Baby Corner

[Mommy2ZaidnSalma 11]

Well a 2nd ultrasound still shows a girl! Were so excited

[Fandango 1,439]

Well a 2nd ultrasound still shows a girl! Were so excited

w0000000000000000000000000000t!!!! congrats!!!!

[Staashi 371]

Congrats, Kelly!!!!!!!!!!! I know you guys must be so excited. Come on little, Leila! <just showing which one I like> hehe

[Mommy2ZaidnSalma 11]

hehe. thanks My whole family and Zaid keep calling her Laila. Im just hoping it will stick and Sof wont have any objections.

[tnh9479 1]

Hicham liked the names of Laila and Aisha for our daughter. I really wanted Henna, but knew his family would not like that name. (We both LOVED the song, "Henna" by Khaled.) So...Hana was our compromise. I can't imagine her anything but that now.

[Gemmie 142]

About a baby changing a relationship and jealousy. I probably have no say in this since I'm not a mother, but I've witnessed changes happen with others. My FIL has confided in me that with his first marriage, when their child came along within a couple of years, he wasn't prepared for how he would be 'tossed aside' as he called it. They got divorced shortly after and he doesn't really have contact with his daughter even though she's now in her 30's. He married his current wife, my MIL. Again, he said that when their son was born, suddenly his place in life was lowered and he no longer fit into the picture. He's always telling me that my husband WILL be cast aside when we have a child, because that's 'just how women are'. He even admitted that it was a huge blow to his ego and said that suddenly the most important thing was the child, and he wasn't prepared for that. I have spoken to my MIL about it, and she said he could never get over the rejection and jealousy. It turned to resentment, and to be honest, it still affects his relationship today, with both his wife and his son.

Honestly, I think some people are just not meant to be parents, and he is one of them. My MIL has said that she wanted more than one child, but once she discovered how he was, she decided against it. I do believe that if they had been clear from the beginning about their expectations of what a child would bring, BEFORE they had one, it would've opened eyes.

[chri'stina 190]

I really don't understand why certain men act like they are the children and their wife is their mother their whole life. Having children should be part of a partnership! Both people are the parents. I know others as well who said they knew someone's husband who felt jealous after their child was born. If men didn't depend on their wives to do every single thing, it shouldn't be an issue. Do they forget how much more hard work the mom is doing if the father is acting like a baby too? It's just a pet peeve of mine. I haven't experienced it with my husband or my father so I don't understand it. My father was very involved in my life and my husband is very involved in Kavi's life. I guess some people are just not prepared to share their wives with their own children. Sounds too dependent on the woman to me.

Kelly-Congrats on confirming it's a girl!!

Lisa-I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly, can't believe it's almost over!

Hope the rest of you are fine.

[Anna C. 4]

@ Gemmie: Wow FIL definitely was never ready to be a father. It is true that spouses will have to adjust, but if you can't, you shouldn't have kids or at least go to therapy! I do think though that most men are completely able to adjust to the new situation. that doesn't mean it's not normal to feel rejected, just one has to talk about it, process it and get over it... I think my BIL must have been a guy like that. He died before I met DH, so I just know stories. He was married 4 times, fathered 7 kids and was a "father" to none of them. My husband likes to call his parents' generation (which is more or less my parents' as well) the pretty self-centered baby-boomer generation, it's all me me me and hence hard to share oneself and the spouse with a child. He has seen it in his family and friends' families.. MIL, bless her heart as great as she is now, she wasn't like now when she had kids. They were parked from minute one at grandma in law, the first thing her husband did when she came home from the hospital was to make her run to loose the weight and she thought that was great... She was always partying, but of course had au-pairs and such, but basically hubbie grew up on babysitters and nannies which he didn't appreciate. Not until he was about 14 she started therapy and changed and got more involved. His older siblings didn't benefit much at that point, but hubbie did, yet he is very aware of his childhood and doesn't want to repeat that. I mean he's home all the time with us when he's not at work, he doesn't want to go anywhere and spend time with other people unless we are with him. But granted when we lived back in CA I encouraged him to go and meet his friends, but now here with the military, it's not like he likes his coworkers at all that much... Most of them are single guys, a little younger, he feels they don't have much in common, so it's hard to get hubbie out of the house. But on the flipside, he helps with everything (did I mention the four poopie diapers yesterday that he handled????)/

[chri'stina 190]

My only grandparent left is not very good at being a "normal" mother or grandmother. We know she loves us, but she doesn't do the typical grandparent things. She grew up as the oldest in a family of 7 kids, but for being around so many people all the time she doesn't socialize well.

[Staashi 371]

I really don't understand why certain men act like they are the children and their wife is their mother their whole life. Having children should be part of a partnership! Both people are the parents. I know others as well who said they knew someone's husband who felt jealous after their child was born. If men didn't depend on their wives to do every single thing, it shouldn't be an issue. Do they forget how much more hard work the mom is doing if the father is acting like a baby too? It's just a pet peeve of mine. I haven't experienced it with my husband or my father so I don't understand it. My father was very involved in my life and my husband is very involved in Kavi's life. I guess some people are just not prepared to share their wives with their own children. Sounds too dependent on the woman to me.

Kelly-Congrats on confirming it's a girl!!

Lisa-I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly, can't believe it's almost over!

Hope the rest of you are fine.

'Stina, you would be terribly surprised how many men want a mother in a wife. It just comes with the territory. I've seen it so often.

Edited August 30, 2010 by Staashi

[Eveline 9]

I have to agree with Stina and Anna. It's not that it seems like the baby is the most important thing...the baby IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING....it's a fact. A baby is a completely helpless little human being that needs constant attention and love while a husband is at least able to make some food for himself (at least he should). YES, the baby will take #1 position but that doesn't mean that every man feels tossed aside. My husband did great through two kids, he survived and he's gone thorugh a lot of ups and downs with me (still does).

I think your - Gemmi's - FIL was just unable to care for himself or at least wanted a child but didnt' want to lose the convenience of someone only caring for him.

[Staashi 371]

I have to agree with Stina and Anna. It's not that it seems like the baby is the most important thing...the baby IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING....it's a fact. A baby is a completely helpless little human being that needs constant attention and love while a husband is at least able to make some food for himself (at least he should). YES, the baby will take #1 position but that doesn't mean that every man feels tossed aside. My husband did great through two kids, he survived and he's gone thorugh a lot of ups and downs with me (still does).

I think your - Gemmi's - FIL was just unable to care for himself or at least wanted a child but didnt' want to lose the convenience of someone only caring for him.

Yes, I agree with you that the baby is the most important person. But mark my words, if you devote all your time to your baby and don't give a rat's azz about your husband, he will find another. And I'm not saying that every mother is like that. No, no, no. But many are. I have seen women completely close themselves off to anyone but their children, namely, my close friend would not leave her children to go on a date with her husband. She wouldn't even leave them with her in-laws, who are responsible, sane people - a physician to boot! She was too paranoid that they would die without her or she would die and leave them, and couldn't bear the thought of letting them stay with anyone else. Any type of social event, football game, work function, whatever, she couldn't even dream of getting a sitter. It was a totally fvcked up situation. He finally had to tell her that her behavior was over and that she needed therapy if they were to stay together.

I realize that my friend's situation was a little much, but I think that there are a lot of women who forget about their husbands and just focus solely on their baby. I will say this...men, just like teeth, if ignored will go away.

[Eveline 9]

Hmm, I must say that I was kinda like your friend for at least the first year of both my kids' lives. I didn't leave Adam alone one second until he was about 10 months old and I left him with my parents while we were in Germany. Until then we didn't have family close and I wasn't about to leave my baby with somebody I didn't know.

As for Allie. I think I did leave her once when she was about 8 months old only to learn that she was screaming her lungs out and my parents just let her scream. After that I wouldn't leave her until she was exactly 12 months old. That was when we went to Canada last year.

My husband - luckily - is more of a homebody, annoyed by people/crowds and not overly social so I guess that's what made it work for us. We do get out every now and then now but we haven't been alone without the kids since April I believe. I don't have a problem anymore to leave them alone. They both are verbal, Allie has finally weaned and they both eat good. I don't have a problem leaving them alone anymore (with Granny or aunt Tammie) but I did hover over them during the first year. It just didn't seem right to leave them, I would have worried all the time.

[Nizzy 1]

Congrats Kelly!

About the hubby jealousy issue: My husband mentioned my ignoring him (not in reagrds to cooking or cleaning, however) and we talked it over. That first year of having a baby is a trying time for any relationship and so amidst all the chaos we had lost touch with each other. But we talked through it and have managed to get over it. I think that this issue should be discussed and if he still feels that way then there is something seriously wrong.

[chri'stina 190]

With all the points, I think finding a balance is the best thing, though it's not always so easy to do if both in the relationship aren't willing to do it.

Men shouldn't depend on wives to be their mommy, and women shouldn't completely ignore everyone else important in their lives when a child is born. A child does become the main priority especially when they are a newborn and young infant and need care for every single thing. It is consuming at that time. A husband can go potty by himself (lol) and can go order food if he can't or won't cook. A baby needs everything to be done for them. If a father won't help out then he can't complain that the woman is so busy doing everything for the baby.

I really like social interaction with my husband and other adults, so if I didn't focus on that at all because I was consumed by taking care of my son, that would be extra stressful sounding to me! I am mostly with Kavi 24/7 since I stay at home, and don't have a baby sitter or family to take him here and there. We have had a few chances to go out without him but it's rare. I look forward to when my husband gets home from work and I can talk to an adult in person. I think he really enjoys seeing me be a mom and I enjoy seeing him be a dad, he has never expressed jealousy but instead gets happy when I interact a lot with Kavi. I think we have equally focused on our son. Not that we have the perfect balance I'm sure, but what we do works pretty good for us.

(I had stress as a new mom, but just bc of being a new mom! I know my husband had some stress with it all too, but it was about all the new responsibilities and lack of sleep, more than about our own relationship.)

Edited August 31, 2010 by chri'stina