husbands attitude

[Ning 619]

hello guys

i really need advice regarding with the attitude of my husband and my condition..we got married and things is working out good and now we are 6 months married my 2yrs green card is coming.. and his attitude is showing now. when my friend invite me to come over there house he dont want me to go considering i already have a license and i know the directions where to go and he said now so i didnt insists it and my friend called back and they will just go to my house to bring me food and he dont want them to come, i feel like his controlling me. and whne my friends call me he gets mad if you are talking our language and not english.i dont understand him. and he always said F*** words. the only happiness i have is the phone coz the tv has one channel only and i cant use internet always coz i scared we might over the limit. and he gets mad with it i live in the country.. and no neighbors at all what should i do plzz. help some times i feeel like getting out of the marriage.. and is that possible if ever i will get 2 yrs green card?(just in case) and by the way age gap is 39yrs

thanks need advice plz help

You must be way out in the country & isolated from mankind if you come to an immigration site to ask for advise from people that you dont know & only know your side of the story. Even the mods are becoming doctor Phyillis.

Your problem is you. You entered into a marrige & immigrated to a different country without knowing what you were getting yourself into & with who. You were smart enough to get yourself into this situation; you should be smart enough to decide what to do now. Figure out what you want to do & get it done.

Why wouldnt you call your pinay friends or email them rather than look for an easy answer here?

[phopho06 0]

TO "MENAFORLIFE":

Wow, Really....

Too bad you didn't bother to even look at to OP's info:

First, she arrived on a K-1 which means SHE WASN'T MARRIED TO HER HUSBAND IN HER "HOMELAND".

Second, what do you base your ASSUMPTION that she's in it just for a Greencard? Maybe you don't believe that such an age gap can co-exist with love? I guess I can assume that the Alien Spouse in your relationship is just wanting to come to America to further Muslim Terror Attacks? DISCLAIMER: I am not even implying such a thing just making a point about stupid baseless assumptions.

Third, if she was just scamming for a Greencard then she'd most likely know that since her AOS is approved she can leave anytime and file for Removal of Conditions one her own if they get a divorce. Instead she's reaching out for advice from other inter-cultural couples.

Finally, nice to see you're such a good Muslim. Christian or whatever faith that you presume to know what God should do to punish her. What gives you the high seat of judgement upon another person? If your faith is true maybe you'd instead hope that God would touch their relationship and nudge it in the right direction for both of them (be it separation or working through the tough times) in HIS BEST JUDGEMENT as your faith should tell you he knows better the hearts of others than you do.

TO THE ORIGINAL POSTER:

Hun, I'm married to a Pinay and even though she's only been here for a month I'll admit the adjustment has been harder on both of us than I though it would be. We're working through it though and I know in the long run things will be fine because there is love on both sides of the relationship.

Marriage counseling is a good idea but I would also suggest you find other Fil-Am couples in your area. That way the husbands can talk and support each other through the transition just as the wives do. Maybe post the city & State you live in and see if anyone on VJ is close enough to make contact.

and its now 24 of dec. im all alone husband is at work will be home 2 and when he get home he will surely sleep and i will be in our living room watching one channel of tv.. im really very sad i want to go to my friends house even if just for a while for me to enjoy my first christmas but my husband said no coz the road will be icy.. im really so0o00 sad and i feel like all alone.. and tears are falling in my eyes as i write this things i miss my family this christmas specially im alone.. hahah left alone with little bit of grocery i tihnk that enough tough coz as my husband said i eat like a bird.. hope all of you will enjoy your christmas.. merry christmas everyone.. god bless.

[phopho06 0]

You must be way out in the country & isolated from mankind if you come to an immigration site to ask for advise from people that you dont know & only know your side of the story. Even the mods are becoming doctor Phyillis.

Your problem is you. You entered into a marrige & immigrated to a different country without knowing what you were getting yourself into & with who. You were smart enough to get yourself into this situation; you should be smart enough to decide what to do now. Figure out what you want to do & get it done.

Why wouldnt you call your pinay friends or email them rather than look for an easy answer here?

you just dont know how i feel if you are in my situation you will know how this house make me fell like a prisoner.. i call my friends and they dont know what is my husband up to ad how does his mind think.. i dont know all i know is taht this is the saddest christmas every in the USA..

[phopho06 0]

It was ok to live in the country and be his sweet wife when you was still in your homeland, oh but know that you have some independence he is soooo controlling. Whatever just another bull ####### scam artist that couldn't make it pass the 2yrs and wants out of a marriage you only entered for the sole purpose of wishing and praying for citizenship. I hope you get deported if you are a fake and entered into the marriage for fraudulant reason, and if you entered into the marriage with good intention then may GOD bless you to never find another husband and live your life out with this one.

if you are in a situation you will know how im going trough i dont wan to stay in teh marriage just to suffer. ive been trying to understand him and i fell he doesnt give a damn how i fell.. id rather go home tahn to stay with him so dont you every think i just came here to be citizen. thats #######. im trying to work the realation ship it takes to people to do it . not one and if i cant really stand his attitude then i rather go home..

[thongd4me 69]

and its now 24 of dec. im all alone husband is at work will be home 2 and when he get home he will surely sleep and i will be in our living room watching one channel of tv.. im really very sad i want to go to my friends house even if just for a while for me to enjoy my first christmas but my husband said no coz the road will be icy.. im really so0o00 sad and i feel like all alone.. and tears are falling in my eyes as i write this things i miss my family this christmas specially im alone.. hahah left alone with little bit of grocery i tihnk that enough tough coz as my husband said i eat like a bird.. hope all of you will enjoy your christmas.. merry christmas everyone.. god bless.

Icy road? What would he do if you said you would walk?

Did he walk to where he was before he got back?

[FortLaudy 10]

It always cracks me up when rude people preface their comments with that little disclaimer - as if that makes it all better!

Or maybe the husband decided he'd prefer to get together with a much younger woman from a country thousands of miles away because she'd be more easier to control and isolate than an older American woman?

Or the husband could get off his ####### and try learning his wife's language!

Um, how old were your parents when they got married if they've been together for thirty years? If your mother got married at sixteen (the earliest you can tie the knot in my country...surely can't be all that much different where you're from), that made your dad fifty-six at the time. This means your dad is now, at the very youngest, eighty-six. Seriously? Your story sounds a bit dubious to me, but I guess anything is possible on visajourney!

Kudos Kudos Kudos !! Exactly my thoughts, but you said it more kindly lol ;-)

[trinket 30]

Wow some posters out here might help if you guys learn how to be a bit tactful.

phopho06, can you get a job? I know you are living in the country side, so there might not be many jobs but you can try some tavern or helping someone in there farm? May be your husband will oppose to this too, how about having your own garden, I would assume you might have some land in your backyard. May be go to the library with your husband, select some books on gardening, start reading them now and then once spring comes you can start your garden. Or just anything to occupy you.

You are in a marriage, I personally would get out of a marriage like this where I am being trapped, but I do understand some people might want to work towards saving it and from your posts it looks like you are asking for ideas of how to save it. Whatever submissive-dominant role playing situation you are in, if you do want to continue living that, then you have to find alternatives to find peace with it. So find yourself a hobby which you think your husband won't have problem with, which you can do from home, he won't have reasons to be jealous of things.

If not gardening, how about sewing/painting/scrap booking, just anything which will keep you occupied. Also with that large age difference have you thought what will you do if your husband dies suddenly? How are you going to support yourself? You have to think about this factor too.

I wish you best and hope you don't feel bad about the slamming towards you by a few posters.

[FortLaudy 10]

This is a great lesson for all in a K1 process... Don't just hop on a plane expecting paradise in the US... come over and VISIT (on a VISIT visa first) then go back and come over on a K1 if you wish to... promises over the internet is not always what surfaces in reality... it's best to get to know your fiancee WELL before marriage - that means get to know their family & friends,and see how they live OVER TIME.

To the OP:

Did your husband make it clear to you why he went to your country to look for a wife?? Why he could not find a wife in the whole of USA? Did you think he was perfect?? Did he tell you what he expected of you as his wife? Did you know where he lived? Did you know about any previous marriages and divorces? Did you realise that someone almost 40 years older will have completely different interests, wants and needs than you? Why did you marry him? Did you marry him soon after meeting him? What did you expect from your life with a much older man? Did you know his financial situation before marriage?

If you only came over here blinded by a brighter future then you made your own bed which you need to sleep on... you're a grown woman (unless you're 18 or 19 God forbid...) you make your own decisions and shape your own destiny and you should know what's best for you... making rash decisions which could affect your happiness in future is not very smart... This K1 thing is a gamble mostly... sometimes the fiancee can be honest about everything and sometimes they're not!

I just don't get how all of this can be such a huge surprise to you... he obviously just wanted a subservient wife who would not complain about staying at home all day long - cook and clean and provide him sex and companionship... not keeping your needs in mind AT ALL... I cannot imagine how you could not see that right from the beginning... Get some marriage counselling, or divorce him and get out of there and go home, things will only get more restricted for you in that home and things might end up very tragic for you if he suspects that you want out... Do you realize now why he could not find a wife in the entire USA - even within the huge Philipino communities already legally here? Yeah honey, he aint perfect and wanted to satisfy only his own needs when deciding to bring a foreign wife in your situation over...

[yunwoo 0]

Good point Shani682

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

This is a great lesson for all in a K1 process... Don't just hop on a plane expecting paradise in the US... come over and VISIT (on a VISIT visa first) then go back and come over on a K1 if you wish to... promises over the internet is not always what surfaces in reality... it's best to get to know your fiancee WELL before marriage - that means get to know their family & friends,and see how they live OVER TIME.

Shani682,

I agree with the possibility of the rest of your post but I must comment on the beginning (quoted) section.

The Philippines is one of those countries where it is difficult to get a Visitor's Visa to the US, especially if you're a young poor female without extremely strong ties to convince the CO you intend to return home. In her case visiting the US simply wasn't an option (same for my wife).

There is a very common misconception in the Philippines (and several other countries) that the US is the land of "Milk and Honey", Money grows on trees and life is nothing but fun & games. I've even heard people say "Adjust to life in America is easier for Filipinos because the Philippines is already Westernized" and let me tell you they couldn't be more wrong.

My wife has always known what my income level is and was amazed the first time I told her how much my monthly Mortgage payment is. The first grocery shopping trip was a real eye-opener for her, sure you can get almost anything you want here but our prices are ridiculous by Philippine standards.

I put my wife in contact with my closest family members early in our relationship so she could get to know me better from a distance and I think that was very helpful for both of us.

Any young woman (18 - 24) will have difficulties making the transition and having a husband near/in his 60's will only complicate the situation as they're interests and even though processes will be so different.

[Jasman0717 9]

no he doesnt bring me no where. i always stay home always and some times go to my friend if its okay with him and if its not i wont coz he get mad at me..

Maybe a good heart-to-heart conversation with him will help. Sometimes people don't realize what they are doing. Claudeth doesn't drive so I have to be careful and make sure she doesn't get cabin fever. I am older so get grouchy from time to time and blessed to have Claudeth, she has the patience of a saint.

Good luck and Merry Christmas to you!

[Ning 619]

you just dont know how i feel if you are in my situation you will know how this house make me fell like a prisoner.. i call my friends and they dont know what is my husband up to ad how does his mind think.. i dont know all i know is taht this is the saddest christmas every in the USA..

I know you feel bad. I suppose thats why you wrote this. If you feel you are a prisoner its in your mind. Please dont try to tell me the doors are all locked. You make yourself a prisoner by not doing anything that you know you must do. If the house is the problem as you say then leave it behind. It isnt the structure of the house; its the structure of the marriage.

You have already decided the guy is no good. Do you expect or think he will change? You know he wont.

Your friends that know you dont know what your husband is up to? Tell them. If they are truly your friends they will understand & they will help you. Ask them to give you a place to stay away from this horrible man.

Christmas is a time when many suffer from depression. You arent alone. Did you think a holiday would change your situation? If so plan on a new life in the new year. You have only a few days to make 2010 different than 09. If you dont do anything you can expect 2010 to be the same & you will still be responcible just as you are now.

Out that door is a new & better life. Dont be sad about it because you are better off taking a chance on yourself than him. Be happy you found out what he is like early & still have time to go on and live as you want.

[kaffy 2]

This is a great lesson for all in a K1 process... Don't just hop on a plane expecting paradise in the US... come over and VISIT (on a VISIT visa first) then go back and come over on a K1 if you wish to... promises over the internet is not always what surfaces in reality... it's best to get to know your fiancee WELL before marriage - that means get to know their family & friends,and see how they live OVER TIME.

Agreed

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

Hi,

As we are reading your post, we feel sorry for you. The only solution (we could think of) is to have a honest and (from the) heart conversation with your husband about EVERYTHING!!! Marriage is all about love, understanding and compromise...,if there is really love that ties the two of you. (I believe there is within you...right?) Communicate to your husband; 1)having a filipina friends is extremely important to you 2) you are not plotting to leave him and 3) you are trying to cope with your homesickness and transition in order to be a better wife.

As for speaking own language; a husband around is not a big deal and RUDE as long as you translate for him during/afterwards, specially while you are just talking on the phone.

We do wonder if you are making an issue of the age gap...want to ask you a question...seems the answer is obvious but want to hear from you on this pls...why did you mention the age gap?

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

I know you feel bad. I suppose thats why you wrote this. If you feel you are a prisoner its in your mind. Please dont try to tell me the doors are all locked. You make yourself a prisoner by not doing anything that you know you must do. If the house is the problem as you say then leave it behind. It isnt the structure of the house; its the structure of the marriage.

You have already decided the guy is no good. Do you expect or think he will change? You know he wont.

Your friends that know you dont know what your husband is up to? Tell them. If they are truly your friends they will understand & they will help you. Ask them to give you a place to stay away from this horrible man.

Christmas is a time when many suffer from depression. You arent alone. Did you think a holiday would change your situation? If so plan on a new life in the new year. You have only a few days to make 2010 different than 09. If you dont do anything you can expect 2010 to be the same & you will still be responcible just as you are now.

Out that door is a new & better life. Dont be sad about it because you are better off taking a chance on yourself than him. Be happy you found out what he is like early & still have time to go on and live as you want.

please explain why you state that her husband is a "horrible" man...do you know him? or do you have a superior intellect? or perhaps u r a mystic with sage eyes? have you ever cheerleaded a suicide attempt? you know...stood under the ledge and shouted..jump! jump!...maybe you could do this professionally...u shud google job openings for this...see if any1 is hiring? what you think about that?

wow!