Financial support to my wife's family in the Philippines

[Fandango 1,439]

Withhold immigration benefits isn't a good thing.

If you have to hold it over her head then why are you still married.

If she complies until ROC, then what do you threaten her with next?

No tv for a month and she can't leave the table until she finishes all her vegetables.

[Fandango 1,439]

I do have one serious comment: it seems that aside from whether she married you for money or not, neither one of you know what the definition of a partnership is. She's doing her thing, you're laying down ultimatums, both of you are manipulating the other in this over year long power play. Look back at your posts: 'I'm going to make her...' 'I'm going to tell her she needs to....' 'I will take away internet' etc. She also is dictating to you what she wants, and it seems that neither of you have the slightest desire to actually consider the other's feelings, and actually strike a reasonable compromise.

I think that aside from the actual money issue, you two (if you want to stay together) need counseling and need to understand how a true marriage works.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but there you go.

[rlogan 2,036]

Manipulative people are loathe to get counseling because they know exactly what they are doing and don't want to give up their manipulative tactics.

My ex-wife had been sexually abused by her father for years, along with her sisters, and I knew there was something horribly wrong, but seven years of anguish brought me to the ultimatum - either go to counseling with me and tell me what is going on inside you or it's divorce. Counseling did not work before but this time the counsellor is finally going to know the truth about what's wrong with you. ####### is wrong with you?! So finally she told me about the daily raping her father was doing, and how her mother had walked in on them, saw it, and instead of doing anything she turned away and left the room.

I can't tell you how angry I was after seven long years trying to get out of her ####### was wrong, and her denying the whole time. Giving me blank looks and "what do you mean, what's wrong? There must be something wrong with YOU always asking me what's wrong..."

She tricked me into agreening that she could go first alone to make sure she was "comfortable" with a counselor and then I would come later. We're paying over a hundred bucks an hour for this and no insurance coverage for it. Months go by, and I keep asking when I am supposed to come.

She lied every time I asked, asserting the counselor did not want me there. Well finally I said either you let me come or I am divorcing you anyway. It isn't working.

So I came. It was one of the most horrible experiences I have ever been through. Every time I tried to open my mouth they interrupted me. They prohibited me from using words like "fact" and other words, without allowing any kind of substitute words. I was not allowed to finish a single sentence.

I could not understand what the heck was going on. It seemed like I was there for one thing, and they were talking about completely different things. I finally burst out of their chains and asked if my wife had even bothered to tell the counsellor that she had been raped daily by her father as a child, and that we were having horrible problems with intimacy because of it, along with her control-freak approach to everything else. No, not a word.

I looked in disbelief at the counselor and said "don't you think this matters?!" "Isn't it important that the whole reason she is here has not even once been discussed with you?!" "How can you sit there with this blank look on your face as if this was forgetting some irrelevant?!" Her answer was that my wife had hired her, and she was going to talk about what my wife wanted to talk about and nothing else. Well, my wife had simply lied about why she had gone to the counselor, and it was my wife that was not letting me come, not the counselor. She was not letting me come because she did not want me to tell the counselor what the problems actually were. She claimed she was there for depression.

Well of course that was the last straw. A dedicated manipulator is going to use the dirtiest cruelty all the way to the last breath, and even if you manage to get them into counseling unless they are committed to fixing things then it is not going to work.

[fozzie 41]

I can't beleive I wasted 2 hours reading 22 pages of this sh!t. I only kept going because I thought there might be an interesting finale. Oh well, back to work.

PS: It ain't love, you're just horny.

Edited March 19, 2011 by fozzie

[Fandango 1,439]

Manipulative people are loathe to get counseling because they know exactly what they are doing and don't want to give up their manipulative tactics.

My ex-wife had been sexually abused by her father for years, along with her sisters, and I knew there was something horribly wrong, but seven years of anguish brought me to the ultimatum - either go to counseling with me and tell me what is going on inside you or it's divorce. Counseling did not work before but this time the counsellor is finally going to know the truth about what's wrong with you. ####### is wrong with you?! So finally she told me about the daily raping her father was doing, and how her mother had walked in on them, saw it, and instead of doing anything she turned away and left the room.

I can't tell you how angry I was after seven long years trying to get out of her ####### was wrong, and her denying the whole time. Giving me blank looks and "what do you mean, what's wrong? There must be something wrong with YOU always asking me what's wrong..."

She tricked me into agreening that she could go first alone to make sure she was "comfortable" with a counselor and then I would come later. We're paying over a hundred bucks an hour for this and no insurance coverage for it. Months go by, and I keep asking when I am supposed to come.

She lied every time I asked, asserting the counselor did not want me there. Well finally I said either you let me come or I am divorcing you anyway. It isn't working.

So I came. It was one of the most horrible experiences I have ever been through. Every time I tried to open my mouth they interrupted me. They prohibited me from using words like "fact" and other words, without allowing any kind of substitute words. I was not allowed to finish a single sentence.

I could not understand what the heck was going on. It seemed like I was there for one thing, and they were talking about completely different things. I finally burst out of their chains and asked if my wife had even bothered to tell the counsellor that she had been raped daily by her father as a child, and that we were having horrible problems with intimacy because of it, along with her control-freak approach to everything else. No, not a word.

I looked in disbelief at the counselor and said "don't you think this matters?!" "Isn't it important that the whole reason she is here has not even once been discussed with you?!" "How can you sit there with this blank look on your face as if this was forgetting some irrelevant?!" Her answer was that my wife had hired her, and she was going to talk about what my wife wanted to talk about and nothing else. Well, my wife had simply lied about why she had gone to the counselor, and it was my wife that was not letting me come, not the counselor. She was not letting me come because she did not want me to tell the counselor what the problems actually were. She claimed she was there for depression.

Well of course that was the last straw. A dedicated manipulator is going to use the dirtiest cruelty all the way to the last breath, and even if you manage to get them into counseling unless they are committed to fixing things then it is not going to work.

Obviously there's more to the story, but going off this post alone, it seems to me like your ex had legitimate troubling issues, and I think it's a bit unfair to use this as fodder in regards to this thread.

I would assume that if it took her 7 years to tell you, it was going to take a while to build a trust with the therapist that was strong enough for your ex to feel comfortable to confide in her. Your ex obviously has some damaging, debilitating issues that I would assume were priority over your intimacy issues/anger/resentment.

[Gilles 4]

While some people in here have offered some good advice, what many are forgetting is that I love my wife. After reading many of the responses, I get the impression that many of you view bringing a wife over from the Philippines is more a business arrangement than an act of love between the man & woman. If I didn't love my wife and simply viewed it as a business arrangement, I would have had her sent back to the Philippines well over a year ago.

Do many of the women in here view it as business arrangement or an act of love?

How about the men? Do they view it as a business arrangement or an act of love?

[TBoneTX 45,580]

Do they view it as a business arrangement or an act of love?

It's been sounding to me (and, undoubtedly, to others) that your wife views it as a business arrangement: Marry an American, send her/his/their money to her parents and family. Had MY wife tried that, I'd have long ago kicked her shapely hindquarters back to her country -- and before I married her, too. Edited March 24, 2011 by TBoneTX

[sachinky 465]

+1 to PP.

[Laser1 63]

My wife arrived earlier this year from the Philippines and we've gladly sent some money to her family on a few occasions. Now she wants to send amounts that don't fit comfortably into our budget. If I give in, we'll be in financial ruins and if I don't, my wife raises a stink about it. I see this as a serious problem. Has anyone had similar issues - and perhaps some good resolutions?

Does the amount she want to send now fit comfortably in your budget? Does she still say you are cheap when you refuse amounts over your budget?

[TracyTN 237]

It's been sounding to me (and, undoubtedly, to others) that your wife views it as a business arrangement: Marry an American, send her/his/their money to her parents and family. Had MY wife tried that, I'd have long ago kicked her shapely hindquarters back to her country -- and before I married her, too.

That's exactly it, Gilles. Why do you care what people in here view it as? The important thing is how you and your wife view your marriage. She seems to see it as a business arrangement, while you seem to have approached it out of love. Which she seems to be taking advantage of so that her business arrangement works out in her (and her family's) favor.

[rlogan 2,036]

We don't lie and steal from our business partners. We make agreements and stick to them. We talk things over and plan things for mutual advantage. We give bona-fide consideration to their opinion. We don't extort concessions out of them.

I think this really sullies the ubiquitous economic arrangement between spouses. It's absolute fact you have to make financial decisions as a couple. Rent or mortgage must be paid, utilities, saving for retirement, medical bills, taxes, what you do with disposable income etc. -

We make our economic arrangements through mutual cooperation and respect. Your wife acts like a thief in your own house and you ask how best to extort what you want from her.

I guess I mean to say that even if two people have strictly a business relationship like prostitute and john that the prostitute would not be stealing the man's wallet and the man would not be holding a knife to her throat to prevent it. Instead, they'd be agreeing on a price, conducting their business, and everyone is happy.

This has to do with basic interhuman relations, going beyond marriage.

[rlogan 2,036]

I would assume that if it took her 7 years to tell you, it was going to take a while to build a trust with the therapist that was strong enough for your ex to feel comfortable to confide in her.

Telling me did not have a thing to do with trust. It was because I literally laid down divorce papers in front of her. It was a last ditch effort to manipulate me into staying in her clutches.

Looks pretty silly to pose that as finally building up "trust" and being "comfortable" enough to confide in me or anyone else.

When you have agreed that she is going to counseling expressly to tell the counselor she was raped every day by her father and how that screwed up her marriage, there is no such thing as needing to "build up trust" before "confiding". That's what she was going there for. That was our agreement. Day 1.

The literature is very clear on how loathe manipulative people are to agree to counseling because all their manipulative tactics will be called for what they are, and these are the things they depend on to control you.

[tokyobelle 2]

Update: It's now been a year since my wife started working part time (making about $1000 net per month). During this time, she did contribute about 75% of the groceries and paid one bill (less than $100/month) for about 4 months. I cut her some slack during the last few months, as she was going to school to increase her earning potential. But during that time, she insisted that I use our bill paying money to send funds to her family in the Philippines. When I refused, she went ahead and sent money but lied to me about where she got the money. Now that she is on the verge of working full time, one day she says she wants the first $5000 to $10000 she earns from her new job to build a house for her family in the Philippines and the next day she says for me to not worry about our finances, as she'll contribute to our budget. I have informed her that I will determine how much she gives from each paycheck and she gets furious. So I've started taking away some of her privileges to let her know I'm serious.

But more importantly, her two year green card expires in a couple months and I've told her if she's not contributing to our budget in a reasonable manner, then I will not sign the papers for the conditions to be removed so she can get a 10 year card. Just what happens if I don't sign/submit the form for doing that?

know what, there are two sides of the story. your wife might be immature and manipulative but you are acting the same with the way you blackmail her. did you marry a Filipina thinking that she is submissive?

since she has her job now, why not open a joint account for your bills and common expenses budget then let her do whatever she wants with the rest of the money she earns.

you should have discussed your financial arrangements before you got married. did you even try to know her family's condition or meet them before you married her?

with my situation, i am the first born and my sister is still in college. i have been the breadwinner of the family ever since i started working. in the philippines, very few of our parents have gone to college and it is hard to find a job unless you find other ways like setting up your own business. we don't have the same privileges like you guys have as far as health insurance and retirement. i hate the culture myself and i am putting an end to this vicious cycle for my own family. there are some parents who see their kids as retirement investment. the extended family is also expecting "pasalubongs" everytime you go home to the philippines (if you are working abroad).

i cut ties with those leeches. i can never turn away my back helping my mom as she have sacrificed the same for me when i was studying in school. i guess with the American culture you pay for your own expenses sometimes for college. i am not saying that is not right, it's actually good to learn independence at such a young age. sometimes my mom pouts cuz she says i am not giving her enough money. because of the recession, i have learned my lesson to save money for the future. i told her they can make do with what i give as we have done the same in the past. my sister, who is 18, is now doing our budget and i audit it to see if there are unwanted expenses. she does really good and understands why we are doing this and we needed to save money. well my mom is hopeless with budgeting cuz she got used to living paycheck by paycheck LOL.

even before my fiance and i agreed to enter this relationship, we already discussed matters about financial arrangements even how we would raise our kids. it is important to discuss if you see each other eye to eye before you get married and not just getting someone to agree to marry you. he understands my situation and he knows the first few months of me moving there would require adjustments. he would help as much as he can, he said, though i did not ask him to. however, as much as possible, i want the money to come from me so my family won't think that they can get money whenever they want. i also have plans of buying a house, but this is to finally move away my family from everyone who pulls us down.

my fiance and i subscribes to equal partnership. there are no roles specific to gender. heck i would be even willing to be the career woman and him tending to kids if the situation calls for it. i do not keep tabs on what he does not give or provide. i even earn more than he does and he does not feel a bit emasculated by it.

i hope you and your wife find a common ground, it is not too late. you can still compromise and work things out. stop this power play struggle and stick to what you have promised yourselves when you got married -- in sickness and in health, for better or for worse. i know it sounds cliche, but hey...isn't that the essence of marriage? prove that romance has not yet faded away.

[mamaSue 38]

It's been sounding to me (and, undoubtedly, to others) that your wife views it as a business arrangement: Marry an American, send her/his/their money to her parents and family. Had MY wife tried that, I'd have long ago kicked her shapely hindquarters back to her country -- and before I married her, too.

:thumbs:

[Pinkranger 0]

I can't beleive I wasted 2 hours reading 22 pages of this sh!t. I only kept going because I thought there might be an interesting finale. Oh well, back to work.

PS: It ain't love, you're just horny.

This cracked me up, big time!