Rant thread

[Nik+Heather 121]

Next week is the 4 year mark of when we first met in person... I was SO freakin' nervous as I walked into the arrivals room. There was an ice storm in Boston so we stayed in the hotel and watched films, and my nerves slowly melted away.

Awww, it's always lovely to hear those "first time we met" experiences.

I met my fiance for the first time in August (2006), but back then, we were "just friends". Hah, I think I about trod a hole in the carpet pacing back and forwards whilst I waited for him to arrive. Most nerve wracking time of my life!

I remember when he flew over specially to see me a few months later (Feb 07). I was a wreck the whole way down to the airport to fetch him. I still get nervous every time we head down to the airport to fetch him, though that's largely just because I worry about him having to deal with customs (who are getting more and more cross at him visiting here every time he comes)

Well, at least you won't have to deal with that any longer. I am still looking at Nik and thinking "He's HERE! I get to keep him!"

[FrostyMist 1]

Well, at least you won't have to deal with that any longer. I am still looking at Nik and thinking "He's HERE! I get to keep him!"

It's going to be really strange (in a fantastic, "can't believe this is real!" kinda way) not to have to think in the back of my mind that we'll have to say goodbye.

We were both feeling a bit down last night because of distance. I'm all stressed out and frazzled because I'm getting worked up over the interview. He's feeling a bit down because he's helpless to do much to be able to make things easier on me. We'll get there, but it's a stressful process!

[Gemmie 142]

Well, at least you won't have to deal with that any longer. I am still looking at Nik and thinking "He's HERE! I get to keep him!"

It's going to be really strange (in a fantastic, "can't believe this is real!" kinda way) not to have to think in the back of my mind that we'll have to say goodbye.

Oh I dunno, I STILL get that feeling after being here for 6 months. I guess after 4 years of doing long-distance, I still associate our being together as temporary. We drove down the same road that we used to take to the airport the other week, and my heart was beating fast and I was getting nauseous just by doing that. Then Bill stuck his middle finger up at the sign and kept on driving to the shopping centre. I'll probably get used to it in time.

If the interview goes well (which it will), when are you planning on the re-union?

[FrostyMist 1]

If the interview goes well (which it will), when are you planning on the re-union?

Well, we don't have our hearts set on a particular date. We're talking about a Feb/March reunion (in England) and then I'll fly back with him sometime around Easter. I'm really concerned about how my mum's going to handle me leaving (she is in total denial about it) so I want to try and plan my leaving England to take place when she is off work. I think she'll need the time off to recover from me going. She'll be off two weeks over Easter, so that seems like the most logical time to go to me.

Edited December 11, 2009 by FrostyMist

[Gemmie 142]

Sounds like a great idea.

I know what you mean, my brother was in denial about me leaving too. I'd been telling him for 2 years and when it came within a few months of DOOMSDAY, he kept repeating that he couldn't believe that I was leaving, and he was calling me in a frantic anger about "are you moving for TWO YEARS??" when he found out about the green card. Within a month he had gotten his girlfriend pregnant because "I feel I've done nothing with my life". He tried to get me to stay by bringing up his birthday and his baby's birth, and finally he accepted that I was leaving. He came to my farewell party for about an hour. Since then, he's still made a few jabs at me for moving. He keeps bringing up how I'm not going to watch my nephew grow up, and last week he hinted that he wasn't going to send me any pictures of him because "it's not good enough". That is hurtful and annoying, because I already feel somewhat guilty. My husband and I do what we can. We call them twice a week, we send them gifts, we ask to see pictures of him.

I think some people have a really difficult time with change, especially when it's something huge like a family member leaving. I found that my dad responded better when I reminded him that I'm only a phone call away and there can be visits. Are you an only child? Or just very close to her?

Edited December 11, 2009 by Gemmie

[FrostyMist 1]

I think some people have a really difficult time with change, especially when it's something huge like a family member leaving. I found that my dad responded better when I reminded him that I'm only a phone call away and there can be visits. Are you an only child? Or just very close to her?

No, I'm not an only child. I have two younger brothers.

I think perhaps the problem largely comes down to my disability and health problems. Until I met my fiance, it was always assumed that I would live with family for the rest of my life. Whereas most mum's probably watch their kids growing up and know that one day they're going to move on, in my case I think that because it seemed unlikely that I'd meet someone right for me, the idea even of me actually leaving home was pretty slim.

When my fiance and I first became serious about each other, it was still expected (he and I even thought the same) that I'd be staying in England. My deciding to actually leave was only really a definite thing back last September (2008), and I think what with how slow the wheels of the USCIS machine turn, and the fact that the visa approval is not a guaranteed thing probably doesn't help prepare my mum.

I'm pretty worried about her and how she's going to cope. I know she misses my brothers, and they're only three hours away from her. Trying to assure her by saying things like "you can be there in 24 hours!" or "I'm just a phonecall away" don't seem to help. They make her worse.

She's been really good about the visa application though. I know she's felt very sorry that she cannot do more to help with the application, though what she has been able to do she's done so wonderfully. In her mind, it's almost as though she's seperated visa application completely from me leaving. She's great about the visa, and in total denial about me going!

[pdcvcc 0]

I think some people have a really difficult time with change, especially when it's something huge like a family member leaving. I found that my dad responded better when I reminded him that I'm only a phone call away and there can be visits. Are you an only child? Or just very close to her?

No, I'm not an only child. I have two younger brothers.

I think perhaps the problem largely comes down to my disability and health problems. Until I met my fiance, it was always assumed that I would live with family for the rest of my life. Whereas most mum's probably watch their kids growing up and know that one day they're going to move on, in my case I think that because it seemed unlikely that I'd meet someone right for me, the idea even of me actually leaving home was pretty slim.

When my fiance and I first became serious about each other, it was still expected (he and I even thought the same) that I'd be staying in England. My deciding to actually leave was only really a definite thing back last September (2008), and I think what with how slow the wheels of the USCIS machine turn, and the fact that the visa approval is not a guaranteed thing probably doesn't help prepare my mum.

I'm pretty worried about her and how she's going to cope. I know she misses my brothers, and they're only three hours away from her. Trying to assure her by saying things like "you can be there in 24 hours!" or "I'm just a phonecall away" don't seem to help. They make her worse.

She's been really good about the visa application though. I know she's felt very sorry that she cannot do more to help with the application, though what she has been able to do she's done so wonderfully. In her mind, it's almost as though she's seperated visa application completely from me leaving. She's great about the visa, and in total denial about me going!

Have you set up your mom with Skype? I got a new computer with a built-in camera so I gave my external one to Paul and he is setting it up at his parents home in England. That way when we have children, we can still talk to each other and see each other weekly. I was kidding with his mom that I will hold up her future grandchildren and bounce them in front of the screen. Also, I just bought one of those flip video cameras (very small) so that I can make little videos and send to them. So fortunate to be doing all of this in a time when there are so many exciting toys to help us communicate long distances. While the flip camera was a little expensive, the external video camera was about $30 USD and SKYPE is free (currently). I am not sure if your mom has a computer but they are getting less expensive and may be cheaper in the long run as opposed to long distance calling.

[EasternDE 35]

Oh phew...! Sorry to intrude the UK section... I hope you allow frenchies.

We just have one thread for Frenchies and all we talk about is food.

It feels good reading that I'm not the only one with family denial issues.

Last week, I was venting about my appartment lease, and I said "Ah, I'm happy I'm getting rid of it in 3 months!" And my mother said "But where are you going to live then...?"

That really scared me...

Talking about it, explaining the timeline seems to make it worse too. I've decided to avoid the topic for now. I keep it to the minimum, because it seems that she wants it this way. I think the details make her to overworry. I hope that once I'll have moved, it will be simpler... Probably more real to cope with.

Fortunatly, I've got the full support of my brother (which is very unusual).

[FrostyMist 1]

Have you set up your mom with Skype?

She's already signed up with a phone package that gives free international phone calls (great deal!). I'm thinking of buying her a webcam as a sort of going away gift when I leave. The thing is, she's not very computer literate and I think she'd actually be more stressed out at the thought of having to adapt to using Skype.

It's really hard knowing how to prepare my mum for me leaving. I don't think I can just sit by and let her remain in denial---if I do that, it'll come to the day for me to leave and she'll fall apart at the airport. She's getting better, admittedly. A few months ago, she actually got a bit angry at me when I tried to push the issue of her denial, but this past month she's started asking questions and talking about the future. I guess that's a promising start.

Talking about it, explaining the timeline seems to make it worse too. I've decided to avoid the topic for now. I keep it to the minimum, because it seems that she wants it this way. I think the details make her to overworry. I hope that once I'll have moved, it will be simpler... Probably more real to cope with.

I've found that a lot of the time with my family, comments that they've made that can seem hurtful can actually just be made in ignorance because of not understanding or knowing how the visa process works.

I've had to really bite my tongue to keep from snapping when someone makes a comment about our I134 forms (or some other form) not being right despite having redone it multiple times (I've had so much less comments about that since my step father saw the medical questionare and was utterly confused by it!) and it's really hard not to snap when people say "Oh, you'll be okay." when I say I'm nervous about the interview.

They mean well, and they want the best for me. Problem is that they just don't understand. I just try to remember how overwhelming, confusing and misleading all of this was when we first began our petition, and remember that my family don't have the "benefit" of Visajourney, or having to read up so much on it. They just assume, I think, because I seem to know what's going on with it all that it must be fairly straightforwards.

Edited December 12, 2009 by FrostyMist

[Justine+David 218]

Gemmie, I told your story about giving the finger to the airport to David this past week and he proceeded to do that to the Sheffield train station where we usually say goodbye, lol

Frosty, question for you: from all the "hotels" and pubs and places I've been to around in London and David's hometown, they don't seem very handicap friendly at all! I remembered reading your medical review that you're in a wheelchair, so how does it go for you? David was saying that the UK is just too cramped and small to put in ramps and elevators everywhere...

[FrostyMist 1]

Frosty, question for you: from all the "hotels" and pubs and places I've been to around in London and David's hometown, they don't seem very handicap friendly at all! I remembered reading your medical review that you're in a wheelchair, so how does it go for you? David was saying that the UK is just too cramped and small to put in ramps and elevators everywhere...

Your David is indeed correct. Unfortunately, much of England (that I've been to) is very wheelchair unfriendly. I consider myself extremely fortunate in that I can, if need be, actually get out of the wheelchair and I can go to places like pubs and resturaunts without having to take it at all. I dread to imagine how someone that was confined to one would manage though.

In truth, it was the lack of disabled access that was most stressful about the medical.

Discovering the disabled toilet was out of order in the motorway services was actually the least of our problems. When we got into London, first we discovered it was near to impossible to locate an actual disabled parking bay, and when we were forced to resort to parking in what the traffic warden informed us to be "London's most expensive car park" we actually discovered that there was a huge step (and no ramp at all) when you get out of the elevator to exit the car park. (And sadly, this is actually not the first - or even the second! - time that a car park I've been into has had a flight of steps after exiting an elevator.)

Basil mansions itself (the place where I had my medical) was accessible only by a flight of steps. (We got quite some strange looks from passers by when they saw my step-father hauling the chair up them!) And I doubt I would have had an easy time getting a wheelchair down the narrow hallways of the medical place once inside. It would probably be near on impossible.

It does concern me that disabled people could be being excluded from immigration just because they cannot access their medical, etc. (I don't know how disabled friendly the other medical place is, though I think I recall someone saying its also up a flight of steps)

To be honest, it was nothing worse than I've experienced in the past, so I guess I wasn't altogether that surprised by the lack of disabled facilities. What actually disgusted me a lot more was the disabled services at Heathrow airport. My fiance and I had done a lot of research prior to travelling, so we knew what disabled facilities were available and we'd informed Heathrow in advance that I was travelling, and would need assistance because I am disabled.

Despite everything we did to learn what was available to us, our experiences whilst going through Heathrow were utterly disgusting. And the sad thing is that because of them, my fiance and I are going to end up paying out extra expenses when it comes to me moving over there, just because my disability makes it impractical for us to a) travel with more baggage and B) take my pets on the same flight. We just would not get the assistance from Heathrow, and my fiance cannot be expected to cope with getting a wheelchair through Heathrow AND deal with all the extra "work".

Firstly, there was an issue with parking. We have a blue badge, which allows us to park in disabled bays so long as we display the badge. However, we also wanted to take the badge with us to the US, because we'd gotten permission from the local authoraties in Kansas to be able to use it whilst I was travelling. I can't remember exactly how it was supposed to work, but Heathrow claim that you can park in a disabled bay and still take your badge on holiday with you. However, to do so, you need to go to the car park office and tell show them the badge.

Problem 1: No one in the office.

So, if no one is in the office, you're meant to use one of the green phones they have (supposedly) all over the place which are intended for disabled people to be able to use to call for assistance if they need it.

Problem 2: Every one of the three phones we found were out of order.

In the end, we just parked in a normal parking bay.

We were planning on using one of the airport provided wheelchairs, because mine takes up so much room in the car and I was uneasy about it being damaged whilst travelling.

Problem 3: Much as we'd been assured wheelchairs were readily available ("And if you need to, you can use the green help phones to request one be brought to you", they say when we ask) there was not one there when we arrived.

And with no help phone, and no one car park attendants in the office, it took my mum and fiance a good 20 minutes before they managed to find a caretaker and ask him where we could get one. The caretaker was extremely rude and made some comments about this "not being a part of his job".

So, next up, we check in. We're supposed to have wheelchair assistance to accompany us through the airport from check-in on, but they tell us "There's a wait. Go sit over there." There are a good 15 disabled people waiting for wheelchair assistance, and they tell us that they can only guarantee we'll be sent someone to help within 20 minutes of the flight leaving.

Unfortunately, I absuloubtly had to purchase a drink and snacks prior to flight (I have to eat and drink regularly because of my medical condition) so it wasn't very practical for us to be told we wouldn't be accomodated time to stop off and buy what I needed.

In the end, my fiance and I decided to go it alone. The disabled facilities in store and the resturaunts was terrible. We had a 2 hour wait until our flight could board, and my fiance couldn't even take me to get something hot to eat from a cafe because he couldn't get the wheelchair into the place. Even the stores were so cramped and narrow we had a hard time getting the chair in. In the end, he had to keep leaving me outside the stores and go in alone to get what I wanted. He did NOT enjoy having to leave me alone in a strange, busy place.

What was worse perhaps was that staff did NOT help at all. At one point, we had two members of the public helping to shift things out of the way so my fiance could get the wheelchair by. It was honestly a joke.

When it came to check-in, security, boarding the plane, etc, things were great though. And once we actually reached the US, we had wheelchair assistance meet us on the plane and stay with us until we got onto our next flight (Chicago to Kansas). Even when we ended up arriving with only about 45 minutes to get through a crowded, massive airport, the wheelchair assistant ran the whole way (pushing the chair!) so we could make our next flight. My fiance says he loved travelling with me because we get to use the fast track lanes!

The US is (of course) a whole lot bigger than England, and this does refect (from what I've seen so far) in wheelchair facilities. I loved going shopping because everywhere was so big, I didn't have to worry about people bumping into me. And when it came to wheelchair services, staff really went ouf ot their way to help out - I was so impressed when they carried our bags out and loaded them in the actual car, allowing my fiance to get me transferred from the wheelchair as soon as possible.

Since he's met me, and had to learn to think about disabled facilities, my fiance has told me that he's become a lot more aware of how friendly the US is compared to what he's seen me having to deal with in the UK.

Edited December 14, 2009 by FrostyMist

[sachinky 465]

I need to rant. About many, many things.

But mostly why won't USCIS tell us where we are in the process. It's not the separation -- which is bad enough -- that I can't handle, it's the NOT knowing. What's the harm in telling us "we're still processing your background checks?" or "Hey, it looks like it'll be through in two weeks."

Also, I'm tired of people judging others for getting married at a young age. I mean, what is that? Too young? Is there a particular age when one is suddenly equipped with the requisite emotional maturity to handle a lifelong commitment? Do you wake up one morning and decide, aah! I am finally old enough to be married! Marriage like everything else in life is a gamble, a risk or sorts. It has a 50/50 chance of working out. Whether you're 25 or 55. If I was 28 and wanted to get married to some guy I had known for a few months, I doubt I'd have to hear as many whispers as I did about getting married to a guy I've dated for nearly two years at 22.

I'm tired of reading snarky Facebook comments such as "Why are so many people I know getting engaged or married? Personally I think you should get a job first. Just saying."

Uh, personally, I think you shouldn't others for their lifestyle choices. You should focus on getting yourself a life first. And anyway, what does getting a job have to do with getting married or engaged? I wasn't aware that jobs were doled out according to marital or relationship status. Just saying.

Edited December 14, 2009 by sachinky

[Justine+David 218]

^^ oh people can be blargh. Sorry you're going through that.

So...

This isn't really a visa rant.

It's a snow rant! Remember when it used to be all cute and fun and you didn't have to go to school??

I'm a nurse and I work the night shift (7pm-7am) and we just got a text on our ascom phones that we're not allowed to leave until the entire day shift is here. And...in D.C., there was a huge snow storm throughout the night and continuing and tons of snow. Keeping in mind that D.C. traffic is normally horrendous, I reallllly don't think I'm leaving on time today. And it's going to take me 2 hours to get home and 2 hours to get back the way it is now grr and I want my sleep!

[Justine+David 218]

Eep, I'm on hour 27 here at the hospital! They made us all sleep here (I found a nice chair in the library), but at least I'm getting paid at my base rate to do that. I could really use a shower though!

Rumor is that they're going to make us stay tomorrow all day and if they make me work again tomorrow night, that'll be like 60 hours I've been in the hospital...happy east coast snow weekend!

[FrostyMist 1]

Well, I don't really have anything to rant about at the moment. But I wish I did. Anyone ever get that feeling that they just need a good shout and scream? I've been feeling a bit down and tearful these past few days, but don't know why. I think maybe just the wait for the interview is getting to me.