need help

[confused2009 0]

I am so worried. I have been married for 3 years to wonderful man. He is having hard time finding good job. He is planning to attend college in august. He is working but hates his job and people he works with i understand all that. He wants to go to morocco for 2 months. We can not afford that at all. We have high utilitie bills and owe IRS 430.00. He wants to use credit card to go for 2 months. I do not believe inseperate vacations or taking vacation while i have to work. I need advice on how to get through to him. I feel this will end our marriage. I love to go to morocco i suggested we go in a few months he can go for 3 weeks and me for 2. They are my family too he does not see that i am part of him family. Please help me i am afraid if he does this i will not be able to accept it and itwill end a good marriage.

confused

[Nagishkaw 510]

Topic moved from Off Topic to Middle East and North Africa.

[~Jackie~ 30]

What do you feel will 'end your marriage?' Him going alone? Him not going at all?

Jackie

[confused2009 0]

What do you feel will 'end your marriage?' Him going alone? Him not going at all?

Jackie

him going without me for 2 months. Leaving the full financial burden on me. I have hard times at work i can not just run off for 2 months. He thinks they will hirer him back. His 2 months off they will not pay him if they give him the time. I feel vacations are womething married people plan together. I work more hours i need vacation. The thing is we were planning on going to california together in april. So i was looking forward to a vacation. nd bring his mom here for 2 months this summer. SO now he wants to go and i get no vacation and his mom gets no vacation. She needs eye surgery thought she could get it here. Also get to see a good doctor here she is so skinny.

confused

[KittyPollitt 284]

him going without me for 2 months. Leaving the full financial burden on me. I have hard times at work i can not just run off for 2 months. He thinks they will hirer him back. His 2 months off they will not pay him if they give him the time. I feel vacations are womething married people plan together. I work more hours i need vacation. The thing is we were planning on going to california together in april. So i was looking forward to a vacation. nd bring his mom here for 2 months this summer. SO now he wants to go and i get no vacation and his mom gets no vacation. She needs eye surgery thought she could get it here. Also get to see a good doctor here she is so skinny.

confused

What reason does he give for wanting to go to Morocco for 2 months? Sounds to me like the going is getting tough, and he just wants to run away for a while to avoid his problems! That's not how things operate here, and you need to explain that to him.. I mean, if you're married, and you're bearing the financial responsibility, you have a RIGHT to tell him no. It's YOUR future earnings he would be putting on that credit card. Report the card lost and have a new one sent to you, if you have to.. You have to think about yourself in situations like this.. Sure, he'll be pissed at you for doing it, but you'd be far more pissed at yourself later on if you allow him to do this to you..

[confused2009 0]

What reason does he give for wanting to go to Morocco for 2 months? Sounds to me like the going is getting tough, and he just wants to run away for a while to avoid his problems! That's not how things operate here, and you need to explain that to him.. I mean, if you're married, and you're bearing the financial responsibility, you have a RIGHT to tell him no. It's YOUR future earnings he would be putting on that credit card. Report the card lost and have a new one sent to you, if you have to.. You have to think about yourself in situations like this.. Sure, he'll be pissed at you for doing it, but you'd be far more pissed at yourself later on if you allow him to do this to you..

thanks i feel like i am going crazy. first we can not afford it. second not fair for me to struggle buying food cause he will not get paid and possible loose his job. we need that job to live.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

When I first entered the workforce I had to work crappy jobs. Unless you have a desirable college degree, you have to "work your way up". I have a great job now but if I were to move to JO tommorrow, I woudlnt be able to find my dream job right away. I dont understand the unrealistic ideas that some people have when entering the workforce for the first time. It sucks at first... everyone does it. The difference is most of us did it in our late teens and maybe early twenties. Immigrants sometimes have to "start over" here midlife, which sucks but it goes with the territory. Its part of the deal in immigrating to a new country... ok thats my late night thoughts on that, sorry.

Now about your husband's want to go home for months while you work, anyone can see that is not fair or right. With the risk of sounding sexist, it would be different if he was the wife and asking you to carry the burden of all the bills while he went on vacation. I agree with the other poster that said it sounds like he just wants to "run away". Its immature and selfish. Hopefully you can convey this to him in a delicate way. This shouldnt end your marriage, hopefully you guys can communicate and solve it. Is he one to share his feelings? Perhaps he is just freaking out and his knee jerk reaction is "im going home". I moved accross country and left my family when I was 19 and when things got hard, my first thought was always....Im going back home!! I managed to work through that with the help of some friends and family here. My rambling point is; I know that feeling and it can be worked through.

If he insists on leaving you with the household while he goes home for months, then perhaps its time for you to step back and rethink alot of things.

[morocco4ever 63]

Him going without you does not mean the end of your marriage. If that would lead to a divorce it was already heading in that direction. My husband went in August by himself. There is no way I could have gone because my company had 5 mandatory shutdowns last year, so going would have meant I would have had to take it unpaid. He had been here for almost 3 years, and to me it would have been selfish of me to refuse him to go just because I was so insecure in our relationship that I didn't want him to go without me. Actually I viewed it as an opportunity to enjoy some girl time. He came back, no divorce, still in love.

On the other hand you have some very valid concerns about the financial situation. If he insists on going, well I am the kind that would say to go ahead and go, but the fact that he doesn't care enough about me that he would leave that kind of financial burden on my head speaks volumes of his immaturity, and lack of commitment. I know that sounds harsh, but that is what I see as an outsider. I have never been known to hold back what I am feeling when it comes to these things when discussing it with my husband. Have you been 100% honest with him about both your fear of the financial problem as well as your insecurity in your relationship?

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Him going without you does not mean the end of your marriage. If that would lead to a divorce it was already heading in that direction. My husband went in August by himself. There is no way I could have gone because my company had 5 mandatory shutdowns last year, so going would have meant I would have had to take it unpaid. He had been here for almost 3 years, and to me it would have been selfish of me to refuse him to go just because I was so insecure in our relationship that I didn't want him to go without me. Actually I viewed it as an opportunity to enjoy some girl time. He came back, no divorce, still in love.

On the other hand you have some very valid concerns about the financial situation. If he insists on going, well I am the kind that would say to go ahead and go, but the fact that he doesn't care enough about me that he would leave that kind of financial burden on my head speaks volumes of his immaturity, and lack of commitment. I know that sounds harsh, but that is what I see as an outsider. I have never been known to hold back what I am feeling when it comes to these things when discussing it with my husband. Have you been 100% honest with him about both your fear of the financial problem as well as your insecurity in your relationship?

I agree that its totally different if you're ok with seperate vacations and you are willing to stay back while one goes. People do that all the time. The problem lies with as M4E said.. the non caring and immaturity of just hitting the road when its not going to work out for the other partner.

[Donna A 4]

my husband goes back to syria all the time without me. its only for a few weeks as he never had alot of vacation time so he needed to get back here.

there are alot of men that do go home for a month at a time. its a long trip so they save up all their vacation for that.

i think your over reacting. how on earth did you manage without his paychecks?

[chaishai 1]

my husband goes back to syria all the time without me. its only for a few weeks as he never had alot of vacation time so he needed to get back here.

there are alot of men that do go home for a month at a time. its a long trip so they save up all their vacation for that.

i think your over reacting. how on earth did you manage without his paychecks?

It sounds like overreacting to me as well, or control issues. How can you afford for both of you to go in a few months but he cant just go now? If he wants to do it on credit, have him do it on his credit alone and let him do it but I dont see it as marriage ending.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I am so worried. I have been married for 3 years to wonderful man. He is having hard time finding good job. He is planning to attend college in august. He is working but hates his job and people he works with i understand all that. He wants to go to morocco for 2 months. We can not afford that at all. We have high utilitie bills and owe IRS 430.00. He wants to use credit card to go for 2 months. I do not believe inseperate vacations or taking vacation while i have to work. I need advice on how to get through to him. I feel this will end our marriage. I love to go to morocco i suggested we go in a few months he can go for 3 weeks and me for 2. They are my family too he does not see that i am part of him family. Please help me i am afraid if he does this i will not be able to accept it and itwill end a good marriage.

confused

The simple matter is this -

- you do not believe in separate vacations. This doesn't make you insecure, I too don't believe in my husband disappearing for 2 months, and my husband would "let" me go home if I needed (like an emergency) but for a vacation?... He would be a bit hurt and he would also wonder if he'd done something wrong or if I was upset with him or something

- if you are in a bad financial position at the moment, and he knows it, then leaving and putting it on credit is NOT okay. If his family paid for the trip would you be okay with it? I'm not saying they should, but wondering if the main part of the issue is money or his lack of wanting you to come

- I think you feel like he's being selfish and putting your JOINT holiday in jeopardy, and putting his mothers visit in jeopardy. i think that's making you a little upset that he isn't thinking about you. He's thinking about himself.

I am not surprised about the hating job thing. I suffered for 7 months in a very very bad job. I didn't just hate it and the people. I was being bullied and at one stage poisoned by staff (something I was highly allergic to was spread all over my jacket and work chair and stuff) but I stuck it out BECAUSE I NEEDED THE MONEY and because I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I do know the anxiety though. I lived at home with my parents though and I have to admit that helped. I'm sure hating his job adds a lot of additional stress on top of the leaving his home country stress.

I don't think you should accept it. I honestly suggest speaking to someone, perhaps a counsellor or something who can help him out. He could really want to go home and "escape" but he needs to know that he can't do that anymore. He's part of a family and he doesn't think for 1 person, he thinks for 2. Perhaps you speaking to someone together will help you talk about any issues you currently have and preventing any in the future.

Also consider getting a financial advisor perhaps to help you out financially. I can't help but feel like you think he's trying to rack up a whole bunch of debt in your name and then leave you. I think your calling you marriage a "good" marriage shows there's something else going on that you're not entirely sure about.

Marriages have disagreements but usually there's a way to compromise. I don't see how your compromise isn't good enough for him. I think, like someone else said, he's stressing out very hard right now and is looking for an escape.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you can work it out. Good luck!

Edited February 11, 2010 by Vanessa&Tony

[Y's_habibitk 2]

The simple matter is this -

- you do not believe in separate vacations. This doesn't make you insecure, I too don't believe in my husband disappearing for 2 months, and my husband would "let" me go home if I needed (like an emergency) but for a vacation?... He would be a bit hurt and he would also wonder if he'd done something wrong or if I was upset with him or something

- if you are in a bad financial position at the moment, and he knows it, then leaving and putting it on credit is NOT okay. If his family paid for the trip would you be okay with it? I'm not saying they should, but wondering if the main part of the issue is money or his lack of wanting you to come

- I think you feel like he's being selfish and putting your JOINT holiday in jeopardy, and putting his mothers visit in jeopardy. i think that's making you a little upset that he isn't thinking about you. He's thinking about himself.

I am not surprised about the hating job thing. I suffered for 7 months in a very very bad job. I didn't just hate it and the people. I was being bullied and at one stage poisoned by staff (something I was highly allergic to was spread all over my jacket and work chair and stuff) but I stuck it out BECAUSE I NEEDED THE MONEY and because I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I do know the anxiety though. I lived at home with my parents though and I have to admit that helped. I'm sure hating his job adds a lot of additional stress on top of the leaving his home country stress.

I don't think you should accept it. I honestly suggest speaking to someone, perhaps a counsellor or something who can help him out. He could really want to go home and "escape" but he needs to know that he can't do that anymore. He's part of a family and he doesn't think for 1 person, he thinks for 2. Perhaps you speaking to someone together will help you talk about any issues you currently have and preventing any in the future.

Also consider getting a financial advisor perhaps to help you out financially. I can't help but feel like you think he's trying to rack up a whole bunch of debt in your name and then leave you. I think your calling you marriage a "good" marriage shows there's something else going on that you're not entirely sure about.

Marriages have disagreements but usually there's a way to compromise. I don't see how your compromise isn't good enough for him. I think, like someone else said, he's stressing out very hard right now and is looking for an escape.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you can work it out. Good luck!

all very well said Vanessa, and good suggestions.

My husband says I should go visit my brother back home and he would take care of J, just to get away. But thats for a long weekend in cali not 2-3 months accross an ocean. If I said I was going home for 2 months, he would freak out and wonder why I was running away for so long. I dont think its insecurity or anything like that... its just part of our beliefs in a partnership. We both agreed that he would not go home for extended periods without his family(us). If that is an expectation for one party but not the other, that can create a big problem.

Different people feel differently about this subject, it doesnt make one side right or wrong or insecure or whatever. I think the key is that your SO should respect your feelings about it. But I too feel like its mostly the monetary issue here rather than him going alone.

As far as an outside party to talk to... does your husband attend the local mosque? maybe he can talk to someone there he respects about it. Any self respecting man wouldnt say its ok to leave a wife to pay all the bills and struggle. Struggle being the key word... for those who are in a position to live off of one paycheck for three months, thats a different scenario of course. Im not saying there is anything wrong with husbands who do it as long as they arent leaving their wife in the lurch.

I know its easier and makes more sense to go for extending time when travelling so far, but not at the expense of your family. Thats how I feel about it anyway.

[Donna A 4]

in my opinion this isnt a vacation. its him going home to see his family. the same as if i would drive 7 miles to my parents house for a visit only he has to go half way around the world.

when my husband goes...its hardly a vacation.