Transition time for kids

[Bajih 4]

Not sure if this would be best to put in a k-1 forum or here- but I feel I know you all better here.. Sorry this is long, but I am pretty emotional right now and need to share with someone. Hopefully some of you have been here and can help.

I need some support in helping my 17 year old with the upcoming and eventual transition. He is not taking it well. He will not talk to me about it; but he did cry tonight when I told him the upcoming news. He has known about this for a long time, but has never really shared with me his feelings. I know this upsets him . I told him that I understand and that it is okay to have feelings- and that I would love for him to share.. but he has not shared how he is feeling. I was able to get something out of him about "afraid of change". I reassured him constantly tonight that I will always love him no matter what; I respect his feelings; and I know that this will be awkward for a while but that is okay. I did everything I thought I should do in terms of comforting him and validating his feelings.

My kids have known about this relationship since day 1- however, they have never met Ghassan in person. My daughter has formed an online relationship with him and is more comfortable. She knows the person he is. My son has not done this.

I do not know if my son is afraid to get close to another male in my life (my ex left us and never does anything with my son anymore -not his dad) or if he is afraid of the tension in the house again (my ex has some major issues which left the house feeling thick and tense a lot of the time)... I do not know what to do.. or if there is anything more I can do... except reassure him; validate his feelings; and know things will be bumpy for a while and pray they work on in the long run. We plan on having Ghassan sublease an apartment for a while so we can all make a smoother transition.

Anyone else go through this? My heart is breaking. This is all so bittersweet. I am exciting about starting my new life with my honey; but at the same time I am concerned and worried about my kids and how they are taking this. I want to do the best I can do. Is this the transition pain or should I be more concerned? In the end, we ended up talking about his FB page and he went to his dads- but not after we had a hug and shared "i love you's". My son is a great kid and I want to help him with this.

Thanks for any advice!

Baj

[MrsAmera 41]

I think it's normal for any kid in that situation to have some hesitation. My parents divorced when I was 16 and my mom remarried when I was 18. I really disliked my step dad for a long time, mostly because I was really close to my mom and felt like he was taking her away. However I got over it. I guess if your son was younger I might concern myself more but he's almost an adult. Somethings in life just need to be accepted - he will work his way through his issues in time. Are you sub-leasing an apartment for your fiance only due to this issue? If so I think it's WAAAAY above and beyond what needs to be done. I'm a mom and I'm all for protecting your kid but not at your expense. At 17 he should understand the issue and while he may have reservations I guess to me this seems pretty severe.

[aishahossam 1]

im sure this is a hard time for your son hun, and it will take time for him to ajust, just need to be patient and understanding and let him tell you all things that may be bothering him, even if it upsets you let him tell you, this is so important, and he must tell your man also, and in tijme, i believe alll will be great,,,but like what has already been said,,, if your only subleaseing an apt to help the situation i feel this is not good,imo i feel this is to extreme, try asking your son if maybe he would like to go to dinner with ya or anywhere , if he refuses give him his space. be patient, give him lotsa loveeeee and im sure in the end all will be great

[Bajih 4]

Thanks for the quick reply. I guess "sub-leasing" was a wrong word-sorry! Short term "sublet" is more like it. A month or two. I just can't see my SO showing up one day and walking into our house without my kids even meeting him or knowing him a bit. That wouldn't be fair to them. I want them to always feel safe in their own house. I want them to know him a little bit first.

I agree- bumpy at first but show them all the love and it will be all okay!

Thanks!

Lynette

[KittyPollitt 284]

I haven't gone through this kind of situation as a mother, but when I was 17, my own mother remarried.. I know at that point, after she was in a miserable marriage to my father for 18 years, I was just so glad to see my mother happy. Your son is old enough to look at you as not just his mother, but also as a woman who has been through his pain in your past relationships with him. I don't know his maturity level or how you relate to him as an almost man, but perhaps you could approach the situation in a way to make him see how happy you are with your fiance, and when he sees this, he will appreciate and respect your fiance for making you happy. I agree with others though, that having your fiance living in a separate apartment puts a stigma on the situation like you are doing something wrong, and could serve to make the transition more awkward in the long run. Your son needs to see this as a positive thing, and he needs to spend time near your fiance as much as possible to begin to assume normalcy in the household with your soon to be husband in it..

I hope things go well for you, and I wish you all the luck!

[Justine+David 218]

double post

Edited January 21, 2010 by Justine+David

[Justine+David 218]

I agree with what others have said; at the age of 17, your son is becoming a young man. If he doesn't like change, perhaps this is also compounded by the idea that his entire life of going to school and being with his friends is about to radically change in a year or two when they (and possibly he, depending on the situation) go to college.

When I was a teenager I dated guy who was a junior/senior in high school when I was a senior in hs/freshman in college and even though he was well-adjusted and mature, he was fairly freaked out by the whole life changing thing occurring.

As a sidenote, is that not your daughter in your picture?

Edited January 21, 2010 by Justine+David

[Jenn! 918]

While maybe not necessary, I think it's very considerate and respectful of your son that you thought to have your SO live elsewhere for a couple of months before moving in. I've never thought much of it before, but it must be quite strange for some kids to have a man they've never met move into their home. JMHO.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I think you are doing everything right in validating and respecting his feelings. I think subleasing an apt for your SO speaks volumes to your respect of your childrens feelings but please be aware that your SO living at another address may hinder your AOS. I think you can explain it but you might not want to take that chance at the AOS interview down the line.

My son is still a little guy so it wasnt a very difficult transistion. He knew that Y was coming and was already excited and had talked to him on the phone many many times. I cant imagine the difficulties that might have faced us if he was a teen.

Again, I think you are doing everything right and just continue to do so. There will be a fine line to walk for a while but it sounds like your fiance is more than understanding about everything.

Good luck

[Sandrila 1]

Friction may arise even after he arrives and even if the children accept him with the best of intentions

the living situation and having another eye around the house and your SO taking up more of your time and maybe their space in the home.

I know my little girl "knew" my husband online LONG before my 2 older kids met him in person. Now the two of them are like hot and cold.

It certainly puts you in a position. That too, my husband has way different views on raising children and how children treat the parents and/or adults. So of course she doesn't want him to intervene or interfere with any form of discipline.

I am just wondering if maybe because Ghassan is from Iraq, with which we have been at war, had tensions with and terrorists lingering all over the place if that puts any worries in his mind or maybe he feels he may have hard time explaining your husband's nationality and religion to others

and fear of being judged.

It's ashame that one needs to think in those terms but not everyone is so inviting and assured of our decisions choosing our mates

from the Middle East.

I am not sure about making your husband live in separate quarters. If you are married, that is very touchy. If not, then I guess he may understand for the sake of the kids, but not a guarantee.

Wishing you the best of luck!

[chaishai 1]

While maybe not necessary, I think it's very considerate and respectful of your son that you thought to have your SO live elsewhere for a couple of months before moving in. I've never thought much of it before, but it must be quite strange for some kids to have a man they've never met move into their home. JMHO.

This is a really good idea and most likely what I would do if I were in that situation. My kids would freak otherwise!

[LRA 0]

I don't want to sound harsh...but at 17 and him knowing about your relationship since day 1...I think "shutting down" when the subject is brought up is a little selfish and immature. Within 90 days you and your SO will be married, is he aware of that. The sooner that he accepts the relationship the easier it will be for everyone. What would you do if your son said to you "it's me or him"? I am surprised that he hasn't reached out to your SO. Has your SO reached out to you son? I think now is the time to draw the two together. You know them both and maybe you can find something they both like to do...maybe online games? Maybe they will find some common ground to build a lasting relationship. Maybe just one of respect and acceptance. It appears you have a close relationship with your son, that many would envy. But that will change once SO is here. You and your SO will be busy...you'll want to spend time together....getting ready to meet the 90 day obligation...more paperwork...adjustment. Seeing one another for a majority of the day. What will your kids do when you're with your SO? Will you leave him alone to spend time with your kids? What if your son doesn't accept him?

My intent is not to be mean spirited or be critical, but I wanted to put questions out there that you should find answers to. Ultimately you will have to let your son know that this man will be a huge part of your life, both of them will need one another whether they like it or not, you need them to respect and be friendly with one another. I wouldn't let another day pass without them talking and getting to know one another. Sometimes a hello is all it takes to kick off some serious male bonding! :-)

[Sofiyya 1,687]

I totally disagree with subletting an apartment for your SO. It not only shows disrespect for him, it does nothing to "validate" your son's feelings. What it does is allow him to manipulate you, and kids are manipulative.

I speak from experience. I raised 5 children to adulthood and I have one, a daughter, who is still resistant to my husband. She is the only one who refuses to meet him or even to talk about him in any substantive way. For a period of about eight months, she wouldn't speak to me, expecting me to relent to please her. She's engaged in this behavior when she didn't like something her parents did since she was a teenager, and she still does at 28 years old! We are in a comfortable place today and she will come around when she does. Meanwhile, my life with my man will also go on.

People are mature adults when they learn to make the hard decisions and stand by them. Children are children because they need mature adults to lead them. While their feelings are to be considered, shutting down and avoiding the reality of your relationship is not to be encouraged or rewarded; it is manipulative and destructive behavior. It's best to model the proper steps to them rather than letting your son run the show. By sticking your man in a sublet, you are also modeling avoidance, imo, and that is not a healthy way to start a new life as a family.

My two cents . . .

Edited January 22, 2010 by Sofiyya

[Salam24 0]

I think you are doing everything right in validating and respecting his feelings. I think subleasing an apt for your SO speaks volumes to your respect of your childrens feelings but please be aware that your SO living at another address may hinder your AOS. I think you can explain it but you might not want to take that chance at the AOS interview down the line.

My son is still a little guy so it wasnt a very difficult transistion. He knew that Y was coming and was already excited and had talked to him on the phone many many times. I cant imagine the difficulties that might have faced us if he was a teen.

Again, I think you are doing everything right and just continue to do so. There will be a fine line to walk for a while but it sounds like your fiance is more than understanding about everything.

Good luck

Since it's a K1 visa, his living in his own apartment before they are married shouldn't present a poblem at AOS time. It's quite common for an engaged couple not to live together before marriage. It may be an issue if he continues to live in a separate apartment after they are married.

[Salam24 0]

I totally disagree with subletting an apartment for your SO.

I find it refreshing that two unmarried (assumption based on K1 being type of visa applied for) )people aren't shacking up before marriage, and I think it shows a great deal of respect for yourselves and your families.