Transition time for kids

[Sofiyya 1,687]

I find it refreshing that two unmarried (assumption based on K1 being type of visa applied for) )people aren't shacking up before marriage, and I think it shows a great deal of respect for yourselves and your families.

Anyone here who knows me knows I am not for shacking up. But, when you bring a person to a new country with the intent of marrying, not just dating, that is a big move and it is not the same as shacking up. To leave them on their own to assuage a kid's manipulation is not a healthy start.

Edited January 22, 2010 by Sofiyya

[Bajih 4]

Thank you everyone for your wonderful thoughts and ideas. You have given me a lot to think about.

Wow, I really and truly didn't think this whole living situation would be voted down by so many! I guess I still have a hard time understanding that. I am going to talk to Ghassan about it tonight. We both made this decision in the best interest of the kids. It is not disrespectful- There are people involved in this decision of ours to get married. They are a big part of my life and I have to be respectful of their feelings; but at the same time let them know that it is happening and that I deserve to have someone in my life to love and grow old with. I am trying to balance these two things...

Some of this "respect" issue may have to do with my own personal experiences as a teenager with a mother who remarried and I was pretty much "forced" to like. I have had many therapy sessions over that and I am trying to avoid that same thing with my son.

Ghassan and I are aware of the major transition this will be in their lives- and to just have him show up one day at the door just seems so harsh to me. This was a part of our transition phase. Temporary... but maybe we need to rethink how long it should be. We do believe in the power of modeling how to live- and insha'Allah both my kids will see that this is a positive change!

Thank you for giving me something to think about.

Baj

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Maybe you should wait until your children are grown to remarry . . .

[Bajih 4]

LOL- that is funny Soffiyah.

I should wait until my kids are grown to remarry because I want to make this transition smoother for them?

Naw, I believe in my kids and in my relationship. God is first and foremost and with His grace, He gives us love. With that, ALL things are possible. Just because a road in life may be a little bumpy doesn't mean you shouldn't travel it. I look forward to it. It is a fresh new road ready for us to explore together.

Thanks though!

[Sofiyya 1,687]

LOL- that is funny Soffiyah.

I should wait until my kids are grown to remarry because I want to make this transition smoother for them?

Naw, I believe in my kids and in my relationship. God is first and foremost and with His grace, He gives us love. With that, ALL things are possible. Just because a road in life may be a little bumpy doesn't mean you shouldn't travel it. I look forward to it. It is a fresh new road ready for us to explore together.

Thanks though!

That, I agree with. I'm just wondering what happens if your son continues to lead. Does your SO stay in the sublet? I don't mean to sound harsh, and I don't know how far along you are in the process, but this something that you should have considered before planning to marry someone you couldn't introduce to your family in a more traditional manner.

Edited January 22, 2010 by Sofiyya

[Salam24 0]

Anyone here who knows me knows I am not for shacking up. But, when you bring a person to a new country with the intent of marrying, not just dating, that is a big move and it is not the same as shacking up. To leave them on their own to assuage a kid's manipulation is not a healthy start.

I wouldn't characterize having a grown man live (that might be limited to sleeping) in his own apartment for 90 days or less as leaving him alone. If he is not capable of living in his own apartment until they get married, then maybe he shouldn't be moving to a foreign country. The OP didn't say that her fiance was going to let an apartment miles away from her and that she would not have contact with him until her son became more comfortable with the relationship.

In some circumstances it could be "unhealthy" for children to have a strange man move into their home. It also might be "unhealthy" for the immigrant to be dealing not only with homesickness and culture shock but also with a sullen teenager 24/7. The arrangement proposed by the OP might make her fiance's adjustment easier.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

I wouldn't characterize having a grown man live (that might be limited to sleeping) in his own apartment for 90 days or less as leaving him alone. If he is not capable of living in his own apartment until they get married, then maybe he shouldn't be moving to a foreign country. The OP didn't say that her fiance was going to let an apartment miles away from her and that she would not have contact with him until her son became more comfortable with the relationship.

In some circumstances it could be "unhealthy" for children to have a strange man move into their home. It also might be "unhealthy" for the immigrant to be dealing not only with homesickness and culture shock but also with a sullen teenager 24/7. The arrangement proposed by the OP might make her fiance's adjustment easier.

Will he be less of a stranger to him living in another abode in the 90 days they have to marry? I doubt it. I also doubt that you would appreciate being treated in such a manner if the shoe was on the other foot.

Edited January 22, 2010 by Sofiyya

[Sofiyya 1,687]

PS - He is coming here to marry her, not to maybe marry her. It's not like there is no timeline, it's either a done deal in 90 days or less or it's over. If it's only a try-out, I missed that announcement. Making a man your husband and your children's stepfather is not something you experiment with, especially when he comes here dependent on you for a home. Putting so much on how the son feels makes the whole proposition an ambiguous one, puts too much control in the kid's hands and leaves plenty of room for backing out.

Edited January 22, 2010 by Sofiyya

[SunDrop 59]

There are lot of issues that your son might be contending with that haven't been raised here yet. My circumstance is different as not only is my daughter younger (10) but she's met and spent a lot of time with my fiance and adores him. She still has reservations and anxiety about our impending move, and I know that there is going to be issues that she hasn't considered that we will have to overcome. She's expressed concern that once we're all living together, she's going to miss 'just us'. Even with reassurance that we'll have girly time together, she's aware that her domestic life, and the only one she really remembers, will never be the same.

I don't know how long it's been since your ex left, nor what your son's father is like, but it sounds as though your son has been 'the man of the house' for a little while at least. I would guess that he is not only respectful of you but also very protective. He's in a difficult position as he has nothing but negative experiences to draw from your past relationships and has nothing to tell him that this one will be any different. And yet he knows that he's essentially incapable of protecting you. It must be a source of anxiety for him. Truthfully only time is going to remedy this. He needs to see that you are happy and safe because if he starts liking the guy and it goes south, he'll be let down and hurt again. It's also possible he feels as though he's being evicted, which essentially he is, from his role as man of the house. He's been the only constant male figure in your life and he's essentially being replaced.

Since he's never really spoken with your fiance, he has no idea what kind of man he is. He has no idea of what to expect as far as having a new parental figure. You don't want to be delivering the whole "I know that I'm not your father and I'm not going to try and fill his shoes.." speech, but you do need to establish very firm rules as a family by general consensus what role your fiance is going to play in domestic decision making and discipline as required. I don't know how much experience of children your fiance has, and also how cohesive his notions of parenting are to yours but this definitely needs to be discussed before he even enters the country.

As far as living apart for a short while at first, I understand why but in my opinion, it should only be for sleeping. Your fiance needs to be involved in all aspects of your daily life and routine, be present at the breakfast table, go grocery shopping with you, hang out with your kids watching TV and other situations that don't force conversation unless it happens naturally.

Your son will most probably relax once he sees you happy. So far, this relationship from his perspective, has involved a great deal of stress and worry by way of the immigration process.

The only other thing that comes to mind is that he's having problems with comments being made by friends and acquaintances about your fiance's origins. Again, I don't know about your family's background, but there is a lot of ignorance and teenagers are easily led in their opinion and world perspective. I had a comment passed in front of my daughter in a store during our last visit, when they couldn't help me and were directing me to another store who might be able to, and another customer said, "yeah, but she doesn't speak the right kind of English to go there." Whatever the heck that was supposed to mean, my daughter walked out with me and said, "are we really not allowed to go there? You'll have to fake an American accent, Mummy!" It stuck with her for a couple of days, as she kept mulling over it and what did he mean, why did he say it, why wasn't I angry because it was rude... My point is that even adults say darnright stupid things sometimes and although my skin is much thicker than to be upset by it, but I remember experiencing prejudice as a kid growing up and it really hurting that I was being teased for something over which I had absolutely no control.

Finally, your son is essentially moving on and out, as he should. He is unlikely to ever have a very close relationship with your fiance, other than hopefully a respectful friendship unless he's going to university locally and stays living at home.

Not sure that there's much good advice in all that, but maybe some perspective that could be helpful...

[zahrasalem 114]

Baji, insha'allah your kids and fiance will be comfortable with each other and develop strong relationships sooner rather than later. Once your son actually meets your fiance, they may just hit it off really well. Even if it takes a while, i think everything will be fine.

I have a 5 year old daughter, and she & Ahmed have developed a great relationship with all 3 of us being online everyday for over a year. She's crazy about him and she listens to him better than to her own dad, and Ahmed loves kids and family and is a very patient person (even with me...lol!) and he's so great with her.

Occasionally she tells me she's a little nervous that i will forget to take of her when he gets here, but everyday i always make sure i reassure her that will never, never happen. She's also getting excited at the thought of possibly having a new brother or sister in the near future, insha'allah.

I think as long as we keep the same close connection with our kids as before our SO's arrived, and i know the transition will never really "end", but I think relationships should be good, even great, insha'allah

[Bajih 4]

Thank you all for your comments.

Sundrop- I appreciate your thoughts and reflection on what my son may be thinking. You are right. He has been the "man" around here for a while..and I think you hit it on the nail with the idea that he may be protective of me and worried.

This temporary living arrangement is just for sleeping. We plan to be involved in each other's life from the minute he steps off the plane. I plan to have him here; us going places; the whole 9-yards. I am trying to be sensitive to the feelings of my children (which all good parents SHOULD) while at the same time being sensitive to my new relationship and making a transition that works for us as a family.

Baj

[Sofiyya 1,687]

I'm Arab and was not raised in a culture that allows children much control over adults' decision making, so I guess I don't fit in with how many Americans do things. I'm sorry, but when a parent starts using the child to put distance between the adults, I get suspicious . . .

Anyway, I will always pray that things work out for the best, insha'allah.

[Muh and me 18]

Thank you all for your comments.

Sundrop- I appreciate your thoughts and reflection on what my son may be thinking. You are right. He has been the "man" around here for a while..and I think you hit it on the nail with the idea that he may be protective of me and worried.

This temporary living arrangement is just for sleeping. We plan to be involved in each other's life from the minute he steps off the plane. I plan to have him here; us going places; the whole 9-yards. I am trying to be sensitive to the feelings of my children (which all good parents SHOULD) while at the same time being sensitive to my new relationship and making a transition that works for us as a family.

Baj

Good luck Bajih! I think you have the right idea. Indeed I do beleive that your son has been the man of the house for so long, he probably is very protective of you. And I also think that he may be jealous of another man moving in on his territory. I hope things work out for you and in time yor son comes to accept your fiance.

[zahrasalem 114]

I'm Arab and was not raised in a culture that allows children much control over adults' decision making, so I guess I don't fit in with how many Americans do things. I'm sorry, but when a parent starts using the child to put distance between the adults, I get suspicious . . .

Anyway, I will always pray that things work out for the best, insha'allah.

I can relate to your experiences growing up, my father especially was very strict in the sense that we were not allowed to talk back or be defiant in any way, we just automatically knew to behave and not even test his patience! Ahmed was raised the same way, but i'm so happy that he has more patience and doesn't have a short temper like my father. we have the same views on raising children, i think that is sooooo important before you get married if you plan on having children together.

Edited January 22, 2010 by zahrasalem

[Sofiyya 1,687]

I can relate to your experiences growing up, my father especially was very strict in the sense that we were not allowed to talk back or be defiant in any way, we just automatically knew to behave and not even test his patience! Ahmed was raised the same way, but i'm so happy that he has more patience and doesn't have a short temper like my father. we have the same views on raising children, i think that is sooooo important before you get married if you plan on having children together.

I wasn't that strict, nor were my parents, but I'm old school and the boundaries between parents and children were sharper than they are now. Being friends with your kids wasn't good parenting when my kids were young. This culture is big on feelings, and that's just something I don't relate to. Palestinians as a group tend to do what needs to get done and how we feel about it is a luxury. It's just different here. Responding to these kinds of situations just reminds me of how not American I am culturally and how that comes across as "unfeeling". Oh, well . . . .