Just For The Men

[Marilyn. 340]

If men got pregnant...

1. Morning sickness would rank as the nations number one health problem

2. Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.

3. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

4. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

5. All methods of birth control would become 100% effective.

6. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

7. There would be a cure for stretch marks.

8. They would serve beer instead of coffee at prenatal classes.

9. Men wouldn't think twins were so cute.

10. Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm.

Edited February 20, 2006 by MarilynP

[almaty 19]

If men got pregnant...

1. Morning sickness would rank as the nations number one health problem

2. Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.

3. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

4. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

5. All methods of birth control would become 100% effective.

6. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

7. There would be a cure for stretch marks.

8. They would serve beer instead of coffee at prenatal classes.

9. Men wouldn't think twins were so cute.

10. Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm.

soooooooooooo true

[lostinlove228 0]

If men got pregnant...

1. Morning sickness would rank as the nations number one health problem

2. Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.

3. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

4. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

5. All methods of birth control would become 100% effective.

6. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

7. There would be a cure for stretch marks.

8. They would serve beer instead of coffee at prenatal classes.

9. Men wouldn't think twins were so cute.

10. Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm.

soooooooooooo true

Invasion of the forum..yeah...Men just list to your women. They Know best.

[Peter Miami 0]

[Marilyn. 340]

Some More Good Advice For The Men....

Hormones and PMS

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other or cherished paramour.

1.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

2.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?

SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.

SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

3.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

SAFER: Could we be overreacting?

SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

4.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

5.

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?

SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.

SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

Keep these in mind, fellas...

[almaty 19]

Some More Good Advice For The Men....

Hormones and PMS

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other or cherished paramour.

1.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

2.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?

SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.

SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

3.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

SAFER: Could we be overreacting?

SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

4.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

5.

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?

SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.

SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

Keep these in mind, fellas...

soooooooooooooooooooo true....

[Dixie_Peach 1]

A True Playa!!!

One evening, Mike went over to his friend Kent's house to play

cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Kent's wife.

Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he

looked across the table he saw that Kent's wife had her legs open and no

undies on. He sat up and was flushed, so he went into the

kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Kent's wife had

followed him into the kitchen and said, "Did you like what you saw?"

Mike nodded that he

did. She continued, "Well you can get more than that but it

will cost you $500." So Mike thought about this financial situation

(which wasn't good) but agreed.

She told him to come back tomorrow afternoon at 2:30 because

Kent will be at work. Mike said, "I'll see you then." The next day,

Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later, Kent

came home and asked, "Has Mike been ov er here today?" Thinking she had

been caught, she answered "As a matter of fact, he did." Kent said,

"Good, because that dog-gone fool came by my job this morning and asked

to borrow $500

till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."

NOW THAT'S A TRUE PLAYA!!!

[almaty 19]

that was great,,,

[Marilyn. 340]

The Rules of Being A Guy.....

1. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse

c. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game

e. When your Date is using her teeth

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move a. Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident.

6. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move: You'd rather stay home and watch Speed Buggy reruns

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale

9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)

11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

12. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies' girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals' significant ####-heads--- low level sports bonding is all the law requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard because it's twice as true).

13. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one swoosh.

14. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

15. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

16. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

17. Only in situations of Moral and/or Azz peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

18. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

19. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

20. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.

21. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

22. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

23. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

27. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

d. Nice Azz, Are you a Sagittarius?

28. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

29. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.

30. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of getting laid either.

31. You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

32. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

33. Always split aces and eights. No arguments.

Edited February 21, 2006 by MarilynP

[Marilyn. 340]

More Advice From Women To Men....

1. The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

3. If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's their butts.

4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

5. Please don't drive when you're not driving.

6. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.

8. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?

10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.

11. When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

12. We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance -- in fact -- please do !!!

13. When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather than "yours" -- the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.

14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs a negative grunt.

15. Don't insist that we "get off the damn phone" and then not talk to us.

16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.

18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?

19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling; however, very few praises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.

[almaty 19]

More Advice From Women To Men....

1. The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

3. If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's their butts.

4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

5. Please don't drive when you're not driving.

6. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.

8. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?

10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.

11. When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

12. We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance -- in fact -- please do !!!

13. When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather than "yours" -- the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.

14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs a negative grunt.

15. Don't insist that we "get off the damn phone" and then not talk to us.

16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.

18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?

19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling; however, very few praises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.

good info

[Miranda&James 8]

[Marilyn. 340]

Great Reasons To Be A Guy...

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.

You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Gas (at either end) is cool.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

Bathroom lines are 80% shorter

Old friends don't give you grief if you've lost or gained weight

When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying

The garage is all yours

The remote is yours and yours alone

You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"

You never have to clean the toilet

You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes

None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry

Chocolate is just another snack

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat

Three words: Flowers fix everything!

You can say anything and not worry about what people think

You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut

Gray hair and wrinkles add character

You don't care if someone is talking behind your back

You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's

If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected

If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet

You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking, "He must be mad at me"

One mood, all the time.

Edited February 22, 2006 by MarilynP

[almaty 19]

Great Reasons To Be A Guy...

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.

You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Gas (at either end) is cool.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

Bathroom lines are 80% shorter

Old friends don't give you grief if you've lost or gained weight

When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying

The garage is all yours

The remote is yours and yours alone

You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"

You never have to clean the toilet

You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes

None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry

Chocolate is just another snack

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat

Three words: Flowers fix everything!

You can say anything and not worry about what people think

You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut

Gray hair and wrinkles add character

You don't care if someone is talking behind your back

You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's

If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected

If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet

You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking, "He must be mad at me"

One mood, all the time.

marilyn..............so true...........................

[aussiewench 9]

This did at one time have its own thread but thought Marylins thread for the men was a fitting place for it

This is based on a lot of reaserch. You'll want to know this.

There are 28 days in a womans menstrual cycle. This cycle is what really determines how things go between you and her. For example, on Day 24 you should learn to duck. I talked to sex experts and discovered how the hormonal fluxes in a woman's body affect her moods-and your life-throughout the month. Now I have a handy schedule for you to consult when you want to know which days you're going to have sex, which days your going to get yelled at, and which days your going to get yelled at durring sex.

DAY 1 TO 5: She's ready to iron and fold

What's happening to her: She may complain of cramps a few days before this, but this is where the cycle really starts. Her estrogen levels are dropping, so there's only a 2% chance she'll get pregnate if you have sex. That would be great news, except you won't be having sex right now. Thanks to those low estrogen levels, she currently sees you as a large lump of cells in a stupid shirt.

Your strategy: Lack of estrogen can also trigger insomnia and restlessness, which is why many women feel the urge to clean and organize durring these days, says Christine Northrup, M.D., author of Women's Bodies, Women's Widsdom (I read it so you wouldn't have to). My suggestion: Forget about sex and point her to the clothes.

DAYS 6 TO 9: She's up for anything

What's happening to her: She's calmer and happier now because her body is saturated in feel-good hormones and endorphins. "That means she's more receptive to new and creative ideas," says Northrup.

Your strategy: Break out the new and creative ideas! This is the time to settle old disputes and get buy-in on your golf trip with the guys.

DAYS 10 TO 14: She's horney.

What's happening to her: A rise in the hormone androgen has rekindled her interest in sex. This causes the thin lining of mucus around her cervix-deep inside er at the entrance to the uterus-to become thin and watery.

Your strategy: Your woman's so ready, you may not need more than a few minutes of foreplay. "Set the mood in a few seconds by telling her how much you want to have sex with her," says Tara Roth Madden, author of Romance on the Run--Quality Sex for Bust Couples. Your pants should be off before you finish the sentence.

DAY 15: She's really horney

What's happening to her: On the positive side, she CRAVES sex because she's at her most fertile. On the negative side, the sex doesn't necessarily have to be with you. Research shows she's mroe likely to be unfaithful during this time. In one study, researchers observed 500 women in nightclubs and found that they were more likely to wear revealing clothes and send suggestive signals to men in this pahse of their cycle. Naturally, the researchers still went home alone.

Your strategy: Don't let her out of the house by herself. Instead, take advantage of her adventerous mood by trying a new position or location.

DAYS 16 TO 23: She's a lesbian

What's happening to her: Her estrogen level is dropping again, so she's less fertile. Research shows that during these 8 days, she's mroe attracted to feminine-looking men because they appear more nurturing (as I call it, the Justin Timberlake factor). She's no longer looking for a strong man to provide sturdy genes and protection.

Your strategy: Shave and put on some Melissa Etheridge.

DAYS 24 TO 28 She could crack at any moment

What's happening to her: Estrogen continues to fall aas tantrum-provoking progesterone rises. This leads to premenstrual syndrome, during which she'll be extra sensitive to criticism, more neurotic about ehr looks, and more likely to thrrow a fit, or a Crock-Pot.

Your strategy: Play tennis or go run with her-vigorous exercise can reduce her symptoms. That way, if she "feels fat", at least she's doing something about it.

DAYS 26 TO 28: She's craving ice cream and jelly beans

What's happening to her: Her estrogen and progerterone levels are falling as her body prepares to start the cycle all voer again. Low estrogen causes her to crave high-fat foods such as chocolate, which studies show can elevate mood.

Your strategy: Indulge her cravings by taking her out to eat rather than bringing home some Ben & Jerry's. Reason? She'll eat the whole tub and blame you for letting herr do it.

It still gives me a chuckle