Transition time for kids

[venusfire503 54]

Thank you all for your comments.

Sundrop- I appreciate your thoughts and reflection on what my son may be thinking. You are right. He has been the "man" around here for a while..and I think you hit it on the nail with the idea that he may be protective of me and worried.

This temporary living arrangement is just for sleeping. We plan to be involved in each other's life from the minute he steps off the plane. I plan to have him here; us going places; the whole 9-yards. I am trying to be sensitive to the feelings of my children (which all good parents SHOULD) while at the same time being sensitive to my new relationship and making a transition that works for us as a family.

Baj

Baj,

You would know better than any of us what is best for you and your family.

I personally see nothing wrong with sleeping in separate homes until marriage, especially when you're trying to teach certain things to a teenager! If I had the means, my SO would've stayed elsewhere before we married. Since it wasn't really practical, we made sure the children knew we were sleeping separately because that was important to us. I also think it's a wonderful idea to let the soon-to-be step-parent and child(ren) ease into the relationship. My older two had no problems, but my youngest was quite wary of this new man in the house - she was only 3 at the time. It broke his heart, but he took my advice to leave her alone. After maybe a week, SHE approached HIM, and she's been attached to him ever since.

People should keep in mind that we don't really know anything about any of you. You didn't specify exactly WHY you two would sleep in separate residences, and only you need to know why. I didn't get the feeling that you were letting your son run your life. That could be - how would I know? But it is just as likely you want to do it for one or more other reasons. We also don't know how your SO feels about it, either. It's possible HE is in favor of not co-habitating - even if you didn't sleep in the same bed. We have no idea how conservative either of you are. Or, as someone mentioned, maybe your SO also wants time to ease into life with a 'new' teen, as well.

I do agree that it's not a good idea to make arrangements to cater to a child. It's good to consider a child's feelings, but not to let them run your life.

All of that being said, I wish you the best of luck. It's good that you're thinking ahead!

venusfire

[morocco4ever 63]

I happen to see Sofiyya's side on this. When I first divorced I thought I was doing my kids a favor by not bringing any man around until they were old enough. What I thought was considering them turned out to be a huge mistake on my part. My kids, now adults, expected me to always be the same person I was as I was raising them, totally devoted to just them. And are still to this day having a difficult time accepting my choice to marry. I wish I could go back now and bring more people around so that they would understand that mom does have, and deserves, a life outside of her kids.

Wishing you the best on whatever you decide.

Edited January 22, 2010 by morocco4ever

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Baj,

You would know better than any of us what is best for you and your family.

I personally see nothing wrong with sleeping in separate homes until marriage, especially when you're trying to teach certain things to a teenager! If I had the means, my SO would've stayed elsewhere before we married. Since it wasn't really practical, we made sure the children knew we were sleeping separately because that was important to us. I also think it's a wonderful idea to let the soon-to-be step-parent and child(ren) ease into the relationship. My older two had no problems, but my youngest was quite wary of this new man in the house - she was only 3 at the time. It broke his heart, but he took my advice to leave her alone. After maybe a week, SHE approached HIM, and she's been attached to him ever since.

People should keep in mind that we don't really know anything about any of you. You didn't specify exactly WHY you two would sleep in separate residences, and only you need to know why. I didn't get the feeling that you were letting your son run your life. That could be - how would I know? But it is just as likely you want to do it for one or more other reasons. We also don't know how your SO feels about it, either. It's possible HE is in favor of not co-habitating - even if you didn't sleep in the same bed. We have no idea how conservative either of you are. Or, as someone mentioned, maybe your SO also wants time to ease into life with a 'new' teen, as well.

I do agree that it's not a good idea to make arrangements to cater to a child. It's good to consider a child's feelings, but not to let them run your life.

All of that being said, I wish you the best of luck. It's good that you're thinking ahead!

venusfire

I got something different out of the original post than you did, and I see the arrangement as unfair to her man, and frankly, to her son. No one even said they SHOULD sleep together, but to put him in a separate apartment is a bit extreme. Where does that end if the son is still upset about her remarriage in 90 days? At some point you gotta fish or cut bait. Sure, we don't know the whole story, only what is revealed and that's all we can answer to. She asked for opinions and we can only go by what she told us and fill in the holes.

Edited January 22, 2010 by Sofiyya

[Sofiyya 1,687]

I happen to see Sofiyya's side on this. When I first divorced I thought I was doing my kids a favor by not bringing any man around until they were old enough. What I thought was considering them turned out to be a huge mistake on my part. My kids, now adults, expected me to always be the same person I was as I was raising them, totally devoted to just them. And are still to this day having a difficult time accepting my choice to marry. I wish I could go back now and bring more people around so that they would understand that mom does have, and deserves, a life outside of her kids.

Wishing you the best on whatever you decide.

If kids are raised right, they grow up to be competent, independent adults who can handle their feelings in a mature manner. We want to be friends with them when they're young, make them feel safe, but, for a lot of kids, if they have their way, mommy will go no where and do nothing without their permission. I feel for you, sis. Out of five, I have one like that and it is disconcerting. We mean well, but that doesn't always turn out right. That's life.

[natty bumppo 297]

If kids are raised right, they grow up to be competent, independent adults who can handle their feelings in a mature manner. We want to be friends with them when they're young, make them feel safe, but, for a lot of kids, if they have their way, mommy will go no where and do nothing without their permission. I feel for you, sis. Out of five, I have one like that and it is disconcerting. We mean well, but that doesn't always turn out right. That's life.

parents should be parents first ... friends come later.

it's a weird relationship that i hope i can make with my boys as we get older.

isa and i have the boys ... but we also have each other. it's important to them that they understand that m&d have needs too

oh well ... that's my .02 ....

[Sofiyya 1,687]

parents should be parents first ... friends come later.

it's a weird relationship that i hope i can make with my boys as we get older.

isa and i have the boys ... but we also have each other. it's important to them that they understand that m&d have needs too

oh well ... that's my .02 ....

Parents are the foundation of a family. They have to be strong and hold tight together coz everything else is built upon their leadership.

[Jenn! 918]

I also don't see how the decision for the SO to live elsewhere temporarily is catering to her son. Never bringing a man around and having a virtual stranger move in are opposite extremes. I don't get the impression that it's a trial run with final approval for the move in to be granted by the son. He WILL move in, the OP and her SO have decided to attempt to make the transition smoother, to make the situation a little more "normal". Maybe her son does have some growing up to do, but I think that's an issue independent of the initial living arrangement. Is saying, "This is my Iraqi fiance who will be ypour stepfather in 90 days, deal with it." really the best way to exert parental authority?

[morocco4ever 63]

I also don't see how the decision for the SO to live elsewhere temporarily is catering to her son. Never bringing a man around and having a virtual stranger move in are opposite extremes. I don't get the impression that it's a trial run with final approval for the move in to be granted by the son. He WILL move in, the OP and her SO have decided to attempt to make the transition smoother, to make the situation a little more "normal". Maybe her son does have some growing up to do, but I think that's an issue independent of the initial living arrangement. Is saying, "This is my Iraqi fiance who will be ypour stepfather in 90 days, deal with it." really the best way to exert parental authority?

I certainly see your point, but it isn't as if he didn't know about what is impending, and she just drop the bomb that in 90 days he will be here. The boy just chose not to express his feeling about it soon enough to be dealt with beforehand.

Her job as a parent is indeed to make sure his needs are met. But sacrificing yourself in all situations to accommodate a child isn't always what is best for the child. Will that happen in all situations when he is an adult? Of course not. Basically it is her responsibility to ensure his needs are met. It is also her responsibility to teach him that life isn't always going to be easy, and that he needs to learn to accept that changes are going to happen. Sometimes being a parent and teaching your children involves thinking of yourself as well. How else is a child going to learn that a parent is more than just their parent?

I will say that the OP is a great mom. She is doing her best to make sure that this transition goes smoothly for everyone, and that it isn't all about what she wants, but what is best for everyone involved. I give her great admiration for that.

I will add that being the best parent you can be isn't all black and white, and sometimes a mom has to make some very difficult decisions. It is by far the hardest job I have ever tackled.

[caybee 21]

I can't speak to the issues with your son because I've never been through that from either side, but I feel for you, and I hope he becomes more comfortable quickly.

As for living separately, we did that when my then-fiancé arrived at the request of my parents -- he moved into our apartment and I stayed half a mile away with my sister until the wedding. I had very mixed feelings about this, as my husband had never slept in an empty house, and here he was in a new country. But he had a cell phone from the first day, and I was at the apartment first thing in the morning and last thing at night. It caused no trouble with AOS. Living separately and going to premarital counseling were the only requests my parents made, and though we might have done things differently without their input, we don't regret it.

[Jenn! 918]

I certainly see your point, but it isn't as if he didn't know about what is impending, and she just drop the bomb that in 90 days he will be here. The boy just chose not to express his feeling about it soon enough to be dealt with beforehand.

Her job as a parent is indeed to make sure his needs are met. But sacrificing yourself in all situations to accommodate a child isn't always what is best for the child. Will that happen in all situations when he is an adult? Of course not. Basically it is her responsibility to ensure his needs are met. It is also her responsibility to teach him that life isn't always going to be easy, and that he needs to learn to accept that changes are going to happen. Sometimes being a parent and teaching your children involves thinking of yourself as well. How else is a child going to learn that a parent is more than just their parent?

I will say that the OP is a great mom. She is doing her best to make sure that this transition goes smoothly for everyone, and that it isn't all about what she wants, but what is best for everyone involved. I give her great admiration for that.

I will add that being the best parent you can be isn't all black and white, and sometimes a mom has to make some very difficult decisions. It is by far the hardest job I have ever tackled.

I agree already and I've only had a taste!

I see your point as well. As with all things, it's all about striking the right balance. I also get the point a PP made, that he is 17 years old, not 7. Heck, at 17 I wasn't even living at home anymore.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I can't speak to the issues with your son because I've never been through that from either side, but I feel for you, and I hope he becomes more comfortable quickly.

As for living separately, we did that when my then-fiancé arrived at the request of my parents -- he moved into our apartment and I stayed half a mile away with my sister until the wedding. I had very mixed feelings about this, as my husband had never slept in an empty house, and here he was in a new country. But he had a cell phone from the first day, and I was at the apartment first thing in the morning and last thing at night. It caused no trouble with AOS. Living separately and going to premarital counseling were the only requests my parents made, and though we might have done things differently without their input, we don't regret it.

good to hear!

ya, It is a different animal with a K1 and glad to be wrong on this one

Edited January 22, 2010 by Y's_habibitk

[venusfire503 54]

I also look at it this way. If I had fallen in love with a USC, I wouldn't have had him move in without meeting the children at least a few times first. With an international relationship, we don't always have the same options, so we work with what we have, and do what we can. I would've loved to take the children there to meet him before the visa, but that wasn't an option. Again, it all depends on the particulars of the situation.

I'm also not saying it's impossible to have the SO move in right away and still have things work out ok.

What I think we are all agreeing on is as long as the adults are the ones in charge, but the children are being considered, then that's what is best.

Yes, moms are prone to sacrificing their own happiness for their children. We just have to make sure to keep it in balance. If I didn't care about my children, I probably would've just stayed in Morocco for all or most of the wait for the visa. If I only thought about my children, I probably wouldn't have gone to Morocco at all. So instead, I felt a little guilty when I did go there, and missed my kids, and cried sometimes. When I was here, I missed my SO and cried sometimes (especially when my kids weren't with me). Now I'm happy that we're all together.

Best of luck to OP (and everyone else). This whole journey is difficult, and requires some creativity, patience, etc.

venusfire

[sandinista! 1,816]

Will he be less of a stranger to him living in another abode in the 90 days they have to marry? I doubt it. I also doubt that you would appreciate being treated in such a manner if the shoe was on the other foot.

i don't believe she mentioned anything about him staying there for the entire 90 days. she mentioned 1-2 months, which is a reasonable amount of time to meet her kids and arrange a wedding (remember this part? they aren't married yet!). talking about the shoe on the other foot-if my husband had had me move in to his home in morocco, with us not being married, without my parents there, etc. that would have been seriously disrespectful. i would be seriously dishonored if he didn't provide proper living arrangements for me before we were married. i think that issue seriously overrides any concerns anyone may have about bajih being a pushover when it comes to her kiddo. who no one here even knows except for her. i cannot see any benefit whatsoever in having a man live in a home with a woman who he is not married to or related to. under any circumstances, no matter how convoluted immigration issues and such are. the issue of "letting kids run the household" or whatever, takes a backseat to the other issue, in my opinion.

[Bajih 4]

Wow. pushover mom. immature kid. Why the negative?

As always, thanks for the enlightening conversation. I have to laugh though about this misconception that I am some pushover mom letting my immature kids run the place. Ha ha! They wish!

My SO and I knew we were going to do some sort of transition period WAY before I even talked to my kids about him even coming here. We talked about it when I was in Syria with him. I allow my kids their feelings BUT AT THE SAME TIME I do what I want and what I feel is best for my family.

...and if you want to talk about REAL pushover moms and immature children, do I have stories to tell you.. I have been a middle school science teacher for 15 years. I have seen it ALL.

..now don't get me started on my extended family and their reaction...

Baj

[Sofiyya 1,687]

i don't believe she mentioned anything about him staying there for the entire 90 days. she mentioned 1-2 months, which is a reasonable amount of time to meet her kids and arrange a wedding (remember this part? they aren't married yet!). talking about the shoe on the other foot-if my husband had had me move in to his home in morocco, with us not being married, without my parents there, etc. that would have been seriously disrespectful. i would be seriously dishonored if he didn't provide proper living arrangements for me before we were married. i think that issue seriously overrides any concerns anyone may have about bajih being a pushover when it comes to her kiddo. who no one here even knows except for her. i cannot see any benefit whatsoever in having a man live in a home with a woman who he is not married to or related to. under any circumstances, no matter how convoluted immigration issues and such are. the issue of "letting kids run the household" or whatever, takes a backseat to the other issue, in my opinion.

That is your opinion and you're entitled to it, but the question asked wAs what do I do about my son's resistance to my relationship? One measure suggested was to house her SO in a separate area until tensions could ease and he could be introduced slowly to her son, who, unlke her daughter, has not attempted to acquaintant himself with her intended.

So, from the explanation offered in the OP, it is not at all unreasonable to prioritize the son's issues over their sleeping arrangements. Since she is interested inalleviating his anguish to the point of putting the man she PLANS to marry after importing him for that intent, not to assess IF she will marry him, my concern is for how long she is willing to wait for her son to come around and whether this man, who is giving up his life to come here, could be bargained away if the son refuses to accept him. If she is so worried about his feelings and her ability to bring him around, then their plans to marry are indeed not firm or concrete. It is not unreasonable to wonder why this situation was left to fester until her SO received his visa.

Whatever they decide is certainly up to them, but, when a USC applies for a K1, and makes a successful effort to get their SO a visa, it is not uncommon to assume that they sincerely intend to make a life together. All this bluster over sleeping arrangements misses the point that a child's reluctance to enjoy his mother's happiness, and, instead, mitigate it to draw attention to himself is a manipulation that could indeed throw a monkey wrench into their plans to marry.

If being a good mom means that one put one's plans aside to atend to a child's feelings, fine. That is a legitimate choice. But to ignore that possibility when assessing the situation is unrealistic. If one prefers to focus on sleeping arrangements, fine. I see that as a secondary issue in light of the fact that at some point, the son's feelings either will end their engagement, support it, or, if not assuaged, be relegated to a non-issue so that the wedding can proceed. If he doesn't come around, how does a mom who prioritizes his feelings over her wish to marry suddenly ignore his feelings for her own? She doesn't. She chooses between them, and that makes this arrangement an experiment, not a commitment to the man who has come here with a purpose.

So, let's stop pretending with righteous indignation that I am condoning sex before marriage or any other sort of disrespect to any party. It should be clear to a mature mind that I am not. I am simply asking "What if? And that is a perfectly valid question.