Damaging Jealousy and Long Distance

[Rose-Romagnoli 0]

I am desperate for advice on dealing with unfounded jealousy on an OCD level. My husband got his interview approval on January 12th and I have driven him over the edge with my outbursts.

Basically last April while visiting him in Italy I saw on his computer he had visited a porn site. I was very hurt, and on top of it he lied about it for 2 days until finally telling the truth. Ever since then I have not been able to let it go although I KNOW HE IS A GOOD PERSON AND IS FAITHFUL TO ME I would still bash him about this. I finally realized that I have been using the event to outlet my insecurities in an OCD pattern. I was very stubborn and had to "win" and it became a subliminal mission for me to control every aspect of his life down to his email and Facebook accounts. It became an obscession to control him even though I have always trusted him in my heart!

Now I have pushed him to the point where he said he wants a divorce but has rolled back to "making a decision" for the last day and a half. We have talked EVERY day for 2 years and 3 months and NEVER ended an arguement without saying that we love each other. When he told me that instead of coming to visit in March, he was going to stay until the end of May to write his thesis and graduate. I blew up on him and in a selfish and childish rage I screamed, broke glass, and kicked a hole in the wall. This is when he said he wanted a divorce andI turned it off like a damn switch. Today I made appointments with a psychiatrist that specializes in OCD, a marriage counselor, and anger management.

I have completely surrendered and realized that I have a problem. My husband had told me to seek therapy for it before and after a feeble attempt I did nothing more. I thought I could change myself, but I was as usual proud, hard, and rigid with a self-confident exterior. Im a Marine. I have taken leaps and bounds in the last 2 days and even connected with my mother, who I was always distant with. I completely let go with her too, and shed my shame to show emotion and really admit I need help. After all we have been through, I hope my husband can recognize I am seeking a solution and not giving him lip service? Has anyone else been through this?

My son calls him papà and my husband comes from a very bad childhood and his trusted family consists of his older sister that grew up with him in an orphanage. I have had regular contact with her and she convinced him to call me today, and though I was able to tell him of my admission (surrender, and misdrection of emotions), he remained hard and undecided. I tried to tell him that I do and always have trusted him, but I obscess a thought and it quickly turns into words that I do not mean at all.

He said we got married too soon, and while that may be the truth, we have a lot invested in each other. We are finally on the home stretch and I went and drove him past his limit just because he wants time to write his thesis. I have already lost 6 pounds and I am trying to show him I can be sane. However, I am terrified.

[trillium13 84]

Today I made appointments with a psychiatrist that specializes in OCD, a marriage counselor, and anger management.

I'm not really sure what kind of advice you'd be looking for on this board-but the quoted statement above sounds like exactly what you need. The way you've described yourself, can you possibly blame him for not wanting to be a part of that any longer?

[FortLaudy 10]

I'm not really sure what kind of advice you'd be looking for on this board-but the quoted statement above sounds like exactly what you need. The way you've described yourself, can you possibly blame him for not wanting to be a part of that any longer?

ditto, to be honest on this part of this website you're just going to be made fun of and not receive the proper help you need.

[sachinky 465]

I hope you get the help you need and can fix your relationship with your husband. May be he just needs his time and space?

[Christi and Ian 24]

He didn't lose trust in you overnight...he won't be able to strengthen is trust in you overnight either. Give it some time, follow-through with the help your seeking and hopefully he will come around.

It's good you're going to see a psychiatrist - as a medical doctor he may find that you have a chemical imbalance or some other medical condition that you will be able to get under control with medication.

Good luck - my prayers are with you.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

He didn't lose trust in you overnight...he won't be able to strengthen is trust in you overnight either. Give it some time, follow-through with the help your seeking and hopefully he will come around.

It's good you're going to see a psychiatrist - as a medical doctor he may find that you have a chemical imbalance or some other medical condition that you will be able to get under control with medication.

Good luck - my prayers are with you.

Same here.

[spookyturtle 9,466]

You need professional help to deal with your problems.

[Carlawarla 1]

How tragic your situation. I'm sorry your marriage is in this state right now, but getting the help you need is not only important for YOU, but for the future of your marriage. Not to mention you have a child who is witness to your outbursts and violence. Please continue to seek the help you need. At some point, your therapist will want to engage your husband in your sessions, at that time to talk more about your marriage, and your relationship issues. I'm sure right now you're frantic, and your husband perhaps is having second thoughts about the relationship, and quite frankly, I find it very scary. It would be like living with someone and walking around on eggshells, hoping to appease you, and not have any outbursts. That is not a way any marriage should be lived.

The best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself. Quit trying to convince anyone about your sanity. This isn't about sanity, this is about taking control of your thoughts and behaviour. About responsibility to yourself and your child first.

The very best of luck in healing.

[DedicatedWife 4]

Hoping that you get the help you need. Take some time and handle and deal with your anger and issues so you can be the best you can be! All the best to you!

[TheCockyLockies 2]

ditto, to be honest on this part of this website you're just going to be made fun of and not receive the proper help you need.

Same person giving the advice? Didn't you start a thread that contradicts what you just said.

[Nagishkaw 510]

Topic has been moved from Off Topic to Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits.

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.ph...mp;s=&f=127

Edited February 9, 2010 by Nagishkaw

[Rose-Romagnoli 0]

Thanks to everyone for the frank advice. I had my first counseling today, I was able to walk in this morning. For once I am being completely honest with myself and realize that it is not only an issue with my husband, but I have been trying to control everything and everyone around me. I worry about the future, work (Marines are famous for changing jobs every 3 years), money, future, having babies, etc. I have realized that I cannot control any of this, I can only work toward goals, and the outcome will happen! I have been killing myself with ths perfectionism and need to "know what will happen".

I have realized I need to let go of all of this in order to be happy as a person. And I am. My next counseling is Friday.

[Ellie-and-David 38]

Thanks to everyone for the frank advice. I had my first counseling today, I was able to walk in this morning. For once I am being completely honest with myself and realize that it is not only an issue with my husband, but I have been trying to control everything and everyone around me. I worry about the future, work (Marines are famous for changing jobs every 3 years), money, future, having babies, etc. I have realized that I cannot control any of this, I can only work toward goals, and the outcome will happen! I have been killing myself with ths perfectionism and need to "know what will happen".

I have realized I need to let go of all of this in order to be happy as a person. And I am. My next counseling is Friday.

Sounds like you are making some positive steps in the right direction. Good luck with the therapy.

[Mark and Carol 4]

Thanks to everyone for the frank advice. I had my first counseling today, I was able to walk in this morning. For once I am being completely honest with myself and realize that it is not only an issue with my husband, but I have been trying to control everything and everyone around me. I worry about the future, work (Marines are famous for changing jobs every 3 years), money, future, having babies, etc. I have realized that I cannot control any of this, I can only work toward goals, and the outcome will happen! I have been killing myself with ths perfectionism and need to "know what will happen".

I have realized I need to let go of all of this in order to be happy as a person. And I am. My next counseling is Friday.

You have made the first step of acknowledging that you have a problem and the second step to seek professional advice. Good for you!! For now, I think it is best for you to give your husband time to think. I would not call him for a couple of days and when you decide to call, do not pressure him for a decision. He will know when the time is right to inform you of his decision. You can keep him up to date on your progress and your positive outlook on life.

Best of luck!!!

[Jasman0717 9]

Basically last April while visiting him in Italy I saw on his computer he had visited a porn site.

Wow Maybe that isn't what Al Gore invented the Internet for