Fiance Freakout

[Mrs. Gil 1]

To all my K-1 and K-3 friends out there:

Has anyone's finance had a total meltdown/freak out right before or after his or her approval? My fiance doesn't speak English, has never been out of his own country, and never even dreamed about living in the U.S. We've been building up to this for the last 2 years, and I think the realization just sunk in for him. He's also kind of a mama's boy and going to have a hard time saying goodbye. Just wondering if anyone else has been thru this "cold feet" kind of thing.

[Nik+Heather 121]

It is a huge move for him, and I'm not surprised. It's always easy to talk about doing something "some day", but when that's tomorrow, suddenly it can seem overwhelming.

As the USC, it's harder for you to be as empathetic, but try to help him focus on the things which will stay the same for him, and what will be better (you'll be together!).

Maybe work on planning a trip back to visit, or get him involved in making sure that you know how to make his favorite foods, and where to get some of the more specialized ingredients.

I think right now it's important for you to stay supportive, and not freak out about his freaking out - that's a feedback loop that you don't want to get into.

[canadian_wife 1,822]

I had a total freak out when I moved down here. What really helped was when my husband booked a flight to Toronto for both of us just 3 months after I moved. It was funny, after the trip back to Toronto, I couldn't wait to go back to the US.

It's a big deal and totally understandable and yes, don't freak out when he freaks out. Be understanding

Good luck.

[Angel and Gendy 1]

I'm fully prepared for my spouses "culture shock" even though she seems fine now.

[Mayra&Robin 0]

To all my K-1 and K-3 friends out there:

Has anyone's finance had a total meltdown/freak out right before or after his or her approval? My fiance doesn't speak English, has never been out of his own country, and never even dreamed about living in the U.S. We've been building up to this for the last 2 years, and I think the realization just sunk in for him. He's also kind of a mama's boy and going to have a hard time saying goodbye. Just wondering if anyone else has been thru this "cold feet" kind of thing.

I had a little bit of a meltdown. 98% of Guatemalan's are mama's boys. SPECIALLY GUYS. I am a mama's girl, but a very independent one...LOL. Still it was really hard for me to get on that plane and say good bye to my whole family. Guatemalans are very very family oriented. I was flying to Puerto Rico, which is a country I had visited before and they speak some kind of spanish which is my native language, So, I can only imagine how hard must be for him if he has never seen this place and on top of everything else he doesn't speak the language. My husband is very patient, my mo and I still talk every other day on the phone, we really miss each other, but her and my family are very supportive and they encourage to enjoy my marriage, they are happy that I am happy; knowing this and that Robin is understanding, I have everyone's support and its easier for me. If he had a problem because my moma nd I talk often on the phone, it would make it much harder for him and I. They love Robin because of this. I would highly advise you that if you haven't lived together you should be clear in a very sweet way of what you guys expect of each other. Cause I can tell you as a Guatemalan, that there is a possibility he is used to be "served". By this I mean, he has never ironed his clothes or cooked. In other words he is way too pampered. Not all guatemalan guys are like this, but....there is a chance. Good luck in your interview and you marriage!

[GiGii 4]

Mama's boys do have a hard time adjusting. Mine pretended to be this big bad guy, all independent, can handle anything the world throws at him. When he got here, he certainly changed. He couldn't be all "big bad" in a new place, with no family and just relying on me. He became homesick very quickly. Its been about 3 yrs and he's still almost as homesick as in the beginning. I sometimes wonder how long can someone be homesick, when does it end, when does he feel "here" is home now. He talks to immigrant friends, some who've been here for 10, 20 yrs, and they say they are still homesick. Money is not everything, and its hard when your heart is in the US and your family far away.

[sachinky 465]

Most people think moving to the U.S. is one big party. It's not. And people need to understand the hard realities of living over there. And discuss it before the big move in terms of expectations and reality. Not just "oh, it's gonna be great--we're going to be together and eat hamburgers." Don't think of it in exotic, romantic terms. It's hard even for well rounded, well traveled, easily adaptible individuals, much less those who've never left home, are intensely attached to their family, or never even been on an airplane before.

I moved to the U.S. when I was 18. I actually adapted quite easily, made new friends in college. The first few winters were a bit hard to take but I coped. I rarely got homesick. And whenever I did I just watched a Bollywood movie or some cricket online. Or cooked some chicken curry.

But I also saw other international students who didn't try to assimilate. They kept to their own home circles and isolated themselves. Then they complained about being homesick or not having American friends. Or feeling like they didn't belong. I went out of my to make sure I made friends based on personalities. Not nationality. Even though that would've been easier to do. But I didn't make friends with just South Asians or Indians just so that they would understand me better. Yes, there were times I had to repeat myself, or explain Indian film stars or Indian foods to my American friends just as they would explain the television shows they watched as a kid or their Halloween traditions. I had one rule of thumb: If I wouldn't be friends with that person in India, I wasn't going to become friends with him/her just because we both happened to be Indians in America. If I only wanted Indian friends, well, then I could've just stayed in India. Why move all the way to the other side of the Atlantic? This is something I don't understand about my cousins--one is in Singapore, and the other one is in London. Their friends are all Indians, they barely know any Brits or Singaporeans. Which is a pity, I think.

Two professors, at the end of the first semester, commented that they hadn't met anyone who had adjusted so well to a new life, much less an eighteen year old.

I do think the younger one is, the easier it is to assimilate and adjust.

[ms_jinga_lala 0]

Most people think moving to the U.S. is one big party. It's not. And people need to understand the hard realities of living over there. And discuss it before the big move in terms of expectations and reality. Not just "oh, it's gonna be great--we're going to be together and eat hamburgers." Don't think of it in exotic, romantic terms. It's hard even for well rounded, well traveled, easily adaptible individuals, much less those who've never left home, are intensely attached to their family, or never even been on an airplane before.

I moved to the U.S. when I was 18. I actually adapted quite easily, made new friends in college. The first few winters were a bit hard to take but I coped. I rarely got homesick. And whenever I did I just watched a Bollywood movie or some cricket online. Or cooked some chicken curry.

But I also saw other international students who didn't try to assimilate. They kept to their own home circles and isolated themselves. Then they complained about being homesick or not having American friends. Or feeling like they didn't belong. I went out of my to make sure I made friends based on personalities. Not nationality. Even though that would've been easier to do. But I didn't make friends with just South Asians or Indians just so that they would understand me better. Yes, there were times I had to repeat myself, or explain Indian film stars or Indian foods to my American friends just as they would explain the television shows they watched as a kid or their Halloween traditions. I had one rule of thumb: If I wouldn't be friends with that person in India, I wasn't going to become friends with him/her just because we both happened to be Indians in America. If I only wanted Indian friends, well, then I could've just stayed in India. Why move all the way to the other side of the Atlantic? This is something I don't understand about my cousins--one is in Singapore, and the other one is in London. Their friends are all Indians, they barely know any Brits or Singaporeans. Which is a pity, I think.

Two professors, at the end of the first semester, commented that they hadn't met anyone who had adjusted so well to a new life, much less an eighteen year old.

I do think the younger one is, the easier it is to assimilate and adjust.

That's really good advice. My boy is also a momma's boy who never left home and he has been stressing over this move somewhat already. I've already told him I was going to introduce him to all the Indians here so he can talk cricket which made him feel better. My American friends are anxious to meet him. I really want him to meet all kinds of people and thankfully he is fascinated by culture and there are a lot of different cultures where I live. So hopefully that will encourage him to want to pursue friendships with all different types of people. I honestly think he's going to be okay, but only because I'm very persistent at finding ways to make things work. His success and happiness is important to me.

[sachinky 465]

A lot, I'd say, depends on the attitude. If one is open to new challenges, then one has a easier time fitting in. I used to be really shy before I left home. Not self-concious or diffident, just not comfortable around new people. Once in college, I realized that if I was going to spend Friday night watching a rented DVD and eating take-out Chinese, I was going to become lonely and friendless very quickly. So I took to keeping my room-door open and often took up invitations to go to dinner or parties, even with groups of people I didn't know that well.

Another thing I've noticed is the accent. I didn't have a strong Indian accent to begin with, it was mostly neutral and most of it has been erased by four years in the U.S. However, in the beginning, when some of my American friends either giggled at or corrected my usage of a word, I didn't take offense. I laughed along with them and would say "Oh, this is how you say it here, in India we pronounce it as such-and-such." Getting defensive and clamming up doesn't do any good. Rather, having a humorous attitude about such things help. For instance, a nurse at the health center once remarked to me, "Wow, your English is remarkably impressive." So I grinned at her and said, "Why, so is yours!" And we both had a good laugh about it.

[Another time my boss at work asked me to stamp some books. He pointed to the stamp and asked, in all seriousness, "Do they have these where you come from?" I laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants. I think HE was almost offended by HOW funny I found his question to be.]

A few other tips:

--Have your foreign SO read a basic book chronicling U.S. history. It helps immensely. I didn't like the feeling of not knowing what people were talking about with regards to slightly obscure historical figures or events. It's not easy to go from a country where you presumably know everything about its history, culture and politics to feeling like an idiot in a strange land and feeling left out of conversations. I hated feeling "stupid" as I called it. 'A People's History of the U.S.' by Howard Zinn is a good starting point.

--Teach him American words for certain things. Like "Bell Pepper" for Capsicum. God, you should've heard me trying to order a sub from a deli my first week. Holiday/Vacation. Shower/Bath. Movie theater/hall. Bracket/parenthesis. The different types of cheeses. I didn't know diddly squat from Amul cheddar cheese until my stint at the food station.

Edited December 29, 2009 by sachinky

[Mrs. Gil 1]

I had a little bit of a meltdown. 98% of Guatemalan's are mama's boys. SPECIALLY GUYS. I am a mama's girl, but a very independent one...LOL. Still it was really hard for me to get on that plane and say good bye to my whole family. Guatemalans are very very family oriented. I was flying to Puerto Rico, which is a country I had visited before and they speak some kind of spanish which is my native language, So, I can only imagine how hard must be for him if he has never seen this place and on top of everything else he doesn't speak the language. My husband is very patient, my mo and I still talk every other day on the phone, we really miss each other, but her and my family are very supportive and they encourage to enjoy my marriage, they are happy that I am happy; knowing this and that Robin is understanding, I have everyone's support and its easier for me. If he had a problem because my moma nd I talk often on the phone, it would make it much harder for him and I. They love Robin because of this. I would highly advise you that if you haven't lived together you should be clear in a very sweet way of what you guys expect of each other. Cause I can tell you as a Guatemalan, that there is a possibility he is used to be "served". By this I mean, he has never ironed his clothes or cooked. In other words he is way too pampered. Not all guatemalan guys are like this, but....there is a chance. Good luck in your interview and you marriage!

Haha. This made me laugh. He is a TOTAL mama's boy, but not really close to anyone else in his family. We did live together for about 6 months while I lived in Xela, and fortunately Fernando is not so set in his "machista" ways. He's kind of from the new school way of thinking, and most, if not all, things between us are equal. He even cooks and washed dishes! I know he is worried about coming here, and I am trying to think of ways to make him comfortable here and to feel like this is his home, too, not like he is just living with me, in MY house. We've got English classes lined up, and I am hoping he makes some friends that way. I've also got some "manly" projects for him to do at home to keep him busy when he's not studying so he feels like he is contributing until his AOS is complete and he can work.

[endoftheroad 1]

A few other tips:

--Have your foreign SO read a basic book chronicling U.S. history. It helps immensely. I didn't like the feeling of not knowing what people were talking about with regards to slightly obscure historical figures or events. It's not easy to go from a country where you presumably know everything about its history, culture and politics to feeling like an idiot in a strange land and feeling left out of conversations. I hated feeling "stupid" as I called it. 'A People's History of the U.S.' by Howard Zinn is a good starting point.

EXCELLENT SUGGESTED READING. Besides real annotated history (not a watered down "washed" version) it shows that Americans have not been perfect but enough of us are trying. I also have the illustrated version which is more brief and more entertaining.

Funny, the histories of some countries are so long that you'd have to be a scholar to know just the basics. We in the USA only have a few hundred years.

[Thamara 0]

You have to be aware of the “cultural shock” involved in the process and how it will affect both of you. I am puertorrican, moved to California about 4 years ago. Even tho Puerto Rico is a US territory and thus we are very, how do they call it? “Americanized”, it was still way different than what I expected. My English is good and yet I had some problems communicating with people around me. Not only I was homesick, I was also craving something “familiar”. My ex lived in the same town for 30 years so he couldn’t understand what I was going thru. He never made an effort to empathize or sympathize with my situation. It was very hard for me. The relationship suffered because of it. I was depressed and frustrated which at some point turned into anger, in other words, I was miserable. I eventually got over it and found ways to make CA my home away from home but gosh I cried a river in the process.

My humble opinion..

Make sure he gets “the best of both worlds”. He has to immerse himself in the new culture, learn English, make English speaking friends, get used to all the quirks of your hometown and make it his home but also look for something “familiar” to do. Find things for him to do, get him excited about moving to the States. Make sure he knows you understand his situation and you are willing to help him get thru it: “look honey I found a group of people that meets on Sundays to play futbol !”. It’s incredible how something so simple can be so comforting.

I learned a lot from my own experience so now that I started the K-1 process for my fiancé (he is Canadian) I want to make the transition as smooth as possible for him. Canada to US may not be a huge leap; definitely not as big as Guatemala to the US, but there are still some differences. Coming to visit has really helped. He’s has experienced and assimilated some of the things that are different from home (like U turns and Disney’s Fast Passes lol ). I think Im losing the battle over the fav-our, colo-ur and cen-tre but hey! I can’t win them all

Good luck with this new chapter in your life and whenever things get hard just remember how much you love each other and that being homesick sucks less than being apart.

[ziia 9]

I don't know if this helps, but as an immigrant myself, I fully adjusted here after about 4 years. The first 2 were the hardest but slowly I grew more and more accustomed to everything. My advice for the immigrants who want to integrate in a new culture is doing exactly the opposite of what people might think is helping the immigrant and that is: stay away from friends from your country. I found those groups not helping someone who wants to adjust because often times, they get together to gossip of how bad and horrible US is. This prolongs the feeling of "i don't belong here" even longer. Try to stay among people who speak English and seem fully integrated and like it here without considering what country and culture they come from. Take a look at the Mexican people in their segregated neighborhoods in US and you will understand better my point of view.

When I got here I staid only among Americans and though it was very hard to understand the jokes, the culture and connect with them, in the end it helped me integrate a lot faster and loose the home sickness feelings. After about 2 or so years I had the first contacts with people from my country and let me tell you, I did not like it one bit. Though they made me laugh and felt instant connection with them and had a lot common interests and subjects of discussion, the encounter with my hommies left me with a sour taste. Those circles are all about gossiping and comparing one culture to another and that doesn't help. You hear a lot of them saying they miss a lot of stuff back home and nothing here even come close to fulfilling that need(only what is back home does) . Trust me, USC's with foreign fiances out there, looking for friends from their country doesn't help with homesickness, it prolongs it for many many many years, sometimes forever. If you want to do yourself a favor and your spouse's, make them get used to everything American as soon as possible and as soon as they get here. It is hard but do that instead of adjusting yourself to their culture. Though it may seem to you right now wrong what I am saying, trust me it is exactly what is needed for an immigrant to adjust better and get rid of homesickness so he doesn't fall in depression. The more stuff around them remind them of their home, the more they will miss it because in an immigrant's head nothing absolutely nothing no matter how good it is or how good it tastes it is not like how it's done back home. That is my honest and humble opinion, going through immigration and never having left Romania before, except this time to come here. After 6 years i feel like US is my country, and feel both of them(US and Romania) in my heart the same and also got passed the homesickness by living and doing and speaking American. Now I'd say I seldom miss Romania: probably once a year a thought pops in my head and that is only and only because my parents are there. Good luck to all.

Edited January 14, 2010 by ziia

[Mrs. Gil 1]

I do feel like I can empathize with my fiance maybe more than some others might be able to because I did give up everything to go live in his country for 3 years, but I always knew it wouldn't be permanent. I know the feeling of culture shock and missing my family, but I also think I have a bigger sense of adventure than he does so I might be more accepting of the unknown. I think he is warming up to the idea more and more though, seeing as how he will be in within the month.

[Iml3g3nd 3]

sorry to hear that