Fiance with girl friends...

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I'm happy you were able to talk it out Congrats

[Revenesque 2]

I will tell you why it is inappropriate ...

...one thing is to be in contact with my best (female) friends and another is to use one of my few vacation days a year to hang out with my friend(s) ALONE, instead of saving such rare time to enjoy with my wife (and this is even if my friends are males). If I ever told my wife: "I am going to use one week of my limited vacation time to live with my female friend ... EVERY YEAR!" she will certainly feel the urge to hang me up when I return.

The only continuous time I spend away from my wife is when I travel for work or when she goes to Russia to visit her family and I cannot go with her. Otherwise, I am her PRIORITY and she's mine. As such, the only vacation plan that is appropriate to make is WITH EACH OTHER.

Otherwise, we should not be married ... and she is 100% clear about that, because the sword cuts both ways.

Couldn't have said it better myself!

[Revenesque 2]

Looks like I'm late to the discussion! I'm glad things worked out for you, Justine. All the best with your marriage to David.

[*JG* 2]

My 3 best friends are guys.

You have to ask yourself this.....is it YOU or is it a trust issue? when you know that answer, you know your answer.

[justashooter 430]

"fandom" is another word for a fantasy based obsession.

people who travel for "fandom" are not as reality based as most who have replied to this thread, and have relationships that many would view as "unusual".

[Justine+David 218]

Well, that's your opinion, but I don't see anything wrong with chatting with other people about some books that I like and enjoying other people's creativity with art, music, and fiction writing...

That "fantasy-obsessed fandom" also just raised $33,000 for Haiti in under 6 hours yesterday...

http://thehpalliance.org/haiti

Additionally, there are many VJ couples that meet online through WoW (World of Warcraft) and other fantasy games and they seem to be well-adjusted folks. I think a relationship depends on the particular people involved, not their hobbies.

[chinese_mutt 11]

Alright, I've talked to him.

He's definitely willing to have her come over here or me go with him, but he's concerned about the principle behind everything.

He's said, "Why is it inappropriate?"

I didn't have much to tell him except that I can feel in my gut that it's inappropriate and in my mind thinking that most of you said so I told him to talk to his friends, talk to his parents, do his own research, and we'll talk about it later. He'll be coming over for a visit this week so it'll be a good time to talk about it in person.

Can you guys think of why it is inappropriate beyond this gut feeling?

I have no problem with him being friends with her or seeing her with me or being alone with her for a few hours, but a week alone is something else in my mind, though she does live on the other side of the country so it's not like it would make sense to fly out for a day.

To clarify about the 2 weeks thing...we went to California as girlfriend/boyfriend together at one of our fandom events for a week. The event was in the same city that she lived in and she spent the week with us as she is a member of the fandom too. Obviously I didn't know I was getting engaged and I already had my flight tickets back home, so it's nothing bad like that in that he only had 2 weeks and spent one with her...he had already visited me a few times that year where I lived and only saw her because we happened to be in the same city.

Thanks everyone your advice is invaluable. I've talked to my parents who agree with me along with one set of my married friends, but as I'm on the younger side (just barely mid-20s), I only have 2 set of friends that are married.

It is inappropriate because he is putting a lot of stress to the marriage by creating a scenario where he can get tempted. Whether he will or will not is beyond the point. ALways guard your marriage against infidelity, that's the cardinal rule! glad everything worked out though

Edited January 27, 2010 by chinese_mutt

[Fandango 1,440]

I also am late to the party, and I'm glad you worked it out and are feeling better about this....since we're talking about gut feelings, I have to say, my gut tells me you need to just still proceed with caution. When you initially said he was European, and after reading the scenario, I assumed for some reason he was not English, that it was some European country perhaps where you two had a language barrier, bigger culture barrier, etc. Right wrong or otherwise, that's what I thought. And I thought to myself 'this doesn't make much sense, but perhaps it's just not translating properly between the two'

I know there's still a culture barrier with US/UK, but I don't think it's as great to justify such a strange scenario....I don't think most adults should be told that going away twice a year to visit a 'friend' of the opposite sex for a week is appropriate. I really don't see where there needs to be this much conversation as to why it's so....I know everyone's different, but again, if you poll most married adults, I'd be willing to bet that most would find it absolutely inappropriate.

You mentioned you have a very well paying job, he hates his work, etc....was he planning to do all this travel on your dime? Someone mentioned 'piggybacking' and I hate to admit that's what conclusion I came to, but since she is a USC, that doesn't make sense...BUT...how are HER finances? Could she possibly support him the way you can? And do you have any idea how much time they spend talking/skyping/etc?

Do people lie? Yep. People lie, they cheat, etc. Engaged people, married people, etc. Problem is, when you're engaged to someone half the world away, you have to rely on quite a bit of trust, as you cannot see what is actually happening. Doesn't mean everyone lies or every relationship is doomed....most think 'oh not my fiance(e)'...until it slams you between the eyeballs.

I'm not telling you to dump your fiance or anything like that, but perhaps keeping an eye out as to warning signs in future might be a good thing.

Good luck.