Financial support to my wife's family in the Philippines

[Darnell 8,478]

this question was addressed earlier in december as well, with a very well written reply about emergencies, definition of emergencies, and budgeting, with concept of 'hard love'.

Hopefully someone can find it whilst I'm sleeping, but I swear was in the Phils forum for December (as a reply to a topic ). If no one can find it, I'll dig it out on Sunday.

[Darnell 8,478]

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ok - here it is -

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.ph...t&p=3498431

So, suggest you have a read, see how much of that reply might apply to you. Good Luck !

[MikeMc 38]

My wife arrived earlier this year from the Philippines and we've gladly sent some money to her family on a few occasions. Now she wants to send amounts that don't fit comfortably into our budget. If I give in, we'll be in financial ruins and if I don't, my wife raises a stink about it. I see this as a serious problem. Has anyone had similar issues - and perhaps some good resolutions?

The smartest thing to do is find out how much your wife was making in the PI and all of her expenses then find out how much she had left over to send home to her parents.

Most of the workers over there only make $1500/year so unless your wife had a very good job (in which case her parents should already have been well off and shouldn't need to ask you for money) then she was sending less than $1500 per year/3 (a girl's gotta live, eat, pay for Cell Phone load, Internet Cafe Time, and have jeepney money) so a max of $500/12 = $41.66 USD per month from her earnings and I almost guarantee once you get the numbers out of her, it will be close if not less than that amount of money that she was sending home on a monthly basis. So then agree to send that much to them on a monthly basis. They were getting by before you came into the picture so just take yourself out of the equation and they will make due again.

The problem lies in the fact that HER family is asking her for money for this and that and everything else and she doesn't know how to say NO yet to them. Remember they are making her feel guilty about not helping that is why she's so upset. She's asking you to send $xxx amount and you are saying no, her family is pressuring her, she doesn't have a job (of her own choosing) so she's using the only weapon left available to her and that is manipulation to make you do what she wants and if you give in to it, then it will become the norm in your relationship when she doesn't get her way.

If you want, do yourself a favor, call the family and find out what this absurd amount being asked for is being used for. I bet you most of it will just be wants and not needs, this might also help your wife out kasi she will be allowed to "save face" and the family will know that they have upset YOU and will ease up on how much they ask for from your wife.

My In-Laws have a wish list of things that they want. They run a sari-sari shop out of their house and the things that they have on the wish list are all things that will help them with the store and in turn, should help them make more money and that is something that I will gladly help with.

We got a phone call at 12:30am this morning crying for money. I transferred money to their ATM account so they could pay the electric bill. I just wish they wouldn't call at such hours, it took me two hours to get back to sleep and I had to get up for work at 6. Ugh, I am tired and sleepy

LOL hate to say it, but you are a drama sucker.

Unless there was an extreme financial emergency then they are over-dramatizing it with you.

It makes it much more important to wait until the last minute for it to become a "crisis" than it does to tell you 2 weeks ago that they weren't going to have the money to pay their electric bill so you could've planned this into your budget. I myself wouldn't have sent it right away. I would've made them wait for one week so that they would get the idea that I am not an instant ATM and calling me at that time of the day is a big no-no as well.

[MikeMc 38]

It's all about communication and education... A fool and his money are soon parted.

If it's a common thing for fillipinas to help their family out with money then the wife probably assumed that her USC husband knew about this and understood this before marriage. If it's so common then it's just one in a list of cultural differences that he should have educated himself on before marrying this foreigner. Or should she have given him a book "Phillipina culture for Dummies" or outright told him about what she expected from him beforehand? The jury is out on that one...

My point is, if it's such a common thing in the Phillipino culture to take care of your parents/family by sending money then this guy should have atleast stumbled across it on his research he hopefully did before marrying a Phillipina... and should not come on here acting all surprised that this has now transpired After the marriage...

This problem stems from a fundamental cultural difference. It's not a bad thing to take care of your parents by sending them money, don't take offense to this at all, I think it's wonderful if you are able to. Some cultures are just different though, in America it's more "each for their own" and the elderly are more than likely to spend the end of their days in retirement homes/hospices and not with family members, therefore Americans always put money away for retirement as soon as they can.

If these two got to know each other well beforehand and the OP had spent some time educated himself well on her culture and she on his then maybe this would not now become such a problem and the USC be so surprised at his new wive's demands... Before marrying anyone it's a good idea to get to know them well, but if you're going to be marrying someone from a completely different culture, age group, religion etc. you should do your research thoroughly on that culture so you won't be surprised to learn about such a seemingly common cultural trait after the marriage, and one that could potentially leave you heartbroken and broke...

Where in the OP did he state that this is all new to him? He's fine sending some money, just not the amount she is asking to be sent?

Work on your reading comprehension and slow down on the stereo-typing.

[Dakine 26]

Bottomline is the younger filipinos take care of family . They either marry a puti/kano or a LOT go overseas and be a contract worker and send money home.

Both are a BIG addition to the Philippine economy.

[-B&T- 1]

Bottomline is the younger filipinos take care of family . They either marry a puti/kano or a LOT go overseas and be a contract worker and send money home.

Both are a BIG addition to the Philippine economy.

Agree and we're hailed us heroes by GMA! What a f-up system.

[-B&T- 1]

...

Edited January 5, 2010 by I-10 West

[kev_n_jena 89]

This thread can be educational for all couples. Get to know each other well before committing to one another. Discuss EVERYTHING and leave no stone unturned. Be open and honest with each other. Be realistic about your future together. Life isn't all roses as we'd sometimes like to think.

I won't go into specifics of our financial situation, but my wife knew what would happen before she came here and we had an agreement. We also had an agreement before she found work as to where her salary would go.

[andrew&evelyn 6]

My wife never asked me for money or to send money to her parents, but I chose to because i knew she was sending the majority of her paycheck to her parents when she worked in the philippines. I dont send much, only $100 per month, but I did buy back their farm that they had in hock which cost about $3,500. I'll send money if there is a REAL emergency, but to be honest, her parents never ask us for money which i guess is why i dont mind giving it.

If her parents are hungry, i will always send money for food. Or if their is a medical emergency, i will help out too. But if they called me at 12am saying they needed money because the electricity was about to be cut, i would say "well i guess its going to be cut then" There are plenty of people in philippines that live without electric.

I know some husbands send alot of money to their in-laws, but if you send anymore than $200 per month, you are just asking to have them be dependant on you. You need to send them just enough that they cant live on what you send them so they have to work. Otherwise you are just doing a dis-service to them.

[Gilles 4]

There is a code in PI, that family members should go off and work abroad and send money home.

$200 per month is big money in PI, that's a good salary per month in PI. So sending a little home each month is not a big deal for most.

I bet you a lot of people whom are married to Pinays send money home, but on the other hand wife usually works and makes the money to send home.

So I would say it is fairly common to send money back to PI.

I don't have any issues with the wife sending money back to her family - provided she works and contributes to the budget. She needs to understand that the more money she sends back, the less is left for us and our future. I've tried explaining to her that taking money from one pot to pay for 'A' reduces the money in the pot left to pay for 'B'. But she doesn't get it.

[Gilles 4]

if she's dedicated how come she gave up looking for work easily?

I've asked her and she says no one wants to hire her - even though she hasn't really tried to find work. She seems to think employers should come to her and that she need not be proactive to find work. I'm willing to do a little networking for her, but that's about all I can do. I don't have the resources to employ her myself!

if she's loyal, sounds to me her loyalty does not lie with you.

Are you sure she did not marry you for your money? OR You did not misrepresent yourself when you visited her in the Philippines and made everybody believe you are rich?

While it may not be a misrepresentation, I can see how she would get the impression that while on vacation, it appears as if I have a bottomless pit of money. But I did make it very clear to her that I'm not wealthy.

How much was she 'alledgedly' supporting her parents before she met you, perhaps you can send half the amount while she is jobless and then tell her she can send the other half once she gets the job. Salary in PI is not that high, after taxes that might be around $300 only. That means you only need to send $150/month while she is jobless. I know of some of friends of mine in PI who lives and make do with $200/month, that includes rent, utilities, food, and a little entertainment. If they own a house then they will survive with $150/month.

She wasn't supporting her family at all prior to moving to the US.

In Asia you are at the least indebted to help your parent-in-laws (mother and father), the extended family is only bonus if you have extra money.

In the end, getting in debt so that the family in the Philippines can live in luxury is a BIG NO NO!!! If you finally go broke, honestly... do you think she'll stay with you?? After all she's only been here less than a year and she's already throwing tantrums about money. Think with your big head not the small one down below.

I have since made it very clear how much we can afford to send to her family and how often we can send it. If she asks for anything above and beyond that, I'll simply say no.

[Gilles 4]

To the OP, this is a burning question I have about American men going to Asia to find wives...

Why not find someone here that's at an equal economic level as you? Has the same or better level of education, work experience, work ethic, budget sense etc... why marry "down" instead of the norm "up"? Why marry someone who is from a family that needs financial support or are poor and sees you as their meal ticket??

Is this an "arrangement" that is often made beforehand in the K1 process? I just don't get this whole situation and trying to understand it... As far as I'm concerned, two people meet and in the process of falling in or out of love they they size each other up as marriage material, taking into account things such as age, looks (for the sake of future offspring and sexual attraction), family background, financial situation, education level etc.

Is it true when marrying certain poor foreign women that, she agrees to do something for you - provide unlimited sex, housekeeping duties etc. in exchange for you sending money to her family back home?

If you are right that these are simply "arrangements", then my wife and lots of other Filipina brides do an excellent job acting as if they really love their husband. A lot better than Truman Burbank's actor wife did in the movie The Truman Show.

We don't marry someone at an equal economic level because if we placed that criteria upon who we would consider for a potential mate, the numbers would be stacked to much against us that we would remain single our entire lives.

[Gilles 4]

@ Gilles: I took your comment about jeopardizing the cash flow as 2 things: 1. she gets in trouble for not making the committed $ she wanted u to send either coz she overextended herself by promising her family this is what she will send OR 2. she gets into trouble with her family coz she p'ed u off about it and u totally refuse to send 1 penny

That's precisely what happened. So I sent the amount she wanted to send and clearly gave her a period of time before we'd be able to send any more money and how much we could send in the future. No promises and no giving her reason to have wishful thinking.

here is my take: I have plenty of Filipina friends who are married to Americans, they send money to their family yes but its her own money, she works and sends what she has. She does get into "trouble" sometimes when she is not able to send the amount needed due to less hours worked or unexpected bills BUT what she does is borrow from her husband and pay him back. This as far as I know happened only during enrollment periods when school fees needed to be paid. She has been supporting her nieces/nephews through school. But the trouble part isnt where she is excommunited or anything like that, its more like what we call tampo in the Philippines.

The worst thing one can do is to send the same amount on a regular basis. The amount needs to fluctuate and the interval needs to never be the same. That way the family in the Philippines will never come to depend on an income stream from you.

What you have to understand is its obvious this woman isnt right in her mind, I would be willing to be bet she only married you to be able to support her family, sad but I most def think true. If this is how it is now, then I would advise you to end this now and not have to go through the AOS at all. By all means let her leave then! To me its just an empty threat to make you do what she wants coz as u say she doesnt have money of her own, where is she going to go and what is she going to send her family?

While I don't think she married me strictly for money to be sent to her family, I do think she ruled out most potential mates because they wouldn't have been able to send money to her family.

[TBoneTX 45,029]

While I don't think she married me strictly for money to be sent to her family, I do think she ruled out most potential mates because they wouldn't have been able to send money to her family.

This thread makes me very happy that I married into a culture that's too proud to ask for or expect charity, or to accept it even in the most dire of circumstances. In fact, I'm quite floored at my wife's ingenuity in helping her family members to help themselves. Much sympathy to you, dude, and to all others who are faced with your situation -- but if you "must" send money to people who haven't earned it on the behest of someone who won't earn it, your idea about unpredictable timing & amounts seems to be the least bad option. And, her attitude of ruling out most mates is, to me, just as revolting as that of the American gold-diggerettes at singles' functions whose first question is not "what's your name?" but "what do you do?" Edited January 6, 2010 by TBoneTX

[TracyTN 237]

She wasn't supporting her family at all prior to moving to the US.

Almost sounds as if she was waiting until she married you and arrived in the supposed 'land of milk and honey' before demanding that her family must now be taken care of.

I'd run to the nearest (marriage) exit.