Financial support to my wife's family in the Philippines

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

I've tried the nice approach and that hasn't worked, so I've taken a stance of buying absolutely nothing when it comes to household supplies/groceries. And if she asks me to pick something up, I ask her to provide me with money. I am no longer budging.

It's clear to me she's toying with me to see if she can get away with this, but I am at the point where I can put aside my inherent nature to always be nice and giving (when it comes to money or goods). But I can't yet figure out how to get her to contribute her portion of her income to the budget.

Sounds like you're making progress. It won't be a quick fix and there will be a lot of bumps in the road but you can make it through this trying time.

Having her pay for the groceries is a good one as you can always feed yourself if she refuses to shop for a short time.

I would suggest that you make her responsible for things that directly impact her daily life. Covering the expense of her own vehicle is a good start, don't be nice and fill her tank out of your pocket. Also require that she pay the cost of insuring & maintaining the car. Trust me she enjoys having the freedom that comes with the car.

Also, until she is contributing at a fair level to the household expenses you can without ALL support for sending money & BB Boxes to her family. If she wants you to help with those expenses then she needs to help with the rest of the expenses.

Another thing you can do is cut out all of the "extras", like dinner out or movies etc, until you two come to an agreement on the family budget.

When she first got here, Anna had some bad habits that I had to decide I simply wouldn't accept anymore and made it clear to her that they would stop. It didn't take long for her to get the message. If you'd like to know more just PM me, I wouldn't share some of the details in a public forum but in private I'm okay.

[John&Juvy 36]

Since my wife is now working, I am reviewing some of the old posts in this thread. While it is very easy for me to not budge, I am at a complete loss as to how to get her to contribute a reasonable portion of her income to where it is most appropriately needed - that being to our household expenses and to save for our future. She isn't open to the idea of a joint bank account and when I attempt to get her to pick up the tab in certain areas, has made threats such as saying she will starve herself if I don't buy the groceries.

The ironic thing is she is repeatedly calling me cheap, yet she is the one who is being cheap.

Are you sure your wife really love and care about you to care enough about your both future and marriage? Coz it seems like she's not. As what you posted, seems like your wife only care about her self and family in Philippines, and never have concern about you at all. Maybe for her your just a provider of her shelter while she's here in the US working, saving and sending her own money to her family. And then she was calling you cheap coz your not giving her any money so she can send it to Philippines, but you are asking her instead to share some of her money that making for the household . Lol I hope that's not the deal.

Anyway... does your wife know how much you making and how much you guys bills paying every month? Beacause the first time I saw my husband paying our bills online and writing checks for those bills I was in shocked lol. I was only thought my husband have nice job and making good money... and life was great lol. Then I found out that almost 70% of those income goes to our monthly bills lol. Then I realized, life is not that easy that I thought . But hey life still good with us and happy, and I am thankful about that. Atleast I also realized that I wanna help my husband even he asked and say anything about it. I am finally working full time now, and pay checks go straight to our savings... then probably once in a while I keep the 1/4 of it in my account when I wanna buy something then thats it .

Marriage is not easy... To keep the love and happiness of it both of you need to work on it, THAT if there is a real LOVE that really beggin with from both of you.... IMO, If theres's no love... Then no respect and care too. Damn love...

[trillium13 84]

I am here to seek ideas of how to get this to work by being firm and not budging.

You've gotten lots of advice to this end. You keep budging.

She doesn't respect you. She's like a spoiled 2 year old who throws a fit every time they want something, knowing that the parent is going to give in.

Is that what you want for your life?

[sachinky 465]

Eeek. This thread makes me want to rip my own arm off just so that I have something to throw at the screen.

I mean this in the nicest and kindest way possible, grow a pair.

[TBoneTX 45,029]

Are you sure your wife really love and care about you to care enough about your both future and marriage? Coz it seems like she's not. As what you posted, seems like your wife only care about her self and family in Philippines, and never have concern about you at all. Maybe for her your just a provider of her shelter while she's here in the US working, saving and sending her own money to her family. And then she was calling you cheap coz your not giving her any money so she can send it to Philippines

This is what people have been trying to say. This is not love, or respect, or mutual ANYTHING. It's one-way immature narcissism. This is not a MARRIAGE in the remotest sense of the word. It IS no way for anyone with an ounce of self-respect to spend his life.

The only boon to this situation is that Wifey is not single and out in the nightclubs, inflicting herself on marriage-minded men who are already so fed up with that sort of behavior that they'd run and beg to be committed to the insane asylum for just a dose of reality. Fortunately for every other man, Wifey is YOURS, and yours alone.

Kudos also to the posts just above from Trillium & Sachinky, two babes worth listening to because they have their heads screwed on VERY straight.

Edited to ask: OP, do you know the meaning of "pu$$y-whipped"?

Edited June 30, 2010 by TBoneTX

[newlyweds 0]

the thing is in the Philippines, it is as a lot of the posts said, it's quite common for the filipinoes to send money back home, especially when you are in the US. It's like everybody wants to be blessed with you have been blessed with you know. If you don't give anything, they will then think that you are greedy, had already forgotten where you came from, blah blah.. stuff like that.

I come from a well-to-do family, and the only money we send every month is for the church building which is actually my husband's idea. I am the more "kuripot" actually lol. I am not working yet and i let my relatives know that. In my part it's the relatives asking or the neighbors rather than my actual family. My parents are doing rather well are actually the ones burdened with so many filipino people asking a piece of your hard-earned money.

Anyway, it's awful though that this has been inculcated in the society's minds, I actually want to visit but I know when I do, I have relatives asking me for pasalubong, and mind you they don't expect the cheap ones, filipinos when you come from another country, oh they expect it's so easy to buy a $100 gift for anyone.. It drives me crazy and i'm the filipina wife lol.

I am actually sometimes ashamed at my husband because for now I am not working yet, and here comes these people who are trying to contact me to ask for donation. It's embarrassing, but when it comes to my family, he's the one who offers to get something which I am rather appreciative of considering he's too generous.

But yes, one cannot deny that filipinos actually kind of compete who sends more, something like that.. I know it's actually too sad. And what's worse too is that the easier they can contact you, the more harrassment you get lol.. You'll get people writing on your facebook wall asking for money.. it's embarrassing to the USC husband,and even worse to the inlaws!..

Oh I so wish the Philippines will stop having this mentality to keep asking money. WE may have $$ but we also spend $$ and everything is 2x as expensive than in PI

[John&Juvy 36]

Edited :

Are you sure your wife really love and care about you to care enough about your both future and marriage? Coz it seems like she's not. As what you posted, seems like your wife only care about her self and family in Philippines, and never have concern about you at all. Maybe for her your just a provider of her shelter while she's here in the US working, saving and sending her own money to her family. And then she was calling you cheap coz your not giving her any money so she can send it to Philippines, but you are asking her instead to share some of her money that making for the household . Lol I hope that's not the deal.

Anyway... does your wife know how much you making and how much you guys bills paying every month? Beacause the first time I saw my husband paying our bills online and writing checks for those bills I was in shocked lol. I was only thought my husband have nice job and making good money... and life was great lol. Then I found out that almost 70% of those income goes to our monthly bills lol. Then I realized, life is not that easy that I thought . But hey life still good with us and happy, and I am thankful about that. Atleast I also realized that I wanna help my husband even he didn't asked and say anything about it. I am finally working full time now, and pay checks go straight to our savings... then probably once in a while I keep the 1/4 of it in my account when I wanna buy something then thats it .

Marriage is not easy... To keep the love and happiness of it both of you need to work on it, THAT if there is a real LOVE that really beggin with from both of you.... IMO, If theres's no love... Then no respect and care too. Damn love...

[trinket 30]

To OP its very simple, you don't know the very fact about how much your wife earns. You really think thats how marriages work? There are couple who do keep their finances separate but I bet almost all of them do know how much the other person is earning given its a marriage of mutual respect and both husband and wife are working towards the same goal.

[Gilles 4]

To OP its very simple, you don't know the very fact about how much your wife earns. You really think thats how marriages work? There are couple who do keep their finances separate but I bet almost all of them do know how much the other person is earning given its a marriage of mutual respect and both husband and wife are working towards the same goal.

I know approximately how much my wife earns. Not exactly, but close enough. I've asked her to show me her paystubs, but she refuses. And she knows how much I earn and what percentage of my income goes towards bills. My wife refuses to accept that I don't have a huge stash of cash lying around. She seems to think because I have a relatively high annual salary, that I must have a lot of money left over. But after deductions, 401K, taxes, and bills, there is very little left over. I've told her but she refuses to accept it.

[Susita 175]

Uhm

My husband comes from a country where many go abroad and work to send money back home. However, we have a family of our own, bills to pay and kids to take care of. He would never even think about sending money home on a regular basis.

Gifts, yes. We usually send a card through the USPS, and a money order as a gift because by the time we buy something and pay to ship it over there, we're spending double or triple at that point.

I think if your wife is ready to end it over something so trivial, then you need to contemplate whether or not this is the type of relationship you want.

In any case, I wish you luck & hope you both can work it out somehow.

[Armenia 18]

@ GIlles:

It's been over 6 months since your first post and you and your wife still haven't settled your differences (albeit now you have a "modified" problem since she's already working)? Do what must be done and not what you WANT to do or feel comfortable doing. You're coming off as bad as your wife when you have to ask for advice for every bit of action that you have to do. You're a lot like some people who enjoy complaining but aren't willing to do anything SIGNIFICANT about what they're complaining about. Saying that you're a "nice guy, wants to please, etc. etc." as an excuse for your lack of/inadequate action is not a valid excuse. It amazes me that other people in this forum are so patient in repeating (over and over and over and over again) their advices to you when "talking" to you is like talking to a wall. You keep whining about the same things over and over again.

Edited July 1, 2010 by Armenia

[TBoneTX 45,029]

she refuses. [...] My wife refuses [...] she refuses.

As stated many, many, many pages ago, I would long, long, long ago have shipped her sorry hindquarters back to the Philippines on the first available one-way flight -- or tramp steamer -- and so would most of your respondents here, including the women. As sachinky said recently above, grow a pair.

[Laser1 63]

Giles, you can try this to bring this situation under control. I think it should work:

1) Ask her how much she now sends her family each month.

2) Propose to her that YOU send exactly that amount of money to her family each month, no more, AND that her pay goes towards the bills. She will probably agree to that.

3) When she starts working full-time, do not allow her to send the extra money there. The extra money can go towards house things and things your wife wants. Just not her family.

That should help dispel her belief that you are cheap, and bring the amount that is sent to her family under control.

[milimelo 4,465]

Giles, you can try this to bring this situation under control. I think it should work:

1) Ask her how much she now sends her family each month.

2) Propose to her that YOU send exactly that amount of money to her family each month, no more, AND that her pay goes towards the bills. She will probably agree to that.

3) When she starts working full-time, do not allow her to send the extra money there. The extra money can go towards house things and things your wife wants. Just not her family.

That should help dispel her belief that you are cheap, and bring the amount that is sent to her family under control.

And how do you know she won't be sending even more money behind his back instead of paying bills? Nice try, but unless you're willing to be with her 24/7, no way to be certain she won't use the bills money to send to PI.

[Laser1 63]

And how do you know she won't be sending even more money behind his back instead of paying bills? Nice try, but unless you're willing to be with her 24/7, no way to be certain she won't use the bills money to send to PI.

If he sends the money that she currently sends, he would have established dialog and good-will with her family. Thus he would have more control over that.