Just For The Men

[Marilyn. 340]

Why Men Are Happier Than Women!

1. We keep our last name.

2. The garage is all ours.

3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

4. Chocolate is just another snack.

5. We can be president.

6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.

8. The world is our urinal.

9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

10. Same work, more pay.

11. Wrinkles add character.

12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.

13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.

14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.

16. One mood, ALL the time.

17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

18. We know stuff about tanks.

19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

20. We can open all our own jars.

21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.

23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

24. Everything on our face stays its original color.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

27. We almost never have strap problems in public

28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.

29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.

30. We don't have to shave below our neck.

31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.

32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.

34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

Edited October 22, 2006 by MarilynP

[Marilyn. 340]

The Rules

The female always makes the rules.

The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

No male can possibly know all the rules.

If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all the rules.

The female is never wrong.

If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

The female can change her mind at any given point in time for any reason.

The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.

The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

The female must not, under any circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

Any attempt by the male to document these rules could result in severe bodily harm.

If the female has PMS, all rules are null and void.

********************************************

Why Beer Is Better Than Women

* You can enjoy a beer all month long.

* Beer stains wash out.

* You don't have to wine and dine a beer.

* Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play ball.

* If your beer is flat, you can toss it out.

* Beer is never late.

* A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

* A hangover will go away.

* Beer labels come off without a fight.

* When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

* A beer never has a headache.

* A beer will never nag you.

* A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.

* You can share a beer with friends.

* You always know if you're the first one to pop a beer.

* A beer doesn't demand equality.

* You can have a beer in public.

* A beer doesn't care what time you come home.

* A frigid beer is a good beer.

* You don't have to wash a beer for it to taste good.

* If you decide to change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.

*********************************

DATING TIPS FOR MEN

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...

# I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

# I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

# I used to come here all the time with my ex.

# Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

# I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

# It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

********************************

TIPS FOR HUSBANDS

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?

SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.

SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

SAFER: Could we be overreacting?

SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?

SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.

SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

**************************************

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting Stupidity

2. You Too Can Do Housework

3. Resistance to Beer

4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)

6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")

8. You Don't Really Need That Porsche

9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook

10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong

11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right

12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13. You, The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons To Give Flowers

15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb

16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please

17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat

18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies

19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost

20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency

21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes

22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too

23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous

24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver

26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home

27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary

Edited November 3, 2006 by MarilynP

[Marilyn. 340]

IT'S TOUGH BEING A GUY

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.

If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.

If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.

If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

[Ban Hammer 13,336]

IT'S TOUGH BEING A GUY

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.

If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.

If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.

If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

seen it before but it always makes me laugh

[Marilyn. 340]

THE REAL MAN TEST

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.

B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.

C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.

B. Idealism.

C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.

B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)

C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

A. If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.

B. If you’re performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male’s trachea! I am not in any way aroused!"

C. If you’re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:

1. He is legally within the base path,

2. Both of you are wearing protective cups, and

3. You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

A. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.

B. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.

C. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer’s disease and cancer.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.

B. A dog.

C. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She is attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.

B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.

C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.

B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.

C. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"

B. "They’re in school already?"

C. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.

B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.

C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody-and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife-is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.

B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.

C. He refused to ask for directions.

12. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.

B. Religion.

C. Remote control.

How to Score...

Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "C."

A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.

Give yourself a bonus 5 points for knowing the Alzheimer’s joke.

[Ban Hammer 13,336]

How to Score...

Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "C."

A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.

Give yourself a bonus 5 points for knowing the Alzheimer’s joke.

aced it

[Marilyn. 340]

TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:

10. A dog's parents will never visit you.

9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.

8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.

7. A dog never expects you to telephone.

6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.

5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.

4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog

3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.

2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.

1. A dog does not shop.

[Ban Hammer 13,336]

TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:

10. A dog's parents will never visit you.

9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.

8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.

7. A dog never expects you to telephone.

6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.

5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.

4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog

3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.

2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.

1. A dog does not shop.

lol. here's a list i made when i had a dog

10. she does not care what time i come home, just that i came home.

9. she does not need a car to drive, jewelry, or expensive clothes

8. she does not mind when i pet other dogs

7. she does not get upset when i drink a beer, or burp, or fart..

6. she does not care if i leave the toilet lid up or put the tp on the other way

5. she does not need to go shopping

4. she does not care if i buy myself something and not her

3. she does not go through pms or ask me if i think she is fat

2. she does not mind being called b_tch

1. she is a perfect 10 - has 10 nipples!

[anya-D 8]

Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say....

3 : Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!

That one is priceless!!! Thanks for the chuckles!!!

If ONLY that weren't true!!!

I did say that though.. I dont like too big jewery.. it's too sheesy IMO

[Marilyn. 340]

MEN VS WOMEN QUICKIES

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer the sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?

A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:

I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a wedding cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus:

Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me,"What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust."

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said to her,"I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looked at him and said. "God, I wish I had your will power."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa

a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

[Marilyn. 340]

TEN WORST GIFTS TO BUY A WOMAN

1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a infomercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."

4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend.

6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.

8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

[rin and john 71]

here's one for the guys :

The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX, where

woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is

a description of how the store operates.

"You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the

attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. You may choose any man from a particular

floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back

down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . . .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good

looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking

and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly

stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help

with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the

sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men

on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are

impossible to please. Thank you for shopping

OK, to be fair, there is a Wife store just across the street. Similar rules apply. The same basic intructions:

"You may visit the store once! No need to be emphatic, we really don't like shopping that much.

There are six floors and the attributes of the women increase each floor and you can never go downstairs.

So, a man goes to the Wife Store to find his future wife . . .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These ladies are beautiful...

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These ladies are beautiful and love sex.

No man as ever seen floors 3 through 6!

[Marilyn. 340]

Santa is certainly a Man!

Santa Claus is undoubtedly a man because:

* Santa doesn't deliver his presents on The Friday after Thanksgiving when the malls are open for 20 hours. Christmas Eve deliveries prove Mr. Claus to be a man.

* Santa's reindeer is so drunk that his nose glows as his navigator. A woman would never let out those cute deer to work on Christmas Eve that too in cold and perhaps would dress them in sweaters and booties.

* Only a male Santa can ignore 'fashion' and wear the same suit for 500 years.

* Santa has never been known to answer a letter.

* Women aren't interested in stockings unless someone better looking than them is wearing them.

* As many presents as Santa delivers he has no trouble with babes.

* Only men have the ability to stay up for 24 hours straight in the cold with a bunch of mangy deer and going up and down soot-infested chimneys.

* A woman would never even think of going down a chimney and risk staining that red velvet.

* Commitment requires that Christmas be on the same day each year. A female Santa would delay Christmas until she can touch-up her makeup and do her hair after leaving each house.

[Marilyn. 340]

10 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[almaty 19]

good stuff and lol...thanks sister