EX Boyfriend "maybe" back in the picture...

[leahandlucas 15]

Im worried sick to my stomach.....i honestly feel like i can't go on another day....its killing me...but i'll let you know the story first....

I met my girl (from Mexico) online like roughly 8 months ago,...got married in December 26 of 2009.

Before we got together...we'd talked about "ex's"....and well im 28 and she's 30....she had an ex who was like 40 years old...and well....i guess he was married and supposedly she didnt know about it....although she "suspected it"....anywhos....she used to see him once every 2 weeks....him being from Monterrey and she being from Saltillo.....

So one day she went and visited him in Monterrey, and he never picked up his phone, etc, etc, etc....so long story short, she kinda got a feeling that "yeah, he's more than likely married" etc, etc.

Anyways....i dunno...the details of the relationship never made me feel comfortable because she never introduced him to her family after being together for almost a year and let alone her parents never knew anything about the relationship and all that....more like to me.....i kinda felt like it was a "casual sex" relationship...i dunno.....

Anywhos....bottom line is....i put it (the best i could) behind me,...although that 1 particular relationship just never made me feel comfortable....and well we got married on December 26 of 2009...she treats me really well...tells me she loves me, hugs me, kisses me..all that....I KNOW she's had ex boyfriends in the past,...i understand that...they were there for their time, it ended...etc, etc...but this one in particular with this guy just made me feel uncomfortable....still makes me feel uncomfortable to this day....(for obvious reasons)

Anyways....i phoned a friend down there....and he explained to me that this guy....after not talking to her for over a year.....is trying to get in contact with her again because he called her looking for her asking for her number (her other number she changed it, the old one) But from what my friend explained.....he told me that it sounded like he was very determined to get in contact with her because he wants to get back with her....

Now....i can't get mad at the ex,.....because he doesn't know she's married.....and i can't get mad at my wife....because she doesn't know he's trying to get in contact with her....but what happens if they do get in contact???.....im worried...really worried...

Im worried,...because i know they "had" a relationship....so they have a history....so it really worries me.....im here....she's there....and he's only a few hours away....and i know out of all her ex's...she liked him the most....

So what do i do????wait it out???.....HOW do i go about talking to her about this???....she tells me she loves me....she ses she'd never leave me for anyone....she ses she'd never cheat on me.....but this guy from the beginning has never made me feel comfortable...the relationship they had never made me feel comfortable period.

I really want to talk to her about it....but its hard because her house phone is cut off right now....she doesnt have access to the internet...and the only phone that is working is her cell phone,...and it costs ALOT to call a cell phone in Mexico...

Please help me....what do i do???...im worried....worried sick to my stomach....

Edited January 31, 2010 by leahandlucas

[Peikko 1,575]

Oh dear.

If this is a serious question, let your wife deal with it in her own way. Either she is married to you and will not entertain this other man or, she isn't 'married' to you and she will. Either way, you'll know more about how well this relationship is going to work out if you leave it to her, than if you try to interfere in some way.

[Danno 1,228]

I'm betting you get advice which is from one extreme to another but in the end... She is going to do what she is going to do...... and what do you think you could do to change it?

You either married someone who respects you and your marriage or you didn't, how would we know better than you?

Wow MC, we are kinda thinkin alike.

[leahandlucas 15]

im REALLY sick to my stomach....every time i tried to speak to her about it when i was down there...she kinda got mad and said "ahh,...this again"...and then i was constantly asking her....begging her like "please...if there is something you haven't told me...PLEASE tell me NOW so we can resolve this before we get married....please"...

Right up until the night before the wedding i asked her...and she said "no, theres nothing more"....so i was like "ok...i'll trust it then...so no more talking about ex's"

(because yes, talking about ex's did cause us problems)...but i dont wan't the past to affect our future...we just got married.......and now this???....

Now i feel like i might have to bring it up with her.......and unfortunately with Mexican culture....they tell whats known as "innocent lies"....and these "innocent lies" are so that they don't hurt the feelings of someone...so they go about it in a round-about-way

I've always told her....we always need to have "honesty" and an "open relationship where we discuss everything...no secrets"....

And what i worry is that if they do make contact...and i find out....ask her...and she ses "no we didnt talk" just to not hurt my feelings....what do i do???

Im not myself....i really, truly feel like i wont survive this one.....

i've been cheated on before....and it hurt like never before....and i was married before as well....

Im scared.....im really, really scared....i can't concentrate...i can't eat....i can't sleep...can't do anything...i can't function and im towards the end of my university graduating in may of next year.....but i can't concentrate since i found this out....

[Susita 175]

In a marriage there needs to be a certain level of trust....

I agree with MC & Danno on this one. There's nothing you can really do except let it be.

[illnevergetthis 5]

There has to be trust in a marriage or it will never survive...with or without the distance.

Try not to carry baggage from your old relationship into this one. The woman that cheated on you is not your wife...so don't make your wife pay for this other woman's transgressions.

You have to have faith in your marriage and in your wife. You said that your wife doesn't know that this man is trying to contact her. And even if he does reach her, who says that she will even respond to him. Try to have faith and trust in your marriage and your wife.

I hope all works out for you.

[Danno 1,228]

im REALLY sick to my stomach....every time i tried to speak to her about it when i was down there...she kinda got mad and said "ahh,...this again"...and then i was constantly asking her....begging her like "please...if there is something you haven't told me...PLEASE tell me NOW so we can resolve this before we get married....please"...

Right up until the night before the wedding i asked her...and she said "no, theres nothing more"....so i was like "ok...i'll trust it then...so no more talking about ex's"

(because yes, talking about ex's did cause us problems)...but i dont wan't the past to affect our future...we just got married.......and now this???....

Now i feel like i might have to bring it up with her.......and unfortunately with Mexican culture....they tell whats known as "innocent lies"....and these "innocent lies" are so that they don't hurt the feelings of someone...so they go about it in a round-about-way

I've always told her....we always need to have "honesty" and an "open relationship where we discuss everything...no secrets"....

And what i worry is that if they do make contact...and i find out....ask her...and she ses "no we didnt talk" just to not hurt my feelings....what do i do???

Im not myself....i really, truly feel like i wont survive this one.....

i've been cheated on before....and it hurt like never before....and i was married before as well....

Im scared.....im really, really scared....i can't concentrate...i can't eat....i can't sleep...can't do anything...i can't function and im towards the end of my university graduating in may of next year.....but i can't concentrate since i found this out....

Dude you come across like you are cracking up, you might want to contact someone in "real life" for a shoulder to lean on.

You also seem very "needy" which has limited appeal to most women I have known.

If this were the movie "God Father" I would smack you across the face and tell you to act like a "man".

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[leahandlucas 15]

you are right...i do need to act like a man...i do admit...it just worries me...thats all because of the circumstances of the situation of the relationship they had...

[luckytxn 2,264]

Jealousy has killed more relationships than all the other reasons put together.

[illnevergetthis 5]

you are right...i do need to act like a man...i do admit...it just worries me...thats all because of the circumstances of the situation of the relationship they had...

Yes, but that relationship is in the past and needs to stay there. Don't let something that isn't happening drive you crazy. That isn't good for you, her, or your marriage.

[Lia792 5]

borrow a land line, get a $5 calling card from the nearest gas station and you should be able to get an hour or two at least out of it...

You phoned a friend down there but you can't call her?

I can't believe there aren't any internet cafes in Saltillo.

If people want to be in touch, they can make it happen.

Edited February 1, 2010 by Lia792

[Lia792 5]

When my SO and I were in a long-distance relationship between Mexico and the US, we spoke 5 nights out of the week, sometimes twice a day with webcams as we IMed (while I wrote my thesis, took classes and worked.) If she doesn't have the money, I'm sure you could send her the pittance they would ask for at the internet cafe.

You can't maintain a relationship if you aren't communicating. If you want to stay calm and feel ok in your relationship, you need to maintain contact. She is your wife. It should be more important than school or work or anything else.

Edited February 1, 2010 by Lia792

[leahandlucas 15]

When my SO and I were in a long-distance relationship between Mexico and the US, we spoke 5 nights out of the week, sometimes twice a day with webcams as we IMed (while I wrote my thesis, took classes and worked.) If she doesn't have the money, I'm sure you could send her the pittance they would ask for at the internet cafe.

You can't maintain a relationship if you aren't communicating. If you want to stay calm and feel ok in your relationship, you need to maintain contact. She is your wife. It should be more important than school or work or anything else.

I am communicating....i call her by phone every night for a few minutes to her cell phone because her landline is cut...thats the thing...on top of that, her internet is connected to her landline....through telmex and they are both cut....so thats my only option...

Also...i asked her to go to an internet cafe, but it like never really occurs to her to go, she seems to think everything is alright and we'll talk by phone every night when i call her....her internet service has been cut for like a week now...and her phone landline went with it....

So its like she thinks "ahhh, end of the night he'll call me, we'll talk, everything is fine"

But she doesnt know about her ex chasing her.....but it was a very confusing relationship to understand....

*sigh*......im trying to distract myself...but its hard...

Also, she's currently unemployed as well...so im sending her money here and there...she's like putting on nails but thats about it....

[Amit-N-Melody 11]

Dude.... you are freaking out over something that hasn't even happened yet... I agree with everyone... she is either married to you or she isnt,simple as that... if she is going to intertain this other guy and have another booty call, then you dont have a "real" marriage in the first place and I think you are much better off finding this out now.. instead of years waisted on someone. You can not control someone and prevent them from doing what they are going to do... The only person that you can control is yourself.. The sooner you learn this the happier you will be.

Chilax man... lifes a party

[Wyatt's Torch 45]

The last thing I ever want to think about it my wife's exes...so I just don't think about them. Obviously I know my wife has had ex-boyfriends, just as I've had ex-girlfriends. The thought of her with another man before me is not a comfortable one...so I just don't think about it, and she doesn't bring them up... You can't change the past, and can't alter the fact that she's had other men in her life.

It doesn't look like you trust your wife...and if you don't, then why did you marry her? It's a valid question, I think. If you DO trust her completely, you WON'T freak out, and you'll take solace in knowing that if her ex DOES find her, she'll simply wave him off, telling him that she's married.

Why haven't you mentioned this to her, by the way? Mentioned that he's been looking for her, that is. You might as well. If she's going to find out that he's looking for her, she ought to hear it from you first, don't you think?

By the way, I'm not one to make gender generalizations, but I think it's safe to say that one thing NO woman likes is for her man to be too clingy. You're sounding very, very clingy...and that's a major turn off.

Edited February 1, 2010 by Wyatt's Torch