Financial support to my wife's family in the Philippines

[ca_babe 129]

I discussed finances with my wife long before she came to the US. She made it clear to me that she would not expect me to support her family. She described herself as a "simple person" who didn't need a lot of fancy material goods. And I made it clear to her that I was not very wealthy, nor did I portray myself in that manner when I went to visit her. We also had a discussion about the advantages & disadvantages of her either working, going to school or doing nothing when she arrives here in the US. She pretty much chose to do nothing, but has failed to understand that the disadvantages have affected her.

Before my husband and I got married, he asked me whether we need to support my family in Philippines after getting married. I told him no. I then asked my mother if she expected me to support her and my siblings. She said that she was offended that I would even ask that question. She said they were able to survive without my husband before so why did he think that he'll be a cash cow now. My mother also said that I should let my husband know that my siblings are highly educated. My sister is a psychologist and my brother is an architect. They have a house that's fully paid unlike my husband who was still renting back then. A year after I got married, I decided to give a $4k gift to my family back home. I have a $80k job and we were still renting then without kids so we could easily afford it. That's when my family have changed. They aren't poor. But it's greed that got them to want more. Being poor doesn't automatically make you to want stuff. Likewise, being affluent doesn't also mean you aren't materialistic. Same reason why drug lords continue to do it to make more money not because they need the money. But because they're greedy. My family is definitely not poor but very greedy. They became greedy over time. So, I don't think you should judge people based on their wealth. I think they should be judged based on their moral integrity.

[wilgrace 3]

I'm not from the PI but I don't understand this -- is this considered to be normal? Do all American men married to Pinay women send money back to the PI on a regular basis? Surely your wife's family survived before you came along? Why are you expected to give them a weekly allowance all of a sudden? ESPECIALLY when you're not a millionaire and it is to your own financial detriment. I'm shocked that your wife would behave in such a childish and petulant manner. Why can't she get a job? If you are you "cheap" if you don't help out, I'd say she's lazy and irresponsible.

I mean it's one thing to send money if there's an emergency or a shortage of funds all of a sudden in a dire situation or Christmas gifts and such-- that's a different thing. I get that. But this is absolutely ridiculous. I would NEVER except my husband to be obligated for my family's upkeep. Ensure she understands how much you make and what your cost of living is--bills, gas, rent, etc. People arriving from poorer countries often have NO idea how HIGH the cost of living is in the U.S. or what the real value of a $ is. $20,000 per annum probably sounds like a ton of money to them.

Money doesn't grow on trees. Things like this make me extremely angry.

Sorry if I butted in where I don't belong.

I guess you picked a wrong one...i am a Filipina wife..when i was working in Toronto I sent so much money to my family to fits thier need...but when i met my husband and marry him i explained to my family that it's my time to take good care of myself and to be happy... .i dont want to give them money that out of my husband pocket.....i love my husband so much and i dont want to take advantage from him....he had a hard time in processing our papers and thats enough..

Ask your wife if she really loves you or just loves you because you are an American and she think you can support her family back home....show her the bills you need to pay every month and show her how much you got...and maybe whe will understand...

I know a woman from China who asked $1000 dollar a week from his American husband while she still in China and she still want her husband to send to his dad that amount even she's already here...he sent them more than $30,000 in less than a year until he thinks this is over.....and where is she now?....she ran off with her unadjusted k3 visa....then he knews she just love his money.....(well Filipina...chinese or whatever race you belong if you are this kind of a woman you are so EMBARASSING....)

[Sara and Alex 1]

So I've read most of the posts and am trying to wrap my head around the situation.

Honestly, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. You can find yourself someone who loves, appreciates you and doesnt see you as a ATM or think that all the extra money you guys have should be sent to her family.

Life is too short to live it unhappy or with someone who doesnt appreciate you.

If she doesnt understand everything you have told her, and tells you that you are cheap, it sort of sounds like she is not mentally ready for a marriage and to take on what comes with it. The actions you said she has displayed with making life miserable or acting badly because you cant send her family all your money honestly is childish sounding.

Sending $100-$300 home to her parents is about the farthest I would ever think of going and I would be damned if that was expected of me.

I hope your situation gets better, but honestly, if I were you. I would divorce her. People dont change, very rarely they will, but dont bank on it.

[rlogan 2,036]

ca_babe has pointed out a very common phenomenon with lottery winners.

When you win the lottery, it can actually change you for the worse. It can change you, change your family, change your friends. In her case, the family became manipulative and greedy.

There are some posters who might not understand how clearly their haughty and contemptuous attitude shines through, and we are told to look at how perfect they are. The only thing I can say is maybe you have the money situation figured out, but when your spouse, friends, or family need some understanding from you then your response is most likely to be what we have seen here: to put them down and insinuate how stupid they are for not being perfect like you. I am the poster boy for bad mistakes in life so I have understanding for it.

Manipulators are extremely cunning and it is flippant to ask what amounts to "are you greedy" when you meet one.

Normal people can change when they win the "lottery" with an Americano and it is more complex than just how people appear prior to marriage.

Finally, there is a personality type that is much less capable of dealing with manipulators: naiive, trusting, gullible, more compassionate towards others, etc.

So to the flippant, consider what you're saying conversely: "I'm selfish, greedy, non-trusting, non-compassionate, etc. so I don't see how anyone could fall for a manipulator."

Well golly, not everyone is like you. (I am not referring to the last poster. That was a sincere post)

Edited July 13, 2010 by rlogan

[trinket 30]

ca_babe has pointed out a very common phenomenon with lottery winners.

When you win the lottery, it can actually change you for the worse. It can change you, change your family, change your friends. In her case, the family became manipulative and greedy.

There are some posters who might not understand how clearly their haughty and contemptuous attitude shines through, and we are told to look at how perfect they are. The only thing I can say is maybe you have the money situation figured out, but when your spouse, friends, or family need some understanding from you then your response is most likely to be what we have seen here: to put them down and insinuate how stupid they are for not being perfect like you. I am the poster boy for bad mistakes in life so I have understanding for it.

Manipulators are extremely cunning and it is flippant to ask what amounts to "are you greedy" when you meet one.

Normal people can change when they win the "lottery" with an Americano and it is more complex than just how people appear prior to marriage.

Finally, there is a personality type that is much less capable of dealing with manipulators: naiive, trusting, gullible, more compassionate towards others, etc.

So to the flippant, consider what you're saying conversely: "I'm selfish, greedy, non-trusting, non-compassionate, etc. so I don't see how anyone could fall for a manipulator."

Well golly, not everyone is like you. (I am not referring to the last poster. That was a sincere post)

rlogan, I do see where you are coming from but I have a few things to say with that other thread you posted about disciplining your teenage wife. I am not trying to be judgmental but I guess I am coming across one anyways. My only question is why marry a teenager?

I didn't care about money when I was 18-19 year old, my dad provided for me and it was him who decided what is best for me. He was the one who disciplined me and my unending demands. I would assume thats what parents do, not your spouse. It would have been a disaster if I would have married a guy much older and well settled in life if I were 19 years of age. Do I or anyone else really need to be disciplined by their spouse? Yes your punishment or whichever word you want to use for your wife was a bit harsh (of letting her go without food for 2 days) but I guess thats what you have to do to teach someone a lesson.

But again my question is why marry someone who doesn't have the understanding of life as you have. I am not perfect I have made plenty of mistakes along with my husband, but we both were on the same boat of getting matured and grasping life in general and still are.

Again I am not trying to come across as haughty or anything. Just I feel if you marry someone treat them like your spouse not as your kid.

[Gilles 4]

'Discussion' meaning on the phone and online, yes? Did you actually watch her budget money and see how she spends it? Did you witness her managing her finances in a responsible manner?

To be honest, if I came from a poor family instead of a relatively well-off family in India and all I really cared about was getting my butt to the U.S. just so that I could get a job (or guilt my husband) into sending money for my family back home, I too would lie through my teeth about how I didn't give a ####### about fancy cars or Louis Vitton bags as well. Nobody ever says they are 'materialistic' or a 'gold digger.'

For example, $22,000 a year sounds like a lot of money when you come from a poor family in a Third World country. When you arrive here and realize that it's not the $ amount that matters, but rather, 'purchasing power' is what becomes really important, it's bit of an adjustment to make. Heck, I've been here for five years now, and I remember how shocked I was the first time I discovered that a set of four tires cost nearly $700.

You have to take a gamble when going with a foreign bride. You are right that the bright ones will withhold certain facts or embellish other facts to increase the likelihood that you'll choose them. The only ones you can weed out are those who blatantly manipulate you.

[rlogan 2,036]

I am not trying to be judgmental but I guess I am coming across one anyways.

As you said.

Maturity requires not being judgemental over perfectly legal and quite common marriages, especially on this forum.

Despite your age and insistance of your maturity, despite your own words indicating you knew being judgemental was wrong - you did it anyway. But I am not going to call you a child. Nor will I judge you and demand you explain to me this lack of maturity.

Instead, observe how in life we often make mistakes even when there are warning bells going off in our heads. Red flags waving.

Some of the guys here are attracted to scorching hot young women. I assure you though that had nothing to do with my decision. I thought she looked about my age.

[ca_babe 129]

You have to take a gamble when going with a foreign bride. You are right that the bright ones will withhold certain facts or embellish other facts to increase the likelihood that you'll choose them. The only ones you can weed out are those who blatantly manipulate you.

You have to take a gamble when you marry, period. Otherwise, why would US have a high divorce rate in general.

[Fandango 1,439]

nm

Edited July 13, 2010 by Happy Bunny

[Gilles 4]

You have to take a gamble when you marry, period. Otherwise, why would US have a high divorce rate in general.

Very good point. There are so many people who ask, "why go to the Philippines (or Russia or South America) to find a bride when you can find one here?". It's very easy to respond that the divorce rate among imported brides is probably lower than that among Americans who marry other Americans.

This is the impression I have gotten of my wife and some other Filipina wives: If you have five units of money to spend and you spend one unit, they think you still have five units left to spend.

[Armenia 18]

Very good point. There are so many people who ask, "why go to the Philippines (or Russia or South America) to find a bride when you can find one here?". It's very easy to respond that the divorce rate among imported brides is probably lower than that among Americans who marry other Americans.

That seems to be the general assumption. Are there studies that support it?

This is the impression I have gotten of my wife and some other Filipina wives: If you have five units of money to spend and you spend one unit, they think you still have five units left to spend.

? You mean that some of the Filipinas you've met view white husbands as having unlimited/regenerating money?

Leeches.

Widen your circle. There are actually a lot of FIlipinas who are smart, independent, decent, can earn their own money, knows math, has integridad.

[Gilles 4]

That seems to be the general assumption. Are there studies that support it?

? You mean that some of the Filipinas you've met view white husbands as having unlimited/regenerating money?

Leeches.

Widen your circle. There are actually a lot of FIlipinas who are smart, independent, decent, can earn their own money, knows math, has integridad.

Several of my wife's Filipina friends here in the US hold down full time jobs. While I don't know in what manner they contribute to their household budget(s), I can't imagine all or even half of them hog the money for themselves. Perhaps I should reach out to them in the hope that they'll knock some sense into my wife. Every time a full time work opportunity arises for my wife, she finds some way to rationalize out of having to go to work.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Several of my wife's Filipina friends here in the US hold down full time jobs. While I don't know in what manner they contribute to their household budget(s), I can't imagine all or even half of them hog the money for themselves. Perhaps I should reach out to them in the hope that they'll knock some sense into my wife. Every time a full time work opportunity arises for my wife, she finds some way to rationalize out of having to go to work.

Reach out to their husbands, you'll probably get better answers as the wives might me more hesitant to discuss such matters with you.

[LaL 418]

Some of the guys here are attracted to scorching hot young women. I assure you though that had nothing to do with my decision. I thought she looked about my age.

Really? That just doesn't seem possible?

[jrmejia 31]

I am sorry but I know I may sound harsh, here goes:

Smack her upside her head, did she marry you for you or for your money so she can support her family? Just so everyone knows, I am the Filipina wife here. I do not and never expect my husband to send them money or anything else even though as everyone says its the Filipino way. I will not burden or obligate my husband in such a manner. My husband is the one who initiates sending gifts etc to my family, I would be the sensible one telling him our budget is tight right now, etc etc.

By all means, tell her to work if she wants to send more! When my husband and I were courting, he was telling me about his friends who also married Filipinas and how they expect and know they are supposed to send money home to support/help the family. I told him no! That is not how I operate, I do not and never will expect him to do that, and to this day, I have never asked him to send them money or gifts. I do not think it is right, everyone thinks once you marry an American that the money just drops out of the sky.

Sorry for the vent but I am outraged that your wife would FORCE you to do this and throw a fit when you are incapable of agreeing to her demands.

can i give you this?