husbands attitude

[Ning 619]

Wow some posters out here might help if you guys learn how to be a bit tactful.

phopho06, can you get a job? I know you are living in the country side, so there might not be many jobs but you can try some tavern or helping someone in there farm? May be your husband will oppose to this too, how about having your own garden, I would assume you might have some land in your backyard. May be go to the library with your husband, select some books on gardening, start reading them now and then once spring comes you can start your garden. Or just anything to occupy you.

You are in a marriage, I personally would get out of a marriage like this where I am being trapped, but I do understand some people might want to work towards saving it and from your posts it looks like you are asking for ideas of how to save it. Whatever submissive-dominant role playing situation you are in, if you do want to continue living that, then you have to find alternatives to find peace with it. So find yourself a hobby which you think your husband won't have problem with, which you can do from home, he won't have reasons to be jealous of things.

If not gardening, how about sewing/painting/scrap booking, just anything which will keep you occupied. Also with that large age difference have you thought what will you do if your husband dies suddenly? How are you going to support yourself? You have to think about this factor too.

I wish you best and hope you don't feel bad about the slamming towards you by a few posters.

Yes its much better to sugar coat this so she feels good while she is reading the information.

Lets see. You think she should get a job in a bar or helping someone on a farm. Her husband will certianly think a bar would be great for her. Of course she will not have any problems with that.

Or a farm. Winter is a great time to work on farms. They are always looking for inexperianced help.

Just occupy yourself with some good books.

Then remind her she is married. Then again tell her you would get out if shes trapped. Those are the reasons she wrote.

Find a hobby so she can continue the submissive role you have in mind for her. Just find anything to do so she doesnt have to live with reality.

Good idea to begin thinking over what to do if when dies. Thats sugar coated & tactful. She should make a hobby of figuring out what to do when he dies. She has never thought of that I am sure. Great advise, tactfully done at Xmas time!

I am sure she feels better now. Your gentle slamming is easier to take & has a greater impact.

[FortLaudy 10]

Shani682,

I agree with the possibility of the rest of your post but I must comment on the beginning (quoted) section.

The Philippines is one of those countries where it is difficult to get a Visitor's Visa to the US, especially if you're a young poor female without extremely strong ties to convince the CO you intend to return home. In her case visiting the US simply wasn't an option (same for my wife).

Well, if someone is too poor to even be qualified to visit another country and have no strong ties to their own country then it's very understandable that the US won't allow them to visit... It also begs the question: Why would any, normal, sane, male USC want to marry someone like this? someone that the US won't even grant a VISITOR visa to???

Young Phillipina girls need to understand something Very clear: men looking to marry someone (after a short or no courtship at all) who is from an impoverished country is looking for a very specific type of woman, say what you will, I know this is true. They will, even if there is no love get married to her: She is subservient, traditional, loyal to him, not outspoken, accepts what is given to her and makes no demands, pleases her husband in bed etc.

If you are not willing to put up with an old man who expects you to behave like above, then do not get married to him and do not complain when he expects you to be like this after the wedding... this is what (in his mind) he paid for...

[Wei&Shu(Joe) 2]

I don't mean to be rude but here is my opinion:

The main thing I see is you're trying to find excuses to get out now you've "put up with him" for 2 years. It honestly reads like you got into this relationship for the greencard.

Also, speaking in a foreign language with someone who doesn't speak it around you is EXTREMELY rude, like EXTREMELY rude. I personally would feel like you're trying to keep secrets and laughing about him behind his back.

a 40 year age gap IS huge but my parents have been happily married for almost 30 years with a 40 year age gap so this is not an excuse. This is the people, not the relationship or age-gap.

As for the internet "limit".. if you were in Australia I would understand that as we have a limit, but in the US 99.9% of internet plans are unlimited.

I think a lot of people saying that it's fear of losing you are correct. You constantly on the phone, talking in another language with him around.. these would worry him that you're plotting leaving. There's obviously a lack of trust here and I truly hope that you can sit down and talk to him about it and sort it out.

Good luck.

I just can't imagine how speaking in a different language would be rude, unless the person you are speaking around is incredibly insecure and would decide to imagine that you were laughing at them behind their back. But there's medicine for that...I would suggest that anyone who projects that onto a person speaking another language ought to get some help for that insecurity/paranoia promptly.

I'm happy when my wife can speak to friends/family in her native language. It's her opportunity to relax and not have to think so hard about how to express herself in English. I also take the time to listen as a way of becoming familiar with the language the way a child would by hearing it frequently.

I would say to the OP that your husband's responses to you speaking your native language are about him and does not represent rudeness or thoughtlessness on your part. It does reveal your husband's deep insecurity and I would encourage him to face that and resolve it because if he doesn't, that insecurity will poison your relationship, no matter what changes you make.

[Ning 619]

please explain why you state that her husband is a "horrible" man...do you know him? or do you have a superior intellect? or perhaps u r a mystic with sage eyes? have you ever cheerleaded a suicide attempt? you know...stood under the ledge and shouted..jump! jump!...maybe you could do this professionally...u shud google job openings for this...see if any1 is hiring? what you think about that?

wow!

The story speaks for its self. No I dont know him. Do You? My intellect isnt anymore in question than yours is.

What I think about you shouldnt be written here. Mostly I dont give a sh** what you think.

I dont see any advise from you on the situation. You are just another pissed off pinay trying to support one of your own. Do so by sending her your phone number & a plane ticket to your house for Christmas.

Especially if you think she is going to commit suicide. I didnt indicate she should think of suicide. You did. I said she should get out of her situation. You think she should stay?

Try to work on your own problems that should keep you busy. Or is this your hobby? You must be the Marcos of V J with your superior knowledge & insite.

[Tahoma 2,292]

I just can't imagine how speaking in a different language would be rude, unless the person you are speaking around is incredibly insecure and would decide to imagine that you were laughing at them behind their back. But there's medicine for that...I would suggest that anyone who projects that onto a person speaking another language ought to get some help for that insecurity/paranoia promptly.

I'm happy when my wife can speak to friends/family in her native language. It's her opportunity to relax and not have to think so hard about how to express herself in English. I also take the time to listen as a way of becoming familiar with the language the way a child would by hearing it frequently.

I would say to the OP that your husband's responses to you speaking your native language are about him and does not represent rudeness or thoughtlessness on your part. It does reveal your husband's deep insecurity and I would encourage him to face that and resolve it because if he doesn't, that insecurity will poison your relationship, no matter what changes you make.

My husband always encourages me to use my native language when I talk to other Filipinas here. Everytime I read a topic like this, I just can't help but be thankful that I married this special guy who has always been very supportive and loving to me. At the same time, I feel sad to know that this is another Fil-Am relationship going bad.

Phopho,

I agree with what some posters suggested to you, talk to him calmly about how you feel. Do it when you know that he is relax and ready to talk. If you have difficulty expressing yourself verbally, I suggest that you can try writing him a letter or an email. Try not to be judgmental, he will just be defensive. He may not be aware of his behavior towards you. Sometimes, some people need someone to point out their bad attitudes to them directly. Tell him that some of his actions are hurting you and know the reasons why he act that way, why he will not allow you to see your friends or speak your language. Both of you should know how to compromise. He may have his reasons why he acted that way, he may be insecure or whatever but you should know exactly how he feels and then take it from there. If you feel that he is willing to compromise then that is a good sign. But if he still continues to control you, then I think it is time to go to a marriage counselor.

You said that this might be your saddest Christmas ever. You can still do something about it. Make it a happy Christmas for you and your husband. Prepare something for him with whatever grocery you have. Maybe he just needs a little 'lambing' from you. If he still ignores you and still acts angry, then I suggest that you should not let him ruin your Christmas. Do something for yourself... pamper yourself. Think of happy thoughts instead of dwelling in your problems. At least you know that he doesn't deserve your love.

~Chinook

[ellmvl 1]

As a filipina...I really find it awkward to speak English around my Filipina friends because one would prolly think...oh just because you are in the US you forgot your own language already? Even my co-workers warned me to kick me out of the office if come there one day to visit and i speak English to them. LOL I know it is rude to talk to your friends in your native language around with your American husband...but hello, if it's on the phone or in the computer i guess that is fine since it is only a two way conversation...unless you guys are in a conference. An insecure man would really make this thing a big deal. And pls give your wife a lil break...speaking english all the time can be stressful in the mind you know?

Well, if someone is too poor to even be qualified to visit another country and have no strong ties to their own country then it's very understandable that the US won't allow them to visit... It also begs the question: Why would any, normal, sane, male USC want to marry someone like this? someone that the US won't even grant a VISITOR visa to???

What kind of question is that? So a normal, sane, male USC should not marry any poor girl that cant qualify for a US visitor visa? Is that how you should set your standard in finding someone to marry? So are you telling us...you married your wife because she is of course rich? Sounds like more of a business approach.

As far as I know, marriage is a non-stop learning process. Even how long you've been together, everyday you will still learn something from your partner. So a long engagement doesn't guarantee you a wonderful marriage. It is how you are open and committed to accept ones differences.

To the OP:

I know how hard it is to be stuck in the house all the time, I myself is in that situation too but unlike you, I don't have friends here yet and it is not because my husband is stopping me. It is just I don't go out much co'z it's too cold It is ok to be submissive to your husband in a positive way but please know your limitations. If you think he's taking away your freedom then let him know right away and explain to him why it is making you upset. If you are just going to cry there...then there is no way he can read your mind through your tears. Sometimes our husband needs some spanking lol. Ohh my husband likes it when I do that Anyway, try to ask your husband why he doesn't like you talking or meeting your friends...maybe that way you can also understand him. Just communication dear. It took me years to learn that. I used to just turn off my computer and cry and feeling sorry for myself when i get upset with my husband...but now that we're living together...I really need to start talking. BUT now, my husband thinks that I am annoying co'z I cant shut my mouth. men men men...so hard to spell sometimes!

I really hope you guys can fix this issues in your relationship. Actually it is not something so hard to deal with...it just needs communication and compromise. If one party refuse to make a change then that is the time you decide what is good for both of you. I know you are sad right now...but try to cheer up a lil bit and think positive. Merry Christmas

[FortLaudy 10]

What kind of question is that? So a normal, sane, male USC should not marry any poor girl that cant qualify for a US visitor visa? Is that how you should set your standard in finding someone to marry? So are you telling us...you married your wife because she is of course rich? Sounds like more of a business approach.

I am not the USC, I'm his wife. We got married because we are on an equal level taking in consideration Everthing: Education level, Financial stability , cultural background, age, looks, etc. because we have both our best interests at heart and also those of our future kids- we got to know each other's interests through an ENGAGEMENT period - more people on here should try that! we can't imagine life without one another and love each other deeply. Do I think it's a little stupid to marry someone from a really poor family? Definetely, unless you're really well off and can take on the burden of completely caring for a wife if she's uneducated (being very poor, probably is) and possibly her immediate and extended family. Also, the poverty factor is not the only thing embassies consider during the process of usuing a visit visa!

As far as I know, marriage is a non-stop learning process. Even how long you've been together, everyday you will still learn something from your partner. So a long engagement doesn't guarantee you a wonderful marriage. It is how you are open and committed to accept ones differences.

No it doesn't, but you'll more than likely get to know someone well enough to know if they'll want to lock you in the house after the wedding or not!

I know how hard it is to be stuck in the house all the time, I myself is in that situation too but unlike you, I don't have friends here yet and it is not because my husband is stopping me. It is just I don't go out much co'z it's too cold It is ok to be submissive to your husband in a positive way but please know your limitations.

you sound soooo happy!

[Ning 619]

Hi,

As we are reading your post, we feel sorry for you. The only solution (we could think of) is to have a honest and (from the) heart conversation with your husband about EVERYTHING!!! Marriage is all about love, understanding and compromise...,if there is really love that ties the two of you. (I believe there is within you...right?) Communicate to your husband; 1)having a filipina friends is extremely important to you 2) you are not plotting to leave him and 3) you are trying to cope with your homesickness and transition in order to be a better wife.

As for speaking own language; a husband around is not a big deal and RUDE as long as you translate for him during/afterwards, specially while you are just talking on the phone.

We do wonder if you are making an issue of the age gap...want to ask you a question...seems the answer is obvious but want to hear from you on this pls...why did you mention the age gap?

Here is the sympathy you were looking for from someone that knows exacly what is going on. She has given you great advice. So far she thinks you have been dishonest with your husband & you need to speak from the heart. Speak of EVERYTHING. Remember you didnt know that marrige is about love, understanding & compromise. Your marrige wasnt based on any of that from what this wise old sage says.

Read the list & follow it.

# 1 Let your husband know your pinay friends are EXTREAMELY important to you. He wouldnt have known.

# 2 Tell him you arent going to leave him. He'll understand right away. Of course your post doesnt mention anything about leaving him so just bring it up as she says.

# 3 Do a better job at becoming a good wife like she says. You just havent done anything right according to these people.

Let your husband know these people have explained to you that all you need to do is speak the language that he doesnt want you to use & then simply translate everything that was said so he can understand. That is what a good submissive wife would do. He will of course believe you have told him everything just as it was said & change his inferior feelings.

Now they want to know an answer to their question which they admit has an obviouse answer. Why would you even mention the age difference? This answer will turn the tide in your favor & make them happy as well.

The short story of these peoples advice is you are to stay & endure your situation until you make these adjustments to your marrige that you never thought of.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Here is the sympathy you were looking for from someone that knows exacly what is going on. She has given you great advice. So far she thinks you have been dishonest with your husband & you need to speak from the heart. Speak of EVERYTHING. Remember you didnt know that marrige is about love, understanding & compromise. Your marrige wasnt based on any of that from what this wise old sage says.

Read the list & follow it.

# 1 Let your husband know your pinay friends are EXTREAMELY important to you. He wouldnt have known.

# 2 Tell him you arent going to leave him. He'll understand right away. Of course your post doesnt mention anything about leaving him so just bring it up as she says.

# 3 Do a better job at becoming a good wife like she says. You just havent done anything right according to these people.

Let your husband know these people have explained to you that all you need to do is speak the language that he doesnt want you to use & then simply translate everything that was said so he can understand. That is what a good submissive wife would do. He will of course believe you have told him everything just as it was said & change his inferior feelings.

Now they want to know an answer to their question which they admit has an obviouse answer. Why would you even mention the age difference? This answer will turn the tide in your favor & make them happy as well.

The short story of these peoples advice is you are to stay & endure your situation until you make these adjustments to your marrige that you never thought of.

I agree with what you said on items #1 and #2. Indeed, communicating to the husband that her friends are important and that she will stay with him are ok. But puhleaze, tell me you were kidding on item #3...

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

The story speaks for its self. No I dont know him. Do You? My intellect isnt anymore in question than yours is.

What I think about you shouldnt be written here. Mostly I dont give a sh** what you think.

I dont see any advise from you on the situation. You are just another pissed off pinay trying to support one of your own. Do so by sending her your phone number & a plane ticket to your house for Christmas.

Especially if you think she is going to commit suicide. I didnt indicate she should think of suicide. You did. I said she should get out of her situation. You think she should stay?

Try to work on your own problems that should keep you busy. Or is this your hobby? You must be the Marcos of V J with your superior knowledge & insite.

read the thread...we gave advice. we admonished you bcoz of ur agressive encouragement to divorce. Why r u so fast to encourage this pinay to hate a man when she is clearly just trying to understand her situation?

she wants advice to achieve compromise but u dont see that bcoz you're just like what you said, you dont give a sh** what ypou read.

do you really understand what you're reading? where in the WORLD did you get the idea that WE suggested her suicide??? re-read our comment and, if you use ur brain, YOU wil understand that we are jabbing you.

your comments are the antithesis of marriage!

[Jasman0717 9]

My husband always encourages me to use my native language when I talk to other Filipinas here. Everytime I read a topic like this, I just can't help but be thankful that I married this special guy who has always been very supportive and loving to me. At the same time, I feel sad to know that this is another Fil-Am relationship going bad.

Right on I always worry that maybe Claudeth might forget her language if she doesn't get to use is. I let her call her family as often as we can afford and try to take her to Filipino places where she can speak in her only language.

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

Here is the sympathy you were looking for from someone that knows exacly what is going on. She has given you great advice. So far she thinks you have been dishonest with your husband & you need to speak from the heart. Speak of EVERYTHING. Remember you didnt know that marrige is about love, understanding & compromise. Your marrige wasnt based on any of that from what this wise old sage says.

Read the list & follow it.

# 1 Let your husband know your pinay friends are EXTREAMELY important to you. He wouldnt have known.

# 2 Tell him you arent going to leave him. He'll understand right away. Of course your post doesnt mention anything about leaving him so just bring it up as she says.

# 3 Do a better job at becoming a good wife like she says. You just havent done anything right according to these people.

Let your husband know these people have explained to you that all you need to do is speak the language that he doesnt want you to use & then simply translate everything that was said so he can understand. That is what a good submissive wife would do. He will of course believe you have told him everything just as it was said & change his inferior feelings.

Now they want to know an answer to their question which they admit has an obviouse answer. Why would you even mention the age difference? This answer will turn the tide in your favor & make them happy as well.

The short story of these peoples advice is you are to stay & endure your situation until you make these adjustments to your marrige that you never thought of.

we oppose posts that are fast to encourage divorce...you put her on a clock...reminded her time is short coz the year is almost over..it's almost as though u r waiting outside for her to leave so you can move in...

we are encouraging communication that will achieve mutual respect...you are sensationalizing and twisting our advice to justify urself.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

we oppose posts that are fast to encourage divorce...you put her on a clock...reminded her time is short coz the year is almost over..it's almost as though u r waiting outside for her to leave so you can move in...

we are encouraging communication that will achieve mutual respect...you are sensationalizing and twisting our advice to justify urself.

Who is "we" exactly? I doubt you can read the OP's mind, or anyone else's. From the OP's situation, seems she is at quite a desperate place; where divorce is, indeed, an option --the only one? not likely, but an option nonetheless. At the end of the day, it is neither your or mine decision what she does with her life.

[Ning 619]

read the thread...we gave advice. we admonished you bcoz of ur agressive encouragement to divorce. Why r u so fast to encourage this pinay to hate a man when she is clearly just trying to understand her situation?

she wants advice to achieve compromise but u dont see that bcoz you're just like what you said, you dont give a sh** what ypou read.

do you really understand what you're reading? where in the WORLD did you get the idea that WE suggested her suicide??? re-read our comment and, if you use ur brain, YOU wil understand that we are jabbing you.

your comments are the antithesis of marriage!

You need a English comprehension lesson before you attempt to admonish anyone.

I didnt tell her to divorce.

I didnt tell her to hate anyone.

I didnt say a word to her about suicide. Where the hell did you get that idea from? Out of your head I guess.

Its your nasty brain that needs to read what you wrote not me. All of the above ideas came out of your understanding of what I actually said.

I also didnt say I didnt give a sh** what I read. I said " I dont give a shi* what YOU think. I havent changed my mind.

You re- read what you said & take responcibilty for the suicide comment. You are the one that wrote that not me. This is a serious thing you have done & I will not have you pretending that I came up with that idea. You need to now make sure nothing happens to her because of what YOU have done.

Jab your self in the a** sweetheart & get off mine.

She unlike you, clearly understands her situation. You seem to think she is to stupid to even uderstand her own situation. She wants to know what to do about it.

Confine yourself to what you understand & advise the O P & not me.

[Ning 619]

we oppose posts that are fast to encourage divorce...you put her on a clock...reminded her time is short coz the year is almost over..it's almost as though u r waiting outside for her to leave so you can move in...

we are encouraging communication that will achieve mutual respect...you are sensationalizing and twisting our advice to justify urself.

You read into the posts whatever you want so it makes no difference what you think.

I put her on a clock? How long do you think she should stay to give your sage advise a try? Let he know not me.

I am waiting outside so I can move in? You are simply looking for trouble & have no idea of what you are talking about.

Your advise is self evident. I dont need to twist it. It speaks for its self & is worthless to her. You may live in a fairy tale world but she sure doesnt.

Why dont you do something about her situation in a positive way? Have her come to your house for further pinay marrige courses or at least open a direct line of communication with her. Get off the side lines & get in the game full time.

Ask her to look outside & see if I am there. Or is it you she is looking at?