Short Marriage

[Fandango 1,439]

Be careful about breaking privacy laws by not telling her that you are recording everything. If you are planning on doing this, make sure you announce on tape that you are recording your conversations, stating your name and hers, and anyone else who may be present with the date and time. If she picks a fight, leave without conversation, just say 'I don't want to argue, I don't want you to feel unsafe as you claim you do, so I am leaving.' Pick up your keys and walk out.

Disagree. Privacy laws vary by state depending on a 'reasonable expectation of privacy'. Also, some states allow recorded conversations providing one party is aware of the recording. Furthermore, if this woman is a scammer, what would the point be to tell her she's being recorded? If she's a scammer, she's obviously savvy enough to not do anything to 'screw up' her case. 'yes, my name is xyz and even though it's not true, I'm going to play the abused spouse so I can VAWA and leave you.' Come on now.

ETA: mox beat me to it.

Edited February 7, 2010 by Happy Bunny

[Fandango 1,439]

I was just making a cup of coffee and thinking about this, and I don't necc think privacy laws would preclude the admissibility of a recorded conversation, although I do think spousal privilege would play a factor. But if we presume the worst, and she's going to claim battered spouse, if I were the OP, I'd do it anyways at least for some sort of tangible proof that she's a liar. It might not be admissible in a divorce case, but perhaps fwding a copy to USCIS wouldn't fall into the same stringent guidelines. At the very least, it'd be peace of mind for the OP if she starts making accusations to his friends and loved ones.

[SunDrop 59]

Also not true. There are many different types of shelters in the US, and some will take a woman in even if she just needs time to "collect her thoughts." I have a hard time believing this isn't the case in Britain also.

And if this is just a case of severe homesickness or confusion, leaving her to stay at a friends or a hotel is just going add a feeling of abandonment to her mix of emotions. This is a time the couple needs to be communicating, not avoiding.

It isn't the case in Britain. Shelters here work entirely on the premise that a woman and her children are in danger. They don't even take male children over a certain age, most it's 11. And part of the reason for this is where a woman is at genuine risk, she is as invested as every other woman there to keep it's location to herself. Another reason is the appalling lack of 'spaces' for women

If she is homesick or confused, and he offers to leave, put her up in a hotel or whatever else might be an option, she's not likely to want this. Making the offer is a way of finding out if she really means she feels unsafe or more that she feels vulnerable and isolated. It's a gesture, that if made on tape, that will contribute to evidence that he's not threateningn her and the her allegations, if indeed this is what's happening, are unfounded.

[Fandango 1,439]

But we're not in Britain.

[English Muffin 59]

It isn't the case in Britain. Shelters here work entirely on the premise that a woman and her children are in danger.

Every single shelter in Britain? Without exception? Or are you just generalising?

And like Happy Bunny says, what do British shelters have to do with this anyway? You can't tell someone not to bother going to a shelter in the US because a British one wouldn't accept them under the same circumstances. What does that have to do with anything??

Some of your 'advice' on this site could prove very dangerous if it was followed.

I'm beginning to think that you're one of those people on this site who just has to state their opinion on something and offer advice whether it's right or wrong - you just like to get your 2c in!

[SunDrop 59]

Every single shelter in Britain? Without exception? Or are you just generalising?

And like Happy Bunny says, what do British shelters have to do with this anyway? You can't tell someone not to bother going to a shelter in the US because a British one wouldn't accept them under the same circumstances. What does that have to do with anything??

Some of your 'advice' on this site could prove very dangerous if it was followed.

I'm beginning to think that you're one of those people on this site who just has to state their opinion on something and offer advice whether it's right or wrong - you just like to get your 2c in!

My talking about British shelters was in response to a PP having a 'hard time believing' it was the same. There is a national shortage of shelter spaces and no, that's not a generalisation. I'm not going into it any further than that because honestly it's a waste of time since as you pointed out, we're not talking about shelters in Britain.

The 'anything' that it has to do with is that the OP's wife stated she felt unsafe and was apparently told to go to a shelter. In other words, it strongly sounds as though she's being encouraged, as far as the OP knows and fears, to allege abuse in order to get out of a scam marriage and maintain status. Where did I say 'if she was in Britain, she wouldn't get in'? It's not the OP that's thinking of going to a shelter so why would I say "don't"?

Additionally, I didn't say "privacy laws state that" I said "be careful of privacy laws". What's dangerous about advising someone of covering their back from a legal standpoint?

Honestly, think what you like. Sure, there are posts where I could have better phrased something I've said, so it comes over less as fact than the contemplation/ consideration it is. "In your position, I'd find out what the privacy laws in your state are before taping someone without telling them" would have been better than 'be careful of breaking privacy laws..."

If you read something that I've written that you think is potentially dangerous and should be corrected, I'm more than open to receiving a PM raising the issue. I'm not adverse to standing corrected and would happily revise any post that was potentially misleading. That way, you won't need to be unnecessarily rude and publicly demeaning.

[annapesh 0]

Ted,

How come that instead of talking to your wife, someone who you swore to be committed to, you are here seeking for consolation?

You can not imagine how much she needs you in this moment. She sees your limited desire to file the AOS documents as a betrayal and disloyalty. She gave up everything she had to be with you - parents, job, friends. She is completely alone and you are the only connection to the outside word. Did you take her out recently? Unlikely if you already suspended doing the most important thing she needs to make the life of BOTH of you better. She has to have life; Driver license, work permit. Of course SHE DOES NOT FEEL SAFE in the environment when she has no support from you.

Would you ever keep a local girl on a short lace like this? Is it fair to treat you wife, who you go to bed and make love like this??

Listen more to the guys over here. This is a short cut to: broken heart, divorce lawyers (and then you will get the bill - ten times more than you can expect). What was the point to get married if you are not committed now to stay with her and help her to find the job, friends, social life?? Of course she is pissed off.

Would not you be? No matter how stupid the idea about shelter sounds like, it is her way to communicate with you. It is the way to ask you - look where I am emotionally, I need your help.

Do not screw up something good that you were given. Work it out, it will worth it. Good luck to you guys.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Ted,

How come that instead of talking to your wife, someone who you swore to be committed to, you are here seeking for consolation?

You can not imagine how much she needs you in this moment. She sees your limited desire to file the AOS documents as a betrayal and disloyalty. She gave up everything she had to be with you - parents, job, friends. She is completely alone and you are the only connection to the outside word. Did you take her out recently? Unlikely if you already suspended doing the most important thing she needs to make the life of BOTH of you better. She has to have life; Driver license, work permit. Of course SHE DOES NOT FEEL SAFE in the environment when she has no support from you.

Would you ever keep a local girl on a short lace like this? Is it fair to treat you wife, who you go to bed and make love like this??

Listen more to the guys over here. This is a short cut to: broken heart, divorce lawyers (and then you will get the bill - ten times more than you can expect). What was the point to get married if you are not committed now to stay with her and help her to find the job, friends, social life?? Of course she is pissed off.

Would not you be? No matter how stupid the idea about shelter sounds like, it is her way to communicate with you. It is the way to ask you - look where I am emotionally, I need your help.

Do not screw up something good that you were given. Work it out, it will worth it. Good luck to you guys.

I think you're reading between the lines here, and with much better glasses than I own!

He said they completed the AOS papers a month after their marriage, and he was only waiting until his next paycheck before sending them. I don't see how this could be viewed as "limited desire to file the AOS documents". This is a very reasonable timeframe, and if she was worried at all about getting the AOS done then she would be relieved that they'd finally completed the papers. Why would her attitude change suddenly the day AFTER finishing the paperwork?

It's too early in the game to tell if this is a classic VAWA scam, but it's got all of the signs of a VAWA scam in the making. If she pulled the trigger too soon, then she'd have to self petition for AOS, which is tougher to do through VAWA if she's only been married for a month. Waiting until she thought the AOS had been filed would buy her more time to develop evidence for her abuse claim - up to two years more time - and she'd only be petitioning to remove conditions.

You're basically suggesting he ignore the warning signs and give her what she wants on a silver platter. I think he's got good reason to be suspicious. Any sudden change in attitude should raise questions, especially if the timing coincides with an immigration related event.

[annapesh 0]

"preparing" papers does not mean much. It looks like they are in a position when she pushes him to submit them and he resist.

You do not understand the time frame she is in. She came 6 weeks ago and has 6 more weeks to file the papers (three months upon arrival). If her husband for whatever reason does not feel like going through AOS, he puts her in a position when she;

- is about to loose the legal status and became illegal immigrant (exactly what was planned before she came here, isn't it, Ted?)

- braking the conditions on which her fiancee visa in her home country was issued

- gets neither understanding, no support. No ID, no driving license, no work permit, nothing. Like each of you guys, she has her idea you what it means to be significant, and sitting on Ted's neck is not the way she wants to live.

As a result; As soon as possible she needs to figure out if Ted will cooperate (saying about going to the shelter) and they can work it out.

Because if not, she has to leave the country NOW if she ever wants to go to the US again. Otherwise she will get ban for three years (or even for 10 years if her divorce takes longer than 7 months)

So, by marrying Ted she lost: not only job (with this economy she will not get it back), she lost the opportunity to find a normal guy and have a normal life (there is nothing bad in an idea to live in better conditions and in general Americans are better husbands than Russians :-)). Unlikely she will be issued visa to the US again, as she can not leave now. Divorce will take too long and she will be out of three months time frame.

For her it looks like he deliberately screwing her life for the solo purpose of what?? Marriage is a conscious choice of commitment and staying with each other whatever happens. Why to break it now ? She is exhausted emotionally, talk to her and explain that you love her and are not going to betray her when she is so vulnerable.

[milimelo 4,481]

"preparing" papers does not mean much. It looks like they are in a position when she pushes him to submit them and he resist.

You do not understand the time frame she is in. She came 6 weeks ago and has 6 more weeks to file the papers (three months upon arrival). If her husband for whatever reason does not feel like going through AOS, he puts her in a position when she;

- is about to loose the legal status and became illegal immigrant (exactly what was planned before she came here, isn't it, Ted?)

- braking the conditions on which her fiancee visa in her home country was issued

- gets neither understanding, no support. No ID, no driving license, no work permit, nothing. Like each of you guys, she has her idea you what it means to be significant, and sitting on Ted's neck is not the way she wants to live.

As a result; As soon as possible she needs to figure out if Ted will cooperate (saying about going to the shelter) and they can work it out.

Because if not, she has to leave the country NOW if she ever wants to go to the US again. Otherwise she will get ban for three years (or even for 10 years if her divorce takes longer than 7 months)

So, by marrying Ted she lost: not only job (with this economy she will not get it back), she lost the opportunity to find a normal guy and have a normal life (there is nothing bad in an idea to live in better conditions and in general Americans are better husbands than Russians :-)). Unlikely she will be issued visa to the US again, as she can not leave now. Divorce will take too long and she will be out of three months time frame.

For her it looks like he deliberately screwing her life for the solo purpose of what?? Marriage is a conscious choice of commitment and staying with each other whatever happens. Why to break it now ? She is exhausted emotionally, talk to her and explain that you love her and are not going to betray her when she is so vulnerable.

That's not really true - there is no breaking of visa laws when it comes to AOS.

The only visa related condition is to get married within 90 days. When the AOS is filed does not matter to USCIS as long as marriage occurred within 90 days - of course, the sooner the better. But there were cases on this board where people filed months and YEARS after and everything was fine.

Seriously, you don't seem to know when the bans are incurred. 180 days past the I-94 expiration is 3 year one, over 360 days past the I-94 expiration is 10 year ban.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

"preparing" papers does not mean much. It looks like they are in a position when she pushes him to submit them and he resist.

You do not understand the time frame she is in. She came 6 weeks ago and has 6 more weeks to file the papers (three months upon arrival). If her husband for whatever reason does not feel like going through AOS, he puts her in a position when she;

- is about to loose the legal status and became illegal immigrant (exactly what was planned before she came here, isn't it, Ted?)

- braking the conditions on which her fiancee visa in her home country was issued

- gets neither understanding, no support. No ID, no driving license, no work permit, nothing. Like each of you guys, she has her idea you what it means to be significant, and sitting on Ted's neck is not the way she wants to live.

As a result; As soon as possible she needs to figure out if Ted will cooperate (saying about going to the shelter) and they can work it out.

Because if not, she has to leave the country NOW if she ever wants to go to the US again. Otherwise she will get ban for three years (or even for 10 years if her divorce takes longer than 7 months)

So, by marrying Ted she lost: not only job (with this economy she will not get it back), she lost the opportunity to find a normal guy and have a normal life (there is nothing bad in an idea to live in better conditions and in general Americans are better husbands than Russians :-)). Unlikely she will be issued visa to the US again, as she can not leave now. Divorce will take too long and she will be out of three months time frame.

For her it looks like he deliberately screwing her life for the solo purpose of what?? Marriage is a conscious choice of commitment and staying with each other whatever happens. Why to break it now ? She is exhausted emotionally, talk to her and explain that you love her and are not going to betray her when she is so vulnerable.

Are you seriously implying that Ted spent all of that time and money just to bring her to the US and make an illegal alien out of her? How can you possibly think that will benefit him in any way? And, if that were, in some bizarre way, the actual case, what possible use would it be for him to seek advice on an internet forum?

You apparently don't understand how the K1 visa process works. She satisfied the requirements of the visa by getting married within 90 days of her arrival. USCIS will forgive any overstay once she actually files for AOS, even if it's many months after the 90 day I-94 expires.. She won't get a ban of any kind unless she overstays by more than 180 days AND actually leaves the US. As long as she remains in the US and married to a US citizen, she's eligible to apply for AOS. If he won't cooperate because he's using her immigration status as some sort of threat, then that is one of the scenarios that VAWA was designed for. She's not in danger of any of the things you described actually happening to her. Moreover, there is absolutely nothing in Ted's posts to indicate that she's going through any of the trauma you describe. It appears to me that you've conjured up this scenario in your mind, perhaps because his wife is Russian.

[annapesh 0]

I just want to explain to you guys, that as soon as your fiancee becomes your wife, you should stay focused and committed to the initial plan instead of jumping left and right with the idea if to file the documents or keep her out of status, without right to work, driver license and opportunity to build her little life.

Yes, they got married within 90 days and you are right, there is no definite time frame when they suppose to apply for AOS.

When I-94 expires her status becomes - out of status.

They can file the documents for AOS later, and more likely there will be not problem with obtaining a greencard if she doesn't leave the country.

The real issue arises if there is necessity for her to travel back home. Imagine, that her I-94 expired, and they send the AOS documents along with the request for EAD and Advance Parole later than 180 days upon I-94 expiration.

She will still be granted both almost automatically. Then, she leaves for her home country and comes back with Advance Parole. She might be admitted at the border, but she will not be granted a greencard for sure. She becomes illegal immigrant.

Can you imagine what she feels seeing the game "we will submit your docs later on, if you behave well and I still like you"

[Darnell 8,478]

I just want to explain to you guys, that as soon as your fiancee becomes your wife, you should stay focused and committed to the initial plan instead of jumping left and right with the idea if to file the documents or keep her out of status, without right to work, driver license and opportunity to build her little life.

Yes, they got married within 90 days and you are right, there is no definite time frame when they suppose to apply for AOS.

When I-94 expires her status becomes - out of status.

They can file the documents for AOS later, and more likely there will be not problem with obtaining a greencard if she doesn't leave the country.

The real issue arises if there is necessity for her to travel back home. Imagine, that her I-94 expired, and they send the AOS documents along with the request for EAD and Advance Parole later than 180 days upon I-94 expiration.

She will still be granted both almost automatically. Then, she leaves for her home country and comes back with Advance Parole. She might be admitted at the border, but she will not be granted a greencard for sure. She becomes illegal immigrant.

Can you imagine what she feels seeing the game "we will submit your docs later on, if you behave well and I still like you"

I feel what you've written is totally 'out of scope' for the OPs posit.

You might have a point, for 'later on' - but - it's not 'later on' , at this point.

For the OP -

somethings drastically weirded out, with her.

I've studied yer prior posts, and even yer channel on the youtube with Marina vogue-ing in high-speed, stop-action .

Something got twisted, and she's asked her 'friends' for advice - and the advice she's gotten opens up the 'battered spouse' playbook.

I know it's been some time since you first posted this 'issue' but - you TWO should go to a marriage counselor, immediately.

re: recording - hey - it doesn't matter what the 'state laws' are, if the evidence collected is used as part of an ICE investigation.

[ziia 9]

Omg I see some thirsty people in here...Her husband barely said 3 words which by the way to me don't offer any logical explanatory connection between how he feels and what's actually happening and all of the sudden I read responses to have him "jump out the window" as soon as possible, sort to say, secretly record her(which can get him in trouble if he doesn't consult the law regarding the legality of it in his state) and withdraw the Affidavit he sent. Jezzzzz, people, slow down a bit with this kind of advices...i mean this man, the OP said his wife feels unsafe. That's it, he said unsafe not unsafe with him. Perhaps he lives in a more dangerous neighborhood or perhaps someone approached his wife on the street in a manner that freaked her out. It did happen to me when i first got here and was afraid to get out of the house for about a month. I think some people are jumping to conclusions way too fast and instead of helping this guy by asking him more questions and to express himself a bit more than 3 words if he is seeking advice on Visa Journey. Telling this man to abandon ship when his wife barely got here and might have tons of anxiousness that he(the husband) needs to understand a little better before he shows up here all clueless and confused asking us to clarify his in home situation but barely offering 2 words to work with. I think he should focus on communicating with his wife a little bit more than this.

Edited February 16, 2010 by ziia

[ziia 9]

Why would her attitude change suddenly the day AFTER finishing the paperwork?

You're basically suggesting he ignore the warning signs and give her what she wants on a silver platter. I think he's got good reason to be suspicious. Any sudden change in attitude should raise questions, especially if the timing coincides with an immigration related event.

I agree with your logic 100% of the times but i also wonder: Why would she tell her husband out of all people so soon into the marriage she feels unsafe(if she even meant unsafe with him in the first place? and not unsafe because of the environment where they live )? Shouldn't she confide in him AFTER she calls the cops and bruises herself? I don't consider what she said a "lucky" charm for him or a heads up, but a more in depth look at the situation in itself, meaning she might desire her husband to be around her more(hence the fact that she spends most of her time chatting online with russian people from all over US instead spending it with him or better yet HIM with her). My guess is that if she only married him for papers she would wait until she actually gets the papers, no? I mean, plain logic. I believe the OP should protect himself by staying "en garde" but not completely go freakish on her, abandoning her in his home or at a hotel. That is so low and frankly she is HIS responsibility because he got her here in the first place. If you buy a burger and you don't like the taste, do you throw the whole burger out of your car window cuz you just feel like it all of the sudden?...the street sweepers are gonna sweep it anyway, right? No, my guess is that you wait until you get close to a trash can or at home. None the less, you wait because where that burger goes is your responsibility not to be dumped on the street at the feet of rushed pedestrians. No, I'm not comparing his wife to a burger but seriously, this guy needs to take responsibility and man up. If he had no clue before e married her that she was out to take advantage of him, he suddenly finds out 2 weeks later the truth? Give me a break. There is more here than this guy has said so far and most importantly something doesn't connect. That is why my advice is to shut off the computer, both of them!! and talk about their issues. Just my 2 cents.

Edited February 16, 2010 by ziia