVES: