Short Marriage

[Ted and Marina 0]

Almost exactly 1 month after our marriage, and a year of tough paper work to get her here...now it is over.

After she stayed up all night on computer, when I woke, she tells me does not feel safe, she asks me where can be safe?

A friend tells her to go to a 'shelter' !

I feel very strange that we just finished our adjustment of status papers, and the next morning she tells me this.

Now I don't trust what happens next...I read the horror stories about others calling police for abuse to get them kicked out.

I'm at work, but am feeling very cautious...I did not see this coming.

I felt we had it very good since we were near same age, that she was not after anything.

Now I have no idea.

Anybody been thru this?

Or know where this comes from?

Is it being very homesick?

She Skypes almost daily to family and friends, I would think this helps.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

I am so sorry.

You do need to get things clarified with her - if she wishes to stay married, or if she needs a temporary separation. Did she say why she doesn't feel safe? Do you feel there will be any sort of revelation if you talk things over with a counselor together?

Does she already have her green card or have you just filed the papers? If the marriage breaks down or you feel that she didn't marry you for the right reasons you can withdraw your affidavit of support before the green card is approved and it will be denied. You really need to find out if she is really in this marriage or not - and if not, then take the necessary steps to protect your interest, including backing out from the affidavit of support for the green card.

Do take care to protect yourself, though, especially if you feel that she might have just used you to get here. Document everything carefully and definitely do not let her provoke you into some action you might regret. You might not want to 'tip your hand' by telling her you may consider withdrawing the affidavit of support. You are more likely to see her true colours if she thinks she is now home free - if that was her motivation.

Again, I am so sorry about this. Good luck to you.

(also, I've moved this thread from the K-1 forum to the Effects of Major Changes on Immigration Benefits forum as a more suitable location).

Edited February 2, 2010 by Kathryn41

[Penguin_ie 5,995]

I am sorry you are going through this. It could be homesickness, I know I had a difficult time adjusting to the USA even though I had visited many times and lived with my US husband in my country for three years.

It does concern me that she says she feels unsafe, do you know why she feels this way Did you have a physical fight? Maybe counselling would help...

[Bobby+Umit 161]

Try counseling first. (in particular, do you have any Russian friends here she can talk to? Hang out with?)

It might be homesickness - then again, it might not.

No one here can really answer that question.

[Ted and Marina 0]

We have had agruments in past, even on QIP, but never anything physical.

It is really strange that she begins this after finishing papers, because I have not sent them.

As it requires much money, I was waiting for next payday.

So I don't see her gain from this as only for a green card.

But it is most disturbing.

She speaks with many Russian friends in all areas of USA, we even visit one that is near a couple of times.

She has only been hear 6 weeks.

I think she gets all this from a friend, but did not do it correctly.

[justashooter 430]

go with your gut feeling on this one. you are in the action, so your judgement is gonna be best, in a subjective sense. we can tell you stories about women and men from high fraud countries and what their games are, but you have to be the one to make the call.

if it were me, i would be looking for a door.

[Waitinggent 2]

As others have said, it is difficult for us to read the situation, not knowing you or her. So you must look at the situation to see if you can find some reason she would feel unsafe with you. If there is no reason for this, then her request to live in a shelter is very strange and troubling. Did she ask friends first if one could put her up? A shelter is certainly a strange idea for someone who hasn't been abused or threatened. You should definitely protect yourself against possible phony abuse charges. If she was really afraid of you, I would think that she would want to return to her home country. The fact that she prefers to go to a shelter rather than to return home is just plain abnormal and suspicious. It certainly has the appearance of someone who wants to stay in the US but not with you. As others have said, try to get to the bottom of this, quickly if possible, and see a counselor if she is willing, but I would not file the AOS papers until this is cleared up. In fact, if you cannot quickly make sense out of what she is doing, and she is not forthcoming, I would probably make a pre-emptive strike and go to the police first with your concerns and ask them how you should proceed in order to protect yourself from the possibility of phony abuse charges. I would tell the police that you are going to move out of your home and let her stay there until you get her an airplane ticket for her to return to Russia, and file for annulment of the marriage. I am no lawyer, so this is simply my gut reaction, but if you can afford a lawyer, I would get one fairly soon if she cannot give you a rational explanation for her behavior. I am very sorry to hear about your situation, and I wish you the best of luck.

[Ted and Marina 0]

Thanks...I will return home soon.

Many good ideas here.

Just too much shock for this to happen the day after we finish forms.

It is tough to understand the desire for this.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

We have had agruments in past, even on QIP, but never anything physical.

It is really strange that she begins this after finishing papers, because I have not sent them.

As it requires much money, I was waiting for next payday.

So I don't see her gain from this as only for a green card.

But it is most disturbing.

She speaks with many Russian friends in all areas of USA, we even visit one that is near a couple of times.

She has only been hear 6 weeks.

I think she gets all this from a friend, but did not do it correctly.

It's possible she's getting guidance from her friend on how to play the "abused spouse" scam. She may not be playing it the way it's typically played, but she's not necessarily doing it incorrectly either. Usually, the immigrant spouse will wait for a few months after getting the conditional green card before setting up for the evidence of abuse. When they feel they've collected enough "good faith" evidence, then they'll trash the house, conjure up a few bruises, and call the cops. It's not typical to play this card so soon, or to play it before they have the conditional green card, but it's not a show stopper either. She can adjust status on her own if she can prove the abuse and good faith marriage. VAWA covers adjustment of status, in addition to lifting conditions.

Every high fraud country has it's own stereotypical visa fraud scam, and the "abused spouse" scam is the most common one in Russia and other FSU states. There are a lot of web sites that teach women how to do this, and just as many web sites where victimized men post their horror stories.

Read the following ONLY if you are certain you are being scammed!

If you think this may be happening to you, then you first need to protect yourself. She'll need evidence of abuse, which usually involves police reports. This means that YOU will end up with a police record for spousal abuse. In order to prevent this, you can't allow yourself to be in any situation with her where a credible accusation of abuse can be made against you. Don't be alone with her. If you are not at home, make sure you are with people who can vouch for your whereabouts. You don't want any scenario where she can claim you were home, and you can't prove you were not. Move out of the house as soon as possible, and have witnesses present when you pack. Contact a divorce lawyer, and have no further contact with her. Destroy the documents you prepared for AOS, and send a notarized letter to USCIS that you are withdrawing your support for her. Do NOT try to keep any of her personal property, including her documents (abusers often seize the abused spouse's documents and threaten them with deportation if they talk).

Good luck!

[Shad and Dani 3]

It's possible she's getting guidance from her friend on how to play the "abused spouse" scam. She may not be playing it the way it's typically played, but she's not necessarily doing it incorrectly either. Usually, the immigrant spouse will wait for a few months after getting the conditional green card before setting up for the evidence of abuse. When they feel they've collected enough "good faith" evidence, then they'll trash the house, conjure up a few bruises, and call the cops. It's not typical to play this card so soon, or to play it before they have the conditional green card, but it's not a show stopper either. She can adjust status on her own if she can prove the abuse and good faith marriage. VAWA covers adjustment of status, in addition to lifting conditions.

Every high fraud country has it's own stereotypical visa fraud scam, and the "abused spouse" scam is the most common one in Russia and other FSU states. There are a lot of web sites that teach women how to do this, and just as many web sites where victimized men post their horror stories.

Read the following ONLY if you are certain you are being scammed!

If you think this may be happening to you, then you first need to protect yourself. She'll need evidence of abuse, which usually involves police reports. This means that YOU will end up with a police record for spousal abuse. In order to prevent this, you can't allow yourself to be in any situation with her where a credible accusation of abuse can be made against you. Don't be alone with her. If you are not at home, make sure you are with people who can vouch for your whereabouts. You don't want any scenario where she can claim you were home, and you can't prove you were not. Move out of the house as soon as possible, and have witnesses present when you pack. Contact a divorce lawyer, and have no further contact with her. Destroy the documents you prepared for AOS, and send a notarized letter to USCIS that you are withdrawing your support for her. Do NOT try to keep any of her personal property, including her documents (abusers often seize the abused spouse's documents and threaten them with deportation if they talk).

Good luck!

Best advice I've ever read on this site! Abandon Ship!!!!!

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

Go to walmart and pick up a sound activated digital recorder. Cost is about $20. Keep it in your pocket (or nearby) at all times your with her. If needed, you can let authorities hear it. This situation passes and all is OK. Trash it.

[SunDrop 59]

Be careful about breaking privacy laws by not telling her that you are recording everything. If you are planning on doing this, make sure you announce on tape that you are recording your conversations, stating your name and hers, and anyone else who may be present with the date and time. If she picks a fight, leave without conversation, just say 'I don't want to argue, I don't want you to feel unsafe as you claim you do, so I am leaving.' Pick up your keys and walk out.

The only way a shelter will take her is if she alleges abuse - be very very careful about being alone with her. Go and stay at a friend's house if you can, or pay for a hotel room for her for a couple of nights. Whatever you do, don't send the adjustment but file for divorce. Have you added her to your bank accounts, bills, etc? I wouldn't tell her that you haven't sent them in yet, either.

Suggest that if she is unhappy, you will pay for her to go home. Make sure that she has access to her passport at all times, you don't want a situation where you lock it in a firesafe and then find she's said, "he took my passport and now I can't get it."

Is it possible that it's a vocabulary issue? When she says unsafe, is she clear that you are making her feel unsafe, or could she mean that she feels vulnerable? I think anyone who is new to a foreign country is going to feel vulnerable and 'disabled' by their lack of knowledge and understanding of how/ what happens.

And finally, trust your instincts. Walking, talking ducks and all that....

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

Be careful about breaking privacy laws by not telling her that you are recording everything. If you are planning on doing this, make sure you announce on tape that you are recording your conversations, stating your name and hers, and anyone else who may be present with the date and time. If she picks a fight, leave without conversation, just say 'I don't want to argue, I don't want you to feel unsafe as you claim you do, so I am leaving.' Pick up your keys and walk out.

The only way a shelter will take her is if she alleges abuse - be very very careful about being alone with her. Go and stay at a friend's house if you can, or pay for a hotel room for her for a couple of nights. Whatever you do, don't send the adjustment but file for divorce. Have you added her to your bank accounts, bills, etc? I wouldn't tell her that you haven't sent them in yet, either.

Suggest that if she is unhappy, you will pay for her to go home. Make sure that she has access to her passport at all times, you don't want a situation where you lock it in a firesafe and then find she's said, "he took my passport and now I can't get it."

Is it possible that it's a vocabulary issue? When she says unsafe, is she clear that you are making her feel unsafe, or could she mean that she feels vulnerable? I think anyone who is new to a foreign country is going to feel vulnerable and 'disabled' by their lack of knowledge and understanding of how/ what happens.

And finally, trust your instincts. Walking, talking ducks and all that....

It's not illegal to record. (and) legally/technically speaking, don't have to inform that conversations are being recorded. Can/is used in court of law. Been there done that.

[mox 298]

Be careful about breaking privacy laws by not telling her that you are recording everything. If you are planning on doing this, make sure you announce on tape that you are recording your conversations, stating your name and hers, and anyone else who may be present with the date and time. If she picks a fight, leave without conversation, just say 'I don't want to argue, I don't want you to feel unsafe as you claim you do, so I am leaving.' Pick up your keys and walk out.

Not true. Different states have different privacy laws, but almost all jurisdictions agree that there is no expectation of privacy in an open conversation. The rules are somewhat different for recorded phone conversations (again, different states have different rules), but just like you have no expectation of privacy when someone wants to snap your photo, so it goes with a recored conversation.

The only way a shelter will take her is if she alleges abuse - be very very careful about being alone with her. Go and stay at a friend's house if you can, or pay for a hotel room for her for a couple of nights. Whatever you do, don't send the adjustment but file for divorce. Have you added her to your bank accounts, bills, etc? I wouldn't tell her that you haven't sent them in yet, either.

Also not true. There are many different types of shelters in the US, and some will take a woman in even if she just needs time to "collect her thoughts." I have a hard time believing this isn't the case in Britain also.

And if this is just a case of severe homesickness or confusion, leaving her to stay at a friends or a hotel is just going add a feeling of abandonment to her mix of emotions. This is a time the couple needs to be communicating, not avoiding.

[Kar_98 10]

I think she gets all this from a friend, but did not do it correctly.

Give the man a cigar!

There's GOT to be a field manual out there in Russia, because that's the exact same course they're all taking:

0. realize you're too old to roam the roads of Leningrad as a three bit ####### anymore

1. post "I am looking for looooooooove" ad in trucker mag or online

2. get married to American citizen

3. always leave "traces" of being abused around

4. as soon as convincingly possible, often after removal of conditions, sometimes earlier under VAWA, sometimes later, to get citizenship sooner, call the cops on the husband for alleged abuse.

5. get divorced, US citizenship, and your dumb #### American husband's stuff.

I know several cases from real life, and many many more online. It gets hilarious when they screw up the playbook.