Financial support to my wife's family in the Philippines

[VanessaTony 3,567]

From everything I'm reading (which took a while I must say to read it all!) it appears that you have a "parent/child" relationship with your wife.

A rough analysis of your relationship with you wife (based strictly on your posts):

- your communication is basically non-existent

- your happiness means nothing to her

- you are expected to provide for her and she is to be a woman of leisure

- if she steps "out of line" you tell her mummy and daddy or find ways to punish her

I think you need to ask yourself what you want from a relationship.

- Do you want your wife to be your partner in life, mutual respect and love... or simply someone you know that lives with you and you may or may not have sex with occasionally?

- Do you want to respect your partner and have them respect you?

- Do you want to know that if you get ill and unable to work that your partner will do anything and everything to help out?

A true partnership is one of mutual respect and love. I know if my husband was unable to work I would work my butt off to make sure we were okay, and to make sure he didn't worry. I respect my husbands opinion and I would never do anything to disrespect him in public, or embarrass him, just as he wouldn't me. I look forward to him getting home from work. I feel bad that I can't work right now but he goes out of his way to make sure I'm happy and makes sure I don't stress too much about money. Personally I want my husband to be my best friend. I want to be happy to see him every day and him me.

Everything I read about your relationship seems, like I said, a parent/child relationship. She doesn't care what you have to say or what you think. She becomes moody and expects you to make her happy, no matter the cost. She doesn't understand and doesn't CARE to understand how your budget works (which says to me the relationship is irrelevant to her, she doesn't care HOW it works but you need to MAKE it work). Rather than feel you can talk to her rationally and explain things (like her behaviour) you're thinking about ways to punish her, or get her into trouble so she'll "step back into line".

I'm sorry but I do not think this relationship is based on love.. not from everything i've read and i truly believe that everyone deserves to be loved. I'm not sure if your wife cares about being loved so much as cares about money and it's a shame but there are people out there like that (in EVERY culture!) where money is more important but it appears that you (the OP) DO care about being loved and respected. I think it's time to really sit down and think if this relationship is for you.

As side note... remember you signed and submitted and I-864. If she does not return to the Philippines then you will be required to ensure she doesn't become dependant on the state (unless she works 40 quarters) and she can remove conditions herself if you divorce (and you still need to support her) and she can prove a valid relationship. Even divorce does not end this obligation. It sounds like she's the type where if you told her that you want to divorce her and here's her "settlement" and you'll pay for her flight home that she'll go. It will give her a chance to get re-married again and find another "rich American".

Best of luck.

Edited March 1, 2010 by Vanessa&Tony

[Gilles 4]

I'm no expert but professional marriage counseling seems your only alternative short of divorce. Your situation sounds untenable if she ignores your concerns and refuses to discuss them like an adult.

She has refused to go to counseling to the point I have had to take away "privileges" until she goes. I'm trying to find a way to let her know I'm serious.

[Gilles 4]

If I'm understanding things correctly, you have very little to no communicative relationship with your wife beyond giving her money or restricting her spending. Seems like a pretty unhappy and rather untenable situation. I hope you figure things out.

There's actually quite a bit of communication and we have a lot of interests in common. In here I have chosen to highlight the issues surrounding the fact she's trying to drain us financially rather than the issues of things we have in common and/or the good times we have together.

[TBoneTX 45,029]

She has refused to go to counseling

Good grief. I would have shipped her sorry hindquarters out long, long ago. with zero regret. Dude, is this really the way that you want to spend the rest of your days? Edited April 21, 2010 by TBoneTX

[Gilles 4]

Update. She still doesn't understand - after my repeatedly telling her - that our needs come first and once our entire expenses have been covered, then and only then can we send money to her family. She has now been working part time for about two months (she's probably made about $500 per month) and hasn't contributed one dime to our household budget. And during that time, I've given her above $500 spending money, yet she has continuously called me cheap for not sending money to her family. I've told her she needs to contribute to the budget, but she feels that's my job and that all her money is hers to send back to her family. And to top that, she insists I should continue to give her spending money. I've suggested to her that if she doesn't have spending money that perhaps her employer hasn't been paying her, so I've hinted to her I'm going to call her employer to ensure she indeed has gotten paid. She gets furious when I say that, saying she'll quit her job if I call her employer. Since she isn't contributing to the budget, the only thing I can think of is to stop paying for groceries.

I tried to get her to go into counseling by saying I'd turn off her access to the computer unless she would go, but that didn't work.

[TBoneTX 45,029]

Thanks for the update. If she won't go to marital counseling, then perhaps she'll go back to her country where she can support her family full-time, without the distraction of a husband or a new life in America.

[Usui Takumi 1,562]

Have you thought about a divorce yet?

[trillium13 84]

It certainly sounds like you're being used/played. I guess you need to decide if this is the relationship you would want for the rest of your life.

Divorce sucks. But it is well worth it, when you find the relationship that really fits. Good luck to you!

[Gilles 4]

From everything I'm reading (which took a while I must say to read it all!) it appears that you have a "parent/child" relationship with your wife.

A rough analysis of your relationship with you wife (based strictly on your posts):

- your communication is basically non-existent

- your happiness means nothing to her

- you are expected to provide for her and she is to be a woman of leisure

- if she steps "out of line" you tell her mummy and daddy or find ways to punish her

I think you need to ask yourself what you want from a relationship.

- Do you want your wife to be your partner in life, mutual respect and love... or simply someone you know that lives with you and you may or may not have sex with occasionally?

- Do you want to respect your partner and have them respect you?

- Do you want to know that if you get ill and unable to work that your partner will do anything and everything to help out?

A true partnership is one of mutual respect and love. I know if my husband was unable to work I would work my butt off to make sure we were okay, and to make sure he didn't worry. I respect my husbands opinion and I would never do anything to disrespect him in public, or embarrass him, just as he wouldn't me. I look forward to him getting home from work. I feel bad that I can't work right now but he goes out of his way to make sure I'm happy and makes sure I don't stress too much about money. Personally I want my husband to be my best friend. I want to be happy to see him every day and him me.

Everything I read about your relationship seems, like I said, a parent/child relationship. She doesn't care what you have to say or what you think. She becomes moody and expects you to make her happy, no matter the cost. She doesn't understand and doesn't CARE to understand how your budget works (which says to me the relationship is irrelevant to her, she doesn't care HOW it works but you need to MAKE it work). Rather than feel you can talk to her rationally and explain things (like her behaviour) you're thinking about ways to punish her, or get her into trouble so she'll "step back into line".

I'm sorry but I do not think this relationship is based on love.. not from everything i've read and i truly believe that everyone deserves to be loved. I'm not sure if your wife cares about being loved so much as cares about money and it's a shame but there are people out there like that (in EVERY culture!) where money is more important but it appears that you (the OP) DO care about being loved and respected. I think it's time to really sit down and think if this relationship is for you.

As side note... remember you signed and submitted and I-864. If she does not return to the Philippines then you will be required to ensure she doesn't become dependant on the state (unless she works 40 quarters) and she can remove conditions herself if you divorce (and you still need to support her) and she can prove a valid relationship. Even divorce does not end this obligation. It sounds like she's the type where if you told her that you want to divorce her and here's her "settlement" and you'll pay for her flight home that she'll go. It will give her a chance to get re-married again and find another "rich American".

Best of luck.

She wants a relationship based on trust & respect and doesn't want us to part ways. And I feel the same. She simply has these backwards ideas that I should provide her with all of her spending money, that I should send lots of money to her family and that I should pay all the bills - while she gets to do whatever she pleases with her earnings. That type of attitude towards finances is unacceptable and disrespectful to me and I've let her know.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Wow, my wife is actually angry that she can't work rigth now (due to the daily needs of our little guy).

When she does start working here i ho we've agreed to handle the common expenses.

We'll figure what percentage of the total take-home (net) income we each make. and we will cover that percentage of the common bills which will include a joint savings goal. whatever we have after that is each person's descretionary income.

For example say my take-home is $50,000 and hers is $25,000 that would make our income 67% me and 33% her. Now let's say our monthly bill are $2,000 that would result in my contribution of $1,340 and she would contribute $660.

Until she is able to work, I just cover all of the expenses (I wish it was only $2,000 per month) and we each get a few hundred dollars as monthly allowance.

[ivyvid 1]

She wants a relationship based on trust & respect and doesn't want us to part ways. And I feel the same. She simply has these backwards ideas that I should provide her with all of her spending money, that I should send lots of money to her family and that I should pay all the bills - while she gets to do whatever she pleases with her earnings. That type of attitude towards finances is unacceptable and disrespectful to me and I've let her know.

Hi! I know that you really love her and you want to stay with her. If she really wants a relationship based on trust and respect then she should listen to you as how you listen to her. Marriage is a mutual relationship, both should give and take. It takes two to tango as they say. Praying will help.Let her understand what marriage is all about. And what will happen if you guys will have a child if right now she's being hard headed. Talk to her family too on what's happening. I hope and pray things will work out .n_n.

[chingwing 0]

You married a wrong filipina that's all I can say about her. I'm also from the Philippines and devoted on helping out my family when I was single but now that I'm married I let my family stand on their own feet. I marry for LOVE and NOT for money so ask your wife which of these to things she marry you for.

[DaveTX 2]

She wants a relationship based on trust & respect and doesn't want us to part ways. And I feel the same. She simply has these backwards ideas that I should provide her with all of her spending money, that I should send lots of money to her family and that I should pay all the bills - while she gets to do whatever she pleases with her earnings. That type of attitude towards finances is unacceptable and disrespectful to me and I've let her know.

Say != Do

I really don't see that you have any options other than divorce. You can make an ultimatum, if you are prepared to follow through, counseling or divorce but if she really has the maturity of a child then she'll just dig in anyway.

Her ideas of your roles in marriage and your ideas are fundamentally incompatible. There is no way around that or any possibility that they can coexist peacefully.

[Tahoma 2,292]

I tried to get her to go into counseling by saying I'd turn off her access to the computer unless she would go, but that didn't work.

What do you mean by saying "but that didn't work?" Did you actually turn off her computer access? Is it still off? Or, did you threaten to turn it off and then back down when she wouldn't change?

[Gilles 4]

What do you mean by saying "but that didn't work?" Did you actually turn off her computer access? Is it still off? Or, did you threaten to turn it off and then back down when she wouldn't change?

I did turn it off for a couple days thinking she would come around. But instead of going to counseling with me, she made things unbelievably miserable around the house. As it was imperative that I restore a reasonable amount of peace and order, I restored her access to the computer.

I know she wants things to work and is proud to have me as a husband. She just doesn't know how to go about getting the things she wants. I try to teach her, but she doesn't learn and keeps making the same mistakes.