Financial support to my wife's family in the Philippines

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I did turn it off for a couple days thinking she would come around. But instead of going to counseling with me, she made things unbelievably miserable around the house. As it was imperative that I restore a reasonable amount of peace and order, I restored her access to the computer.

I know she wants things to work and is proud to have me as a husband. She just doesn't know how to go about getting the things she wants. I try to teach her, but she doesn't learn and keeps making the same mistakes.

The more I read the more I think your wife is like my MIL, she's a narcissist. As long as she gets her way all is well. If not she raises hell. She only does things if they benefit her. She doesn't care about other people unless it helps her. Look it up online, from your posts it certainly appears that way. You can't change a narcissist, it's a mental disorder type thing... you either learn to live with it, or get out. My husband and I have removed ourselves from his mothers influence and do not deal with her anymore. Apparently she's making life around the family home hell. FIL is not permitted to mention Tony's name, and he couldn't spend time with US for his faux fathers day (he will be away over the actual fathers day) because she was not impressed and living with her would have been worse.

Thank god Tony's not like her, I couldn't live like that. And I guarantee if she IS a narcissist it's going to get worse. The more people let MIL do what she wanted to save the hassle, the worse it got and now she's completely uncontrollable and FIL is a second class citizen in his own home.

[trillium13 84]

I did turn it off for a couple days thinking she would come around. But instead of going to counseling with me, she made things unbelievably miserable around the house. As it was imperative that I restore a reasonable amount of peace and order, I restored her access to the computer.

I know she wants things to work and is proud to have me as a husband. She just doesn't know how to go about getting the things she wants. I try to teach her, but she doesn't learn and keeps making the same mistakes.

Sounds to me like she's very good at getting what she wants from you. She acts a fool, and you give in. Seems to me like she is the one training you.

I'm really not trying to be nasty but that's the way it looks from what you're posting.

[TBoneTX 45,029]

Seems to me like she is the one training you. I'm really not trying to be nasty but that's the way it looks from what you're posting.

Si, man (sigh, man).

[Gilles 4]

Sounds to me like she's very good at getting what she wants from you. She acts a fool, and you give in. Seems to me like she is the one training you.

I'm really not trying to be nasty but that's the way it looks from what you're posting.

I'm too much of a "nice guy", am too eager to please and want to maintain a peaceful environment. That's why I give in. I know I need to be more tough. Can you elaborate when you say, "She acts a fool"?

[trillium13 84]

Can you elaborate when you say, "She acts a fool"?

These are all directly quoted from your posts, and I didn't even go through all of them. They are your words only.

If I give in, we'll be in financial ruins and if I don't, my wife raises a stink about it.

I've asked her to go to work, but she insists that there are no jobs out there.

Without mentioning the amounts, she had earlier gone on a crying fit when I said our budget would only allow us to send about 1/5 of what she was hoping to send. Then a few days later, I reiterated that it would be that 1/5 amount. She then said we should just send them nothing and then said our marriage was doomed, that I was stingy, didn't care about her family and threatened to move out.

She doesn't even have her drivers license (only has a learning permit) and has threatened to drive one of our cars around.

I do think she ruled out most potential mates because they wouldn't have been able to send money to her family.

Another thing I'd like to add is sometimes my wife engages in behavior that is unacceptable. I'd prefer to not go into details, but it's things that I ask her to stop, but she continues doing.

She has refused to go to counseling to the point I have had to take away "privileges" until she goes.

I've given her above $500 spending money, yet she has continuously called me cheap for not sending money to her family. I've told her she needs to contribute to the budget, but she feels that's my job and that all her money is hers to send back to her family.

I did turn it off for a couple days thinking she would come around. But instead of going to counseling with me, she made things unbelievably miserable around the house.

'Nuff said.

[pixie77 2]

I am Filipina, and my family in the Philippines is not part of our budget except my daughter.

The money that you are sending right now is far better than if she was in the Philippines, so why is she complaining. I'm sure that until she met you, they were probably living on a regular daily income, but now they're getting extra, shouldnt she be happy with that.

I'd rather be called stingy than be in financial ruins. Tell her you'll send her home, that will probably make her think.

I hope your situation improves!!...Goodluck!

[Laser1 63]

You can probably motivate her to attend counseling with you with a deal. Agree to send extra money to her family in exchange for that.

Edited June 21, 2010 by Laser Lou

[TBoneTX 45,029]

You can probably motivate her to attend counseling with you with a deal. Agree to send extra money to her family in exchange for that.

NO.

[trillium13 84]

NO.

Dear FSM NO.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

If she's acting like a spoiled child then treat her like a spoiled child.

Stop reacting to her and don't give her what she's trying to get.

[Laser1 63]

Whether a deal involves a little money, or something else she wants, my point is that if you want her to attend counseling sessions with you, agreeing to do something adequate in return would work well with most people. Punishment would usually not work well.

[TBoneTX 45,029]

Whether a deal involves a little money, or something else she wants, my point is that if you want her to attend counseling sessions with you, agreeing to do something adequate in return would work well with most people. Punishment would usually not work well.

"Most people" are not self-centered, spoiled narcissists. The OP needs backbone, not more cratering.

[Gilles 4]

She's been working part time for about three months, but has contributed very little to the household budget. She's bought a few small items on a couple of occasions - household supplies, groceries, etc. But probably 90% of the money she's earned, she's sent back to the Philippines. Now she wants me to pay for a couple Balikbayan (sp?) boxes to be shipped and I told her she should pay for that with her income. I ask her if she has any money from her job to pay for the shipment and she says no. So she calls me stingy.

She constantly complains because she doesn't have the kind of car my first wife had (my first wife worked full time from about the time we got married). Also, my financial situation was quite a bit different then. I had told her she would have to chip in for her portion of the auto insurance after she started working, but I let that slide. So after repeatedly asking her nicely to stop pestering me about my first wife, I told her that I would cut off her insurance if she did that again. Well, she did. But she said she would just drive anyway - without insurance. So I cut off the insurance and took the keys to the car. I hate having to treat her like a child, but if she behaves like one, I have no choice. Will this get her to go into counseling? I don't know. Will this wake her up that she needs to contribute to the budget? I don't know. If she throws a fit, which is what I expect, what should I do?

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

If she throws a fit, which is what I expect, what should I do?

Give her a one way ticket back to her parents' house in the Philippines. If she asks when she'll return reply, "When you learn to appreciate what you have here and want to act like an adult and partner."

[milimelo 4,465]

Give her a one way ticket back to her parents' house in the Philippines. If she asks when she'll return reply, "When you learn to appreciate what you have here and want to act like an adult and partner."

+1 on this, maybe that will teach her.