Transition time for kids

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Wow. pushover mom. immature kid. Why the negative?

As always, thanks for the enlightening conversation. I have to laugh though about this misconception that I am some pushover mom letting my immature kids run the place. Ha ha! They wish!

My SO and I knew we were going to do some sort of transition period WAY before I even talked to my kids about him even coming here. We talked about it when I was in Syria with him. I allow my kids their feelings BUT AT THE SAME TIME I do what I want and what I feel is best for my family.

...and if you want to talk about REAL pushover moms and immature children, do I have stories to tell you.. I have been a middle school science teacher for 15 years. I have seen it ALL.

..now don't get me started on my extended family and their reaction...

Baj

With all due respect, you framed your issue in a way that opened the door for the assessments that you now question how they came about. People read from their own perspectives, not just the OP's, so there is nothing unusual about receiving positive, negative or mixed feedback.

No doubt everyone here wishes you well, but we each come at your problem, as stated, from our individual perspectives, and provide feedback accordingly. You are blessed to have so many who care enough about you to respond.

[sandinista! 1,816]

That is your opinion and you're entitled to it, but the question asked wAs what do I do about my son's resistance to my relationship? One measure suggested was to house her SO in a separate area until tensions could ease and he could be introduced slowly to her son, who, unlke her daughter, has not attempted to acquaintant himself with her intended.

So, from the explanation offered in the OP, it is not at all unreasonable to prioritize the son's issues over their sleeping arrangements. Since she is interested inalleviating his anguish to the point of putting the man she PLANS to marry after importing him for that intent, not to assess IF she will marry him, my concern is for how long she is willing to wait for her son to come around and whether this man, who is giving up his life to come here, could be bargained away if the son refuses to accept him. If she is so worried about his feelings and her ability to bring him around, then their plans to marry are indeed not firm or concrete. It is not unreasonable to wonder why this situation was left to fester until her SO received his visa.

Whatever they decide is certainly up to them, but, when a USC applies for a K1, and makes a successful effort to get their SO a visa, it is not uncommon to assume that they sincerely intend to make a life together. All this bluster over sleeping arrangements misses the point that a child's reluctance to enjoy his mother's happiness, and, instead, mitigate it to draw attention to himself is a manipulation that could indeed throw a monkey wrench into their plans to marry.

If being a good mom means that one put one's plans aside to atend to a child's feelings, fine. That is a legitimate choice. But to ignore that possibility when assessing the situation is unrealistic. If one prefers to focus on sleeping arrangements, fine. I see that as a secondary issue in light of the fact that at some point, the son's feelings either will end their engagement, support it, or, if not assuaged, be relegated to a non-issue so that the wedding can proceed. If he doesn't come around, how does a mom who prioritizes his feelings over her wish to marry suddenly ignore his feelings for her own? She doesn't. She chooses between them, and that makes this arrangement an experiment, not a commitment to the man who has come here with a purpose.

So, let's stop pretending with righteous indignation that I am condoning sex before marriage or any other sort of disrespect to any party. It should be clear to a mature mind that I am not. I am simply asking "What if? And that is a perfectly valid question.

i don't see it as an experiment, i see it as a process. and again, no one thinks that yr suddenly down with unmarried cohabitation. we just prioritize it differently in our reading of this particular situation.

[MrsAmera 41]

Doesn't happen often but I have to agree with Sofiyya. It does sound like the OP and her man have talked about this however and he's not going to be surprised to find seperate accomodations. My only concern was her catering to her son who I feel is way more than old enough to suck it up and adjust to the fact that mom is getting re-married. That's all

[Olive♥ 2]

I think it is very kind and conciderate of you and your fiance to allow for a smooth and gradual adjustment on behalf of your kids especially your son. He sounds very sensitive (which I think is a good trait) and being a guy (I have a son as well) and with your past experience with your ex (been there too) It is possible that your son needs to trust this new guy with his mom. Kids are alot more effected by our relationships than we realise. What you as his mother do will effect his feelings in his future. God bless you for being sensitive to your childrens needs It makes for a stronger relationship in the long run. You have your whole life together... this is just a part of that journey

Not sure if this would be best to put in a k-1 forum or here- but I feel I know you all better here.. Sorry this is long, but I am pretty emotional right now and need to share with someone. Hopefully some of you have been here and can help.

I need some support in helping my 17 year old with the upcoming and eventual transition. He is not taking it well. He will not talk to me about it; but he did cry tonight when I told him the upcoming news. He has known about this for a long time, but has never really shared with me his feelings. I know this upsets him . I told him that I understand and that it is okay to have feelings- and that I would love for him to share.. but he has not shared how he is feeling. I was able to get something out of him about "afraid of change". I reassured him constantly tonight that I will always love him no matter what; I respect his feelings; and I know that this will be awkward for a while but that is okay. I did everything I thought I should do in terms of comforting him and validating his feelings.

My kids have known about this relationship since day 1- however, they have never met Ghassan in person. My daughter has formed an online relationship with him and is more comfortable. She knows the person he is. My son has not done this.

I do not know if my son is afraid to get close to another male in my life (my ex left us and never does anything with my son anymore -not his dad) or if he is afraid of the tension in the house again (my ex has some major issues which left the house feeling thick and tense a lot of the time)... I do not know what to do.. or if there is anything more I can do... except reassure him; validate his feelings; and know things will be bumpy for a while and pray they work on in the long run. We plan on having Ghassan sublease an apartment for a while so we can all make a smoother transition.

Anyone else go through this? My heart is breaking. This is all so bittersweet. I am exciting about starting my new life with my honey; but at the same time I am concerned and worried about my kids and how they are taking this. I want to do the best I can do. Is this the transition pain or should I be more concerned? In the end, we ended up talking about his FB page and he went to his dads- but not after we had a hug and shared "i love you's". My son is a great kid and I want to help him with this.

Thanks for any advice!

Baj

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Wow. pushover mom. immature kid. Why the negative?

As always, thanks for the enlightening conversation. I have to laugh though about this misconception that I am some pushover mom letting my immature kids run the place. Ha ha! They wish!

My SO and I knew we were going to do some sort of transition period WAY before I even talked to my kids about him even coming here. We talked about it when I was in Syria with him. I allow my kids their feelings BUT AT THE SAME TIME I do what I want and what I feel is best for my family.

...and if you want to talk about REAL pushover moms and immature children, do I have stories to tell you.. I have been a middle school science teacher for 15 years. I have seen it ALL.

..now don't get me started on my extended family and their reaction...

Baj

How does your extended family feel about the relationship? Are they the family of your son or you?Are they close with him?How close in age are you to Ghassan? Are your children muslim as well? Are you planning on having children with Ghassan?Does your Mom and Dad approve of the relationship? Its difficult to assess the situation because your son may be picking up on cues from other people in the family.