Once there here!

[Cheryl & Medo 3]

So Ladies....Please tell me once your husband has been here a year or so.....And they start to miss there momma and there family......Do they start getting a little crazy?....Now they don't like America or the people here?...... And there country is the best?........ Is this all husbands or just mine? .........Do I need to give him a pill to chill out? ......He is making me crazy.......I no longer can do anything right......And I know he feels alot of guilt, because mom crys on the phone every time they talk

[Muh and me 18]

Aw sorry Cheryl. Mine talks to his mom several times a week and he don't seem to miss Morocco at all. Or at least he don't say he does. I know he misses family but he talks to them every chance he gets. And it seems he don't care if we get back there at all. I figured that he'd be in a hurry to get there since its been more than 2 years. I'm the one thats antsy to get there its been almost 3 years for me. LOL.

[venusfire503 54]

So Ladies....Please tell me once your husband has been here a year or so.....And they start to miss there momma and there family......Do they start getting a little crazy?....Now they don't like America or the people here?...... And there country is the best?........ Is this all husbands or just mine? .........Do I need to give him a pill to chill out? ......He is making me crazy.......I no longer can do anything right......And I know he feels alot of guilt, because mom crys on the phone every time they talk

Cheryl,

I hope things work out for the two of you. My husband adjusted pretty well, but there have been some rough times. I think being on webcam with his family often has really helped. We were also able to visit his family after he had been here for about 16 months, which might have helped. More because his mom seemed to think she'd never see him again or something, I think. I don't know if a trip back home is possible for your husband, but if it is, I'd at least consider it. It seemed like my husband actually got a bit crabby after we came back, for a little while, so be prepared for that possibility.

Try not to take anything he says personally. I know I'd probably not react the best if I had to move to another country... I'm quite the homebody.

I'm sure others will have much more helpful suggestions. I remember some, like to help him find friends and activities. I don't know his situation, but you can try to figure out what issues might be bothering him. Since he's been here more than a year, some of these might not apply, but some possible problems (not necessarily for your man) would be not knowing the area yet, not having a job, not having friends, not knowing anyone here 'like him', feeling like people look at him funny because he looks different, hearing about things he didn't hear about in his country (like the shootings that make national news, or local murders, etc - esp depending on where you live), having a wife who works (if that's not 'the norm' in his country), missing family, missing the closeness he's used to (my husband often remarks how people don't really know their neighbors), any difficulties due to language/religion/culture differences....I'm sure the list can go on. Most men don't like to talk about what's bothering them, so we have to try to figure it out, and then often have to figure out how to help them without them taking it the wrong way. If your husband is open to discussing it, wait until he's in the right mood, and ask him if there's anything bothering him. Let him know how much you love him, and ... whatever is appropriate in your situation. I had about a month back in 2008 where I had to basically ignore what my husband said when he was upset. It really helped when I realized that I just needed to leave him alone when he got in a certain mood (he'd clam up) instead of trying to talk to him right then (which only made things worse).

Like I said, I'm sure others have helpful advice. Listen to what everyone has to say, think it over, and figure out what will work best in your situation. But most of all, give it time - it will likely get better. If it doesn't, definitely come back and ask again for advice.

Best of luck!

venusfire

[Mommy2ZaidnSalma 11]

Cheryl, its normal, and sadly can get worse. It does get better though, over time. Sof hasnt seen his family in 4 years and kind of came to terms with it. His family is here now ( me and zaid) and they made the decision to come, something they all have to realize.

[MrsAmera 41]

I agree with ZaidsMommy - my husband has gone back every year because he thinks he needs to and he gets super homesick and for me it's been easier to just say ok fine go back then to fight with him about it.

[Wantedtobelieve 4]

I agree with ZaidsMommy - my husband has gone back every year because he thinks he needs to and he gets super homesick and for me it's been easier to just say ok fine go back then to fight with him about it.

How do you afford those trips every year? By the time you add airline tickets, car rental, food, money for family, etc???? Of course, mine insists we he has to have all these things. A strange sense of entitlement...

[MrsAmera 41]

It's the only "extra" thing we spend money on really - he sends money home to his family but mostly only he goes home. We find cheap tickets and I shop all year long for gifts, and buy them when they're super cheap. He has a set amount of money that he takes with him and he has to be smart about how he spends it. We had to re-evaluate how we spent money in other areas and what we would put towards this. I did however know that when he came he would want to go back to visit, from seeing other people's stories in their adjustments I knew it would happen. I think he's now at the point where he isn't so set on going every year. He's now decided he won't go again until all of us can go together. He also felt entitled to this and in a way I know if the shoe were on the other foot I would feel the same way.

[Kenza 1]

When I was younger, my dad and I and sis would go every other year. My mom went in 2006 and it had been 7 years since she went back...

[Cheryl & Medo 3]

so.... Medo is saveing for his trip and has started to get gifts for the family. And I told him he needs to GO. Oh he also told me that I won't be going with him and that is O.K. we need a break from each other.....We work togeather live togeather everything togeather. April will be two years so he is over due. Also he has had it better then most men who come here. We have our own bissness. So he had a job right away. He bought a nice truck and starting to build his credit. But still complains Then blames me for causing problems Don't get me wrong we still have some great times and laugh........ But damn I swear he is the most STOBBORN man in the world..... Did I mention STUBBORN?Grrrrrrrrrrr

Thanks for listining laddies. I just had to vent.

[~*Dorothy*~ 2]

Breaks are good - at least in my life. I feel that some time apart can be a quite therapeutical for most relationships - especially if there are no children. Mu husband has been going home for Ramadan the first two years and I loved it - he enjoys the holiday much better and I'm able to have some me time as well so everyone is happy. He has been lucky to have jobs that let him go away for two months so it never was a problem. However with the economy in a dump last year he stayed around and I know that it was hard on both of us... With that said, every relationship is different and both parties must be on the same page to avoid unnecessary resentment or fighting.

Just my 2 "grosze"...

[sandinista! 1,816]

It's the only "extra" thing we spend money on really - he sends money home to his family but mostly only he goes home. We find cheap tickets and I shop all year long for gifts, and buy them when they're super cheap. He has a set amount of money that he takes with him and he has to be smart about how he spends it. We had to re-evaluate how we spent money in other areas and what we would put towards this. I did however know that when he came he would want to go back to visit, from seeing other people's stories in their adjustments I knew it would happen. I think he's now at the point where he isn't so set on going every year. He's now decided he won't go again until all of us can go together. He also felt entitled to this and in a way I know if the shoe were on the other foot I would feel the same way.

so are you saying your family then doesn't have extra money spent on them? you and the kids don't get extra money spent on you, it just goes towards his trips home? what about you, and the kids? do you guys get to go overseas every year to the country of your choosing? if bajih's 17 yr old son is way more than old enough to suck it up and adjust to his mother getting married, i would think a grown man with a wife and 2 children to support in the united states should be able to suck it up and adjust to the fact that he lives in the united states, and his wife and kids should be treated to lots of extras way before his whiny homesickness gets tended to. in our house, extra money gets spent on guitar lessons, gymnastics, baby gym, and family vacations where everyone comes along. every cent my husband makes goes towards his family. meaning his wife, and our children. i have to talk him into buying things for himself. either that, or just go buy it for him myself and surprise him with it when he gets home. not in a million years would it ever occur to him to force us to moderate all our other expenses around his going back to morocco every year funding.

[MrsAmera 41]

Yes well me and the kids are fine with the cardboard box he provides for us to sleep in. We love the ramen noodles and cabbage that keeps our diet balanced. At least I know he's happy......

Come on.

Have no fear my children are well taken care of and have everything they could want and more. I'm at no loss for anything either. Where did I say he forced us to do anything? This is not imposed on us - but something we agreed on. My husband's mother is ill and a widow and part of his homesickness is in part due to the fact he knows him mom is sick and he probably won't be there when she passes away. If sacrificing a few vacations or other items for now means that my husband spends time with his mother before she passes then far be it from me to stop that. He spends very little money on himself, and instead keeps it for his visits home. It's great that your spouse is the perfect man, if we all could be so lucky wouldn't the world be a wonderful place.

Also it's a long shot to even compare this with Bajih's situation. My opinion there is based on myself being a child of divorce and re-marriage and my feeling she shouldn't let her nearly adult son moderate her relationship. His non-acceptance of the situation was the reason she gave for the ulterior living arrangements.

[sandinista! 1,816]

where did i say you said he forced you to do anything? i asked questions. i didn't make unequivocal statements, i was asking you what you meant by "It's the only "extra" thing we spend money on really". people have different interpretations of what "extras" mean, and i was asking what you meant by it. nothing more. "it's been easier to just say ok fine go back then to fight with him about it" sounds freaking manipulated and coerced to me, but what the hell do i know? that's what you said this morning anyways. how was i supposed to know that would all change when you posted this evening?

[MrsAmera 41]

so are you saying your family then doesn't have extra money spent on them? you and the kids don't get extra money spent on you, it just goes towards his trips home? what about you, and the kids? do you guys get to go overseas every year to the country of your choosing? if bajih's 17 yr old son is way more than old enough to suck it up and adjust to his mother getting married, i would think a grown man with a wife and 2 children to support in the united states should be able to suck it up and adjust to the fact that he lives in the united states, and his wife and kids should be treated to lots of extras way before his whiny homesickness gets tended to. in our house, extra money gets spent on guitar lessons, gymnastics, baby gym, and family vacations where everyone comes along. every cent my husband makes goes towards his family. meaning his wife, and our children. i have to talk him into buying things for himself. either that, or just go buy it for him myself and surprise him with it when he gets home. not in a million years would it ever occur to him to force us to moderate all our other expenses around his going back to morocco every year funding.

There ya go - not sure why you got all up in arms about this, as far as I know I haven't ever attacked you. That being said, yea maybe extra does mean something for different people. Our needs are attended to but imo extra extends out a long way. I could want things for forever - what we need is another issue. I believe that Wantedtobelieve and Cheryl and Medo both said that the going home is an issue that is argued about - guess what it is/was in my house too, doesn't mean I was forced or coerced to do anything. I just said that it was easier to come to some compromise for the time being than to argue about it. From now on I'll make sure to spell things out so as not to garner any confusion.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

There ya go - not sure why you got all up in arms about this, as far as I know I haven't ever attacked you. That being said, yea maybe extra does mean something for different people. Our needs are attended to but imo extra extends out a long way. I could want things for forever - what we need is another issue. I believe that Wantedtobelieve and Cheryl and Medo both said that the going home is an issue that is argued about - guess what it is/was in my house too, doesn't mean I was forced or coerced to do anything. I just said that it was easier to come to some compromise for the time being than to argue about it. From now on I'll make sure to spell things out so as not to garner any confusion.

Cheryl Mido have a business and they also dont have kids together.. Thats alot different than being the mom of small kids and not having alot of money and a husband demanding to go home instead of realising that you cant afford it...Thats selfish and you are being a very big person to take care of his needs and making sacrifices so he can be happy