Missing home

[Amanda and Tony 0]

Fair disclosure, I don't have my K1 yet and my fiance has only been coming out on 3-month Visa Waiver Programme stints. In those, what really helped my fiance feel a part of what will be his new home is meeting his own set of friends - ones he could hang out with even when I wasn't there. When you're moving so far from all your friends and family, nothing makes a world seem isolating like only knowing one person. Of course, my fiance and I go out lots so it was easier than in your case. Maybe your husband could find communities online that are interested in things he's interested in. Joining up with a British expat group could help, as he could share his frustrations and get advice on how to move forward from those that have done it. Meetup.org seems to have British communities in most cities, and the chaps are always wonderful.

I agree. WhenI first came to the US I was incredibly homesick and then culture shock set in and it is hard. But the best way is to just get out there and mix as much as possible. I still missed home though and so along with a friend we started a Brit expat group in our city. It has been my life line. I'd just started dating my husband at the time and he didn't quite understand why I needed my "brit" time. It's great just to be able to talk to someone else who understands what it's like to live in another country. Now 3 years later my husband comes with me to events and we've made great friends from the group. Meetup.com is great and I'm sure there are other brits in your area. It does take effort but the results will be worth it.

Good luck and I hope that you and your husband can find a way to be happy here as it looks like you're here for awhile.

Amanda

[Gemmie 142]

I've been here for about 7 months now and I do find it difficult. I go crazy at times as I'm stuck at the in-laws, unemployed, unable to drive, and alone every day. I don't get "homesick" in the traditional sense, but I do get "familiar-sick" in that I miss knowing where I'm going, how to do things, where to buy things, how much things should cost, etc. I miss feeling like the old me, being independent. I miss being able to talk to people without them being startled by an accent and not listening to what I'm saying and then having to repeat it with people turning to look; and worse... when they start speaking louder and slower, as if I struggle with English. And yes, DisneyLovers, having the name Gemma is sometimes a curse as they've never heard of it.

Like MonkeyJuice, I miss going out with my best friends and all being so close together, especially when I hear that they've been meeting up without me, it stirs a feeling inside me that I hate; it's not jealousy, I'm glad they're getting on well, it's a worry that I'm missing out on such quality time with people I love. At the same time though, when I was out with them, I would miss my husband so much, and would often be thinking about what he's doing at that moment, when I'm going to see him next, etc. Sometimes I just burst into tears after talking to a friend from back home, and my husband gets confused to how I can be fine and laughing one minute, and crying the next. We were planning on sending me over for a visit, but it's all up in the air at the moment, because I really wanted to make a life for myself here before I go back; I don't want to be depressed when I get back - but I'm being pulled in every direction with my family wanting to see me.

This is what my plan is: get my resume perfected, send it to jobs that I think I would love to do... and also to a few jobs that will just give me anything to do during the day. Re-learn the driving theory. Look for a yoga class in the area to meet people and get out of the house. Start viewing some apartments. My MIL told me last night that I need some mental stimulation and should look at applying to some college classes in the evenings, and even offered to cover the insurance if they need it. Once I start moving, look at going to the UK for a visit.

What is your husband excited about? What is his passion? That might sound like an odd question but reading through your posts, you seem to describe a very passive person. He's not really had many friends, likes to keep himself to himself, doesn't want to drive around there, doesn't know what food he wants, doesn't even complain about it but just seems generally unhappy. It sounds like someone who feels stuck, that needs to find a new goal, something to be excited about over there. You say he used to like his sport, has he tried joining a gym and trying some of the other kind of stuff? Is there a career that he's always wanted to go for? Does he WANT to make some friends? If he has something to work towards, he can start building himself a life over here. If he's going to be here for another 7 years, he really needs to get involved as much as he can, and just make the most of it.

Edited January 8, 2010 by Gemmie

[Robyn-n-Kris 72]

I've been here for about 7 months now and I do find it difficult. I go crazy at times as I'm stuck at the in-laws, unemployed, unable to drive, and alone every day. I don't get "homesick" in the traditional sense, but I do get "familiar-sick" in that I miss knowing where I'm going, how to do things, where to buy things, how much things should cost, etc. I miss feeling like the old me, being independent. I miss being able to talk to people without them being startled by an accent and not listening to what I'm saying and then having to repeat it with people turning to look; and worse... when they start speaking louder and slower, as if I struggle with English. And yes, DisneyLovers, having the name Gemma is sometimes a curse as they've never heard of it.

Like MonkeyJuice, I miss going out with my best friends and all being so close together, especially when I hear that they've been meeting up without me, it stirs a feeling inside me that I hate; it's not jealousy, I'm glad they're getting on well, it's a worry that I'm missing out on such quality time with people I love. At the same time though, when I was out with them, I would miss my husband so much, and would often be thinking about what he's doing at that moment, when I'm going to see him next, etc. Sometimes I just burst into tears after talking to a friend from back home, and my husband gets confused to how I can be fine and laughing one minute, and crying the next. We were planning on sending me over for a visit, but it's all up in the air at the moment, because I really wanted to make a life for myself here before I go back; I don't want to be depressed when I get back - but I'm being pulled in every direction with my family wanting to see me.

This is what my plan is: get my resume perfected, send it to jobs that I think I would love to do... and also to a few jobs that will just give me anything to do during the day. Re-learn the driving theory. Look for a yoga class in the area to meet people and get out of the house. Start viewing some apartments. My MIL told me last night that I need some mental stimulation and should look at applying to some college classes in the evenings, and even offered to cover the insurance if they need it. Once I start moving, look at going to the UK for a visit.

What is your husband excited about? What is his passion? That might sound like an odd question but reading through your posts, you seem to describe a very passive person. He's not really had many friends, likes to keep himself to himself, doesn't want to drive around there, doesn't know what food he wants, doesn't even complain about it but just seems generally unhappy. It sounds like someone who feels stuck, that needs to find a new goal, something to be excited about over there. You say he used to like his sport, has he tried joining a gym and trying some of the other kind of stuff? Is there a career that he's always wanted to go for? Does he WANT to make some friends? If he has something to work towards, he can start building himself a life over here. If he's going to be here for another 7 years, he really needs to get involved as much as he can, and just make the most of it.

Gemma, thank you for your response. I've suggested trying to find something he enjoys doing but he's so specific. Back home (in the UK) his life was work, home or badmitton. If he had a stressful day he could lose himself in loud music and drive the winding rounds by his hometown (very fast). He enjoyed driving but not in the sense most people do. He loved to feel the road and the world move past him. Here you just can't get that. You point the car in the right direction and no thought is really involved. (Plus he preferred driving a stick and my car is an auto). Getting him involved I would do if he wanted to but he doesn't hence the loss of what to do. I think for now.. best I can do is try everything and just hope he manages ok for now. We have to be careful of what we spend because we want to save up as much as possible to use to move back over to the UK.

I guess for now. just fingers crossed the visit will help and we will get through the next 7ish years.

[*julez* 124]

I'm sorry, but this all just sounds like a big load of excuses! Its easy to blame the US for all it's terribleness, and don't get me wrong, I understand it is a HUGE adjustment, but life is what you make it. Sure, the US is different than the UK and you can't get all the same things here, but there are lots of reasonable substitutions available to those who are willing to try. Will is be *exactly* the same? Probably not, but I think any reasonable person could adjust to new foods, ultra-picky included. I find it hard to believe that there is not ONE food in all of the US that can satisfy his tastebuds.

I know my husband when through a brief bouts of homesickness during his first year here, but he decided that he needed to figure out how to not only live, but thrive here in the US. Its all too easy to keep looking behind at what once was, but life keeps moving forward and you do have make a concious decision to keep up with life and embrace changes. I agree with Gemmie in that your husband sounds stuck - but stuck in the past! The US will never be the same as the UK! But it is liveable! There has got to be something here that your husband can enjoy.

Plus, it really doesn't help for you to be so apologetic about his life here in Texas. You have nothing to apologize for! I'm sure you both talked a lot about his moving here before he moved here and what it would mean in the big picture and how long he was committing to being here. He made a choice to come here, now HE needs to figure out how to build a life here. You've done everything you can to make things good for him here, but now its HIS turn to get off his ####### and try life American style.

(And I am sorry if I sound harsh, but this just sounds like someone who is fairly young and needs to grow up a bit)

[English Muffin 59]

I'm with Julez on this. At first I thought you were going to tell us that your husband was having trouble adjusting due to things out of his control, but it doesn't sound like he's doing anything to help his own situation.

Just because driving in the UK is different to driving in the US it doesn't mean that he shouldn't do it!! If he got his DL it would give him a lot of freedom and that made a big difference to me when I first moved here. He may not be able to go on long drives along meandering country lanes but at least he'd have some independence and be able to get out and about. I also think that your attitude to driving isn't helping him. If a USC is constantly telling him that the roads and drivers are bad and a person really shouldn't drive unless it's absolutely necessary it's no wonder he's afraid of getting behind the wheel. Perhaps if you tried to be a bit more positive about driving over here it would help him.

And claiming that he can't get British food is bs too. There are numerous websites that sell it in the US, or you could get relatives to send it. Alternatively he could try all the food that the US has to offer and get some new favourites. I miss certain foods from the UK too but it doesn't affect my quality of life on a day to day basis.

I'm sorry to be so blunt but it really does sound like your husband has decided that he's not going to like the US no matter what, and he's just making a lot of excuses as to why he shouldn't do anything to help himself.

I can understand that you came here looking for advice on how you can help him but I have a feeling that no matter what you suggest it won't make any difference - he's already made his mind up.

[Robyn-n-Kris 72]

wow.. ok guess I won't come for advice from now on.. Mad.. we've tried the chicken.. sorry the roasted ones here they use TONS of spices.. we've done it ourselve but it doesn't come out the same.. Gammon can't be purchased in the states unless you are willnig to pay a ton of money.. fish.. he likes Haddock.. can't get it.. cod.. only once in awhile and its not cheap.

I'm sorry but I'll just drop this subject since it seems to cause issues.

Thanks for those who tried to give suggestions.

Mad..we have a life.. He's just not happy here in the US. It DOES happen

[Brit Abroad 166]

Sounds like good old homesickness. We all go through it at some stage, normally after the excitement of being with our fiance/e in a new country has worn off and the daily routine becomes established.

There are plenty of things you can do to help, though. Give him time to indulge his homesickness, maybe 3 months or so for the worst of it and then kick his ####### and tell him to start looking for ways to bring what he loved from the UK over here. Go out to a hardware store and buy some netting and some poles - make him his own garden badminton court and invite people round to learn how to play it. It's not a tough thing to do at all. Fish and chips? Easy to cook. Lots of recipes for beer batter on the UK food sites, and chips are beyond simple to do. Thick slice a potato into much, much chunkier fries and cook them in a saucepan with canola oil until they are golden brown on the outside and soft on the inside. I started making them as a comfort food for myself, now my husband begs for them. Cereal? What kind of cereal does he have that you can't buy the base ingredient here and add to it? I'm confused.

Driving can be intimidating in a new location. So can learning a new set of rules and being confident in using them. Encourage him to keep trying, he'll feel so much more independent if he just has the opportunity to be able to take off when homesickness bites. Every area has it's country roads, just a case of digging out that map and finding where best to go.

Many moons ago someone linked a graph about homesickness ... figured I'd share it again!

[britbird 4]

Not sure what part of Texas you are in, but if you are in the Giant part (Lubbock for instance) then understand that could be a bit of a bummer if you like some gradient in your life.

Why don't you just move to somewhere that's a little less...Texas? Plenty of mad crazy roads all over the US. I like Northern California myself, but there are loads all over the place - we just spent some time in Virginia and the driving was goooood.

Why don't you just go and get a stick shift car? Doesn't have to be anything fancy.

Roast chicken. I am having trouble understanding how you are having trouble with this...roast chicken tastes like roast chicken to me - go to Costco and buy a rotiserie one, slap some Bisto and Paxo on it et voila. Or get a fresh bird from the store, put some butter all over it and shove it in the oven with some black pepper...No need to go put BBQ rub on it or anything.

Gammon, again should be fine - if you want it to be unadulterated then find out where a pig farm is and get some direclty - boil it on the stove, then put it in a slow cooker with some coke (my mum does this in england, it's great) and then put the classic glaze on it.

Sounds to me like you guys should go out there and have some fun - go take some trips to other parts of the US and see if there are some areas that suit him better. I would hate to live in Lubbock, but Austin would be great. Same as I would hate to live in LA, but San Francisco would be awesome. No badminton? Why not try a softball league (pretty easy to play and a good way to hang out with people).

[*julez* 124]

At grocery stores here you can buy plain already roasted chickens for $4.99. You could ask at your grocery store if they make plain ones, or if they will for you. I'd be shocked if they wouldn't.

For the gammon, my husband has found that ham steaks are an excellent substitute and are very affordable.

With regard to the fish, if you ask at your grocery store, most will accomodate your requests for special items. If cod is too expensive for the whole family, why not treat your husband to a piece for himself and prepare a less expensive fish for yourself and the kids?

And I definitely agree that he needs to face up to this driving issue. Sure, there are agressive drivers here but not *every* driver! And there are agressive drivers in the UK too. he just needs to learn that he can handle driving here too. If you are so negative about driving, he will be too. Being positive, supportive and encouraging will go a long way towards his success.

And really ignore mad people. He/she is a troll and deliberately tries to upset people.

As for the rest of us who've offered a bit of tough love, as hard as it can be to accept, sometimes you (as in every person) just need a good kick up the #######! I really believe that your husband can be happy here. You both need to keep working at it (him especially) to figure out what does work for him here. Otherwise its going to be a shitty 7 more years.

[britbird 4]

Ham steaks! That's it - my husband likes those - where we live the store sells them in a shrink wrapped pack of about two - i just cut a couple of scores in the fatty bits on the edge and put them in a pan. Taste about the same to me as a gammon steak. Grill a pineapple ring (we brits are fond of our pineapple rings), fry a couple eggs and oven bake some chips and you should be on the way to half a smile from your brit husband.

[*julez* 124]

Ham steaks! That's it - my husband likes those - where we live the store sells them in a shrink wrapped pack of about two - i just cut a couple of scores in the fatty bits on the edge and put them in a pan. Taste about the same to me as a gammon steak. Grill a pineapple ring (we brits are fond of our pineapple rings), fry a couple eggs and oven bake some chips and you should be on the way to half a smile from your brit husband.

Don't forget some heinz beans in tomato sauce!

[britbird 4]

Don't forget some heinz beans in tomato sauce!

lol....how could i forget (yummmmm...i actually don't mind the Heinz 'vegetarian' beans they sell over here...a bit more mushy than the UK version, but they'll do

Funny thing is, my mum now prefers Stove Top stuffing to paxo. Isn't assimilation fun?

[hudons 0]

Sorry to hear that your hubby is having a hard time.

I live in NH so driving isn't really an issue. There are times when I'm more likely to meet a moose on the road than another person!

However, I found that a few home comforts were really helpful. I watch BBC America religiously, the news is in a very familiar format that is comforting - if news can be.

Also, I have bought my fave UK TV series in box sets from Amazon in US format.

And, there are plenty of places on the web to buy good imported English food. Most butchers will cut bacon like in England if you ask and describe it. I order Marmite, HP Sauce and Golden Syrup on a regular basis. Check out Google and see if you can find a good site. English Tea Shop is the one I use.

Best of luck.

[britbird 4]

However, I found that a few home comforts were really helpful. I watch BBC America religiously, the news is in a very familiar format that is comforting - if news can be.

Also, I have bought my fave UK TV series in box sets from Amazon in US format.

And, there are plenty of places on the web to buy good imported English food. Most butchers will cut bacon like in England if you ask and describe it. I order Marmite, HP Sauce and Golden Syrup on a regular basis. Check out Google and see if you can find a good site. English Tea Shop is the one I use.

Best of luck.

Netflix has a great selection of british TV shows - both via their DVD mailing system and their online videos. Always nice to watch a few episodes of Top Gear

[Gemmie 142]

Many moons ago someone linked a graph about homesickness ... figured I'd share it again!

Wow, thanks so much for posting this. I related to all of it. Right now I seem to be going through the inner crisis stage, but have just started to explore other options that are available, so hopefully I'll follow the rest of the chart as well. I think it's so important to have the times where you cry and mourn for your old life, take comfort in whatever kind of imports that you can, but also try and make a new one for yourself. That is what I'm learning, that just because I'm in a mess right now, I won't always b, as long as I stick at it.

January has been a turning phase for me where I decided I was fed up of being down about everything I lost, and was going to make myself a life here. My MIL has told me that on the 14th, she's taking me to the DMV for my written test.. and just having people look at my resume and give me some advice on it has been immensely helpful, and makes me realise what I have to offer the US.