Financial support to my wife's family in the Philippines

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I am sorry but I know I may sound harsh, here goes:

Smack her upside her head, did she marry you for you or for your money so she can support her family? Just so everyone knows, I am the Filipina wife here. I do not and never expect my husband to send them money or anything else even though as everyone says its the Filipino way. I will not burden or obligate my husband in such a manner. My husband is the one who initiates sending gifts etc to my family, I would be the sensible one telling him our budget is tight right now, etc etc.

By all means, tell her to work if she wants to send more! When my husband and I were courting, he was telling me about his friends who also married Filipinas and how they expect and know they are supposed to send money home to support/help the family. I told him no! That is not how I operate, I do not and never will expect him to do that, and to this day, I have never asked him to send them money or gifts. I do not think it is right, everyone thinks once you marry an American that the money just drops out of the sky.

Sorry for the vent but I am outraged that your wife would FORCE you to do this and throw a fit when you are incapable of agreeing to her demands.

Good post. Seems to be a regionally hot topic. Much less common with FSU women. My MIL somehow managed to survie and live and even save some money before I met Alla and we got married, how would that change after Alla meets me? I mean was your wife providing all that much income that now she cannot? And if that is the case why can't SHE provide the income now in the much higher paying economy of the US? The average income in Ukraine is something like $300 per MONTH and how would we be required to double or triple that amount? My MIL lived on her pension before and she can live on it now. Marrying her daughter did nothing to change that. Just makes no sense at all.

I never understood this mentality of suddenly having to send money to people that never had money before. Alla knows we would help her mother if she needed it. So far she hasn't. We do not send money to MY mother either or my brothers or sisters or even our grown children. They are grownups...make your own living!

[Gilles 4]

Update: It's now been a year since my wife started working part time (making about $1000 net per month). During this time, she did contribute about 75% of the groceries and paid one bill (less than $100/month) for about 4 months. I cut her some slack during the last few months, as she was going to school to increase her earning potential. But during that time, she insisted that I use our bill paying money to send funds to her family in the Philippines. When I refused, she went ahead and sent money but lied to me about where she got the money. Now that she is on the verge of working full time, one day she says she wants the first $5000 to $10000 she earns from her new job to build a house for her family in the Philippines and the next day she says for me to not worry about our finances, as she'll contribute to our budget. I have informed her that I will determine how much she gives from each paycheck and she gets furious. So I've started taking away some of her privileges to let her know I'm serious.

But more importantly, her two year green card expires in a couple months and I've told her if she's not contributing to our budget in a reasonable manner, then I will not sign the papers for the conditions to be removed so she can get a 10 year card. Just what happens if I don't sign/submit the form for doing that?

[jennareid 20]

Every time this thread gets bumped I think "Ooh, maybe that guy's seen sense and finally divorced that manipulative wife of his." But no, I see you're still treating her like a child and hoping she'll change when she clearly won't. It's getting boring.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

But more importantly, her two year green card expires in a couple months and I've told her if she's not contributing to our budget in a reasonable manner, then I will not sign the papers for the conditions to be removed so she can get a 10 year card. Just what happens if I don't sign/submit the form for doing that?

Withhold immigration benefits isn't a good thing.

If you have to hold it over her head then why are you still married.

If she complies until ROC, then what do you threaten her with next?

[LlamaInvasion 76]

So... she manipulates you, stomps and throws tantrums like a tween girl, lies, and has you so desperate that you're contemplating blackmailing her with her immigration benefits?

I feel this needs re-quoted:

Divorce!!!

WAKE UP...!

She doesn't love you...!

She is manipulating you...!

A relationship with manipulation and blackmail (both emotional and non) is not a relationship of love. I know you won't listen, because others have given their advice over the past year and a half, and yet you seem to be stuck in the classic state of denial that's so common amongst people in (both physically and emotionally) abusive relationships. But I needed to get it off my chest anyway.

[Laser1 63]

Now that she is on the verge of working full time, one day she says she wants the first $5000 to $10000 she earns from her new job to build a house for her family in the Philippines

"Dear family,

Enjoy your new house. I worked very hard for it. I will get my green card soon. Then I can move, unless he pays my bills, hehe.

Love,"

Edited March 15, 2011 by Laser1

[Tahoma 2,292]

"Dear family,

Enjoy your new house. I worked very hard for it. I will get my green card soon. Then I can move, unless he pays my bills, hehe.

Love,"

That's really funny!!!

[James and Cynthia 70]

"Dear family,

Enjoy your new house. I worked very hard for it. I will get my green card soon. Then I can move, unless he pays my bills, hehe.

Love,"

PS: Sorry I don't email often, but I am currently grounded from the computer.

[Tahoma 2,292]

PS: Sorry I don't email often, but I am currently grounded from the computer.

[TracyTN 237]

But in all seriousness, Gilles - what do you really expect here? Surely you've heard the old adage 'The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result', right? We passed that several months ago I think.

But at any rate - its clear this is just who your wife is so, as I see it, you have two options:

1.) Learn to accept her behavior (and stop complaining about it). Taking on another job to help you pay your bills and for her priorities wouldn't be a bad idea.

2.) Divorce her

Otherwise, I'm beginning to think we have enough evidence now to suggest insanity.

[rlogan 2,036]

Nevertheless he's reported to us. There are more Gilles's out there. Even though most are going to disagree about running marriage as a manipulation war, it is beneficial to see a case study that others learn from. A lot of people couldn't take the kind of heat he's been given for relating this story.

[TracyTN 237]

I didn't say that putting the issue out there may not be beneficial to others. It may well be. But this has been going on for a while now - since December 2009 . Is there much more conversation to be had?

It's time to either s*** or get off the pot.

[rlogan 2,036]

I didn't say that putting the issue out there may not be beneficial to others. It may well be. But this has been going on for a while now - since December 2009 . Is there much more conversation to be had?

It's time to either s*** or get off the pot.

Right TracyTN. I apologize if I sounded like I was criticizing you. I wasn't.

[ChelseaKate 3]

Love your principle. girl!!! Keep it up!!!!

I am sorry but I know I may sound harsh, here goes:

Smack her upside her head, did she marry you for you or for your money so she can support her family? Just so everyone knows, I am the Filipina wife here. I do not and never expect my husband to send them money or anything else even though as everyone says its the Filipino way. I will not burden or obligate my husband in such a manner. My husband is the one who initiates sending gifts etc to my family, I would be the sensible one telling him our budget is tight right now, etc etc.

By all means, tell her to work if she wants to send more! When my husband and I were courting, he was telling me about his friends who also married Filipinas and how they expect and know they are supposed to send money home to support/help the family. I told him no! That is not how I operate, I do not and never will expect him to do that, and to this day, I have never asked him to send them money or gifts. I do not think it is right, everyone thinks once you marry an American that the money just drops out of the sky.

Sorry for the vent but I am outraged that your wife would FORCE you to do this and throw a fit when you are incapable of agreeing to her demands.

[TracyTN 237]

Right TracyTN. I apologize if I sounded like I was criticizing you. I wasn't.

You're fine! I knew you weren't criticizing me per se, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't coming across like the conversation topic itself wasn't worth having. That was never my intention.