When marriage on VJ fails...

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Len, you are a foreigner? Say what?? I thought you were the USC

I know, you can't tell from my awesome command of the English language

[Ellie-and-David 38]

sister Ellie, I agree. I feel terrible to know there are some aszwipes out there who actually lie their way through. Yeah, it does happen. But like you said, to then turn around and refer to us foreign spouses as discarded furniture is fcked up. and I am tired of hearing it over and over here.

If I was a piece of furniture I would be my tempur pedic bed because I know that, for as long as I lay claim to that particular piece of furniture (OH and believe me.....I HAVE) my husband would never divorce me.

I am planning to go on Jerry Springer...."MY HUSBAND LOVES HIS TEMPUR PEDIC BED MORE THAN ME"

Only a Slightly true story. But with a 20 year warranty....my guess is we wont be getting divorced for at least another 19 years.

Let the seriousness of this topic of discussion resume.

[Twisted K 2]

yeah, we know you are just that B)

[Twisted K 2]

i was actually just discussing this subject with my best friend this past week. i was telling her that my biggest fear is if my husband and i do decide to divorce (heaven forbid) then other people will insinuate that i was used for a green card, and it most likely wouldn't necessarily be the case. even though we know that not everyone has their "happily ever after". people divorce all the time, unfortunately it is more normal than not. it has nothing to do with the coveted green card, although, as shameful and disheartening as it is, it does happen. people are scammed for a lot of things. and then there are some people that should have never gotten married in the first place, thinking about my own parents.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

i was actually just discussing this subject with my best friend this past week. i was telling her that my biggest fear is if my husband and i do decide to divorce (heaven forbid) then other people will insinuate that i was used for a green card, and it most likely wouldn't necessarily be the case. even though we know that not everyone has their "happily ever after". people divorce all the time, unfortunately it is more normal than not. it has nothing to do with the coveted green card, although, as shameful and disheartening as it is, it does happen. people are scammed for a lot of things. and then there are some people that should have never gotten married in the first place, thinking about my own parents.

Exactly right.

[rebeccajo 14]

It is just another angle to lay blame and also gives another opportunity to claim that "see...it wasn't my fault"....both parties in the break down of a relationship do it, throw in immigration and it's just another weapon to use....

I think I just repeated what you said in another way

Actually, I do get annoyed when I read of relationships breaking down and the first thing they think about is how to send their immigrant spouse 'back to where they came from' like an unwanted puppy.

Wot? You mean that date on the I94 isn't a warranty expiry deadline?

[Ellie-and-David 38]

It is just another angle to lay blame and also gives another opportunity to claim that "see...it wasn't my fault"....both parties in the break down of a relationship do it, throw in immigration and it's just another weapon to use....

I think I just repeated what you said in another way

Actually, I do get annoyed when I read of relationships breaking down and the first thing they think about is how to send their immigrant spouse 'back to where they came from' like an unwanted puppy.

Wot? You mean that date on the I94 isn't a warranty expiry deadline?

NOPE! Can you BELIEVE it!

[Y's_habibitk 2]

sister Ellie, I agree. I feel terrible to know there are some aszwipes out there who actually lie their way through. Yeah, it does happen. But like you said, to then turn around and refer to us foreign spouses as discarded furniture is fcked up. and I am tired of hearing it over and over here.

spouses certainly arent something to just send back for a refund when the item doesnt fit..agreed.

But on the flip side, I tend to take issue with someone who has been here say, 3 months and says "my marriage failed. my spouse is an abusive___;but I dont want to go back home". If I moved to another country to be with my spouse and they turned out to be a complete ahole(right away), well..I would want to go back to the familiarity of my home country and family to heal. But then again, who determines that timeframe? hmm When is it "too late" to uproot again? who knows...just typing outloud

oh ya on topic.. I totally agree that "he/she used me" gets tossed around WAY too much. If someone was outright used, Im very sorry for that but sometiems that simply isnt the case.

Like someone else said, even serious time "studying/learning" about someones culture might not prevent their adjustment being a failure. Maybe the spouse could have made it easier on them, maybe both parties ended up not being able to make the comprimises they thought they could...who knows!

like the topic

[rebeccajo 14]

sister Ellie, I agree. I feel terrible to know there are some aszwipes out there who actually lie their way through. Yeah, it does happen. But like you said, to then turn around and refer to us foreign spouses as discarded furniture is fcked up. and I am tired of hearing it over and over here.

spouses certainly arent something to just send back for a refund when the item doesnt fit..agreed.

But on the flip side, I tend to take issue with someone who has been here say, 3 months and says "my marriage failed. my spouse is an abusive___;but I dont want to go back home". If I moved to another country to be with my spouse and they turned out to be a complete ahole(right away), well..I would want to go back to the familiarity of my home country and family to heal. But then again, who determines that timeframe? hmm When is it "too late" to uproot again? who knows...just typing outloud

oh ya on topic.. I totally agree that "he/she used me" gets tossed around WAY too much. If someone was outright used, Im very sorry for that but sometiems that simply isnt the case.

Like someone else said, even serious time "studying/learning" about someones culture might not prevent their adjustment being a failure. Maybe the spouse could have made it easier on them, maybe both parties ended up not being able to make the comprimises they thought they could...who knows!

like the topic

The immigrant gives up a LOT to come here. Quit jobs; sell houses or flats; sell off cars and belongings.

I guess depending how 'embedded' they were in their country (beyond their possessions) could determine if they just want to stay on after a brief marriage.

Generally though I agree with what you are saying. I feel like if it were ME and I had moved somewhere for a brief time for a relationship that failed, I'd want to go back to my old life. Even if I had to rebuild it.

Culture shock? It can't be underestimated. I remember reading once that it takes an immigrant seven years to fully acclimate to their new life. I've read many a post on Vj that made me feel like the USC was really expecting too much from the immigrant spouse.

Edited November 20, 2009 by rebeccajo

[morocco4ever 63]

I still have people that are waiting for my marriage to fall apart so they could say "I told you so".

But reading this particular forum I have mixed emotions about it. When I see that someone has just received their 10 year GC, or even the 2 year GC, and all of a sudden their spouse has changed, and how can they get a divorce and remain in the US? #######? How did it change overnight???

But then I hear stories of a couple that stayed together 5 years, and then the marriage ends. No correlation to anything remotely immigration related. And then the USC is claiming they were used? No, I just don't buy it.

As far as pride goes. Some prefer to be the innocent victim, so claiming fraud is easier than admitting that their marriage failed. On the other hand, someone that doesn't want to ever be viewed as a victim would avoid using that strategy. I have met both types.

[Usui Takumi 1,562]

I don't know, assuming that everything posted in this particular forum is true (which you can't) it can be obvious when its fraud or not.

IE. "wife leaves 3 days after getting 10 year GC" you know that's probably fraud or "I found letters predating our relationship about x and y wanting to get the green card sorted before running away together" etc.

But generally it seems like maybe 2 out of every 3 "fraud" posts here are examples of a marriage that just didn't work out because of a normal "non visa" issue.

Edited November 20, 2009 by Sousuke

[christeen 966]

Well, many marriages end very soon after they start, no GC involved... The symmantics of living with someone as husband/wife do sometimes change a person... How many of us USC know people who lived together for YEARS then get married and boom, less than a year later... divorced..??

But it is always much easier to blame something when things do not go well, and the GC is a very easy scapegoat compared to looking in the mirror and seeing that there were other issues....

Are there cases of outright fraud??/ Hell Yes... But before crying "used for GC" perhaps a long look in the mirror might be in order... for everyone involved... When you are apart, everything can look rosy and beautiful, but living with someone, being in a relationship, the give and take, the culture differences and everything else takes more than just showing up...

For those that come over then, at the first rough patch, want to throw in the towel and start over in America... then they might have thrown in the towel anywhere else for that matter... it takes a LOT of compromise and work and understanding to make a marriage work... and it is more than just one person...

For those that are scammed, then it is terrible and very emotionally embarassing and hurtful, but like anything else, look at what you did wrong or did blindly and move forward taking what you have learned about yourself and dont look back...

[Eric & Jin 10]

...why does the USC part of the equation routinely -not always- claims visa fraud? I find it pretty annoying and sometimes insulting.

I imagine for the same reason that many foreign spouses come on VJ during/after a divorce claiming that they were abused and seeking information on adjusting their status via VAWA which can be equally annoying/insulting. The fact of the matter is that none of us know if any of the divorce horror stories that are told on here by either the USC or the foreign spouse is true and so we should not pass judgment on any of them.

[rebeccajo 14]

Sometimes when 'fraud' is yelled, I want to say..........well, you just said "maybe there were some red flags and I ignored them". I want to go - and why did you ignore it and now cry about it?

[Chica Yeyé 41]

...why does the USC part of the equation routinely -not always- claims visa fraud? I find it pretty annoying and sometimes insulting.

I imagine for the same reason that many foreign spouses come on VJ during/after a divorce claiming that they were abused and seeking information on adjusting their status via VAWA which can be equally annoying/insulting. The fact of the matter is that none of us know if any of the divorce horror stories that are told on here by either the USC or the foreign spouse is true and so we should not pass judgment on any of them.

Excellent point, and that also annoys me as hell