Financial support to my wife's family in the Philippines

[Nina~ 431]

Really? That just doesn't seem possible?

+1

[Gilles 4]

I know I'm not alone here, as I've been in contact with another American man whose Filipina wife repeatedly tries to extort money from him. She'll do things like register for a class and then after the class starts tell her husband that the school needs another $1,000. When he asks for a bill or statement from the school, she doesn't provide one and throws a fit. So he just doesn't give her the money.

[Darnell 8,478]

Gilles - no, you aren't alone on this.

I think you might be alone, though, on yer particular choices for fiduciary resolution, though.

[rlogan 2,036]

Really? That just doesn't seem possible?

I was joking because I am 30 years older than her. It has been really rewarding to see what a great mother and companion she has become, along with being a mentor and example to her siblings.

I know I'm not alone here, as I've been in contact with another American man whose Filipina wife repeatedly tries to extort money from him. She'll do things like register for a class and then after the class starts tell her husband that the school needs another $1,000. When he asks for a bill or statement from the school, she doesn't provide one and throws a fit. So he just doesn't give her the money.

If you try google with different keywords like "filipina scammer" or more generally "green card scam" and "visa fraud", etc. you are going to see stories of people who sent $10K and more to the Philippines, and their "fiance" was already married to a Filipino along with being engaged to a third person in Australia & etc. So yes, money scams are common. There are even cases of attempted murder and successful homicides.

Not exactly things to take comfort in. We can find examples of spousal abuse, incest, yadda yadda too. It's just best to avoid all of the above.

With the case you mentioned, this is over the line for unacceptable behavior. No telling what a person is capable of if they are repeatedly pulling scams like that.

[Gilles 4]

I was joking because I am 30 years older than her. It has been really rewarding to see what a great mother and companion she has become, along with being a mentor and example to her siblings.

If you try google with different keywords like "filipina scammer" or more generally "green card scam" and "visa fraud", etc. you are going to see stories of people who sent $10K and more to the Philippines, and their "fiance" was already married to a Filipino along with being engaged to a third person in Australia & etc. So yes, money scams are common. There are even cases of attempted murder and successful homicides.

Not exactly things to take comfort in. We can find examples of spousal abuse, incest, yadda yadda too. It's just best to avoid all of the above.

With the case you mentioned, this is over the line for unacceptable behavior. No telling what a person is capable of if they are repeatedly pulling scams like that.

Since the last post in this thread, my wife has gotten more understanding of me saying "no" when it comes to her financial demands. For the most part, she's been on good behavior and has been making increasing contributions to our household expenses. And she has been showing other signs that she understands that we come first and her family comes second. But recently she insisted on sending large sums of money to her family in the Philippines because one of her relatives was going to be held "hostage" in a hospital. Read more at http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/280345-sending-money-to-your-wifes-family-for-hospital-expenses/

As she's working and has been sending money regularly to her family, I wouldn't give her the money. So she wined and complained and ultimately borrowed the money from someone else. When I asked her where she got the money from, she refused to tell me.

[TBoneTX 45,580]

I read the other thread. Sigh. Do you really want to live the rest of your days like this, man?

[Ken y Leidys 20]

Thanks for the feedback. I tell her the amount that is the most which can comfortably fit into the budget and she gets upset, telling me that I'm cheap.

Give your wife an allowance that she can spend or ship off if she likes. Tell her that she can spend the money on hair products, clothes, boots, or she can wear old clothes and not get her hair done, etc. Just do what you can to protect your finances.

[Gilles 4]

Give your wife an allowance that she can spend or ship off if she likes. Tell her that she can spend the money on hair products, clothes, boots, or she can wear old clothes and not get her hair done, etc. Just do what you can to protect your finances.

She's going to want me to pay for her schooling and I won't do that unless she turns over complete control of her income to me. (with her income, she could save up enough for the first part of her schooling in less than six months) Although she's been paying some household bills and has been taking care of a good portion of the household expenses (primarily groceries), she hasn't been responsible with the remainder of her money and hasn't been accountable either. She hasn't saved up any money and has sent practically 100% of her excess to her family in the Philippines. She'll inevitably throw a fit when I tell her she's going to have to pay for her schooling herself, but once she settles down, she'll either have to give up the idea of schooling or turn over her entire income so I can manage it with our best interests in mind.

[Joan >3 Bob 20]

I am sorry but I know I may sound harsh, here goes:

Smack her upside her head, did she marry you for you or for your money so she can support her family? Just so everyone knows, I am the Filipina wife here. I do not and never expect my husband to send them money or anything else even though as everyone says its the Filipino way. I will not burden or obligate my husband in such a manner. My husband is the one who initiates sending gifts etc to my family, I would be the sensible one telling him our budget is tight right now, etc etc.

By all means, tell her to work if she wants to send more! When my husband and I were courting, he was telling me about his friends who also married Filipinas and how they expect and know they are supposed to send money home to support/help the family. I told him no! That is not how I operate, I do not and never will expect him to do that, and to this day, I have never asked him to send them money or gifts. I do not think it is right, everyone thinks once you marry an American that the money just drops out of the sky.

Sorry for the vent but I am outraged that your wife would FORCE you to do this and throw a fit when you are incapable of agreeing to her demands.

Totally Agree!

[Gilles 4]

I am tossing between handling this one of two ways. She's working part time, making some $1200 to $1500 net per month. When she deposits her money, she puts about half in her checking account and takes about half of it cash back. So I'm beginning to think she didn't borrow the money in question, but took it out of this cash reserve accumulated from her "cash back" when she made deposits.

So I'm thinking about doing one of two things, as she isn't paying a reasonable amount towards our household bills.

1) Set up another account with her bank and as soon as she makes a deposit, immediately transfer it under my control.

2) Tell her she needs to contribute X dollars per months to the household bills (including auto insurance) and if she doesn't, then simply take her off the insurance policy & take away the keys.

Any thoughts?

[Laser1 63]

Option 1) is clearly the more civil option, since it limits your disagreement to dollars and cents.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

All of this time and she's still playing the games? I won't stop...

My wife's family knows to not ask money from us because my wife told them we are working hard to support our family here. They also don't know just how much the Medical Insurance is covering for out little guy's Cochlear Implants so they think I'm paying most of the $100,000.00 (per ear) out of my pocket!

Edited November 8, 2010 by Bob 4 Anna

[Gilles 4]

All of this time and she's still playing the games? I won't stop...

My wife's family knows to not ask money from us because my wife told them we are working hard to support our family here. They also don't know just how much the Medical Insurance is covering for out little guy's Cochlear Implants so they think I'm paying most of the $100,000.00 (per ear) out of my pocket!

I don't know the particulars of the discussions between my wife and her family. Is her family manipulating her into sending money? Or is my wife trying to be over generous? Either way, I'm having a very difficult time getting her to see that her priority should be with our own welfare first.

What would you do if your wife insisted on sending money to her family in the Philippines when you couldn't justify giving away the money? And then when you say "no", she tells you you're cheap, teases you about your previous relationships, etc?

And what would you do if your wife went to work, created her own checking account, denied you access to the funds and send practically all her income to her family in the Philippines?

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

I don't know the particulars of the discussions between my wife and her family. Is her family manipulating her into sending money? Or is my wife trying to be over generous? Either way, I'm having a very difficult time getting her to see that her priority should be with our own welfare first.

What would you do if your wife insisted on sending money to her family in the Philippines when you couldn't justify giving away the money? And then when you say "no", she tells you you're cheap, teases you about your previous relationships, etc?

And what would you do if your wife went to work, created her own checking account, denied you access to the funds and send practically all her income to her family in the Philippines?

D I V O R C E

[Caladan 19]

Okay, a couple of things I've noticed:

1) You talk about her like she's a child. Not just that she's acting childish, but that your expectations seem to take for granted that she's a child. E.g., if my husband and I were to fight over money, and he responded by saying "no computer for you as punishment", I'd probably wonder why on earth he thought it was appropriate to treat me like I was his teenaged daughter and ground me from the computer. It would make matters worse if he decided that he had sole control over my paycheck, or thought that he should take away the keys to teach me a lesson.

I'm saying you need to treat her like an adult. She has absolutely no incentive not to act like a spoiled teenager. Why not wheedle? You're just going to ground her, Daddy.

2) On the "contribute to the budget" thing. My dad was primary breadwinner and my mom had a small part-time job & was a stay-at-home mom. It would have been beyond weird if once she had that little library job, he demanded her paycheck so he could deduct her share of the mortgage. The money all comes out of the same place eventually; it was sensible to let her spend that on us kids for presents and keep the cash in her envelope. I wonder, since her income is not substantial, if it might work better to say that instead of her paying 10% of the bills that she can manage her discretionary spending and you won't contribute to her family beyond that. She's pulling in what, $10K per year?

What if you said, okay, here's how we can work this. I'll pay all the bills, but the only spending money you get is what you earn; you can spend that on your family or on yourself (including monthly car insurance); you're a grown-up, so decide what you want to do. She doesn't get access to the main account; your budget is secure. She learns to budget on her own. If you can work out issues, you can work them out without fighting over money.

3) I hesitate to recommend divorce because we're only hearing one side of it. But I do know that in some cultures more than others, you marry the whole family, and the amount of pressure they can put on her is crazy. Both you and she need to set boundaries, and it may help to think of you (even if she's not) as a unit against them.