Ex's wife problem. What to do?Im lost

[AnchorsAweigh 0]

Im facing a very difficult problem now and totally lost in this case. It has been more than a year Ive been taking care of my husband who is waiting on his disability now. Lately his middle son decided to move in and live with us which I have no problem and never open my mouth to complain to anyone about it and told my self that Im helping my husband out. Not yet just a few days after that his oldest son came and said that he wanted to live with us too because he got problem out at his nanny and she told him to leave. I said ok plus told my husband things need to work out because obviously I cant take care of 3 people and I am the only one who is working. Finally , yesterday I asked my husband in a very nice way that if he can call his ex and talk to her about the food stamp she got and she claimed their 3 kids. Cuz few weeks ago she said she was going to help to bring some food over for the kids so I dont have to buy food constantly. He turned around and got mad and said that " oh yea you know she will say no" ( cause she always keep the food stamp for her self and her boyfriends) . Ive done wrong too I know cause I packed all the groceries and drove around for a while then came home and thought that can scare him a little bit to sit him down and work things out. We havent talk for 2 days and today his ex shows up and said that I knew he got kids before we married. Yes I do know and not that I didnt take care of them. Everything they asked for I gave it all. She's expecting me to take care of the kids and take the oldest son everywhere he wants because I currently just purchased a new car I had to sold the other to keep up the bills. Im trying to save as much as I can because life is rough and my husband didnt go to work. She told him to leave me and come live with her and their kids. Before she left and kissed him and gave him a hug when I was there infront of them and not yet she told him that she loves him. What kind of ####### is this? I was so pissed and drove to my Thailand's friend for a while cause I didnt know what to do. When I got home I told his oldest son who is 18 years old to leave because I just cant stand it anymore and he smiled when he heard his mom told his dad to come and live with her in her place. The reason I cant stand because his oldest son is out of control. Stole my stuff and money before. Watched porn infront of me and asked me to look at it. Thats not the only problem but there's a long story behind about this kid. In a short perious of time my family had to sent almost $10,000 just to helped out and not for me . I go to work all day and seem never home. I provided them everything they want especially my husband but he seems never think about it. Even when Im sick I still have to go to work and he never ask how'd I feel. He said that I ran his son away and its over between us. His ex is using drugs and been in jail so many times and she knows that my husband gonna get his disability money thats why she's been so nice with him now. I am lost at the moment and really dont know what to do. If he choes if his then Im willing to please them even though It hurts but things aint right and he even told his oldest son to tell me shut my mouth up when I told him that he should think about what he've done and grow up.

[Rings 10]

wow.. I wouls divorce him and file to remove conditions when divorce is final......

[Matt_Stevens 5]

Please use something called PARAGRAPHS because without them it's just too tedious reading all of that.

[AnchorsAweigh 0]

Please use something called PARAGRAPHS because without them it's just too tedious reading all of that.

Oh sorry for making it hard for you to read. Sorry for my bad english.

[Dau Que 6]

Im facing a very difficult problem now and totally lost in this case. It has been more than a year Ive been taking care of my husband who is waiting on his disability now. Lately his middle son decided to move in and live with us which I have no problem and never open my mouth to complain to anyone about it and told my self that Im helping my husband out. Not yet just a few days after that his oldest son came and said that he wanted to live with us too because he got problem out at his nanny and she told him to leave. I said ok plus told my husband things need to work out because obviously I cant take care of 3 people and I am the only one who is working. Finally , yesterday I asked my husband in a very nice way that if he can call his ex and talk to her about the food stamp she got and she claimed their 3 kids. Cuz few weeks ago she said she was going to help to bring some food over for the kids so I dont have to buy food constantly. He turned around and got mad and said that " oh yea you know she will say no" ( cause she always keep the food stamp for her self and her boyfriends) . Ive done wrong too I know cause I packed all the groceries and drove around for a while then came home and thought that can scare him a little bit to sit him down and work things out. We havent talk for 2 days and today his ex shows up and said that I knew he got kids before we married. Yes I do know and not that I didnt take care of them. Everything they asked for I gave it all. She's expecting me to take care of the kids and take the oldest son everywhere he wants because I currently just purchased a new car I had to sold the other to keep up the bills. Im trying to save as much as I can because life is rough and my husband didnt go to work. She told him to leave me and come live with her and their kids. Before she left and kissed him and gave him a hug when I was there infront of them and not yet she told him that she loves him. What kind of ####### is this? I was so pissed and drove to my Thailand's friend for a while cause I didnt know what to do. When I got home I told his oldest son who is 18 years old to leave because I just cant stand it anymore and he smiled when he heard his mom told his dad to come and live with her in her place. The reason I cant stand because his oldest son is out of control. Stole my stuff and money before. Watched porn infront of me and asked me to look at it. Thats not the only problem but there's a long story behind about this kid. In a short perious of time my family had to sent almost $10,000 just to helped out and not for me . I go to work all day and seem never home. I provided them everything they want especially my husband but he seems never think about it. Even when Im sick I still have to go to work and he never ask how'd I feel. He said that I ran his son away and its over between us. His ex is using drugs and been in jail so many times and she knows that my husband gonna get his disability money thats why she's been so nice with him now. I am lost at the moment and really dont know what to do. If he choes if his then Im willing to please them even though It hurts but things aint right and he even told his oldest son to tell me shut my mouth up when I told him that he should think about what he've done and grow up.

I'm not living in your family so I might not have an accurate picture of everything's going on over there. I can only speculate from reading your post here. It's only one side of opinions so here it goes......

In a marriage, the benefits must be mutual. What do you get outta him from your marriage, that other men can't substitute? Only you can put everything on the scale and make the decision whether he puts in the equation an equal share, much more than required, or much less, if nothing at all.

Once you've tabulated all the facts in, then calculate how much it gonna cost you to get outta the relationship. Control the damage by stopping the bleeding!

PS> Why on earth would you allow any man treating you that way in this country? Please remind yourself and any man you're involved with, romantic or not, in the US things are different. Women are not slave anymore and they have as much equal rights to men. At first, they might not like this idea, especially those immigrated from other countries. But they do need to change their thinking really quickly, for their own benefits!!

Edited November 21, 2009 by Dau Que

[Darnell 8,478]

This type of situation is hard to comment on, because there's really 3 things to consider:

1. your take on the situation, along with your experiences (you've written that already )

2. HIS take on the situation, along with his experiences (he's not written here )

3. a 3rd person who knows both of you and can make objective comments on whats happening (not visible )

IMO, without all three 'things' - then it's hard to come up with the total picture.

Without the total picture, it's hard to give advice.

Having said that, though, even with YOUR TAKE and experiences, I'll write this:

There is a lot of combined drama here.

Combined -> Lots of people making it.

I think it would be easier to deal with one person, one drama, at a time.

But that's not the case with your situation.

EVERYONE is giving you drama.

If the husband is to remain your husband, he needs to stand up and be your defender in all situations. I don't see that from what you've written.

I can't really say more than that, cause it seems too painful.

I can only say this, as an 'end-game' scenario -

IF there is no interview for the ROC, YOU file for divorce the day you receive the green card.

Hopefully others will give some relationship advice - I rarely do that...

Edited November 21, 2009 by Darnell

[BinhJerome 14]

I feel for you, you seem to be in between a rock and a hard place. I would say to take care of your self, because no one else seems to be doing this. What I mean by this is simple. If you think she sees his disability in the future and is trying to clamp down on it, then put your theory to the test. He does not have it now, so I would talk with him and tell him you both need some time apart to figure where you are both at and where you are going. You are making it to easy, if my wife was to kiss or be kissed by her ex and she did not get mad over it, then she would be gone, no questions asked. But if you take time apart, he will possibly see what you do for him, and then he might realize his ex is a "EX" for a reason, also while you support her children, she has more money for her "DRUGS" make her pay for them. Not trying to sound rude or mean, but point blank take care of you and him, that is it, don't go out of your way to take care of them. This might cause problems with your husband, but seriously if you explain that it is taking away from him and from you, and you are not doing it to be mean, and prove how much it is costing the both of you then he should understand. But this is just a opinion, it all could back fire, if you leave, he might not want you back, or he might see the error in his ways, who knows, but one thing is for sure, if you keep taking it, and he does leave, you will be left with nothing, the only thing you will have to show for it is that you know you were a good person. Take care of yourself, honestly, with all the people that are truly "Bride Shopping" to have a woman in America from a different country would be easier to get than to go what we all have gone through, not trying to say just get married to get married, I am however saying that there are plenty of men that you might like, and fall in love with that would treat you far better than your current husband is doing. As far as your other issue, I have no suggestions other than talking to an attorney that specializes in such cases. Good luck on what ever you decide to do. Jerome

[justashooter 430]

if what you have written is a fair summation of events, then you need to get out of this relationship, one way or another. you are being taken advantage of, even if you are not being "abused". your husband is not contributing to the support of his "family", and his kids and ex-wife are acting inappropriately. you are better off on your own. too bad you didn't see this would happen before you agreed to marry him.

if you have married and have conditional green card, you need to lift conditions in order to stay in USA. you should be able to lift conditions if divorced for "incompatibility" and if you have a stack of evidence that you lived with your husband before your divorce. pictures, bills or mail with both of your names at same address, a lease, tax returns, bank accounts, anythign with both names or at least same address.

i believe in balance in relationships, and yours sounds way out of whack. i also believe in connecting with productive people, as they tend to have less "drama" in their lives. your husband, his ex, and his kids, do not seem very productive.

see a lawyer or legal advisor for details of the process.