Financial support to my wife's family in the Philippines

[DaveTX 2]

I've gotten a mixed bag of responses here. Some say administering consequences works and others say it's best to "walk on eggshells" - essentially giving her what she wants to keep her behavior in line. But what if what she asks for to keep her behavior in line is way too unreasonable? e.g. She engages in unacceptable behavior, you ask her to stop, she gets angry with you for asking her to stop, so the next time, you just give her more spending money or send more money to her family. IMO, that will escalate the problem until you're broke. Some have said threatening to cut off support to her family or reducing the amount of discretionary cash I give her should fix the problem.

I've tried to have heart to heart discussions with her, but it becomes one-sided, thus accomplishing nothing. Then what is the best course of action if she refuses to accept her actions are having a negative impact on the relationship, she doesn't care about the consequences or she doesn't listen when I try to have a two way discussion about the issue?

I'm no expert but professional marriage counseling seems your only alternative short of divorce. Your situation sounds untenable if she ignores your concerns and refuses to discuss them like an adult.

[britbird 4]

If I'm understanding things correctly, you have very little to no communicative relationship with your wife beyond giving her money or restricting her spending. Seems like a pretty unhappy and rather untenable situation. I hope you figure things out.

[TBoneTX 45,583]

These last two responses are on target, but far too diplomatic. I'd send her back to the Philippines on the next flight out.

[sachinky 465]

I'm with TBone on this.

[sara..... 371]

I also agree with Tbone on this ......if u have to pay someone to be good there is no relationship other than ur the atm machine....i dont mean to sound rude or unfeeling but this is something i have seen parents try to do with their way ward teenagers didnt work out for them either

sara

[kev_n_jena 89]

Ok, I have a couple questions and suggestions.

1.) Do you and your wife have any Filipino friends here in the states? Especially older friends. If not, why not? If you do, have you ever considered talking to them about your situation face to face with your wife?

2.) Do the two of you attend church together? Did she attend church in Phils? A priest might have some suggestions and she might respect his opinion even more than yours. A Filipino priest would be even better since he can understand her side of things too.

3.) Yes, I would talk to her family. Not to get her in trouble or make her feel bad, but to explain your situation and ask for their help.

Kevin

[Laser1 63]

It sounds like she is going stir-crazy. Doing volunteer work might help her adjust to life here, and gain the confidence she needs to find a paying job.

Concerning money, it sounds like she misunderstand you, or you misunderstand her. Try explaining your position very simply, perhaps by using simple math, and listen very carefully to her. She may have a constructive solution in mind.

Edited January 26, 2010 by Laser Lou

[journey4life 0]

i did the smart thing i broke it off before going for visit after 2yrs of talks,,,just didnt want to take the chance of having this problem if i brought her here to usa.

[Nikita2Charles 32]

Your wife might be spending too much time at home, thinking too much, try to speak to the local priest, or a common friend, better yet, let her read this colum so she can see what other pinays have to say in this situation.

IT's like a baby, you get a lot of tantrum, the more you give in to it, the more it will happen, it wont be easy but time to put your foot down, let her know you love her but things can't continue at that rate. Even if she doesnt earn try go get her involved with some Charities, or take some online course while at home, Take her out if you can afford it, let her know how much you appreciate her, you appreciate her family but now the 2 of you are ONE. Her priority is her Immediate famly being with you.

Let say you run out of funds, will her family in the PI be able to support you after you send all your savings there?

Get her involve in the finances, have a share family account, and from that share family account both of you can decide how much you can afford based on your budget, your take home pay, don't count past savings, like keep draining your savings to send money to Pi.

Let her know everybody has their own problems, their own businesses, don't try to compare your family with the JONES, my mother always used to say don't worry about SOCIETY. Society doesn't put food on your table, do what is right in the eye of GOD, be fair to everybody and you will sleep like an angel a time without the worries of the world on your should knowing GOD HAS YOUR BACK.

Edited January 30, 2010 by Nikita2Charles

[Gilles 4]

This whole thing is completely absurd... did you agree to this "sending money to her family" before you got married??

No, I didn't agree to send any money to her family before we got married. She expects me to do it because she compares notes with her friends and has learned that their husbands send money back to their families in the Philippines.

Did you know about this aspect of their culture and what you were getting yourself into? Is she much younger than you?

Yes and Yes

What kind of a stupid arrangement is this and what in return did she offer to do for you for this "money being sent to her family" ??

What she offers is to "be happy" or to not get angry. In other words, she's emotionally blackmailing me so I'll agree to money being sent to her family.

Well now at least you know where her priorities lie... she came over because she's the familie's cash cow, and you're her ATM... it's the price you pay when you marry a young girl from a poor family... sad to say but sounds to me like some sort of form of prostitution...

Every man/woman relationship can be identified as a form of prostitution. Man is the provider and in exchange gets sex. Of all the relationships you know of, what percentage does the man do more of the providing than the woman? And of all the relationships you know of, what percentage does the man want sex more than the woman?

I don't get why guys/girls do this... marry someone in your league for pete's sake, then these types of ridiculous situations will not occur...

I think it's because people know they can let their guard down once they're in the door.

[Gilles 4]

I'm sorry to hear about that. Your wife has to realize that you are her husband and not her workhorse. If she wants to give more money to her family, then she must work for it.

She's unwilling to work. All she will do is fill out online applications and then doesn't follow up. I've gotten her names and phone numbers of contacts in the places she's applied to, but she thinks I should do the calling. I tell her it doesn't work that way. She says she'll look for work when she gets her driving license, but she refuses to take the bus anywhere.

I also understand that you also want to win your wife's good side and not call you "stingy" but then again, you must choose to be firm on your stand and tell her that she has to take care of you guys FIRST so you can take care of the rest of her family later. Don't budge.

Now she's pissed because I'm using some money to pay for a vacation for us. She wants us to not spend money on vacations and instead send it to her family or save it for children. I work hard and need a vacation from time to time. As the primary breadwinner, I think that's a legitimate need and it should take precedence over her sending the money to her family.

I hope your wife starts to realize that she has to work her butt off too, not just yours.

I hope so too.

[TBoneTX 45,583]

Pal, if we were face-to-face right now, I'd grab you by the collar and shake some sense into you: How can you ever compromise yourself like this? Use the vacation money (which, along with everything else and you, she disrespects) to divorce her a$$ and send her back to the Philippines on the next flight out. The NEXT flight!!!!! Trust someone who's been there -- you will feel on top of the world after you have done the foregoing. You have already admitted the emotional blackmail. Your triangulated analogy about "every man/woman relationship is a form of prostitution" is ridiculous and wimpy. Does that analogy excuse -- in any way -- her behaviors or actions? I, for one, couldn't fathom having sex with something (not someONE) like that spoiled ingrate. Send her back, one-way, on the next flight out... or tell us here that you've decided to put up with that behavior without further complaint -- ever again -- and that you're asking the moderators to close this thread.

Edited February 25, 2010 by TBoneTX

[TracyTN 237]

Man is the provider and in exchange gets sex.

Thank you, Mr. 1950s!

Women do work you know. And sometimes they actually make more than their husbands!! Shocking, I know, so I hope you were sitting down when you read this.

[udawoman 0]

My wife arrived earlier this year from the Philippines and we've gladly sent some money to her family on a few occasions. Now she wants to send amounts that don't fit comfortably into our budget. If I give in, we'll be in financial ruins and if I don't, my wife raises a stink about it. I see this as a serious problem. Has anyone had similar issues - and perhaps some good resolutions?

well,please try to look into your budget first. I and my husband have talked about this matter the day we first met, hmnn that was 6 years ago. My family is not his obligation and they doesn't expect anything from him either. Way back home, I was the bread winner when I was still single but I quit job last year so I try to make ends meet with whatever I have in my pocket. Budget everything. In my humble opinion, I won't ask my husband to send funds to my family if I know we are tight. I just hope your wife understands your situation,too. No offense meant. Thanks

[TBoneTX 45,583]

well,please try to look into your budget first. I and my husband have talked about this matter the day we first met, hmnn that was 6 years ago. My family is not his obligation and they doesn't expect anything from him either. Way back home, I was the bread winner when I was still single but I quit job last year so I try to make ends meet with whatever I have in my pocket. Budget everything. In my humble opinion, I won't ask my husband to send funds to my family if I know we are tight. I just hope your wife understands your situation,too. No offense meant. Thanks

Dear, did you even bother to read the entire thread before you replied? If not, why not?