marriage troubles

[Mford019 0]

Maybe she had different expectations about America. You know everyone overseas thinks America is so easy, when in essence I believe in some ways Philippines might be easier to live in etc etc. WHen my hubby came here from Phils he assumed he would get a job instantly making $60,000 a year, get a loan for like $200,000 instantly and buy a new car. LOL. Maybe your wife thinks she was gonna be a princess when she got here! 5 months you are both adjusting to marriage and shes adjusting to new culture. It took hubby about 2 years to ajust to culture here.........I hope you still love eachother maybe you can work it out just be patient!

You hit the nail on the head there. I think my wife thought the same thing and now that she is here and she sees life is not what what she thought it would be, trouble has started brewing. I love my wife and would not trade her for the world but it is time to grow up.

[Mford019 0]

Hi everybody i just want to clarify things that he had posted. Im his wife... He really doesnt understand my feelings and situation.. On the frist place he knows that my sister is sick and she is treated here in manila for 18 mos.. Everything in manila is expensive.. I ask him heartily if he can help my mom financially coz it is needed..he said of course.But since theres a global crisis and he has no overtime he stop sending money and i understand.. If i got a job in there i wont ask him to support my family.. I am not expecting that i will become a princess when i got there in usa.. I am a hardworker person..And its not my attitude to depend on someone if i know i can make it on my own. But because his place is a small town,, car is needed and he cant afford to buy a car for me coz he still paying for his car loan, so i cant find ways to find a job.. I dont demand him for financial.. He knows i just stayed at home taking care of him and her 18 yrs old daughter like cleaning her room, wash her clothes, fix her bed etc etc.. His daughter decided to live with us when i get there.. He said im not socializing with his friends and family? WHY he say that? Him and his friends, nieces, nephews used to hang out in a bar drinking , etc.. Do u think this is the right place for the married couple to hang out? He just think of his hapiness and ignore what makes me happy. I mean he married me he should focus his attention with me coz im all alone there and the place is boring.. He cant even invite me goin to watch a movie till i say so.. Do u think u will be happy stayin at home 24 hrs? I never ask him money to buy something for myself coz i understand him..i just wait till he ask what i need for my personal. I decided to get back home because of his mom and the text ive read in his fon.. His mom is bitchin me in fon telling that i am stupid bla bla bla.. So i call him at work telling that his mom is bitchin on me.. I cried like a baby coz i know i didnt do wrong.. I told him i deserve to be bitchin if they caught me cheating.. ive read his send messages to his daughter tellin his daughter that i miss ur mom, just thinking of her.. who among of the wives wont get jealous of this messages??

Anyways, its his decision to file a divorce.. Its his loss ..

I guess he didnt sacrifice to get her here. Come on lets be real here. She could not be telling the truth also, shr gets on here and posts something and now awwww poor her, shes the victim. I think its your loss after all he was helping your family financially, now you have to go and find another ssatm.

you go girl!!! if i read that on my husband's phone thats the end of the story i will be OUT! he doesnt know how much you sacrifice for him just to be with him here in the US you dont deserve this man

[Mford019 0]

Hi everybody i just want to clarify things that he had posted. Im his wife... He really doesnt understand my feelings and situation.. On the frist place he knows that my sister is sick and she is treated here in manila for 18 mos.. Everything in manila is expensive.. I ask him heartily if he can help my mom financially coz it is needed..he said of course.But since theres a global crisis and he has no overtime he stop sending money and i understand.. If i got a job in there i wont ask him to support my family.. I am not expecting that i will become a princess when i got there in usa.. I am a hardworker person..And its not my attitude to depend on someone if i know i can make it on my own. But because his place is a small town,, car is needed and he cant afford to buy a car for me coz he still paying for his car loan, so i cant find ways to find a job.. I dont demand him for financial.. He knows i just stayed at home taking care of him and her 18 yrs old daughter like cleaning her room, wash her clothes, fix her bed etc etc.. His daughter decided to live with us when i get there.. He said im not socializing with his friends and family? WHY he say that? Him and his friends, nieces, nephews used to hang out in a bar drinking , etc.. Do u think this is the right place for the married couple to hang out? He just think of his hapiness and ignore what makes me happy. I mean he married me he should focus his attention with me coz im all alone there and the place is boring.. He cant even invite me goin to watch a movie till i say so.. Do u think u will be happy stayin at home 24 hrs? I never ask him money to buy something for myself coz i understand him..i just wait till he ask what i need for my personal. I decided to get back home because of his mom and the text ive read in his fon.. His mom is bitchin me in fon telling that i am stupid bla bla bla.. So i call him at work telling that his mom is bitchin on me.. I cried like a baby coz i know i didnt do wrong.. I told him i deserve to be bitchin if they caught me cheating.. ive read his send messages to his daughter tellin his daughter that i miss ur mom, just thinking of her.. who among of the wives wont get jealous of this messages??

Anyways, its his decision to file a divorce.. Its his loss ..

I guess he didnt sacrifice to get her here. Come on lets be real here. She could not be telling the truth also, shr gets on here and posts something and now awwww poor her, shes the victim. I think its your loss after all he was helping your family financially, now you have to go and find another ssatm.

you go girl!!! if i read that on my husband's phone thats the end of the story i will be OUT! he doesnt know how much you sacrifice for him just to be with him here in the US you dont deserve this man

[jom 4]

Waiting for scarry's reply

[Tahoma 2,292]

Waiting for scarry's reply

I'm waiting for scarry's reply too.

Maybe he can explain why he has enough money to hang out at the bar, yet he can't afford to help his wife's family.

Also, for the price of his wife's plane ticket to the Philippines, scarry could have paid for a lot of couples counseling.

Giving up on a marriage after only five months is pathetic.

I hope they get the help they need so that they can work it out.

[Zen Den 18]

to SCARY and Scary's Wife, your main problem seems to be miscommunication or the lack of it.

it is the rule, more than an exception, that two people who come from different worlds will experience a lot of problems.

unfortunately, the opportunity to get to know each other better when you start living together is interrupted by a lot of things like your family back home needing help, which to filipinos cannot be ignored (because we have very close family ties).

a lot of pinays here on VJ, including myself, agree that they experienced similar problems w/in their first year here in the US, because it's normal when you're in a different place, surrounded by people of a different culture, and very far from your family

but if you still love each other, it's enough reason to do everything to save your marriage.

[TheCockyLockies 2]

ok this was explained very well.... agree its his lost not urs... think ur husband needs a maid not a wife hehehe...

I have to agree too. I think he wanted a maid, not a wife. Sorry.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I'm waiting for scarry's reply too.

Maybe he can explain why he has enough money to hang out at the bar, yet he can't afford to help his wife's family.

Also, for the price of his wife's plane ticket to the Philippines, scarry could have paid for a lot of couples counseling.

Giving up on a marriage after only five months is pathetic.

I hope they get the help they need so that they can work it out.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

WOW...

Anna has only been here for a month and we've had some "interesting" days in that short time but not once have I wanted to give-up on the relationship.

She has even pulled out the "I want to go back home" card a few times.

I honestly thought I had a grasp on the differences in communications between Kanos and Filipinos but I now understand that I don't know how much I don't know.

It took quite a bit of effort to get her to actually talk about things with me. She was getting upset for things I didn't just magically know or understand. When I questioned it she said, "Well you should just know that's what's wrong when I don't talk".

Then there was the time she got upset because I had suggested the kids eat what she cooked and I'd find something else for dinner (apparently the amount prepared was misjudged). She thought I didn't want to eat her cooking but here it's not uncommon for us to eat different things for dinner.

I guess marriage is like the Windows Operating System: Plug-n-Play was supposed to make everything just auto magically work and for a brief moment it appears to deliver on that promise but eventually the realization sets in that there are always more service pack to install and you'll probably want to upgrade the hardware also which is a whole other stack of issues to work through. In the end if you stick with it and pay attention then you will be happy with the results even if they don't match exactly to your original expectations.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Then there was the time she got upset because I had suggested the kids eat what she cooked and I'd find something else for dinner (apparently the amount prepared was misjudged). She thought I didn't want to eat her cooking but here it's not uncommon for us to eat different things for dinner.

I could see her point of view. Did you even taste it? At least taste it and tell her how tasty it is but since there isn't enough for everyone you'll eat leftovers...and it better be hers.

Has Anna met any other Filipinos in your area yet? How about at church? Any local asian markets? Even if the closet asian market is 50 miles away, it'd be worth it to take her there at least once in awhile and since she's been there a month already, get to one right away. If she feels totally cut off from her culture, she is going to quickly become depressed. I know most of us Americans think of culture as what kind of restaurant we're going to eat at, but to Filipinos, it is their whole life.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

I could see her point of view. Did you even taste it? At least taste it and tell her how tasty it is but since there isn't enough for everyone you'll eat leftovers...and it better be hers.

Oh I tell her every day how much I like her cooking and it's what I prefer. We talked about it afterwards and now she understands that before she came my teen daughters & I seldom ate dinner together. I even thanked her during that discussion for returning us to the family dinner table.

Has Anna met any other Filipinos in your area yet? How about at church? Any local asian markets? Even if the closet asian market is 50 miles away, it'd be worth it to take her there at least once in awhile and since she's been there a month already, get to one right away. If she feels totally cut off from her culture, she is going to quickly become depressed. I know most of us Americans think of culture as what kind of restaurant we're going to eat at, but to Filipinos, it is their whole life.

Believe me I got on that ball immediately. Over the weekend we drove an hour to get to a nice Filipino Grocery as the Asian stores int he area are missing a lot of the Filipino things she wants. The next day we found a small (hole in the wall) Filipino store that is less than 10 miles from the house! Not only do they have everything she wanted (even Magic Sarap) but they're very friendly. We bought the rice cooker, deep fryer & some other essentials within 24 hrs of her landing. I've already started inviting the friends over for dinner as she loves to meet them that way.

I'll be taking her to Filipino Christmas Mass this evening. I'm hoping that between the Mass & the Filipino Store she'll be able to find some local friends quickly.

She feels guilty asking me to drive her places so yesterday she passed the written test for her DL Learner's Permit! I'm thinking about getting rid of the expensive SUV with monthly payments in favor of a couple of used cars without payments so she'll have more independence during the days while I'm at work.

Edited December 23, 2009 by Bob 4 Anna

[Psoas10 17]

I think alot of times, it is just man versus woman in how they communicate. My wife had no culture shock here, coz it is like PI where I live. However we had some trouble at times with some cultural differences. I hope this works out.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Oh I tell her every day how much I like her cooking and it's what I prefer. We talked about it afterwards and now she understands that before she came my teen daughters & I seldom ate dinner together. I even thanked her during that discussion for returning us to the family dinner table.

Believe me I got on that ball immediately. Over the weekend we drove an hour to get to a nice Filipino Grocery as the Asian stores int he area are missing a lot of the Filipino things she wants. The next day we found a small (hole in the wall) Filipino store that is less than 10 miles from the house! Not only do they have everything she wanted (even Magic Sarap) but they're very friendly. We bought the rice cooker, deep fryer & some other essentials within 24 hrs of her landing. I've already started inviting the friends over for dinner as she loves to meet them that way.

I'll be taking her to Filipino Christmas Mass this evening. I'm hoping that between the Mass & the Filipino Store she'll be able to find some local friends quickly.

She feels guilty asking me to drive her places so yesterday she passed the written test for her DL Learner's Permit! I'm thinking about getting rid of the expensive SUV with monthly payments in favor of a couple of used cars without payments so she'll have more independence during the days while I'm at work.

Awesome! IMO, sitting down and sharing a meal together is one of the most important moments of family bonding. In our culture (American), we've seen to move away from that. I'd encourage you to make it a ritual now....it will help your wife and daughters bond more.

Merry Christmas! ...and congratulations on her passing the written test!

[bigdaddyvas1 0]

i read all the coments and post people have put on this topic and i still havent seen scarys reply maybe its because he knows he os in the wrong why did he get married if he still misses his wife if my wife knew i felt like that i wouldnt blame her for leaving also why does he just go to bars does she even drink does she enjoy going to bar if he has time to go to bar why doesnt he take her to the movies he is a married man his priority is his wife and daughter not his friends at bar and if they have problems why does the mother in law get involved its a marige between piany and scarry not motherin law he should be more suportive of her yes she talks to her family but that does not fill every hour of a day stuck in a houseim sure shes not after money if all she wanted was money then she would stay here and put up with him untill she was a legal resident the fact that she went back home proves shes not after his money i think its his lost and maybe one day scary will realize the mistake he made but as for now scarry has not answered any more questions or repied seems all he can do is complain