Coping with the move from the UK to the US

[SunDrop 59]

I've just had a brief browse through a US to UK forum someone posted a link to in another thread and came across a discussion about preparing yourself for the big cultural change to come. I don't think that a 'things I love/ hate about America' is required, it's rather counter-productive but I'm still interested in hearing other Brits' take on matters.

I was interested in the perspectives on making friends, and how the English tend to make them young and keep them for life. Although I'm British, I grew up abroad and have found the same to be true for me despite having lived in London for 13 years now. When it comes to moving to the US, I know most of my fiance's friends and their girlfriends/ wives but they're "his". I have a school-age daughter, so that will help but I'm not a soccer mom type and doubt that I'll be as involved as I'd need to in order to make any good friends through school. I also have a fairly sociable hobby - scrapbooking - but I've yet to delve into it while in the States, so don't know what to expect there!

Other people mentioned finding shopping difficult in terms of adjusting and finding new brands. I realised this at Christmas when I was over there, how much longer it took me to do a 'quick' basics shop because I had to look at everything to choose my product, based on brand, price, offers, coupons, you name it. No 'just gonna run to the store to get xyz, back in 10 mins'! I know that Ry's mom will happily help, and I love her to bits, but I want to find my "own" brands, not create a home with my new husband that is a replica of his mother's.

And the other biggie they discussed was the sense of humour. Ry and I have a very similar sense of humour, but he's a very sarcastic guy by US standards. We often take the piss out of each other, in a non-insulting way (if that makes sense!) but I'm also aware that it comes across as rude to many Americans.

So please share your experiences, and how you plan to/ have learnt to cope and adapt.

[Claire and Troy 2]

Excellent topic.

I have been trying to prepare my fiancee for the change and obviously there's no way I can account for everything. What I've done so far is to locate places to get items from the UK such as world market and online shopping for food and other various sundries.

Another thing I've managed to do is making new friends local to our area from the UK. Even a few friends from VJ so they can share their experiences and talk about home and the adjustments they're making. I'm curious to hear what others are doing.

Thanks for starting this, SunDrop

[NotworkSte 19]

Hey there. I agree with Troy, excellent topic. I'll outline my experience so far - hopefully it might even be of some use!

I have been in the fortunate position to have had a job where I was able to work remotely, hence I spent a fair amount of time in the the US prior to visa approval. Always staying on the right side of legal of course, more out than in, and when it comes to work, I was also in the fortunate position to be employed by a company in Tampa and about 50% of my work at least involved meeting with vendors and colleagues. I elaborate here because working remotely could get you into trouble, so I was very careful here to stay on the "correct" side.

So when I knew I was moving over I started to establish personal friendships with co workers in Tampa, and also with some of the vendors. This was great, I had a couple of people outside of C and I marriage I could hang out with. I also made an effort to get on with her friends. Indeed one even flew to NI for our wedding, so we'd go out for dinner, a bar now and again, just casual social, and I was made to feel quite welcome.

Driving. So so so important. I started driving over here early. Going to the mall, I'll drive! Take Josie and her school friends to the cinema, I'll drive! Can't do anything without a car in Florida. Where there is a side walk, sure as night follows day, it will disappear, only to reappear a mile later. In the mean time one has to walk down the road avoiding the 90% of drivers that swerve all over the road because they are on their cellphone which is worse than the alligators... Seriously though, driving makes you feel less cooped up and more independent. If I didn't, I'd be relying on C to go anywhere and everywhere. It gives me the freedom to go do stuff myself.

Lastly, eating like a local. I pine for real bread, tayto crisps, a bloody battered sausage supper! But I deal with the sweet bread, crappy chocolate. hopeless excuse for bacon etc, learned to accept it for what it is, can't beat it, it is the way it is and it is, for better or worse, my home now. Looking at the flip side, some UK stuff might be better, but I come to realise some stuff here is great too, and what a price! Holy crapola, food bills cost less! Especially eating out.

And very last thing I promise. Retail therapy. Go buy some clothes. It makes me feel good and the added bonus of the prices as for food. :-)

[English Muffin 59]

Lastly, eating like a local. I pine for real bread, tayto crisps, a bloody battered sausage supper! But I deal with the sweet bread, crappy chocolate. hopeless excuse for bacon etc, learned to accept it for what it is, can't beat it, it is the way it is and it is, for better or worse, my home now. Looking at the flip side, some UK stuff might be better, but I come to realise some stuff here is great too, and what a price! Holy crapola, food bills cost less! Especially eating out.

This is a very good attitude to have and I'm so glad you mentioned it. There are certain foods that you won't be able to get here but it's best to just accept that as part of life and not let it become too much of an issue. Look forward to having the stuff you miss whenever you visit the UK but try not to think about it too much otherwise. No-one ever died because they couldn't get their favourite brand of chocolate.

[Kirsten UK 2]

There was only one bit of advice I was given on how to cope before I left by a very good friend of mine who herself had moved to England from South Africa. She said give it 2 years to adjust. Plain and simple, it will take time for it to feel like home when you can pop to the shops and know which brands are best, cheapest or to figure out the coupon systems and to know your way around. I'm clinging on to that advice and am prepared to give it time, it is so vastly different in NC to my former life in and around London that there simply is no point making comparisons, it would only serve to make me homesick.

I have been here 7 months and will finally start work this coming Monday. I did not expect to find a job right away but I did think it would be a bit quicker than this and I never expected to end up in a different field of work after spending most of my adult studying and working in a specific profession. This has been a source of upset for me but I am not going to give up, I WILL find a position that suits me, but I realise now it will simply take alot longer than I had hoped.

Driving. Well, I had never driven before I moved here as you don't need to when you work in London. So in October I got my permit and a week ago I got my license. I am still a very nervous driver and driving here on those huge multi-lanes and inter-sections terrifies me. When I have a bit more experience under my belt i'm sure i'll be able to enjoy the shopping out here a bit more and regain some of my independence. I feel like others that it is key to settling in here as the country is so vast and spread out that you have to drive in order to do even the most basic of tasks.

Friends. Well, I have my husbands friends and their wives, but they are not my friends, lovely though they are. Hopefully when I start work I will meet new people and have the opportunity to make friends of my own, but this again will take time to build relationships up to the level of my 'old' friends back home, and yes, it is still home. I have been quite isolated these past 7 months due to where I live and my inability to drive, but I do feel I have coped well with it and have kept busy by cooking, studying from home, and looking for work constantly online. Its amazing what you can find to do at home when its all you have. Facebook has been a godsend too.

Children. My daughter, who is 12, has settled in well. I can't think what could have happened if she hadn't, I don't honestly think I allowed myself to even consider it. She has made friends at school, is adjusting to the school system and has the most wonderful relationship with her new grandparents here. She is so close to my parents that that has been the hardest thing for her, not seeing them, especially at Christmas, it was bitter-sweet. But we call each other at least once a week for a very long chat and will in time be able to go home to England once a year. My Mum is planning to come and visit in the summer and we can't wait. I miss my father terribly but he is not well enough for the flights, so that bothers me immensely, so I feel an urge to go home constantly just to see him.

It didn't take me long to adjust to the climate - about as long as it takes to get off the plane and walk outside - I love it! I'm a sunbird and am never too hot, I can't wait for those 90 degree days to come back around!! The scenery, space, house, cost of living and way of life are all so wonderful, I love it for what it is and the beauty of NC never fails to amaze me. Its so different to my little part of Blighty, and I look forward to the day that it all seems 'normal' or just familiar.

So, after all my waffling, my only advice is this - give it time, don't expect things to work out overnight. I'm sure my friend is right, 2 years seems reasonable to me.

As for shopping, I still believe you can't beat ASOS.com for fashion, $6 international shipping and it arrives within a week. Maybe thats whats kept me going hehe!!

[FrostyMist 1]

Sometimes I find it all a pretty daunting idea. The thought of having to re-learn life skills, and possibly even develop entirely new ones...

When I went over to visit him in September 08, my fiance and I both felt it was very important to use the opportunity to prepare us both as best as it could for what life will be like when we're married. I won't claim for a minute that I was able to become even half prepared for the differences that I'm going to discover over the months that follow my move to the U.S., but at least I'm prepared for some of those things.

Because of my disability, I spend most of my days here in England housebound (unless I have need to go out, in which case, someone has to accompany me) therefore, sometimes I wonder whether the culture shock may not be as massive for me, as it is for anyone who's leaving behind independance, employment, etc, for their new life in the U.S.

For me, I think that the hardest things I will have to adjust to will be saying goodbye to my family, learning a new/different banking system, becoming familiar with the health care system, getting used to a new budget/having to share a budget with someone else (my fiance).

Most of those I'm just going to have to accept will take time and experience before I feel comfortable dealing with them. A priority my fiance and I have for helping me deal with seperation from my family is that we intend to establish a savings account with funds set aside so that if ever I need to take a trip back to England, then I can.

As for the food: well, a lot of the things I like here in the UK are very simple home made type foods anyways, so my fiance and I were very easily able to make the same foods over in the U.S. (and most of the time, they tasted the same, or even better, than what I was used to.) I'm going to miss Ribena terribly, since that's practically all I drink (though we did at least find a substitute that I didn't mind) and I refused to eat white eggs because I said they "look weird". But brown eggs can also be brought too, so my fiance humoured me and got me those instead. Bread tastes nasty, but I am not a huge bread fan anyways. I learnt that it's pretty okay when toasted, so that's not so bad for me. I missed the variaty of frozen/conveniance food that there seems to be in the UK. There just didn't seem to be as much in the way of ready made pies/meals and the sort. I think my fiance and I kinda handle the food differences as a sort of challange. If there's something I miss, then it becomes something of a "mission" for us to try to find some acceptable alternative. I'm prepared to have to do a lot of compromising and maybe settling for "poorer alternatives", and where possible, relying on my family to send over food hampers (or probably more likely, import stuff). Importing is expensive, but I think if our budget can stretch to afford it, especially over the first months of me being there, it will provide a bit of a cushion whilst I get used to leaving behind all those food-related things that cannot be replaced.

One thing I'm going to try and keep in mind that although there are foods in the UK that I am going to miss, there are also foods in the US that I will come to love (and which would not be available in the UK). I cannot wait to be able to buy boxes of cheez-its! They taste fantastic.

[Nik+Heather 121]

Practical: health insurance. Have a plan for this, because it can be expensive. I get mine through work, and I called well before to find out when coverage for Nik would start (on marriage date - if I got him enrolled within the right time frame), if non LPRs were covered (yes), and if he would need a social security number (required if he has one, otherwise, no-can be entered later). Nik got travel insurance to cover the gap.

We have had some success with meetup.com which gets recommended around here frequently. There were many scrapbooking clubs in Phoenix, I'm sure Tucson will have some too.

I would second the driving advice as well. Tucson is more friendly for cycling than Phoenix, and may have slightly better public transport, but it will be difficult to get around by yourself without that.

[NotworkSte 19]

On the driving front, something here bothers me though. The lack of blind spot eliminators in cars. Some cars have blind spots a car length long, it could be lethal! Is this the case with all cars or have I just gotten unlucky in the ones I have been in? Such a simple change could make a big difference.

[sachinky 465]

CHEEZ-ITS. AND CHEESYPUFFS. OMG.

Edited January 28, 2010 by sachinky

[Gemmie 142]

Like Kirsten, I was also given some advice from my friend in the UK who had moved from Japan. She told me that it is hard and you do get homesick, but just try to stay positive, and whenever you're having a bad day, just get some home comforts (in her case some green tea and biscuits) and think about how lucky you are to have such an opportunity. I wish I had paid more attention to her advice, because there were many things I could've done differently to make the adjustment easier.

Driving is SO important. I have never driven before in the UK because I didn't need to, but here you have to drive at least 20 minutes to get anywhere, even to the local supermarket. I'm taking my permit test today and then the family will take in turns teaching me until I feel ready to take the road test. Yes, it terrifies me because I've seen some really awful drivers out there, but I just have to learn to drive defensively. Obviously I'll be required to drive for work as well (interview tomorrow), so it is such a priority to do this. I wish I had started learning earlier than I did. I went through a stage where I didn't see the point in anything, and looking back, I see that I had been quite depressed because of the isolation and dependence on others. The ONLY way to break out of this is to get out there and learn to do things.

Friends. Unfortunately, my husband worked from home a lot on his last job, which means he didn't make any friends, and the ones he had from the job before that he had lost contact with. He's a pretty introverted guy anyway, so it didn't bother him too much, but it means I didn't really have anyone to talk to once I got here outside of my in-laws. I tried making friends with my MIL's friends, but because of how we're at different points in our lives, plus their extreme religious beliefs, there just wasn't anything in common, and I realised I had to make friends of my own. Hopefully I'll get that when I start working because it's really important to have someone to talk to. I agree that in the UK, people tend to have friends that stay that way for life, and in the US, I'm constantly being told that things change and people move on and make new friends.

Shopping isn't that bad once you forget what you're used to. I've become quite familiar with the brands that we eat now, so going to the supermarket to buy cheese is just as simple as it was back home (as long as you stick to the same brands). I've also gotten used to the pricing difference. When I first got here, everything seemed to cheap to me because I kept assuming that 1GBP=2USD, not taking into accounts the fall in exchange rates and difference in salary. Now I've learned what is expensive and what isn't. Eating out is MUCH cheaper in the US, and we can afford to go out a few times a week.

The humour thing... I have noticed a tiny difference, but that might be because of who is around me. My MIL told me she had noticed some resentment from me towards the Irish , and I didn't know how to explain to her that I was joking, it's normal for there to be some teasing among the English/Irish/French. Sometimes when me and my husband are playing around, I'll say something like "you're so gay" and everyone around us acts like I've said something really offensive. Or I'll joke about how he abuses me constantly, and get a serious response. Maybe these are not cultural differences though, because my husband shares this kind of banter with coworkers. I don't know.

All in all, my biggest advice (which I wish I had practised earlier) is to not let yourself become isolated because it leads to awful consequences. Get out there and adapt as quickly as possible.

[Fandango 1,440]

So so so important: get vonage, or some similar VoIP line. I say Vonage because I'm familiar with the service....$30/month, and you can call the UK for free. And I believe it's $5/month for a 'virtual number' so you could pick a number in your old exchange so it would be a local call for your friends back home to call you in America. Keeping touch and feeling connected with family/friends back home (I think) is pivotal to not feeling so isolated when you first get here.

[SunDrop 59]

So so so important: get vonage, or some similar VoIP line. I say Vonage because I'm familiar with the service....$30/month, and you can call the UK for free. And I believe it's $5/month for a 'virtual number' so you could pick a number in your old exchange so it would be a local call for your friends back home to call you in America. Keeping touch and feeling connected with family/friends back home (I think) is pivotal to not feeling so isolated when you first get here.

Does the local number get redirected to a phone in the US, or do you have to have it set up on your computer?

[Fandango 1,440]

Does the local number get redirected to a phone in the US, or do you have to have it set up on your computer?

It'll come to your phone. You can even divert it to your mobile, or another number!

[Fandango 1,440]

I no longer have vonage, I don't currently need it; However...it's also great because if you refer someone, I believe (IIRC) that you get a free month, and they do as well. If this regional forum wants to, you all should consider some sort of referral program amongst yourselves....might as well get some free months of airtime if you can!

[Brit Abroad 166]

Great thread!

I only really have four things to add:-

1. Skype - These days nearly everyone has, or has access to, a computer. Webcams are cheap and Skype allows you to "be there in person" in a free phone call. I can't imagine life without it, especially as someone who is at home alone all day.

2. Shopping - Make a list of the things that you buy on a regular basis. Not just by it's British name, but a description of the item itself. Ask your partner and his/her family to recommend an item based on the description. You will be amazed at how many times someone comes up with an alternative that you, somehow, don't notice when you're in a store here.

3. Expectation of parity- One thing that every Brit who has "settled in" will tell you is that the bread and chocolate suck. They don't just suck, they're terrible. BUT, there's an easy way out of it. A simple loaf of bread is incredibly easy to bake (if you want a foolproof recipe, PM me) and the ingredients are freely available here. What you cannot get here, ask your UK family to mail you as a semi-regular treat and return the favour by sending US-only items. Mine enjoy mailing chocolate and visitors ALWAYS arrive bearing chocolatey gifts of goodness, Indian spices and branston pickle.

4. Communication - It's incredibly easy to fall into the whiney "I miss X" stage without even noticing it. Of course you'll miss it. You may even miss it more than you would ordinarily simply because you have to actually THINK about shopping once again. Set yourself some goals for dealing with the differences - do some research on the internet about different cuts of meat (this helps more than you know, terminology varies hugely by location in the US and cuts are different in the US); search for a butcher or baker locally if you absolutely cannot find something you want. Occasionally, just knowing that you CAN get it, even if you rarely do, will ease some of the homesickness.

I used to complain of being housebound and feeling trapped because I couldn't really get out without a car. My husband gave in and bought me a runabout. Now he is amused by the fact that the car sits idle most days and yet I don't feel trapped anymore. It's taken me many months to be able to say to him "Knowing the car is there and I can get out at any time has given me the freedom and comfort of being able to stay home. It's by choice, not by necessity!" and he finally understands how much of it was homesickness and coping with "difference".

Identify what you need as your "comfort zone" for the move, and find a way to source it in America.