He tried to kill himself

[What Happened? 4]

Some of us take our advice from the Bible which has got married couples through hard times for 1000s of years and some of us like to take advice from Dr. Phil and use his catch-phrases like the word "Deal breaker"

Obviously there is too much alcohol involved in the situation and the man needs to detox.

And I'm not trying to use the bible to justify poor behavior...I sent that bible passage as a way to help her and him.

Anyway...there is only 1 "deal breaker" in marriage and Jesus told us what it was. Unfaithfulness. Getting alcohol thrown in your face, or having your spouse threaten suicide is part of the "for better or WORSE" category, its not a "deal breaker" even if it is incredibly disrespectful. You also said that pouring alcohol on a person is a demeaning and violent act that most men would not consider. When a man is drunk you have no idea what he is capable of which is why the bible tells us not to be drunkards which is what this man is. Most of you probably have very kind husbands, but if you got them drunk, all day, everyday for a few weeks, then started yelling at them, Even the kindest of husbands could be capable of committing that act as their judgment goes out the window. Im not justifying it, im just telling you the cause.

Good luck to the OP.

Andrew

I don't watch or listen to Dr. Phil, sweetheart. But nice try.

There are many ways to be unfaithful to your wife.....I'd say that when he said to her that his alcohol was all he had...........he chose to turn to the alcohol instead of turning to his wife with his problems. What ever the reason; HE chose to do that and is obviously not able to cope well with his life situations. Remember he took vows of for better or worse as well. So he also needs to be able to work beyond the difficulties. If you are saying the only deal breaker is unfaithfulness, IMO he IS being unfaithful to her. He is sleeping with the bottle. He has abandoned his wife and children, for a bottle and he is misguided in thinking that it is all he has.

I had not said that alcohol throwing nor attempts at suicide are deal breakers. I said they are demeaning and violent acts in this situation.

Anyway...there is only 1 "deal breaker" in marriage and Jesus told us what it was. Unfaithfulness.

So are you telling me that if your wife plotted and successfully killed your child, and was never convicted, you would be able to continue your life with her in the same manner, because Jesus said unfaithfulness is the ONLY "dealbreaker"?

That's some old B.S. Be realistic and stop telling me what Jesus said. In comparison to the size of the text, there are very few lines in the Bible that are believed to be actual words that Jesus spoke. I will not get into my religious stance here....although It is probably not at all what you'd assume. I'm just tired of people acting like if someone is having a rough time in life it's because they are not reading their Bible. Life is more complex than that.

Listen.....many people are able to quote the BIBLE...full book....chapters...verses...lines.....all that. They can do it from memory and can seemingly apply it to everyday life situations...at best in arguements where they try to take the moral high ground. My opinion is that the words you have tried to apply to this situation...just don't fully fit. Telling someone to let there be beauty in your ways so that should your husband not believe, he will see, in you, that beauty which is your faith, is something quite different than telling a woman to be submissive to an alcoholic. I agree with you that she may be able to prevent the escalation of events by not reacting to him. But she should also not keep her children in that environment. We have to be realistic. When the other person becomes a danger to himself or others it's time to open the eyes and see the situation for what it is today not dreamy eyed tomorrow land.

So if I hear you correctly, she is most likely the reason he is getting drunk. she is the reason he has lashed out. she is the reason for it all. This woman chose a man that was wrong for her or she is wrong for him. Either way, I hope she doesn't take your advice and stay. The children don't benefit from her staying. She needs to think of the safety of her family and let him get better when and if he is ready...but on his OWN time. The main purpose for marriage is for the raising of children. He has failed them and she has the right to protect them. That's what mother's do...they protect their children.

Because when he realizes that he can't hurt her with his suicide attempts....he will become more desparate for control over her. The next step will be to seriously hurt her if she tries to leave again. This is all about control.

You don't play around with it and think that passages in the Bible are the same as the situation you are in today. When it has escalated to this point it is time to be drastic and remove yourself and the kids from harms way. I know women who have done exactly what you are suggesting, and they somehow had the strength to show up to work each day with their black eyes and bruises all along saying that maybe if they didn't do this or that. One woman said maybe if she didn't wear blue he wouldn't hit her anymore....because he doesn't like blue. She honestly thought that, because she had tried everything else already.

Now if the situation were that they are both hot headed and argue like regular folks do sometimes..then I might agree with you more. But when the arguements escalate to lives being threatened, its time to get into protective mode.

[MRStee 19]

I personally wouldn't say anything to him to further "aggravate" him. I would let the hospital keep him committed and just focus on a plan of action for you and the girls. You sound like you don't want to be with him which is good if this is what YOU want. I think its honorable of you not to divorce just yet and keep him on your insurance but know that you don't have to do this. As long as you've done all you can do, then whatever you decide in the long run will be what you feel is best for you and the girls. I will keep you in my prayers. Good luck to you.

[MsSheka 0]

I met my husband online, like many of us did. He was in New Zealand and I was in the USA. I was leaving 1st husband and the relationship I had with Chris (my now husband and Green Card holder) was intense and romantic and fantastic. We decided to see if we felt the same things when we actually met. He came in January of last year and met me... I was still married but we got along so well and it was so wonderful that he decided to come back and see me again in March. He came on the VWP. Our love continued to develop and I hadn't completed my divorce but we wanted to be together and he proposed. My divorce got finalized during the 90 day VWP and we got married.

I know now that it was a mistake. I wasn't really ready for such another serious relationship as I still was getting over the emotional affects of my separation and divorce of husband 1. Chris and I are both passionate, stubborn, strong-willed and type A personalities. In many areas we were scarily identical. Unfortunately, in the areas we differed, we differed greatly. We'd have major fights. In one particular fight, he poured alcohol all over me. He drank every day because he said alcohol was the only thing he had. He has MS and can't be as active as he wants.

I had also told him before he came that my children were the most important thing to me and our relationship would hinge on the relationship that would develop between him and them. My younger daughter liked him quite a bit. My older daughter hated him. He was very strict and had some extreme rules that they just weren't used to. He would control me and them. My older daughter finally said that she'd end up either hurting him or hurting herself if I stayed with him. She's 12. She should not be having those feelings.

So Thursday night I told him that I wanted to end our relationship. He was angry and upset. In our past arguments he had threatened suicide when I'd leave to go to my friend's house, but he never actually did anything about it. People told me it was emotional blackmail and a control mechanism. Because I'd always come back when he threatened it.

I left around 7pm... He was texting me over and over and over. Around 10pm the texts stopped and I figured he'd drunk himself to unconsciousness and then yes try to reconcile with me yesterday. I went to bed when the texts stopped, got up and went to work. I tried calling him and emailing him with no answer. I have a very busy job so I tried a couple of times through the morning. I had my friend try to call him when I got no response, thinking he was ignoring my calls. She called and then texted me. I never got her text. When I called her to see if she got a hold of him she said she'd texted me.

Then I looked at my phone and realized that my memory was full. So I cleared out all the messages and restarted my phone. That was around 2pm on Friday. I had 10 unread texts from him. The last three texts were: "Thank you for leaving me your antidepressants" and then "Tell Meagan (my younger daughter) goodbye for me" and then "Make sure Brodie (our dog) goes to a good and loving him me". Needless to say I panicked at that point and called the police. THey went to my house and found him unconscious and not very responsive. The ambulance took him to the hospital where his body temp was 93 and he was in the effects of a drug overdose.

I went to the ER. He was incoherent. Mumbling. Tugging at the restraints, trying to pull out IV's and Catheters. It was awful. It was one of the most painful and horrible things I've ever seen. After a while he seemed to become a little more conscious and he was begging me to free his hands and when I said I couldn't his pulse went up to 170.... I eventually just had to leave because when I'd go see him, he'd get agitated.

They admitted him to the ICU and they think he'll survive. We have no idea what the damages might be yet though. They are going to put him in regular medical units when he is stable and off the medications necessary to get his system over the effects of the drugs. Then when he's rational, they are putting him in psych evaluation and then will not release him until he's under psychiatric care.

Even though he's not really been aggressive with me or the children, the doctor warned me that he may become aggressive now or he may try to do it again as soon as he's released.

I don't know what to do. I can't be with someone who would do that. I definitely can't have my children around someone like that. I know I'm financially responsible for him. What if he stays in a psych ward for a long time? What if they release him and he has to continue to be seen often by a psychiatrist?

I have to pay for all of this and what if he can't work? I won't divorce him yet, as he's on my insurance....

I'm just numb. I feel grief and pain and an overwhelming sense of rage that he'd do something like this. I just don't know what to do and I'm hoping for some advice or suggestions.... or anything...

What do I do?

my heart goes out to you and your family you mentioned that your hubby has MS and people with MS do have some mental issues due to the effects of the disease,

Multiple Sclerosis: MS-Related Thinking Problems

About half of people with MS will experience some form of cognitive dysfunction, or impaired thinking. For most, this means slowed thinking, decreased concentration, or decreased memory. In only about 5 to 10% of MS patients is this so severe that it significantly impairs their ability to carry out daily living tasks.

Most of the time, difficulties with cognition occur later in the course of the disease; however, there are times where it occurs much earlier, and occasionally it's present with the onset of MS.

your hubby is very ill and needs your support right now i think leaving him in his current state will make matters worse he needs help, you have to be strong I agree with the others keep him away from the kids for now but get him the help he needs and once he's at least stable you can consider ending the relationship, I would also recommend that you seek help from a professional to help you deal with this issue as it poses a problem with your mental health as well as the kids, its always good to get the opinion of others but this situation is very serious and you need to seek a professional. I wish you all the best and stay strong for you and your family.

God Bless

[chispas 0]

my heart goes out to you and your family you mentioned that your hubby has MS and people with MS do have some mental issues due to the effects of the disease,

Multiple Sclerosis: MS-Related Thinking Problems

About half of people with MS will experience some form of cognitive dysfunction, or impaired thinking. For most, this means slowed thinking, decreased concentration, or decreased memory. In only about 5 to 10% of MS patients is this so severe that it significantly impairs their ability to carry out daily living tasks.

Most of the time, difficulties with cognition occur later in the course of the disease; however, there are times where it occurs much earlier, and occasionally it's present with the onset of MS.

your hubby is very ill and needs your support right now i think leaving him in his current state will make matters worse he needs help, you have to be strong I agree with the others keep him away from the kids for now but get him the help he needs and once he's at least stable you can consider ending the relationship, I would also recommend that you seek help from a professional to help you deal with this issue as it poses a problem with your mental health as well as the kids, its always good to get the opinion of others but this situation is very serious and you need to seek a professional. I wish you all the best and stay strong for you and your family.

God Bless

I too noticed that she said her husband has MS. I have MS also and mine affected me terribly with the slow thinking, forgetfulness and just plain losing track of my train of thought. However, stress is one of those things that exacerbates the MS, but some of the behavior mentioned by the OP seems very unlike MS related issues. I'd advise the OP to make sure he continues to see a Neurologist while he is under psychiatric care in order to differentiate what is MS and what is psychiatric. I'd also like to know if he is getting treatment for his MS in the form of injections. If not, she could find herself having to care for someone who is wheel chair bound or bed-ridden.

Hugs

[Ontarkie 14,222]

I'm sorry for everything that has happened to you. From my own experience very similar to your own without the MS factor. I would stop all contact with him now allow the doctors and nurses to do their job. Any visit you make to see him only gives him more power over you. You say hes in denial, you said he wanted you to get in bed with him and cuddle. Yes it seems very innocent, but it is not every time you do what he asks he gets that much more control over you. I've been there done that. Tell the nurses know you will not be back and why. Make sure they understand what he has done to you and that his attempted suicide was to get back at you. They have seen this stuff before they will understand. The Doctor already told you not to get back involved cause hes seen it before too. If they need any thing from you they will let you know and still be able to keep your distance. He will use every nice gesture you do while in the hospital and twist it to think you wont leave him. That he has you back where he wants you.

Stay away, seek the advice of a lawyer and get the counselling your family needs. Once he is released he will be good for a little bit but when you still proceed with a divorce he will flip out.

please be very careful

[Darnell 8,478]

I strongly suggest talking with the mental health officer at yer local sherrif's office. IMO, they have access to more resources than any staff member at the hospital.

[chispas 0]

I strongly suggest talking with the mental health officer at yer local sherrif's office. IMO, they have access to more resources than any staff member at the hospital.

He should have been assigned a case worker who also might have resources.

[nycgirl 13]

To THE OP.....whatever you decide to do....you need to do one thing immediately.....take your pictures off your avatar, signature and profile. You are exposing VERY personal things about another human being, AND posting his photo. Whatever the case may be with your marriage, his condition, his immigration status, .......leaving his picture up for all to see is just NOT RIGHT.

Edited January 12, 2010 by nycgirl

[Gemmie 142]

I too have experience with this, as my mother hung herself when I was a teenager because she felt there wasn't a way out of her illness and unhappiness. She had threatened to do so many times before, and before it actually happened, I also believed it was nothing more than "expressing how she feels". She had been depressed for years, and I often found letters around the house talking about how she felt, and in fact I used to get angry with her for leaving them. She always said talking to professionals made her feel worse. She visited a psychologist the week before she died, and it appeared to help, though looking back, she had already made up her mind. Anyway, she carried out her plan of actually ending her life and made damned sure that no one would stop her. Because of this, I absolutely despise it when I hear people say that suicidal threats are nothing but "attention-seeking". They are a symptom of depression, there is a bigger picture than attention-seeking.

My best friend also experienced a similar situation with her ex. He threatened to kill himself whenever she said it wasn't working, so she always ended up staying with him. She never realised how unhappy and draining the relationship was until she really did end it. And you know what? That was a few years ago now, and she just told me that he recently got married and is expecting a baby. He did fine without her. And she had cut off all communication with him.

What I'm trying to say, is that there isn't a black and white picture here. It isn't a case of "he's doing it to make you feel guilty and stay", nor is it someone who desperately wanted to end their life. No one here can say that. Every case is different, and we can't possibly ever know whether he intended on succeeding or not. Only he knows that, and only he has the power to get the professional help that he needs.

As for the OP; I don't know what to tell you, other than to protect yourself and your kids. I don't advise anyone to stay in a marriage that makes them miserable, vows or not. You intended to be with him forever when you married him, you weren't lying. Well, things happen. You learned that you rushed into the marriage, so take that with you. I would advise you to step back and think about what you want to do. He definitely needs psychological help, whether he intended to kill himself or not. He needs to learn how to process these feelings on his own with help from health professionals. I hope everything works out for you and your kids.

[KnightAndMagpie 7]

I too have experience with this, as my mother hung herself when I was a teenager because she felt there wasn't a way out of her illness and unhappiness. She had threatened to do so many times before, and before it actually happened, I also believed it was nothing more than "expressing how she feels". She had been depressed for years, and I often found letters around the house talking about how she felt, and in fact I used to get angry with her for leaving them. She always said talking to professionals made her feel worse. She visited a psychologist the week before she died, and it appeared to help, though looking back, she had already made up her mind. Anyway, she carried out her plan of actually ending her life and made damned sure that no one would stop her. Because of this, I absolutely despise it when I hear people say that suicidal threats are nothing but "attention-seeking". They are a symptom of depression, there is a bigger picture than attention-seeking.

My best friend also experienced a similar situation with her ex. He threatened to kill himself whenever she said it wasn't working, so she always ended up staying with him. She never realised how unhappy and draining the relationship was until she really did end it. And you know what? That was a few years ago now, and she just told me that he recently got married and is expecting a baby. He did fine without her. And she had cut off all communication with him.

What I'm trying to say, is that there isn't a black and white picture here. It isn't a case of "he's doing it to make you feel guilty and stay", nor is it someone who desperately wanted to end their life. No one here can say that. Every case is different, and we can't possibly ever know whether he intended on succeeding or not. Only he knows that, and only he has the power to get the professional help that he needs.

As for the OP; I don't know what to tell you, other than to protect yourself and your kids. I don't advise anyone to stay in a marriage that makes them miserable, vows or not. You intended to be with him forever when you married him, you weren't lying. Well, things happen. You learned that you rushed into the marriage, so take that with you. I would advise you to step back and think about what you want to do. He definitely needs psychological help, whether he intended to kill himself or not. He needs to learn how to process these feelings on his own with help from health professionals. I hope everything works out for you and your kids.

Gemmie, what you had to go through after what happened to your mother was awful. I'm sorry that you had to deal with that, but it sounds like you learned a great deal from it. You certainly made me think of it from another perspective. Everyone has different experiences; unfortunately, the kind of suicidal threats that I've dealt with were the ones with the intention of making me feel guilty, or to make me submit. I had seen it happen numerous times, and it was often used to both hurt me and crush my spirit. It was used as a tool to put me into a corner. It all depends on the person, and what they're like. I appreciate that you've put forward another example, so that we all might view it from another angle. Like you said, we can't say for sure what was going through his head, or what his intentions were.

That's good advice to the OP. I hope that her and the kids are managing, and her spouse is recovering.

Magpie.

[Gemmie 142]

Gemmie, what you had to go through after what happened to your mother was awful. I'm sorry that you had to deal with that, but it sounds like you learned a great deal from it. You certainly made me think of it from another perspective. Everyone has different experiences; unfortunately, the kind of suicidal threats that I've dealt with were the ones with the intention of making me feel guilty, or to make me submit. I had seen it happen numerous times, and it was often used to both hurt me and crush my spirit. It was used as a tool to put me into a corner. It all depends on the person, and what they're like. I appreciate that you've put forward another example, so that we all might view it from another angle. Like you said, we can't say for sure what was going through his head, or what his intentions were.

That's good advice to the OP. I hope that her and the kids are managing, and her spouse is recovering.

Magpie.

Thanks Magpie, I agree that a lot of people use it as a tool to make others feel guilty. And what low self-esteem and security those people must have, to terrify others into doing something they don't want.

I just always have a moment of 'what if' when I see people say 'oh it's just attention-seeking' because it's easy to tar everyone with the same brush when it comes to the same threats. And obviously because in my case it wasn't a 'what if' but an action that was carried out. My brother still believes to this day that it was an accident, that she intended on being found and that she was crying out for help, but he's in denial, and I let him believe that because it seems easier for him to think that it was an accident than an actual intention. And I know that my friends who were around during that time certainly view threats differently today; that's not necessarily a good thing though because a lot of the time, they ARE idle threats used to corner someone, like you described. Even my dad said a few thoughtless comments about how he might as well just end it, and looking back, I know that was because he felt so desperate and was hurting - not because he intended to. But just as you say, it crushed my spirit and made me afraid to do anything 'just in case;.

It's so difficult to judge isn't it, because guilt it such a powerful emotion and it's so easy to trap someone with this threat, because the cost of 'what if' is extremely high for the person on the other end.

Edited January 13, 2010 by Gemmie

[KnightAndMagpie 7]

It's so difficult to judge isn't it, because guilt it such a powerful emotion and it's so easy to trap someone with this threat, because the cost of 'what if' is extremely high for the person on the other end.

That it is. You get into that cycle of thinking "well, if this happens, then it's my fault". Then you start pondering the consequences, and then...it gets very messy. But at the same time, you have to break that cycle and just keep monitoring the person's behaviour with caution. If things happen, there's not much you can do, unfortunately; nobody should have to live in fear of doing anything because the other person may react negatively. All you can do is hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst.

Magpie.

[MNCouple 3]

To THE OP.....whatever you decide to do....you need to do one thing immediately.....take your pictures off your avatar, signature and profile. You are exposing VERY personal things about another human being, AND posting his photo. Whatever the case may be with your marriage, his condition, his immigration status, .......leaving his picture up for all to see is just NOT RIGHT.

Thank you, I honestly hadn't even thought about the pictures or signature as I was very much caught up in the moment of stress and frustration.

To provide an update. The hospital felt he was mentally stable enough to release on Monday. They gave him 30 days worth of antidepressants and 60 muscle relaxers, two for each day for a month. I was a little concerned that they sent him home with the means to come right back in. But he seems to be doing ok. I had asked him if he was taking the medication and he said no. I tried talking to him about it and yesterday he actually took the antidepressant.

He told me that he felt some relief, that it was so easy to look back and see how he was grinding me down to nothing. He had been abused as a child in ways a child shouldn't have to be abused and he's very non-chalant about it, but with his MS, I thought he should see someone. He is very proud and doesn't want to seem weak or need any help. I told him I wanted to take him to someone and yesterday he told me that secretly he wanted me to force him to get help, but he also said that if I had said anything, he would have fought me all the way.

At this point. I'm taking this turn of events as a blessing in disguise. The relationship wasn't working out well for me and I was having difficulty coping with him and his moods. He has some serious issues that need to be addressed. He seems to now be taking the medication and says he's going to see a psychiatrist. His OD didn't overly damage him and he learned a very valuable lesson, I think.

I have seen a therapist with my 12 year old and I've seen my doctor. She thinks it's best that I have some anti-anxiety medication and perhaps a low dose anti-depressant for a month or two to help me cope through the emotional roller coaster I'm on.

I'm bruised, emotionally worn out, tired beyond belief, but also feeling a little hopeful that things just might work out for the best. Of course, I'm not putting on the rose colored glasses... but I'm allowing myself a little bit of respite from the worry. Today he is looking for a new place to live and he's told me he loves me enough to let me go and offered to help me however he can.

Thank you all for your support and your advice!!!!

[rika60607 215]

Doctors in the US are sometimes too quick to suggest and insist on anti-depressants.

I am not a doctor. I can not tell you not to take any, even if I were. Just remember, that many antidepressants have side effects that have a potential to screw up your state of mind much worse than you would have been without antidepressants.

If YOU feel that you need them, by all means. But if you can handle the situation without antidepressants, that is better in the long run.

I have seen a therapist with my 12 year old and I've seen my doctor. She thinks it's best that I have some anti-anxiety medication and perhaps a low dose anti-depressant for a month or two to help me cope through the emotional roller coaster I'm on.

Best of luck to you,