He tried to kill himself

[MNCouple 3]

I met my husband online, like many of us did. He was in New Zealand and I was in the USA. I was leaving 1st husband and the relationship I had with Chris (my now husband and Green Card holder) was intense and romantic and fantastic. We decided to see if we felt the same things when we actually met. He came in January of last year and met me... I was still married but we got along so well and it was so wonderful that he decided to come back and see me again in March. He came on the VWP. Our love continued to develop and I hadn't completed my divorce but we wanted to be together and he proposed. My divorce got finalized during the 90 day VWP and we got married.

I know now that it was a mistake. I wasn't really ready for such another serious relationship as I still was getting over the emotional affects of my separation and divorce of husband 1. Chris and I are both passionate, stubborn, strong-willed and type A personalities. In many areas we were scarily identical. Unfortunately, in the areas we differed, we differed greatly. We'd have major fights. In one particular fight, he poured alcohol all over me. He drank every day because he said alcohol was the only thing he had. He has MS and can't be as active as he wants.

I had also told him before he came that my children were the most important thing to me and our relationship would hinge on the relationship that would develop between him and them. My younger daughter liked him quite a bit. My older daughter hated him. He was very strict and had some extreme rules that they just weren't used to. He would control me and them. My older daughter finally said that she'd end up either hurting him or hurting herself if I stayed with him. She's 12. She should not be having those feelings.

So Thursday night I told him that I wanted to end our relationship. He was angry and upset. In our past arguments he had threatened suicide when I'd leave to go to my friend's house, but he never actually did anything about it. People told me it was emotional blackmail and a control mechanism. Because I'd always come back when he threatened it.

I left around 7pm... He was texting me over and over and over. Around 10pm the texts stopped and I figured he'd drunk himself to unconsciousness and then yes try to reconcile with me yesterday. I went to bed when the texts stopped, got up and went to work. I tried calling him and emailing him with no answer. I have a very busy job so I tried a couple of times through the morning. I had my friend try to call him when I got no response, thinking he was ignoring my calls. She called and then texted me. I never got her text. When I called her to see if she got a hold of him she said she'd texted me.

Then I looked at my phone and realized that my memory was full. So I cleared out all the messages and restarted my phone. That was around 2pm on Friday. I had 10 unread texts from him. The last three texts were: "Thank you for leaving me your antidepressants" and then "Tell Meagan (my younger daughter) goodbye for me" and then "Make sure Brodie (our dog) goes to a good and loving him me". Needless to say I panicked at that point and called the police. THey went to my house and found him unconscious and not very responsive. The ambulance took him to the hospital where his body temp was 93 and he was in the effects of a drug overdose.

I went to the ER. He was incoherent. Mumbling. Tugging at the restraints, trying to pull out IV's and Catheters. It was awful. It was one of the most painful and horrible things I've ever seen. After a while he seemed to become a little more conscious and he was begging me to free his hands and when I said I couldn't his pulse went up to 170.... I eventually just had to leave because when I'd go see him, he'd get agitated.

They admitted him to the ICU and they think he'll survive. We have no idea what the damages might be yet though. They are going to put him in regular medical units when he is stable and off the medications necessary to get his system over the effects of the drugs. Then when he's rational, they are putting him in psych evaluation and then will not release him until he's under psychiatric care.

Even though he's not really been aggressive with me or the children, the doctor warned me that he may become aggressive now or he may try to do it again as soon as he's released.

I don't know what to do. I can't be with someone who would do that. I definitely can't have my children around someone like that. I know I'm financially responsible for him. What if he stays in a psych ward for a long time? What if they release him and he has to continue to be seen often by a psychiatrist?

I have to pay for all of this and what if he can't work? I won't divorce him yet, as he's on my insurance....

I'm just numb. I feel grief and pain and an overwhelming sense of rage that he'd do something like this. I just don't know what to do and I'm hoping for some advice or suggestions.... or anything...

What do I do?

[rika60607 215]

Make sure he has medical insurance and a place to stay until he's well, be supportive, but do not stay in this relationship and make it clear to him that you will not stay.

Tell him he still has you as a friend. Hopefully it's true.

Like you said, you can not have this in your children's life. You also need to show your children the honorable way of dealing with a crisis of this kind.

Be strong.

[Brother Hesekiel 2,236]

According to some Eastern religion, the most cowardess crime in the universe is trying to kill oneself. In the German language "suicide" is thus translated as "self-MURDER." It takes an idiot "trying" to kill oneself and not to succeed. If one wants to die, he will die!

Thus, your husband didn't want to kill himself; all he wanted is your attention. Don't give him any!

My advice: file for a divorce Monday morning and let him know that he needs to find another place to bunk the moment he is released from the hospital. Get rid of him.

Edited January 9, 2010 by Just Bob

[Christi and Ian 24]

I completely disagree. He's ill. He has a sickness of the brain. Would one be so callous if he were say, sick with Cancer or some other horrific disease? He needs help. I suggest trying to find an inpatient facility for him to get him the help that he needs. Work with the doctor(s) to incorporate the fact that you're leaving him so that he can receive therapy for dealing with those emotions as well.

Try to remember that this is the response of a sick brain, and try to have a bit of compassion, as hard as it may be.

[christeen 966]

I would not allow him in close contact with the kids in this state of mind. However, you did marry him "in sickness and in health" and he is clearly sick. I would not allow him to reside with you, but I would see if your insurance covers admission to a treatment facility. He is obviously depressed and unstable and needs professional counseling. This is beyond your scope to handle. But you know what will probably happen to him if you kick him to curb and you have to think about how you would live with that without even trying to get him some help... But that is a decision you have to make. But I would NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES allow him to live with you and your children in this state of mind... There are too many reports on the news of tragic situations when an unstable person is put back into a house without the mental issues being addressed...

Good Luck and sorry for all your pain.

[Wis-Can 0]

I don't consider suicide a cowardly act. I think it takes a great deal of courage to try and end your own life. We are all born with coping skills. For some people, whatever is going on in their lives is more then the coping skills that they have can handle. I agree some people "try" it for the attention and have no intention of it actually ending their lives. You can be there to help him through this, but make sure he knows that you can't be together if that's what you want. I wish you the best. Take care.

[Darnell 8,478]

for now, contact the sherrif's office - ask for the 'mental health officer' - talk with that person - tell them whats going on - that officer can help you with referrals to other agencies , and if necessary, assist you with filing the proper paperwork to keep the husband out of your house.

There's always a 'mental health officer' on duty, 24/7 - might not be able to get to you immediately, but certainly with 3 hours, at least on a call back.

It's good the husband is NOT in your home, now. IIWY, I'd make sure he stayed out of the home.

You can do something later for divorce, if you are so inclined, but for now, make sure the husband does not come back to your house.

Good Luck !

[SuperDuper! 230]

I don't consider suicide a cowardly act. I think it takes a great deal of courage to try and end your own life. We are all born with coping skills. For some people, whatever is going on in their lives is more then the coping skills that they have can handle. I agree some people "try" it for the attention and have no intention of it actually ending their lives. You can be there to help him through this, but make sure he knows that you can't be together if that's what you want. I wish you the best. Take care.

The person who tackles his life problem like a man is the hero, not the guy who squeezes a trigger to end his pain.

Rent the movie, "The Bridge" and you will get a new perspective.

OP, you have a difficult situation with no easy solution. His life is now unmanageable, and will make yours an endless nightmare if you don't take control to preserve what peace, love and happiness you have left on the planet. Be brave and do the right thing for yourself.

[david'sgirl 134]

According to some Eastern religion, the most cowardess crime in the universe is trying to kill oneself. In the German language "suicide" is thus translated as "self-MURDER." It takes an idiot "trying" to kill oneself and not to succeed. If one wants to die, he will die!

Thus, your husband didn't want to kill himself; all he wanted is your attention. Don't give him any!

My advice: file for a divorce Monday morning and let him know that he needs to find another place to bunk the moment he is released from the hospital. Get rid of him.

Wow. That seems unbelieveably cold and unsympathetic. I feel bad for the guy. He is obviously very distraught over losing his wife and family. Anyone who is depressed enough to contemplate taking thier own life needs support and compassion not to be abandoned. Whatever happened to in sickness and in health? or in good times and bad? or until death do we part? I am amazed not just by your comments but all the similar ones as well.

I would suggest family counseling for the op,husband and the girls. Dont just give up and walk away without even trying. Good luck.

I would not allow him in close contact with the kids in this state of mind. However, you did marry him "in sickness and in health" and he is clearly sick. I would not allow him to reside with you, but I would see if your insurance covers admission to a treatment facility. He is obviously depressed and unstable and needs professional counseling. This is beyond your scope to handle. But you know what will probably happen to him if you kick him to curb and you have to think about how you would live with that without even trying to get him some help... But that is a decision you have to make. But I would NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES allow him to live with you and your children in this state of mind... There are too many reports on the news of tragic situations when an unstable person is put back into a house without the mental issues being addressed...

Good Luck and sorry for all your pain.

Ditto.

[KnightAndMagpie 7]

While the OP is tied to her husband in sickness and health, it's very clear, as others have stated, that he desperately needs counselling, psychiatric, and medical care. I agree that she should NOT live with him, and neither should her kids; if the doctor's said he'll become aggressive later, there's little wisdom in taking the chance that he won't be that way with them. He's unstable and in need of support, but the OP should be able to have her own space for her and her kids without being put into a dangerous situation. He was a heavy drinker, poured alcohol on her previously, and heaven knows what that's done to his head.

My fear is that he'll continue to demand a great deal of her, or he'll threaten suicide again. As callous as it does sound, the fact that he's threatened her with suicide previously because she wanted to make the right choices for herself does come across as a means of controlling her. He also warned you about it before he OD'd, perhaps to make you feel miserable about what he was doing. I've seen it happen with other people before, where one person's trapped in a relationship because the other insists they'll commit suicide. Perhaps I'm totally wrong, but I think it's awful that this is now something her spouse can use to hold onto her. Maybe it wasn't intentional on his part, but if he's been controlling before, then this might very well be another tool -- again, maybe unintentionally so. I don't know, I can't really say for sure.

My advice to the OP: Protect yourself and your children. Yes, you are now financially responsible for him; it's also down to you to help him through this, especially if he doesn't have anyone over here. Though you may love and care for him, I would not advise pursuing a relationship with him any further, except perhaps as friends. A married relationship where it's emotionally draining and painful is not one to stay in.

God bless, and best of luck.

Magpie.

/edit: And to Richard90027: That post was completely unnecessary, offered nothing to the OP, and lacked the humour that you thought it had. If you have nothing constructive to add, don't add anything at all.

Edited January 9, 2010 by KnightAndMagpie

[VanessaTony 3,567]

It's not clear from your signature or timeline whether your AOS has been processed and he has his greencard yet. If he has NOT then you are NOT financially responsible for him YET and you can withdraw your Affidavit of support.

I advise you speak to a lawyer about it to assess your options, but I have to be a little mean and liken your relationship (based on your post) to you getting a dog on impulse (or other such pet) and then getting annoyed and angry when you realise that the dog isn't exactly what you wanted or expected. I'm not saying this is a judgement of YOU but like you said, you weren't quite ready emotionally and jumped into a relationship that with time, you might not have, or you would have been more prepared for.

Now you need to decide what you really want. People make mistakes, there's no judgement from me on that, nor do I think you need to stay in what is an emotionally abusive relationship just because you married him "for better and for worse" and "in sickness and in health". NO-ONE expects you to stay in a relationship in which you or your children are at risk, whether it be emotionally or physically. I completely reject the person who said "go to family counselling". Your husband is already abusing you and he obviously isn't self-correcting, your cries for help or for him to stop aren't self-correcting, so sitting and talking about your feelings and trying to get him to care I sincerely doubt will help. It WILL help you though to see someone to talk about how you feel during this process, and also after it is all said and done.

At the very least, his "attempt" has provided what he wanted, which is you to feel guilty and keep you around. He is punishing you for wanting to leave him, and punishing you for not coming when he sent you those texts. For once I agree with bob who said that if he truly wanted to end his life he WOULD have. I also agree that he is sick, mentally sick, but this does not mean that you are meant to suffer till the end of time simply because you married him.

Speak with a lawyer, find out what needs to be done in relation to USCIS and your obligation to him. I'm not saying that you should have him "sent back" or anything like that, but that you simply should be afforded what anyone else would be if he wasn't an "alien", the right to leave him and not be made to suffer simply because you made the wrong decision in marrying him.

Good luck, I hope you're able to find a solution that is good for all of those concerned.

[Quail 0]

First off, I am sorry that you have to go through all this. Other people have offered you emotional advice so I'll just offer a suggestion immigration wise.. if you are truly done with this relationship and wish to end your marriage, I would promptly send a letter to the USCIS withdrawing your financial support. Since it looks like yo AOS hasn't been appvoed yet, my understanding is that until his AOS petition is approved, the i-485 isn't in effect. If he does not find another sponsor and if you do not go to the AOS interview with him, he has no legs to stand on, so to speak, and will not be granted a greencard.

Additionally, I would have his name removed from all financial accounts and start divorce proceedings immediatly. It won't be easy but since you stated that you want to end the relationship, this would be the route I suggest you take. You could offer to help him pack - when your children aren't around and possibly under the supervision of a close family friend- and provide him with a ticket home where he can be around family and friends who will help support him through this difficult time.

Good luck with however you decide to handle this <3

[VanessaTony 3,567]

First off, I am sorry that you have to go through all this. Other people have offered you emotional advice so I'll just offer a suggestion immigration wise.. if you are truly done with this relationship and wish to end your marriage, I would promptly send a letter to the USCIS withdrawing your financial support. Since it looks like yo AOS hasn't been appvoed yet, my understanding is that until his AOS petition is approved, the i-485 isn't in effect. If he does not find another sponsor and if you do not go to the AOS interview with him, he has no legs to stand on, so to speak, and will not be granted a greencard.

Additionally, I would have his name removed from all financial accounts and start divorce proceedings immediatly. It won't be easy but since you stated that you want to end the relationship, this would be the route I suggest you take. You could offer to help him pack - when your children aren't around and possibly under the supervision of a close family friend- and provide him with a ticket home where he can be around family and friends who will help support him through this difficult time.

Good luck with however you decide to handle this <3

Good advice. I particularly like you buying him a ticket home to his family where he can get the support he needs.

[Susita 175]

My advice - your children need you more than this grown man. Although it is sad that he obviously has psychiatric problems, you need to focus your attention on your kids.

If you didn't have children, it would be different, you could choose to focus your time & energy on him... but this isn't the case.

I say, be there for him as a friend if you can do so, but don't let it consume yours or your daughters' lives. Maybe his family will be able to help if he goes back to his home country, that could possibly be a better support system for him.

In any case, I wish you luck.

[Joseph and Tsion 0]

I met my husband online, like many of us did. He was in New Zealand and I was in the USA. I was leaving 1st husband and the relationship I had with Chris (my now husband and Green Card holder) was intense and romantic and fantastic. We decided to see if we felt the same things when we actually met. He came in January of last year and met me... I was still married but we got along so well and it was so wonderful that he decided to come back and see me again in March. He came on the VWP. Our love continued to develop and I hadn't completed my divorce but we wanted to be together and he proposed. My divorce got finalized during the 90 day VWP and we got married.

I know now that it was a mistake. I wasn't really ready for such another serious relationship as I still was getting over the emotional affects of my separation and divorce of husband 1. Chris and I are both passionate, stubborn, strong-willed and type A personalities. In many areas we were scarily identical. Unfortunately, in the areas we differed, we differed greatly. We'd have major fights. In one particular fight, he poured alcohol all over me. He drank every day because he said alcohol was the only thing he had. He has MS and can't be as active as he wants.

I had also told him before he came that my children were the most important thing to me and our relationship would hinge on the relationship that would develop between him and them. My younger daughter liked him quite a bit. My older daughter hated him. He was very strict and had some extreme rules that they just weren't used to. He would control me and them. My older daughter finally said that she'd end up either hurting him or hurting herself if I stayed with him. She's 12. She should not be having those feelings.

So Thursday night I told him that I wanted to end our relationship. He was angry and upset. In our past arguments he had threatened suicide when I'd leave to go to my friend's house, but he never actually did anything about it. People told me it was emotional blackmail and a control mechanism. Because I'd always come back when he threatened it.

I left around 7pm... He was texting me over and over and over. Around 10pm the texts stopped and I figured he'd drunk himself to unconsciousness and then yes try to reconcile with me yesterday. I went to bed when the texts stopped, got up and went to work. I tried calling him and emailing him with no answer. I have a very busy job so I tried a couple of times through the morning. I had my friend try to call him when I got no response, thinking he was ignoring my calls. She called and then texted me. I never got her text. When I called her to see if she got a hold of him she said she'd texted me.

Then I looked at my phone and realized that my memory was full. So I cleared out all the messages and restarted my phone. That was around 2pm on Friday. I had 10 unread texts from him. The last three texts were: "Thank you for leaving me your antidepressants" and then "Tell Meagan (my younger daughter) goodbye for me" and then "Make sure Brodie (our dog) goes to a good and loving him me". Needless to say I panicked at that point and called the police. THey went to my house and found him unconscious and not very responsive. The ambulance took him to the hospital where his body temp was 93 and he was in the effects of a drug overdose.

I went to the ER. He was incoherent. Mumbling. Tugging at the restraints, trying to pull out IV's and Catheters. It was awful. It was one of the most painful and horrible things I've ever seen. After a while he seemed to become a little more conscious and he was begging me to free his hands and when I said I couldn't his pulse went up to 170.... I eventually just had to leave because when I'd go see him, he'd get agitated.

They admitted him to the ICU and they think he'll survive. We have no idea what the damages might be yet though. They are going to put him in regular medical units when he is stable and off the medications necessary to get his system over the effects of the drugs. Then when he's rational, they are putting him in psych evaluation and then will not release him until he's under psychiatric care.

Even though he's not really been aggressive with me or the children, the doctor warned me that he may become aggressive now or he may try to do it again as soon as he's released.

I don't know what to do. I can't be with someone who would do that. I definitely can't have my children around someone like that. I know I'm financially responsible for him. What if he stays in a psych ward for a long time? What if they release him and he has to continue to be seen often by a psychiatrist?

I have to pay for all of this and what if he can't work? I won't divorce him yet, as he's on my insurance....

I'm just numb. I feel grief and pain and an overwhelming sense of rage that he'd do something like this. I just don't know what to do and I'm hoping for some advice or suggestions.... or anything...

What do I do?

what a mess