Financial support to my wife's family in the Philippines

[Gilles 4]

Give her a one way ticket back to her parents' house in the Philippines. If she asks when she'll return reply, "When you learn to appreciate what you have here and want to act like an adult and partner."

I forgot to mention that she now has an offer for a full time job. Her income from that would really help us both out, but she's insisting that she keep it all for herself. The threat of her losing that job because she doesn't have transportation I am hoping will knock some sense into her. I just don't want to send her back to the Philippines.

[Married2009 32]

If she's acting like a spoiled child then treat her like a spoiled child.

Stop reacting to her and don't give her what she's trying to get.

Exactly what I was thinking! If you keep giving in, things will never get better. She is acting spoiled - wants what others have/had, without helping toward it. She does not want a relationship built on mutual respect - she wants it all her way. That is not mutual respect.

Has her behavior alienated the friends you had before you married her? I used to have a friend that I enjoyed spending time with, but her son was spoiled, undisiplined, and uncontrollable. Being around her went from enjoyable, to embarrassing to just plain tedious. See the similarity?

You need to do some research on 'tough love', 'enabling' and 'co-dependancy'. You are not doing her any favors, you are actually helping her continue in this behavior. And (to put it in children's terms) if you keep giving in to her temper tantrums, they will get worse, and last longer each and every time she has to throw one to get her way. If you start standing firm, and don't give in, after a while (like a baby) she will wear herself out crying, and learn it doesn't do any good.

I probably won't read anymore of this, since you seem to be trying to justify your response to her behavior, and don't listen to anything that is said. Good luck - you will need it.

Edited June 23, 2010 by Married2009

[Married2009 32]

I forgot to mention that she now has an offer for a full time job. Her income from that would really help us both out, but she's insisting that she keep it all for herself. The threat of her losing that job because she doesn't have transportation I am hoping will knock some sense into her. I just don't want to send her back to the Philippines.

As to the money, let her send most of it to her family - but don't give her any spending money, and don't contribute to the money sent either.

[Laser1 63]

It sounds like her getting a full-time job could improve your situation. She would have less time for spending money, and she could better learn the value of money.

[Gilles 4]

As to the money, let her send most of it to her family - but don't give her any spending money, and don't contribute to the money sent either.

I've thought about doing this and asking her to simply contribute by paying for groceries and to pitch in a small amount for insurance. But she has shown she won't manage her money properly and she'll not only send it all, she will then come begging to me to ask for more. But more importantly, I am trying to show to her that we need to tend to our needs first. And if I let her do what she wants with her money instead of putting it away for the future, there won't be enough around when we need to do something like have children or pay for a trip to the Philippines.

It sounds like her getting a full-time job could improve your situation. She would have less time for spending money, and she could better learn the value of money.

From what she's shown, it will only make things worse. She'll send everything she makes to her family and will have nothing left over. Then when she wants something that she should be paying for (example, sending goods to her family), she'll ask me to pay.

[Laser1 63]

From what she's shown, it will only make things worse. She'll send everything she makes to her family and will have nothing left over. Then when she wants something that she should be paying for (example, sending goods to her family), she'll ask me to pay.

It would be quite fair to say "No" in that circumstance, and to be firm in it. Then that would be treating her as an adult, not as a child.

[trillium13 84]

What are you getting from this relationship Giles, that you don't want to take the advice of anyone here, and continue to let your wife treat you like a tool and a doormat?

It won't be too long before people stop responding here, I think.

You know what they say about the definition of insanity, right?

[TBoneTX 45,580]

Give her a one way ticket back to her parents' house in the Philippines. If she asks when she'll return reply, "When you learn to appreciate what you have here and want to act like an adult and partner."

How often over the last 13 pages has this comment or one like it been offered? OP, at this point, either be proactive or quit beefing.

[Gilles 4]

How often over the last 13 pages has this comment or one like it been offered? OP, at this point, either be proactive or quit beefing.

I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. How would you feel about sending someone you love back to the Philippines on a one way ticket?

If we got married strictly for immigration purposes and there were no emotionally feelings involved, then I agree that this would be a no-brainer.

Edited June 24, 2010 by Gilles

[Laveau 67]

I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. How would you feel about sending someone you love back to the Philippines on a one way ticket?

If we got married strictly for immigration purposes and there were no emotionally feelings involved, then I agree that this would be a no-brainer.

I understand how you feel. I was in a similar situation with a live-in bf from Peru. Your wife sounds a lot like the female Filipina version. Being in love with such people is like having your head shoved far far far up your azz. I hope your situation improves or you get your head out. Sucks but live and learn.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. How would you feel about sending someone you love back to the Philippines on a one way ticket?

If we got married strictly for immigration purposes and there were no emotionally feelings involved, then I agree that this would be a no-brainer.

If the feelings are strong and true going both ways then taking a stern approach will not destroy the marriage.

[Laser1 63]

One question I have not seen addressed here is: how is the money that she sends to her parents being spent? Is it going to thing that you would normally support? Her spending there could be more manageable and satisfying to you if you insist on approving their projects as a couple.

Edited June 24, 2010 by Laser Lou

[Darnell 8,478]

What are you getting from this relationship Giles, that you don't want to take the advice of anyone here, and continue to let your wife treat you like a tool and a doormat?

It won't be too long before people stop responding here, I think.

You know what they say about the definition of insanity, right?

This is a long thread, with active OP participation.

Suggest to OP to get out to a church, talk with a minister, about all this stuff.

Just you. Go.

First post was 15 December 2009 and you still not have a working resolution - all has been reactionary.

One question I have not seen addressed here is: how is the money that she sends to her parents being spent? Is it going to thing that you would normally support? Her spending there could be more manageable and satisfying to you if you insist on approving their projects as a couple.

Have you had a chance to review this ? --> http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/228838-my-beautiful-wife-is-very-irresponsible/page__st__75__p__3498431#entry3498431

IMO - tis the definitive 'game plan' for not only financial planning, but tough love on the family, as well.

Edited June 25, 2010 by Darnell

[Gilles 4]

This is a long thread, with active OP participation.

Suggest to OP to get out to a church, talk with a minister, about all this stuff.

Just you. Go.

First post was 15 December 2009 and you still not have a working resolution - all has been reactionary.

Have you had a chance to review this ? --> http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/228838-my-beautiful-wife-is-very-irresponsible/page__st__75__p__3498431#entry3498431

IMO - tis the definitive 'game plan' for not only financial planning, but tough love on the family, as well.

Darnell,

Very interesting post and not something I am unfamiliar with.

The wife is now working and is sending perhaps 50% of her income to her family in the Philippines. She won't tell me exactly how much, but I suspect it's about 50% of what she's making. In part because she hasn't helped out with the finances and because she manipulated me into sending large amounts to her family, I am operating on a very tight budget. And now she is working, yet she continues to not help out with bills and insists that I "hate" her family because "I haven't sent them money" - even though I have. Additionally, she expects me to pay for certain expenses (sending goods to her family, recharging her calling card, her auto expenses) when she now has the money to take care of these things herself. She's doing things like sending things I gave her as Christmas or birthday gifts to her family and is expecting me to replace these items with cash I can't justify spending. We need my wife's income to help take care of our needs first and then if there is money left over, I have no problem giving some to her family - but not all of what is left over. I am at my wits end, as all I can tell the wife is that I have no money to spare. And then I have to listen to her spew lies by telling me I hate her family and that I am cheap.

I've tried to get her to agree to setting up a joint account for joint expenses, but she won't go for that.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Well, if you won't put her on a plane back to the PH then tell her you want a divorce and she needs to move out of YOUR house ASAP so you can rent to a room mate (or two depending on the size of the house) as you have been financially ruined as a result of being married to a selfish child.

Seriously, if you won't stand-up for yourself then you deserve to be treated however she pleases.