When marriage on VJ fails...

[MRStee 19]

I wish i could claim the marriage just didn't work out. Don't you think it would be so much easier on my pride? I actually tried to end things and just say Hey they just did not work out. Despite all the lies and manipuation I went through. The emails I found between him and his brother discussing it.

Oh no, the universe or God as I choose to say it was not going to let me live in denial. My ex called the cops on me to claim he was afriad for his safety. Yet three weeks prior I told him he could go live iwth his brotheer in AZ or stay as a roomate. I wasn't even home when he called the cops. Or maybe he waited outside until I pulled up.

I see your point, but It has fallen on deaf ears with me.

Do you think it was easy to post my story on this forum. Absolutely not. Took me 6 weeks of healing and building my courage to come here. I have nothing to gain by sharing the tradgedy other then to help other woman who might feel confused and migt see the signs but can't put their finger on the answers.

Sorry for your pain!

[RANNK1 8]

FFS. Enlighten...this thread it NOT about you. At all. I don't know you, neither do I know what really happened to you, nor do I have a vested interest in your situation.

This thread is to talk about why most USCs claim the same ####### after divorcing a foreigner. It is offensive, and paints all foreigners as GC hungry people; which most of us are not.

Again, perhaps you would like to do something mature... like make this a chance of growth and move on, build a life for yourself and be happy. Bitterness generates only more bitterness.

Enlightened one: I want to let you know that your feels are ok and undersandable. I am engaged to a Nigerian too, and have heard of all the horror stories of white woman getting used by certain men from certain countries in the world for a freaking green card. The numbers are staggering. My own fiance told me that acquentances there asked him if he was using me for a GC and suggested that it was taking too long for the petition to go through so he should go look for a white Canadian or Australian instead. My fiance was so upset. I have met other people who have a relative or friend that was used for a green card. How do you know the difference between a regular failed marriage and one used for green card? Easy: The foriegn spouse will treat you very nice up until they get what they want- the green card or green card plus permanant residency. Then they will suddenly disappear one day- with no warning. The whole thing is an act. Often times, my African friends will tell me, they will get the white woman pregnant on purpose so that she will stay with him long enough for him to stay here legally after he leaves her.

I am so sorry that you were tricked and used in this way. I wish there was a better support system for you to talk to other woman who have been used for immigration. Based on the emails you found -- it looks to me like he did use you. I think I would fall apart if I was used like that. I would be so devastated. I am sorry you are not getting enough support here. I believe my fiance is a good man with good intentions.

All I can say is that you could try to report him. But put more effort on healing yourself and finding peace. YOu don't have to forgive him for what he did to you, but you can choose to not be eaten up by bitterness and anger. Allow yourself to vent a little while longer, then work on healing. YOu are going to get through this.

[Dise 1]

Interesting discussion

But I must say this......

For those who knew their spouse or fiance(e) fairly well before marriage..... It's called a "Leap of Faith"

For those who gets engaged/marry during their first (or second)time of meeting each other (online chats and calls excluded), after barely spending 3 days together (I'm not trying to judge anyone here)..... It's called "A Risk"

According to Robert Frost:

"“We took risks. We knew we took them. Things have come out against us. We have no cause for complaint.”

I rest my case!!!

[SuperDuper! 230]

Interesting discussion

But I must say this......

For those who knew their spouse or fiance(e) fairly well before marriage..... It's called a "Leap of Faith"

For those who gets engaged/marry during their first (or second)time of meeting each other (online chats and calls excluded), after barely spending 3 days together (I'm not trying to judge anyone here)..... It's called "A Risk"

According to Robert Frost:

"“We took risks. We knew we took them. Things have come out against us. We have no cause for complaint.”

I rest my case!!!

[DanielParul 50]

...why does the USC part of the equation routinely -not always- claims visa fraud? I find it pretty annoying and sometimes insulting.

Seriously folks. Marriages break up all the time. Marriage to a foreigner is no different than any other marriage.

To jump into this forum claiming fraud when the issues were everyday couple issues is the utmost expression of sour grapes.

Discuss.

I think it just seems easier to blame the failing of a marriage on the alien spouse claiming fraud instead of looking at the real issues that might have lead to it failing. Guess you can't do that when both are USCs and they have to deal with their part in the problem.

I also think that its a lot easier for alien spouses to claim abuse on their USC spouses if they don't want to put in the hard-work into the marriage.

Which one is worse than the other?

[SuperDuper! 230]

Interesting discussion

But I must say this......

For those who knew their spouse or fiance(e) fairly well before marriage..... It's called a "Leap of Faith"

For those who gets engaged/marry during their first (or second)time of meeting each other (online chats and calls excluded), after barely spending 3 days together (I'm not trying to judge anyone here)..... It's called "A Risk"

According to Robert Frost:

"“We took risks. We knew we took them. Things have come out against us. We have no cause for complaint.”

I rest my case!!!

Plus, its better to do a K1, and not be locked into a marriage when she steps off the plane.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

sister Paru... both are equally wrong. Claiming FRAUD or claiming ABUSE when the story is not true.

[MapleLeafBaby 1]

Whenever there is a union, and one partner has a gross advantage over the other, society is quick to point out that the other spouse had something to gain by the union.

I'm not saying this for every Country (cause I can think of many countries I would love to live in but in many third world countries and around the world, the US is viewed as the end all and be all of the world....'if I can make it to the US, I have succeeded' many people view the US as the Country of opportunity and riches, and many people with sacrifice anything to get here...i'n not saying that being a USC is a gross advantage, but it is unfortunate that many other countries see it this way.

It's the same when someone marries a millionaire, 'she married him for his money'

It's easier to place fault rather to lay blame on ourselves.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

OMG... I just remembered one of my uncles actually saying "this gringo is marrying Len for her inheritance" --- some folks actually took his azz seriously, #######.

[SuperDuper! 230]

[sachinky 465]

My thoughts on this topic, compiled from several relevant posts:

I think love and immigration together is a complicated mix. I'm sure plenty of people could cite specific cases where the relationship was 100% genuine. And has remained a viable, functioning one for at least 3-5 years after the immigration procedure is over. Now, SOMETIMES, it may not even last those few years but then one must honestly analyze the relationship and aswer these questions -- was it really just a scam to get a GC? Or could it be that you did not know your SO well enough? How much time did you really spend together? And I mean, in person, not through a computer screen separated by thousands of miles? How attuned are you to each other's needs and wants? Were the cultural adjustments and social differences too much for the immigrant from a more traditional country to make? How well do you communicate with one another? Too much stress for a new marriage to handle? Every few weeks or so we read about cases where the petitioner will claim fraud as soon as the marriage goes downhill. Of course, we don't have enough facts to judge, so while it may or may not be a case of fraud, he/she (the USC) must also recognize his/her own part in the process.

Here's the thing -- I'm sure most petitioners always have some underlying fear/insecurity that they were played for a GC. And when the marriage goes sour, it's easier to blame the disintegration on that suspicion than maybe trying to get at the real cause of it. Maybe you just didn't know the person well enough prior to getting hitched. Maybe their personality is completely different than what they portrayed to you online. Maybe the cultural differences and adjustments are too much for a new marriage to handle. However, I will say this for myself. I am by nature, an extremely careful, bordering on paranoid, person and I take things like status and being legal and not getting into trouble extremely seriously. If every fight I had with my husband ended in an angry threat, idle or not, that he was going to "ship me back to where I came from," I'm not sure how long we would last. It is an issue of power and control.

And yes, of course, there are several, well documented cases of USC spouses getting the good ol' heave-ho as soon as the GC arrives in the mail. So yes, fraud does happen. The high fraud countries exist for a reason. Now, if you have actual proof that it did occur, then it is up to you to decide how to use that information. If you truly feel grievously deceived, then take whatever action you must.

Do some serious introspection before jumping to conclusions. IMO, actually that introspection should have take place BEFORE the tying of the knot. Here's the problem with love: When you're in it, even an actual red flag looming in front of your eyes, can be ignored or quite easily be explained away. The more people -- whether family, friends or well-wishers -- try to "warn" you, the more determined and convinced one becomes of the validity/sincerity of one's relationship. "The world is against us, then this MUST be true love, right? No one understands our feelings!"

Especially if one has never lived together with their SO or not spent much time in person together, please peruse the K-1 route. It gives one an opportunity to figure out if it is the real deal.

In the end, take RESPONSIBILITY for your actions.

Edited November 22, 2009 by sachinky

[Dise 1]

Do some serious introspection before jumping to conclusions. IMO, actually that introspection should have take place BEFORE the tying of the knot...... Especially if one has never lived together with their SO or not spent much time in person together, please peruse the K-1 route. It gives one an opportunity to figure out if it is the real deal.

Brilliantly written piece!!!

"Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight."

-Georg C. Lichtenberg

Use the K1 wisely

[morocco4ever 63]

Do some serious introspection before jumping to conclusions. IMO, actually that introspection should have take place BEFORE the tying of the knot...... Especially if one has never lived together with their SO or not spent much time in person together, please peruse the K-1 route. It gives one an opportunity to figure out if it is the real deal.

Brilliantly written piece!!!

"Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight."

-Georg C. Lichtenberg

Use the K1 wisely

So the K1 is specifically for testing the waters?

[rika60607 215]

No, K1 is also for when you want to get married in the States and there is no other way your SO can come here.

However, some people decide to get married and they stay married no matter what (for religious reasons or whatnot). Others prefer to live together for some time before tying the knot. K1 visa allows 90 day tryout, even if that was not the original idea behind it.

So the K1 is specifically for testing the waters?

Calling fraud should be as hard as calling abuse. Can't show evidence? Don't say a word...

[Chica Yeyé 41]

My thoughts on this topic, compiled from several relevant posts:

I think love and immigration together is a complicated mix. I'm sure plenty of people could cite specific cases where the relationship was 100% genuine. And has remained a viable, functioning one for at least 3-5 years after the immigration procedure is over. Now, SOMETIMES, it may not even last those few years but then one must honestly analyze the relationship and aswer these questions -- was it really just a scam to get a GC? Or could it be that you did not know your SO well enough? How much time did you really spend together? And I mean, in person, not through a computer screen separated by thousands of miles? How attuned are you to each other's needs and wants? Were the cultural adjustments and social differences too much for the immigrant from a more traditional country to make? How well do you communicate with one another? Too much stress for a new marriage to handle? Every few weeks or so we read about cases where the petitioner will claim fraud as soon as the marriage goes downhill. Of course, we don't have enough facts to judge, so while it may or may not be a case of fraud, he/she (the USC) must also recognize his/her own part in the process.

Here's the thing -- I'm sure most petitioners always have some underlying fear/insecurity that they were played for a GC. And when the marriage goes sour, it's easier to blame the disintegration on that suspicion than maybe trying to get at the real cause of it. Maybe you just didn't know the person well enough prior to getting hitched. Maybe their personality is completely different than what they portrayed to you online. Maybe the cultural differences and adjustments are too much for a new marriage to handle. However, I will say this for myself. I am by nature, an extremely careful, bordering on paranoid, person and I take things like status and being legal and not getting into trouble extremely seriously. If every fight I had with my husband ended in an angry threat, idle or not, that he was going to "ship me back to where I came from," I'm not sure how long we would last. It is an issue of power and control.

And yes, of course, there are several, well documented cases of USC spouses getting the good ol' heave-ho as soon as the GC arrives in the mail. So yes, fraud does happen. The high fraud countries exist for a reason. Now, if you have actual proof that it did occur, then it is up to you to decide how to use that information. If you truly feel grievously deceived, then take whatever action you must.

Do some serious introspection before jumping to conclusions. IMO, actually that introspection should have take place BEFORE the tying of the knot. Here's the problem with love: When you're in it, even an actual red flag looming in front of your eyes, can be ignored or quite easily be explained away. The more people -- whether family, friends or well-wishers -- try to "warn" you, the more determined and convinced one becomes of the validity/sincerity of one's relationship. "The world is against us, then this MUST be true love, right? No one understands our feelings!"

Especially if one has never lived together with their SO or not spent much time in person together, please peruse the K-1 route. It gives one an opportunity to figure out if it is the real deal.

In the end, take RESPONSIBILITY for your actions.

Amazingly written post. :thyumbs: to sister sachinky.