Texan Jokes

[cheeky^Wolf 0]

These were sent to me by a Texan friend. Long but funny

NEW TEXAN'S DIARY

May 30th:

Just moved to Dallas, Texas.

Now this is a city that knows how to live!!

Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place!

I watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket.

It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:

Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an

air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure

to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

June 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus

and rocks. What a breeze to maintain.

No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th :

The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used

to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But getting used to

the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.

July 15th:

Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body).

Missed 3 days of work What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though.

Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:

I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this

morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died

and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather

upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like

Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

July 25th:

The wind sucks.. It feels l ike a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's

hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is not working and the AC repairman

charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in damn

house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:

It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost

$500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this freaking humidity

makes the house feel like it's about 95. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid city.

Aug. 8th:

If another wise ### asks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to

strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling

over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black

leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my ### was on fire. I lost 2 layers

of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ###. Now my car smells

like burnt hair, fried ###, and baked cat.

Aug. 10th:

The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny.

Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do ###### for 2 damn

months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing now, so my

$1700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the damn pool.

Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th:

Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to crack the

window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came

to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the

$1500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Freaking Texas. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple from Texas and a couple from the east coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?" The east coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where ya'll from, b!tch?"

[incanada1234 0]

OMG, I don't know if it's because I'm just in a really good mood today or what but those had me laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes. I rarely read the joke threads so I'm glad I clicked on this one.

[gtigiant 0]

i enjoyed both of those. spent some time in dallas in sept in 100 degree heat for training once. that was enough for me.

[Ban Hammer 13,346]

and don't forget we love hot food too

[Canuck Carrie 1]

Switch Dallas to San Angelo and that's been my first few months here

[Ban Hammer 13,346]

Switch Dallas to San Angelo and that's been my first few months here

try brownsville during august

[Canuck Carrie 1]

Switch Dallas to San Angelo and that's been my first few months here

try brownsville during august

I heard it's scary there. I do like Port Aransas though, that's close to BVille. We don't get any humidity here, just tumbleweeds

[Ban Hammer 13,346]

Switch Dallas to San Angelo and that's been my first few months here

try brownsville during august

I heard it's scary there. I do like Port Aransas though, that's close to BVille. We don't get any humidity here, just tumbleweeds

yeah that was a fun place. spent a few summers there way back in the past

[AnaAndDaniel 0]

hey, the cheerleaders are hot too.

Daniel

:energetic:

[Ban Hammer 13,346]

hey, the cheerleaders are hot too.

Daniel

:energetic:

of course! the ugly ones are sent to the raiders

[AnaAndDaniel 0]

hey, the cheerleaders are hot too.

Daniel

:energetic:

of course! the ugly ones are sent to the raiders

another reason why i am a bronco fan!

Daniel

:energetic: