Financial support to my wife's family in the Philippines

[Laser1 63]

Th essence of this problem is that her family does not trust him yet. That is why she calls him "cheap". Once they gain trust, he can work with them to bring the sending under control.

[Craneman 2]

You must buy the family's trust ?????????

[trinket 30]

I know approximately how much my wife earns. Not exactly, but close enough. I've asked her to show me her paystubs, but she refuses. And she knows how much I earn and what percentage of my income goes towards bills. My wife refuses to accept that I don't have a huge stash of cash lying around. She seems to think because I have a relatively high annual salary, that I must have a lot of money left over. But after deductions, 401K, taxes, and bills, there is very little left over. I've told her but she refuses to accept it.

May be you should get her into some kind of basic Math classes, so she would learn how to add subtract and all the basic mathematical equations to know about the finances better. Well that's a thought.

Look its simple at the end of the day you haven't seen her paycheck at all. Yes you know how much she earns approximately, so does anyone here would know if we knew where she works. But she is YOUR wife, I am not saying finances has to be co-mingled but at least you should be aware of how much she earns. Why is she afraid of showing you her paycheck?

There is a lot of lying and hiding going on in your relationship. At the end of the day it is YOUR relationship, you either live with it or get out of it.

[Laser1 63]

You must buy the family's trust ?????????

No, it is the lack of trust that is causing all of that money to go to her family. But he does have to earn their trust, by talking with them.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

This issue isn't about the family trusting him. It's entirely between him & her. I'd be willing to bet that the family back home has no idea of how much tension there is in the house over these issues, it would be too embarrassing for her to admit what's happening to them.

The core issue here is that she has not yet transitioned (mentally) from being Mom & Dad's little girl to being his Grown-up wife. So this means:

1) She's more interested in pleasing Mom & Dad then how her husband feels.

2) She's still expecting someone else to provide all of her needs and wants.

3) She doesn't accept personal responsibility for anything.

So as long as she's treated like a child (gets what she wants by throwing tantrums, allowed to do as she pleases without any real consequences, not held responsible for her fair share of the expenses) then she'll continue to act like a child.

Gilles & I have Pm'ed on the topic and he's taking everything posted in this thread to heart. I'll give him credit, her really loves his wife and wants to get the marriage on track. Now it's just a matter of how long will it take and can he restrain his "nice guy" instincts long enough to get through to her.

[ValerieA 350]

Gilles, I hope you can get this whole situation straightened out, but if she has not changed one iota after all these months, I don't like your chances. You have to call her bluff so she can see that she doesn't have all the control in the relationship.

The one question that kept coming to mind as I read this - do you know she is actually sending the money to her family? She sounds so selfish that she would actually keep it for herself, and just use the excuse that she needs it for her family.

[Gilles 4]

If he sends the money that she currently sends, he would have established dialog and good-will with her family. Thus he would have more control over that.

Precisely. If my wife puts into the family budget a sizable portion of her net income (at least 60 to 70 percent), then she will see that I will give to her family from time to time.

[Gilles 4]

Giles, you can try this to bring this situation under control. I think it should work:

1) Ask her how much she now sends her family each month.

2) Propose to her that YOU send exactly that amount of money to her family each month, no more, AND that her pay goes towards the bills. She will probably agree to that.

3) When she starts working full-time, do not allow her to send the extra money there. The extra money can go towards house things and things your wife wants. Just not her family.

That should help dispel her belief that you are cheap, and bring the amount that is sent to her family under control.

Lou - Very intriguing idea. I think at #2, she'll be extremely confused. However, it won't work because her income isn't enough to cover the bills. How about a slight variation: I offer to send out of my pocket all my net income to her family and she covers all the bills. When she sees that she can't pay the bills, then she'll have to come to her "family money" for help.

[Laser1 63]

Lou - Very intriguing idea. I think at #2, she'll be extremely confused. However, it won't work because her income isn't enough to cover the bills.

My suggestion is that you assume the responsibility of physically hearing their requests and sending money, acting as the "gatekeeper". If you can pull her away from constantly hearing her family's sob stories, she may start thinking clearer about her money.

How about a slight variation: I offer to send out of my pocket all my net income to her family and she covers all the bills. When she sees that she can't pay the bills, then she'll have to come to her "family money" for help.

LOL! Whatever works for you...

[Married2009 32]

My suggestion is that you assume the responsibility of physically hearing their requests and sending money, acting as the "gatekeeper". If you can pull her away from constantly hearing her family's sob stories, she may start thinking clearer about her money.

LOL! Whatever works for you...

You are assuming her family is nagging her for money. From what we have heard, I am inclined to think that she may be sending/demanding so much to make herself look good in PI, not necessarily to help her family - that's just an end product.

[Gilles 4]

You are assuming her family is nagging her for money. From what we have heard, I am inclined to think that she may be sending/demanding so much to make herself look good in PI, not necessarily to help her family - that's just an end product.

Both are true. Her family is nagging her for money and she feels an obligation to help out.

[princess03 2]

be offended if you may, but this is what get from reading this entire post(i have nothing better to do):

the OP is basically in love with someone who doesn't even care about him/his feelings much less love him

and giving advise is like beating a dead horse...(its going nowhere)

hey gills(sp) if you want to stay in this "marriage" and be treated like a doormat then so be it, there is nothing anyone on here can do for you that you cant do for yourself

good luck

[littlecrazyangel 1]

I would send her back to PI with the first flight to teach her a lesson.

[Gilles 4]

Gilles, I hope you can get this whole situation straightened out, but if she has not changed one iota after all these months, I don't like your chances. You have to call her bluff so she can see that she doesn't have all the control in the relationship.

The one question that kept coming to mind as I read this - do you know she is actually sending the money to her family? She sounds so selfish that she would actually keep it for herself, and just use the excuse that she needs it for her family.

I have seen the receipts. The money is going to her family. But she pesters me to give her money, saying she is out of money when - if I do some simple math - I know she's saved close to a thousand dollars from her job.

[TBoneTX 44,804]

I have seen the receipts. The money is going to her family. But she pesters me to give her money, saying she is out of money when - if I do some simple math - I know she's saved close to a thousand dollars from her job.

So, what are you going to do about it?