Worried / Advanced Parole

[Oksana81 0]

Don't misunderstand an unwillingness to do something with not understanding. There is volunteerism in Russia, albeit on a much smaller scale than the West. Hell, the Soviet Union was practically run on compulsory volunteerism. She understands the concept, she just doesn't want to do it.

The ball is firmly in her court. You've presented a pretty wide array of things for her to keep herself busy, and she's come up with an excuse for each one of them. You're not facing a cultural thing, you're facing stubbornness. She has to want this, and she has to realize that you don't have a magic wand that's just going to make her happy. Right now she's probably sitting back waiting for you to come up with yet another idea that finally might sound appealing to her. Let her know you're all out of ideas, start going through all the options again, and answer any questions or concerns she has the best you can. It's all well and good to be delicate during the adjustment period, but at some point she has to show some motivation. I speak from experience.

very well put

[shikarnov 7]

Don't misunderstand an unwillingness to do something with not understanding. There is volunteerism in Russia, albeit on a much smaller scale than the West. Hell, the Soviet Union was practically run on compulsory volunteerism. She understands the concept, she just doesn't want to do it.

The ball is firmly in her court. You've presented a pretty wide array of things for her to keep herself busy, and she's come up with an excuse for each one of them. You're not facing a cultural thing, you're facing stubbornness. She has to want this, and she has to realize that you don't have a magic wand that's just going to make her happy. Right now she's probably sitting back waiting for you to come up with yet another idea that finally might sound appealing to her. Let her know you're all out of ideas, start going through all the options again, and answer any questions or concerns she has the best you can. It's all well and good to be delicate during the adjustment period, but at some point she has to show some motivation. I speak from experience.

Your point is certainly valid -- and I've even said as much to her. In her hometown (what Russians would call a village, but what I see as a small town), ambition is not common, and dependency is the norm. In Russia she did what she was told because there weren't other options, because people depended on her contributions, or because her brother would scream at her if she dared not comply. I guess I just thought that here, in "the land of opportunity," she'd take advantage of the options before her. I'm starting to think that, removed from the sometimes harsh direction her family provided, she's doomed to paralysis. I tried, once, to be more blunt/forceful with her, but I didn't like it very much, and she wasn't at all responsive (probably because she recognized it as a technique/act).

How do you teach somebody to be independent when dependence is all they've known? How do you explain to somebody who believes life is given that it's actually made? I sometimes wonder if I just missed/ignored some important clues while I lived with her in Russia, or if her family's string pulling gave the illusion of an independent young woman on her way to a bright future, when, in fact, she never existed...

Edited December 29, 2009 by shikarnov

[mox 298]

How do you teach somebody to be independent when dependence is all they've known? How do you explain to somebody who believes life is given that it's actually made? She wasn't like this in Russia. I sometimes wonder if I just missed/ignored some important clues while I lived there for years with her, or if her family's string pulling gave the illusion of an independent young woman on her way to a bright future, when, in fact, she never existed...

Don't think you have to teach her independence, because you don't. If there's a more independent person than the Russian woman, I have yet to meet it. Homesickness and a feeling of being overwhelmed might be suppressing that instinct right now, but it'll come back to her. She just needs her pilot light re-lit or something.

I have a feeling she's eventually going to get so goddamned bored that she'll eventually latch onto one of the ideas you've come up with. How about making it into a physical list, and then leaving it with her every day when you head out to work. When you get home, ask her which one she chose. If she didn't make a choice, ask her again the next day. Maybe make some calls on her behalf. "Hey honey, I talked to that clinic today and they said there's a couple volunteer positions available. Orientation is next Tuesday, 6pm. I can drive you." (that's actually how I got my wife into a volunteer position at the hospital) Basically, if you've run out of ideas, then it's time to start approaching your existing ideas with a little more creativity.

[slim 1,525]

I stopped paying for everything and found an excuse to waste any extra money I had.

She was working in no time!

[baron555 934]

Well, at issue, Slim, is the time between the I94 expiration and the first AOS notice of action (which, due to logistical and financial circumstances, totals 340 days) during which she was, according to some sources, "out of status" for longer than 180 days and thus illegal. I sure hope it's as simple as "don't worry about it."

She's got the AP. Stop worrying. They wouldn't have given her the AP unless there was a problem, similar to what you are fearing. There is not a problem. Stop worrying. The only problem is in your head. Stop worrying. She has the AP.