husbands attitude

[phopho06 0]

Always a good idea, try to communicate. If you are being abused, emotionally or physically, you need to get to a solution whether it is sitting down and talking to him or getting out. I kind of get short tempered with Claudeth from time to time becuase of our cultural differences and certainly need to work at trying better to understand her.

For your husband to stifle your contacts with friends isn't a very good sign. You really need to try and talk this through with him. If he refuses then you have some hard decisions to make.

Is your husband considerably older than you? That is another problem with us, by the end of the day I am pretty tired so sometimes I don't want to go out but I also can't punish my wife because I am tired. She seems to have the ability to wrap me around her little finger though so usually gets her way.

Does your husband take you anywhere for entertainment? That is important, especially if you are home alot. I used to take Claudeth karaoking but she doesn't seem to want to do that any more.

I hope, for your sake, you are able to work through these issues and have a happy and fruitful life.

Merry Christmas!

no he doesnt bring me no where. i always stay home always and some times go to my friend if its okay with him and if its not i wont coz he get mad at me..

[trinket 30]

I don't mean to be rude but here is my opinion:

The main thing I see is you're trying to find excuses to get out now you've "put up with him" for 2 years. It honestly reads like you got into this relationship for the greencard.

Also, speaking in a foreign language with someone who doesn't speak it around you is EXTREMELY rude, like EXTREMELY rude. I personally would feel like you're trying to keep secrets and laughing about him behind his back.

a 40 year age gap IS huge but my parents have been happily married for almost 30 years with a 40 year age gap so this is not an excuse. This is the people, not the relationship or age-gap.

As for the internet "limit".. if you were in Australia I would understand that as we have a limit, but in the US 99.9% of internet plans are unlimited.

I think a lot of people saying that it's fear of losing you are correct. You constantly on the phone, talking in another language with him around.. these would worry him that you're plotting leaving. There's obviously a lack of trust here and I truly hope that you can sit down and talk to him about it and sort it out.

Good luck.

And why would be extremely rude? So one leaves their home country and everything and when they talk over the phone to their relatives they need to speak in English? Why? My grandma can't speak English, my other relatives can but I am accustomed to talking in Hindi or Bengali with them, I don't have to change my ways to make sure someone else don't thinks I am hiding something.

Say you meet up with an Ausie at some restaurant, wouldn't you talk using Aussie slangs? or Use words like -- Mate all the time? It will come naturally. The other spouse has to be understanding in this situation and why would one assume that just because I am talking in some other language I have things to hide, it could be about comfort level.

In this case, husband is insecure for sure, they both need counseling.

[dirtyweebesom 8]

I don't mean to be rude but here is my opinion:

It always cracks me up when rude people preface their comments with that little disclaimer - as if that makes it all better!

The main thing I see is you're trying to find excuses to get out now you've "put up with him" for 2 years. It honestly reads like you got into this relationship for the greencard.

Or maybe the husband decided he'd prefer to get together with a much younger woman from a country thousands of miles away because she'd be more easier to control and isolate than an older American woman?

Also, speaking in a foreign language with someone who doesn't speak it around you is EXTREMELY rude, like EXTREMELY rude. I personally would feel like you're trying to keep secrets and laughing about him behind his back.

Or the husband could get off his ####### and try learning his wife's language!

a 40 year age gap IS huge but my parents have been happily married for almost 30 years with a 40 year age gap so this is not an excuse. This is the people, not the relationship or age-gap.

Um, how old were your parents when they got married if they've been together for thirty years? If your mother got married at sixteen (the earliest you can tie the knot in my country...surely can't be all that much different where you're from), that made your dad fifty-six at the time. This means your dad is now, at the very youngest, eighty-six. Seriously? Your story sounds a bit dubious to me, but I guess anything is possible on visajourney!

[La Souris 19]

dirtyweebesom: thank you for putting words on my thoughts My husband is already learning French because life at home will be in French, as much as possible. I'm already giving up so many things in my life, I'm not ready to lose my culture and language.

OP: I wish you the best. As Kathryn said, counselling may be a good option for you two

[brianmarie 0]

Hope everything will be ok, sorry to hear that sis hope your husband will understand that you still adjusting your new place and you need outlet like friends especially Filipina like us.

[scandal 951]

As for the internet "limit".. if you were in Australia I would understand that as we have a limit, but in the US 99.9% of internet plans are unlimited.

The other bogus stuff in your post was already addressed very well by Trinket and others, so I'll just rebut this one remark.

There's still a very solid base of dialup users in America who don't have access to broadband, particularly in rural areas. Those dialup plans do typically have time limits. This survey dates from Aug 2009 - i.e. quite recently:

http://www.internetworldstats.com/am/us.htm

Even though rural markets have experienced significant growth, their broadband penetration of 75 percent remains well below the national average of 89 percent. Lower broadband penetration in rural areas is compounded by lower Internet usage overall. According to a 2007 analysis by U.S. Department of Agriculture Economic Research Service, 63 percent of all rural households had at least one member access the Internet, compared with 73 percent of urban households.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

A word from our sponsors:

[thongd4me 69]

when i go ut i ask him to come but because of his work some times he doesnt my friends always invite me in there home and him to but i relaly dont know why he doent like them but when he first met them his was ncie with them but now his not..i really dont know.. and one of my problem to if i want to buy some grocery he doenst like the thing i want to eat he always thing its expensive..

This was a constant pattern in my first marriage which ended in divorce.

When I got married one reason I was excited was because I thought we could meet interesting people (couples)

who we could share interests with. I often got invitations from friends but she always declined because she said

that they were MY friends, but she treated her own friends poorly and it was no wonder that eventually they

lost interest in her. After a period of time, when I would meet new people I would avoid getting too close

because I knew it was a lose-lose proposition to bring her out of her perpetual gloom and doom. Rather than

risk the inevitable embarrassment I always declined invitations. Word got out that we were not happy as a

couple and eventually all invitations (even from my relatives) stopped.

I have met almost ALL of my fiancée's relatives, friends and acquaintances and no matter what her relationship is

to them I am there to be supportive of her. I even went with her to meet a group of big shots from the ministry

of education at an informal house party. There were no other foreigners there except me and one could say

I might feel out of sorts because almost all the conversation was in Thai. In the end we took a group photo and

you might say I won them over as she successfully got her release to travel in December (better late than never).

I have a co-worker near 60 yrs of age who is a confirmed bachelor and I don't think he will ever get married

because he is too set in his ways. He wants everything just so and you can see he doesn't give an inch in office

matters so how can he live with someone who has their own feelings about making a home and a lifestyle?

Everyone needs breathing room but to live together effectively you have to find common ground. In order to

do that you have to understand and accept how the other one thinks and also be kind to them when you need

to assert your wants and desires. It's a difficult balancing act and some serious counseling would be in order here.

Edited December 24, 2009 by thongd4me

[Peace be still 6]

It was ok to live in the country and be his sweet wife when you was still in your homeland, oh but know that you have some independence he is soooo controlling. Whatever just another bull ####### scam artist that couldn't make it pass the 2yrs and wants out of a marriage you only entered for the sole purpose of wishing and praying for citizenship. I hope you get deported if you are a fake and entered into the marriage for fraudulant reason, and if you entered into the marriage with good intention then may GOD bless you to never find another husband and live your life out with this one.

[♥Muslimqueen♥ 2]

He's trying to control you because he's old and he thinks you will find a good looking young guy and leave him.

[♥Muslimqueen♥ 2]

I don't mean to be rude but here is my opinion:

The main thing I see is you're trying to find excuses to get out now you've "put up with him" for 2 years. It honestly reads like you got into this relationship for the greencard.

Also, speaking in a foreign language with someone who doesn't speak it around you is EXTREMELY rude, like EXTREMELY rude. I personally would feel like you're trying to keep secrets and laughing about him behind his back.

a 40 year age gap IS huge but my parents have been happily married for almost 30 years with a 40 year age gap so this is not an excuse. This is the people, not the relationship or age-gap.

As for the internet "limit".. if you were in Australia I would understand that as we have a limit, but in the US 99.9% of internet plans are unlimited.

I think a lot of people saying that it's fear of losing you are correct. You constantly on the phone, talking in another language with him around.. these would worry him that you're plotting leaving. There's obviously a lack of trust here and I truly hope that you can sit down and talk to him about it and sort it out.

Good luck.

Ok first of all How can you say she is in it for the Green card? I saw nothing like that in her post. She is trying to make it work.

Second I only see your point some what about the Language thing. Lets say there were 3 people in a room and only 2 spoke english and the othe only spoke Arabic i would be rude to take english and not include the 3rd person, However If she is on the phone it is not rude! she is talking to her friend if i did this my hubby would prob laugh cuz he can understand what im saying. Not yell. Not only cuz she came to american dose not mean she cant talk her language. he knew she spoke another language when he married her. and now her needs to respect her!

[♥Muslimqueen♥ 2]

Sorry that you going threw this But you need to decide what you want to do Nobdy can tell you what to do we can only give you advice Its you life.

I dont understand why he gets angry when You talk in your Native Language when someone calls you you talk in there native language. its not that big of a deal. He cant Expectt you to only speak in English and forget about You Naitve Language and you life before comming to America. And the not letting you go out and nobody to come see you is crazy! he is being more of a Father Figure then a husband if you ask me. It like he is holding he green card over her like "I brought you here do as i say or ill make you leave"

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Um, how old were your parents when they got married if they've been together for thirty years? If your mother got married at sixteen (the earliest you can tie the knot in my country...surely can't be all that much different where you're from), that made your dad fifty-six at the time. This means your dad is now, at the very youngest, eighty-six. Seriously? Your story sounds a bit dubious to me, but I guess anything is possible on visajourney!

Actually, my mother was 22 and my father 62 when they married. My father is now 90 and my mother is 50. I am one of 9 and not the youngest at the ripe old age of 26.

[♥Muslimqueen♥ 2]

Actually, my mother was 22 and my father 62 when they married. My father is now 90 and my mother is 50. I am one of 9 and not the youngest at the ripe old age of 26.

Congrats to you parents for being together for so long.

:-) God Bless Them

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

It was ok to live in the country and be his sweet wife when you was still in your homeland, oh but know that you have some independence he is soooo controlling. Whatever just another bull ####### scam artist that couldn't make it pass the 2yrs and wants out of a marriage you only entered for the sole purpose of wishing and praying for citizenship. I hope you get deported if you are a fake and entered into the marriage for fraudulant reason, and if you entered into the marriage with good intention then may GOD bless you to never find another husband and live your life out with this one.

TO "MENAFORLIFE":

Wow, Really....

Too bad you didn't bother to even look at to OP's info:

First, she arrived on a K-1 which means SHE WASN'T MARRIED TO HER HUSBAND IN HER "HOMELAND".

Second, what do you base your ASSUMPTION that she's in it just for a Greencard? Maybe you don't believe that such an age gap can co-exist with love? I guess I can assume that the Alien Spouse in your relationship is just wanting to come to America to further Muslim Terror Attacks? DISCLAIMER: I am not even implying such a thing just making a point about stupid baseless assumptions.

Third, if she was just scamming for a Greencard then she'd most likely know that since her AOS is approved she can leave anytime and file for Removal of Conditions one her own if they get a divorce. Instead she's reaching out for advice from other inter-cultural couples.

Finally, nice to see you're such a good Muslim. Christian or whatever faith that you presume to know what God should do to punish her. What gives you the high seat of judgement upon another person? If your faith is true maybe you'd instead hope that God would touch their relationship and nudge it in the right direction for both of them (be it separation or working through the tough times) in HIS BEST JUDGEMENT as your faith should tell you he knows better the hearts of others than you do.

TO THE ORIGINAL POSTER:

Hun, I'm married to a Pinay and even though she's only been here for a month I'll admit the adjustment has been harder on both of us than I though it would be. We're working through it though and I know in the long run things will be fine because there is love on both sides of the relationship.

Marriage counseling is a good idea but I would also suggest you find other Fil-Am couples in your area. That way the husbands can talk and support each other through the transition just as the wives do. Maybe post the city & State you live in and see if anyone on VJ is close enough to make contact.